The Countdown Begins

Well, last Wednesday I picked up my records from my RE. On Friday I finally made person-to-person contact with the new clinic and I actually got an appointment for this coming Thursday! I know that this transition may be difficult and I may need to repeat some procedures and tests, but I'm glad to at least be getting in the door. This in-between time has been weird. Part of the reason I haven't been posting, reading, or leaving comments is that I've been really, really busy at work. But I have to admit that part of it has been being in this weird in-between place. Not only am I not in the middle of a cycle (with treatment), but I'm not approaching one or even recovering from one. Because of this, I don't feel as though I've got so much that I'm dying to say. I'm sure that will change soon!

A Snail's Pace

Well, I finally contacted the Super Giant Fertility Clinic to try and schedule an appointment with a new RE and now I'm waiting to hear back. I finally called to get copies of all my medical records from my former RE, and now I'm waiting until I can get over there to pick them up. I mailed the adoption application last week, and now we're waiting for who knows what's next. I went to Home Depot because we need a new storm door (after I put my hand through the glass a few weeks back I covered the opening with Saran Wrap so the bugs wouldn't get in. Of course, I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and I used the lavendar colored stuff. Our house looks like some serious red necks live here), and now I'm waiting for them to call and schedule a time to come measure. Tomorrow I'm going to call a contractor because we need an estimate for some work on the house. No doubt that will involve even more waiting. I should feel good about all the first steps I've taken, but it would be really nice to actually get something ACCOMPLISHED!

No Man's Land

OK, so I'm officially the worst blogger ever! But between being busy at work and the "between REs funk" that I'm in I haven't been able to muster up the energy to write lately. Generally I'm feeling frustrated about our situation. I feel like I'm back where I was two years ago, when I knew there was a problem, but was waiting for an appointment with my OB and then waiting for the insurance stuff to sort through before we could take action. I really feel like I'm in no man's land right now. Perhaps if I actually picked up the damn phone and made an appointment with a new doc I'd feel better, but for some reason I'm really nervous about doing it. Not sure if it's the money I'm worried about, or maybe I worried that a new doc would actually find something and wouldn't be as optimistic as my former RE has been. UGH. I think I just need to take the plunge, I know I'll feel better once we're back on the road to treatment. I guess I'll move making the appointment up to #1 on my to do list.

Solidarity

Things at work are better than last week, when I was up late working every night, but I’m still facing tight deadlines and lots of stress, so I don’t have much time to spend reading or writing blogs. Nevertheless, I wanted to post a quick note about the get together for DC area bloggers and readers. I had been looking forward to it for so long that I was surprised to realize on my way there that I was a bit nervous. I’ve always been pretty shy, so meeting with a group of people none of whom I’d met in person was bit daunting. Those feelings passed pretty quickly though. It was great evening with a fabulous bunch of women. ‘Thanks’ to LJ for setting it up. It was such a relief to be able to talk out load about all this infertility crap with a whole bunch of people who “get it”. And the really great thing is that even though what brought us all together is something rather unhappy, we laughed a lot and had a great time. Now I can’t wait for the next one!

I’m Firing My RE

Yes, today’s meeting went as anticipated. Mr. “Talks A lot… NOT!” lived up to my expectations, so, once work slows down, I will begin the quest to find a new RE. One regret I have is that I couldn’t channel Donald Trump and end the meeting with a loud “YOU’RE FIRED!”* It would have felt good. Instead I smiled sweetly, said “thanks, I’ll be in touch.” Knowing full well that the only reason I will be in touch with the office is to request copies of my records.

It’s not that I dislike him. In fact, I really and truly hope that he’s right and there’s nothing else wrong with me than the effed up tubes. But I can’t continue to suffer failed IVFs with a doctor who refuses to consider that there just might be another problem lurking around. I mean just because there's no discernable pattern in my failures doesn't mean he couldn’t investigate the possibility of a specific problem. Instead he insists I’m a good candidate, tells me that my embryos look good and I respond well (though slowly) to the stimulation, and frequently reminds me that I HAVE had a healthy pregnancy before (albeit one that ended at 32 weeks with a premature baby). So even though the first IVF ended with a blighted ovum, during the 2nd we failed to fertilize, the 3rd was a BFN, and the 4th ended with a chemical pregnancy (and should I have to remind him about the blighted ovum before I had my daughter and that my pregnancy ended 8 weeks early?) I’m supposed to happily move on to another IVF attempt because I’m “a good candidate”. Who is he fucking kidding?! Ok, taking a deep breath now. The vent is over.

