Wednesday, November 10, 2010
The Yellow Brick Road
No clever subtext to the title, I just finally got Lucy to watch The Wizard of Oz with me. I bought the DVD over a year ago, but she refused to watch it with me. I don't remember how it came up last week, but she suggested that we watch it over the weekend. On Saturday afternoon, we made some popcorn and hot chocolate and curled up on the couch and watched it. And she loved it! She's been singing We're Off to See the Wizard all week. Sometimes it really is the little things that remind us how good life is.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Just another day.
Today I turn 41.
Can't quite believe how fast it got here.
I wish I were more content with my life these days, but I'm working on it.
Still seeing the therapist, but I'm not sure if I'll keep it up. I like her, but I feel like I just complain about the same things week after week. But I won't quit trying to feel better.
Not that it's all bad mind you. Much is very good and I'm so lucky in so many ways. I know that and it's why I'm trying hard to figure out how to enjoy it all more.
So happy birthday to me. I plan to make this next year better than ever!
Can't quite believe how fast it got here.
I wish I were more content with my life these days, but I'm working on it.
Still seeing the therapist, but I'm not sure if I'll keep it up. I like her, but I feel like I just complain about the same things week after week. But I won't quit trying to feel better.
Not that it's all bad mind you. Much is very good and I'm so lucky in so many ways. I know that and it's why I'm trying hard to figure out how to enjoy it all more.
So happy birthday to me. I plan to make this next year better than ever!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
18 months!!!
Holy Moly. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was still home on maternity leave, and the day before that I was on bedrest in the hospital for what seemed like an eternity, and the day before that I was living life in that perpetual dark cloud that is infertility. Yet somehow here we are nearing the end of 2010, and I'm nearing the end of the year in which I call myself "40", and now (as of a week ago) when people ask how old my son is I have to say 18 months!
I've got so much I'd like to be saying here, but no time or energy to sit and type it all out. Really you'd never stop hearing from me if I could just talk into a tape recorder and have it magically spit out here.
But I wanted to take a few moments to say a few words about my baby. My baby who is not so much of a baby anymore. Though he seems like a baby still in so many ways, one of which is his love of the bottle. He's been using sippy cups exclusively at daycare since he turned one, but I just didn't have the heart to take away his bottles at home because he loves them so.
But about a week and a half ago, almost by accident, we skipped the bottle one morning and then I thought hmmm? maybe he's ready. So I just gave him sippy cups at dinner and in the morning and he was fine. He did wake up in the middle of the night one night and nothing but a bottle would calm him. Two nights later and the same thing happened. Basically over the course of 8 days he had 2 bottles total, both in the middle of the night. Then the cold he's had got worse and he's getting 4 teeth in and a couple of nights ago he was up all night and nothing (not even Mommeeeeeee!) would calm him but a bottle and he drank 3 throughout the night. And that one night set us back. The next night and again in the morning he cried when I tried to give him a sippy cup (though I think the cold is still really bothering him, plus he got a couple of immunizations and a flu shot a few days ago). Last night we didn't give him bottle and he did fine. So I'm sure he'll be off them for good soon. I know the time is right, but it's also one more step away from his babyhood and that makes me a little sad.
There are other things that still make him seem more baby than boy. The lack of words is a big one. Oh, he "talks" a lot. He's always making noise and he's got lots of animal sounds under his belt. And he can cry for "Mama" or "Mommeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" in ways that both make my heart sing and break depending on the reason for the call. But at this age his sister was using complete sentences and Ben's list of words is relatively short and his pronunciation is nowhere near as clear as his sister's was. Thus we get what seems like a lot of grunting followed by frustration and crying because it's hard to figure out what he wants much of the time. One word he says often is "more" and it's always accompanied by the sign for more and it's too darn cute. He's as likely to ask for more books or tickles as he is for more food. He also says "owl" with the emphasis on the "ow" part and he loves dogs, which he calls "buppies". Though many furry things are called "buppies" including all of his sisters Zhu Zhu pets, which he loves!
He is, of course, a toddler and we recently got rid of the high chair and moved a small table into the kitchen for him. Of course sometimes he likes to climb the table or push it around the kitchen, but it still is safer than the highchair, which he pulled over on top of himself one day and he would always try to climb out of it.
Here's my big boy at his table.
Eating a plum
He has recently discovered stuffed animals and particular loves the buppies. He'll grab them and hold them up to his cheek. He's also started to chew on them, just like his big sister did. No pacifiers or thumbs for my kiddos, pass the stuffed animals or blankets please.
In addition to stuffed animals, he loves real ones. Anytime we see a dog he wants to hug it and he often tries to hug our cats.
They cats just barely tolerate Ben and they usually run away from him, but he never gives up.
We took the kids to one of the many fall festivals around here a few weekends ago and Ben made friends with a calf.
He also had fun posing for some photos
and playing with his big sister.
He loves to be read to and will bring us books to be read. He has a few favorites. Brown Bear, Brown Bear; Polar Bear, Polar Bear; Sheep in a Jeep, to name a few. Whenever a grandparent visits he needs a little time to warm up, the best way into his heart is through books. If you start reading he'll come right over. Also, if he's having a tantrum about something often I can just start reading a book and he'll come over and quiet right down.
Ben loves to go down the slide on the playground at his school.
In fact, I learned the hard way that I need to take the "long way" around to our car when I pick him up in the evening, otherwise we need to walk through the playground and he has a fit if I don't let him go down the slide a dozen times. Of course, the long way takes us past the big kids playground where there are often many balls laying around and then OMG, the wriggling to try and get down and get to the balls kills me. But if I try to let him walk... well, hahahahahahaha! Which reminds me that "ball" is another one of the words we hear all the time. He's just a little obsessed.
Ben is 100% boy. I hate the stereotype, but he really is hardwired in the stereotypical way. He loves anything with wheels and recently discovered the joy of trains! My parents gave him a train table as an early Christmas present and at the same time brought up all my nephews old trains. When my mom opened the big bin of trains and accessories it was if angels started to sing. He walked right over and then sat down and played for about an hour. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.
On the downside, we can't keep him off the darn table!
You've never seen a happier kid than when he's kneeling on driver's seat of my car with his hands on the steering wheel.
A couple of weekends ago we went to visit the fire station. It's hard to describe the joy, so I'll show you.
He kicked a soccer ball all the way down the sideline before his sister's soccer game the other day and had all the parents oohing and aahing. He loves to throw balls, and really anything else for that matter. He also loves to wrestle and tackle. Unfortunately he also hits a lot. If I had a dollar for every time I've said "gentle hands" I'd be rich. He's still the cutest incarnation of a Tasmanian Devil that I've ever seen. He's also almost 30 pounds and 34 inches tall (90th percentile across the board). He physically wears me out. My parents and I took the kids out to dinner one day last week when they were visiting and mid-way through the meal I was literally dripping with sweat with the effort of chasing and restraining Ben. But I couldn't love the little guy more. He makes us all laugh, keeps us on our toes (literally), warms our hearts and lights up our lives!
I've got so much I'd like to be saying here, but no time or energy to sit and type it all out. Really you'd never stop hearing from me if I could just talk into a tape recorder and have it magically spit out here.
But I wanted to take a few moments to say a few words about my baby. My baby who is not so much of a baby anymore. Though he seems like a baby still in so many ways, one of which is his love of the bottle. He's been using sippy cups exclusively at daycare since he turned one, but I just didn't have the heart to take away his bottles at home because he loves them so.
But about a week and a half ago, almost by accident, we skipped the bottle one morning and then I thought hmmm? maybe he's ready. So I just gave him sippy cups at dinner and in the morning and he was fine. He did wake up in the middle of the night one night and nothing but a bottle would calm him. Two nights later and the same thing happened. Basically over the course of 8 days he had 2 bottles total, both in the middle of the night. Then the cold he's had got worse and he's getting 4 teeth in and a couple of nights ago he was up all night and nothing (not even Mommeeeeeee!) would calm him but a bottle and he drank 3 throughout the night. And that one night set us back. The next night and again in the morning he cried when I tried to give him a sippy cup (though I think the cold is still really bothering him, plus he got a couple of immunizations and a flu shot a few days ago). Last night we didn't give him bottle and he did fine. So I'm sure he'll be off them for good soon. I know the time is right, but it's also one more step away from his babyhood and that makes me a little sad.
There are other things that still make him seem more baby than boy. The lack of words is a big one. Oh, he "talks" a lot. He's always making noise and he's got lots of animal sounds under his belt. And he can cry for "Mama" or "Mommeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" in ways that both make my heart sing and break depending on the reason for the call. But at this age his sister was using complete sentences and Ben's list of words is relatively short and his pronunciation is nowhere near as clear as his sister's was. Thus we get what seems like a lot of grunting followed by frustration and crying because it's hard to figure out what he wants much of the time. One word he says often is "more" and it's always accompanied by the sign for more and it's too darn cute. He's as likely to ask for more books or tickles as he is for more food. He also says "owl" with the emphasis on the "ow" part and he loves dogs, which he calls "buppies". Though many furry things are called "buppies" including all of his sisters Zhu Zhu pets, which he loves!