The only surprising (and almost amusing) thing about the visit was his response when I told him we were taking some time off and wouldn’t be doing ANYTHING, including any testing, for at least a few months. His response to this was something along the lines of (drum roll please) ‘well, many people find themselves pregnant when they do that… I’ve seen it happen, many times.’ Ok, he may be telling the truth, but still I couldn’t believe it. I mean my RE was practically saying “just relax, take it easy and you could get pregnant.” As if he has never seen my blocked up tubes! Or hadn’t just told me that things were so mixed up inside that he’s never gotten a good look at my uterus during the many ultrasounds I’ve had. I’m sure I’m overreacting, but HAHAHA, didn't I just get a load of assvice from, of all people, my RE!

However, despite the vent and all the exclamation points in this post, my mind is so consumed with worry about work and how I’m going to meet my upcoming deadlines that, for the most part, I really am feeling remarkably calm about this. And yet, there is a little area in deepest recesses of my brain muttering ”crap, crap, crap” and already compiling the list of things to do (1) research other clinics and REs, (2) call insurance company, (3) make an appointment, (4) get copies of medical records …..

*I feel the need to note that I’ve never actually watched an episode of The Apprentice.

Miles to go before I sleep.....

Honestly I have no idea what to say right now. Well, that's not really true. The truth is that I've got lots to say, but I'm busy with work (working late from home again this week) and I'm tired from it, so I just don't have the time or energy to write much. Nevertheless, I was feeling bad about neglecting the site, and, in all honesty, a bit worried that if I don't show my face around here every now and again folks will stop visiting! So here I am, at 2AM, tired and uninspired. One sad consequence of my busy work is that, in addition to not writing, I haven't had much time to get out into the blog world and read. I just know I'm missing all kinds of funny, insightful, and heartfelt posts. It's funny how quickly I got used to reading all the blogs and now that I haven't had time to for awhile I really miss them. On the bright side, being so busy really has taken my mind off of my infertility woes. However, I go see Dr. "Not Much To Say" on Thursday and I suspect after that visit I'll feel moved to write something.

Since I'm here I guess I'll give a quick update on the adoption front. We chucked the application from preferred agency number 1 after realizing that we'd have to sign a statement saying that we would not pursue a pregnancy while pursuing the adoption. Maybe this is normal, but I was flabbergasted. Bascially they're saying it could take 2 years or more before we can adopt a child, but we also have to put all our eggs (I know, really bad analogy) in their one basket. The husband did a little more research and found that preferred agency #2 has no such requirement (at least not that we could find on the application). Since we received the 2nd application we haven't done much. Oh, except order thousands of dollars worth of furniture!!!! I'm excited, but a bit freaked about how much we spent. But hubby is determined to get the house cleaned, organized and generally in shape prior to any possible home study and frankly, it really didn't take too much arm twisting to get me to agree to a bunch of new furniture.

Time to get back to work -- and soon bed! I'll post an update after my appointment of Thursday. I fully expect to be frustrated and full of venom!

Because I haven't had enough of doctors and needles in the last year...

Last night the hubby and I spent 2 and a half hours in the emergency room so that I could get two stiches in my hand. On our way out of the house to get some dinner I was pushing our storm door shut and somehow the glass shattered. Seriously, I still can't figure out how is happened, especially since there is a decorative metal grill(think VERY old 1950's storm door) in front of the glass. So we left my father-in-law (who arrived yesterday afternoon to stay with us because he has a meeting in the city today) behind to clean up the glass and take care of the child. Speaking of the child, she wasn't the least bit upset by the broken glass or my bloody hand, in fact she wanted to come with us to watch me get stitches, but began sobbing when she realized we wouldn't be joining them for dinner. Anyway... So the hand hurts, and I discovered that putting on a bra, putting on pants, and going to the bathroom are a bit more complicated with only one hand! Though, surprisingly, typing isn't too bad -- the range of motion is reduced, but I can still move the fingers well enough to type with two hands. All in all the emergency room experience wasn't so bad. The staff we dealt with were all very nice and a cut hand is definitely not such a big deal. Nevertheless, after the nurse looked me over and I was waiting to be seen I had quite an urge to cry and had to really fight back tears. It happened again while I was waiting to go to x-ray. Both times it came on so suddenly and I couldn't figure out why -- except perhaps that I really didn't need anything else on my plate right now!