He is, of course, a toddler and we recently got rid of the high chair and moved a small table into the kitchen for him. Of course sometimes he likes to climb the table or push it around the kitchen, but it still is safer than the highchair, which he pulled over on top of himself one day and he would always try to climb out of it.
Here's my big boy at his table.
Eating a plum
He has recently discovered stuffed animals and particular loves the buppies. He'll grab them and hold them up to his cheek. He's also started to chew on them, just like his big sister did. No pacifiers or thumbs for my kiddos, pass the stuffed animals or blankets please.
In addition to stuffed animals, he loves real ones. Anytime we see a dog he wants to hug it and he often tries to hug our cats.
They cats just barely tolerate Ben and they usually run away from him, but he never gives up. We took the kids to one of the many fall festivals around here a few weekends ago and Ben made friends with a calf.
He also had fun posing for some photos
and playing with his big sister.
He loves to be read to and will bring us books to be read. He has a few favorites. Brown Bear, Brown Bear; Polar Bear, Polar Bear; Sheep in a Jeep, to name a few. Whenever a grandparent visits he needs a little time to warm up, the best way into his heart is through books. If you start reading he'll come right over. Also, if he's having a tantrum about something often I can just start reading a book and he'll come over and quiet right down.
Ben loves to go down the slide on the playground at his school.
In fact, I learned the hard way that I need to take the "long way" around to our car when I pick him up in the evening, otherwise we need to walk through the playground and he has a fit if I don't let him go down the slide a dozen times. Of course, the long way takes us past the big kids playground where there are often many balls laying around and then OMG, the wriggling to try and get down and get to the balls kills me. But if I try to let him walk... well, hahahahahahaha! Which reminds me that "ball" is another one of the words we hear all the time. He's just a little obsessed.
Ben is 100% boy. I hate the stereotype, but he really is hardwired in the stereotypical way. He loves anything with wheels and recently discovered the joy of trains! My parents gave him a train table as an early Christmas present and at the same time brought up all my nephews old trains. When my mom opened the big bin of trains and accessories it was if angels started to sing. He walked right over and then sat down and played for about an hour. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.
On the downside, we can't keep him off the darn table!
You've never seen a happier kid than when he's kneeling on driver's seat of my car with his hands on the steering wheel.
A couple of weekends ago we went to visit the fire station. It's hard to describe the joy, so I'll show you.
He kicked a soccer ball all the way down the sideline before his sister's soccer game the other day and had all the parents oohing and aahing. He loves to throw balls, and really anything else for that matter. He also loves to wrestle and tackle. Unfortunately he also hits a lot. If I had a dollar for every time I've said "gentle hands" I'd be rich. He's still the cutest incarnation of a Tasmanian Devil that I've ever seen. He's also almost 30 pounds and 34 inches tall (90th percentile across the board). He physically wears me out. My parents and I took the kids out to dinner one day last week when they were visiting and mid-way through the meal I was literally dripping with sweat with the effort of chasing and restraining Ben. But I couldn't love the little guy more. He makes us all laugh, keeps us on our toes (literally), warms our hearts and lights up our lives!
Friday, October 8, 2010
All's Well
I know, I know, I suck at this blogging stuff. I didn't mean to leave you all hanging and I'm sorry. I've just been unbelievably busy and can barely find time to read anything much less post here. Anyway... I'll try to write a proper post soon, but for inquiring minds the followup mammogram was more of the same. They reported that they see an area that is "likely" benign but want me to come back in for another mammogram in 6 months. Nobody seems concerned and so I was ok with things (still am really). Nevertheless I am going in for a second opinion of sorts on Monday. My OB called me and said that whenever a patient is asked to do a repeat mammogram in less than a year she offers a referral to a practice of specialists. I figure better safe than sorry, so I called and on Monday I'm heading to the Center for Breast Health to see what they think.
Have got lots more to say, but I'm tired and I'm going jogging with a friend in the morning, so nighty night all.
And thanks to all who checked in on me and for all the care and concern -- you all seriously warm my heart!
Have got lots more to say, but I'm tired and I'm going jogging with a friend in the morning, so nighty night all.
And thanks to all who checked in on me and for all the care and concern -- you all seriously warm my heart!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Karmic Payback
I knew I was tempting fate by actually saying and writing that the mammogram was no big deal. When I got home from work last night there was a message on our voicemail from the radiology center asking me to call back. For once I was actually hoping it was some insurance issue. I just called and it turns out they want me to come back in for more films due to some "thick tissue" on one side. Of course they can't see me until Monday. Of course I went straight to Dr. Google. It seems that thick tissue makes it more difficult to identify abnormalities on a mammogram. I'm going to try to remain calm. (ha ha ha) I now have almost exactly 96 hours in which to try to not panic and imagine all sorts of worst case scenarios. Thank you universe, I really needed something else to deal with right now!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Firsts
In the last few days I've had a few firsts. My first meeting with a therapist, my first mammogram, and my meeting with a "wellness coach".
I had intended to put up a post right away to give my very first impressions of these firsts, but Ha Ha, I should have known better. Though I don't think my thoughts on these have changed much, so what I'm about to write will probably be pretty similar to what I would have written 2 days ago.
I'll start with the easy one - the mammogram. Aside from making me feel old, it really was no big deal. So I'll risk saying that I don't get all the angst about them. Not that I love having some stranger grabbing my boob and mashing it down in a machine, but it really didn't hurt. In fact, I'd have to say that the worst part was having to hold my breath while the technician took the picture.
The appointment with the therapist was ok. She was nice and I felt comfortable talking to her. Though I'll pretty much tell anyone anything if given an opening. (The only reason I'm sort of anonymous here is because my husband would have a cow if I went "public" - plus I don't want to risk certain family members stumbling across all this.) So, I talked a lot and she talked a bit, and I suppose that's how those things go. I made another appointment for 2 weeks from now because she's going to be on vacation next week.
Despite liking the therapist, I felt disappointed after I left. It took me so long to get to this place and now I'm ready to tackle things. And there are a lot of things to tackle. While I definitely think there will be a benefit in the long-term from talking and working through this stuff with her, I'm wanting to take action, to move, to address stuff head on, not just talk. I want to get myself assessed for ADD, I think I want to get my daughter assessed too, I'm pretty sure we'll need to bring my husband in to talk about the parenting issues and some of the marriage issues, and I mentioned all those things, but that's as far as it went. She didn't offer to meet with us together, she said, "maybe you could talk with someone or go to a parenting class". She suggested maybe seeing psychiatrist for the ADD stuff. Mind you this is a full service counseling center that offers all of these services and more. One of the reasons I choose to go there even though they don't take my insurance was because of the one-stop-shopping. I'm feeling just a tad overwhelmed and the notion of having the built-in support and ease of dealing with these issues in one place was very reassuring. I realize her job is not to tell me what to do or do anything for me, but I guess I was hoping for someone who might at least volunteer some suggestions or referrals. I'll definitely go back for another appointment. I just need to figure out if I need to readjust my expectations or find someone else to work with. Sigh.
That leads to my last first, the "wellness coach". It may seem weird that I met with the therapist and wellness coach back to back, so let me 'splain. I actually signed up for the session with the coach through the fitness center at my work. I thought it would be focused on fitness and diet and I could definitely use some help here. I signed up thinking it would be a one-time meeting and hoped to discuss how to design realistic fitness and nutrition regimes for myself. Oh, but she was so much more. First of all she was super nice. Second, she made me cry, several times! She actually asked me some questions that I had expected the therapist might have asked me. But the thing I really liked is that she is action oriented. She is a coach, not a therapist, so when I walked out of the meeting I had two goals set for myself the next two weeks and another meeting scheduled with her.
I know I can't afford to keep seeing both of these women for very long, but I'm going to do a few sessions with each and see how I feel about things.
I had intended to put up a post right away to give my very first impressions of these firsts, but Ha Ha, I should have known better. Though I don't think my thoughts on these have changed much, so what I'm about to write will probably be pretty similar to what I would have written 2 days ago.
I'll start with the easy one - the mammogram. Aside from making me feel old, it really was no big deal. So I'll risk saying that I don't get all the angst about them. Not that I love having some stranger grabbing my boob and mashing it down in a machine, but it really didn't hurt. In fact, I'd have to say that the worst part was having to hold my breath while the technician took the picture.
The appointment with the therapist was ok. She was nice and I felt comfortable talking to her. Though I'll pretty much tell anyone anything if given an opening. (The only reason I'm sort of anonymous here is because my husband would have a cow if I went "public" - plus I don't want to risk certain family members stumbling across all this.) So, I talked a lot and she talked a bit, and I suppose that's how those things go. I made another appointment for 2 weeks from now because she's going to be on vacation next week.
Despite liking the therapist, I felt disappointed after I left. It took me so long to get to this place and now I'm ready to tackle things. And there are a lot of things to tackle. While I definitely think there will be a benefit in the long-term from talking and working through this stuff with her, I'm wanting to take action, to move, to address stuff head on, not just talk. I want to get myself assessed for ADD, I think I want to get my daughter assessed too, I'm pretty sure we'll need to bring my husband in to talk about the parenting issues and some of the marriage issues, and I mentioned all those things, but that's as far as it went. She didn't offer to meet with us together, she said, "maybe you could talk with someone or go to a parenting class". She suggested maybe seeing psychiatrist for the ADD stuff. Mind you this is a full service counseling center that offers all of these services and more. One of the reasons I choose to go there even though they don't take my insurance was because of the one-stop-shopping. I'm feeling just a tad overwhelmed and the notion of having the built-in support and ease of dealing with these issues in one place was very reassuring. I realize her job is not to tell me what to do or do anything for me, but I guess I was hoping for someone who might at least volunteer some suggestions or referrals. I'll definitely go back for another appointment. I just need to figure out if I need to readjust my expectations or find someone else to work with. Sigh.
That leads to my last first, the "wellness coach". It may seem weird that I met with the therapist and wellness coach back to back, so let me 'splain. I actually signed up for the session with the coach through the fitness center at my work. I thought it would be focused on fitness and diet and I could definitely use some help here. I signed up thinking it would be a one-time meeting and hoped to discuss how to design realistic fitness and nutrition regimes for myself. Oh, but she was so much more. First of all she was super nice. Second, she made me cry, several times! She actually asked me some questions that I had expected the therapist might have asked me. But the thing I really liked is that she is action oriented. She is a coach, not a therapist, so when I walked out of the meeting I had two goals set for myself the next two weeks and another meeting scheduled with her.
I know I can't afford to keep seeing both of these women for very long, but I'm going to do a few sessions with each and see how I feel about things.
Friday, September 17, 2010
A Long Time Coming
Yesterday I finally made the call. On Monday I have an appointment with a therapist.
I have so many things to deal with that I really don't even know where to start. I know that finally calling and making the appointment, despite being worried about where it might lead and stressing over how to pay for, it is a good first step. Though it is probably a step I should have taken years ago.
In addition to my mental health, I'm also playing catch up on medical appointments. I saw the dentist last week, saw the gynecologist yesterday, and I see a new dermatologist in a week. Funny thing about all those intrusive exams and specula I dealt with during the years of infertility treatments -- instead of making my annual pap seem like no big deal, I actually dread it more than ever. I didn't have to wait for the doctor for very long, but by the time she came in I was sweating and my whole body was completely tensed up. Thank goodness the doctor is very nice, very quick, and overall it wasn't all that uncomfortable. Still, if I never saw another speculum as long as I live you wouldn't hear me complaining.
Back to the mental health stuff. One of the things I plan to talk about with the therapist is how to deal with our daughter's behavior. She's been winning the battles and we're all losing the war. She's actually been ok lately, but even on our best days it feels like a constant struggle. I suspect that at some point very soon my husband and I will go in together to discuss this, but I wanted to go to this first session alone and just be able to dump out all my issues at once and see where it makes sense to begin.
I have so many things to deal with that I really don't even know where to start. I know that finally calling and making the appointment, despite being worried about where it might lead and stressing over how to pay for, it is a good first step. Though it is probably a step I should have taken years ago.
In addition to my mental health, I'm also playing catch up on medical appointments. I saw the dentist last week, saw the gynecologist yesterday, and I see a new dermatologist in a week. Funny thing about all those intrusive exams and specula I dealt with during the years of infertility treatments -- instead of making my annual pap seem like no big deal, I actually dread it more than ever. I didn't have to wait for the doctor for very long, but by the time she came in I was sweating and my whole body was completely tensed up. Thank goodness the doctor is very nice, very quick, and overall it wasn't all that uncomfortable. Still, if I never saw another speculum as long as I live you wouldn't hear me complaining.
Back to the mental health stuff. One of the things I plan to talk about with the therapist is how to deal with our daughter's behavior. She's been winning the battles and we're all losing the war. She's actually been ok lately, but even on our best days it feels like a constant struggle. I suspect that at some point very soon my husband and I will go in together to discuss this, but I wanted to go to this first session alone and just be able to dump out all my issues at once and see where it makes sense to begin.
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