The Joke's On Me (or Hope, Short-lived)

So much for good Karma. Got the message on my voicemail from my nurse that I had "another great rise, beta was 5186, oh and please call and schedule an ultrasound for tomorrow. Congratulations again." WTF?!

First of all, 5186 is most definitely NOT a good rise from 4565 two days ago (I can fucking multiply.) And, coming in for an ultrasound at only 5 weeks. I'm no dummy, that's not normal.
So, I call her back but get a message that she's gone for the rest of the day. So I call the front desk to schedule the appointment. The woman asks why I'm coming in tomorrow. I tell her the nurse told me to. She gets a nurse and my chart and they discuss say it looks fine, they don't know why I should have to come in tomorrow. So, she says she'll have to talk to the Dr. and call me back. She calls a few minutes later to report that the doctor is out tomorrow so can I come Friday, oh and she tells me "everything's great, don't worry." Again I say to myself, WHAT THE FUCK?! "Don't worry" Are they kidding? So, once again I got to be the one to call my husband and deliver bad news. Happy Fucking Wednesday.

Incidentally, Babymed.com had this to say about my hcg rise: "The Two-Day hCG rise was 14% and is considered slower than normal." No kidding!

Gratitude and Good Karma

Today has been such an amazing day and I'm feeling so grateful to the World Wide Web right now. First of all, thanks to all of you from Blogland who stopped by with congratulations and well wishes -- I really can't express how much it means to me. All those positive vibes really do help me feel more hopeful and less fearful. Secondly, a karmic thanks to my real life friends and colleagues, who really stepped up to the plate today. I emailed about 20 people with a request to go vote for Mel in the Weblog awards. I was really surprised at the number who emailed me that they had voted and would continue to do so, and several even told me they planned to forward the link to friends of theirs. Only a handful of these friends actually know much about my efforts to have another baby and only one knows about this blog--and that's a story for another day :). Tomorrow I go in for my third blood test and I know that for about 6 hours tomorrow I'll be a nervous wreck. But right now I'm feeling really positive and I'll go to bed tonight daydreaming about the future. Thanks to you all!

Courting Hope

Well, here's the story. I'm pregnant. Today I got the results of my second beta and they came in at 4565, last Thursday's beta was 952. I'm still scared. I'm worried that it could end like others before it, laying on a table next to an ultrasound machine and finding no heartbeat. I'm worried about things that haven't ever happened before, an ectopic or suffering a later loss. The last week and a half has been a whirlwind of emotion. Renewed hope, confusion, elation, fear, relief, hope, fear, and so on.

For me the story really begins with the appointment with the RE on October 26. During that appointment he told us that I'd tested positive for the MTHFR mutation and was told to start baby aspirin and Folgard right away. I was also told that as soon as they reviewed some of my blood work I'd likely be starting Metformin. Finally, I was instructed to call on day 1 to schedule a hysteroscopy and have a few additional blood tests done. We went home feeling very happy about things. I expected to get my period at any time, so I expected to be getting confirmation for the Metformin and scheduling the hysterscopy at the same time on Monday. Well, Monday I started smudging (not really spotting, just some brown smudges), which is not an unusual way for my periods to start, but I know they don't consider that day 1, so I didn't call first thing. I called late enough that I didn't get a call back on Monday. Tuesday, I fully expected to begin bleeding heavily, but nothing, not even any smudges. When I got home that night there was a message from my nurse telling me to go ahead and fill the Metformin prescription. Instead, on a total whim, and ONLY because I had two old tests languishing and lonely in the bathroom, I peed on a stick. I almost didn't believe it when I saw two lines, so I took the other and it was positive too. My husband was probably more stunned that I was when I showed him when he got home. The RE was right about one thing -- nothing in our test results had indicated that we COULDN'T get pregnant on our own, but we sure hadn't expected it. So first thing the next morning I called my nurse. They arranged for a blood test on Thurs, and called in a prescription for Lovenox. So Thursday afternoon we got good news and that night I started the Lovenox injections. It wasn't until that night on the way home in the car that it hit me - WE had made done this, my husband and I. Just US, not me and him and a cup and a catheter and team of medical professionals. Just us and in our very own bed. And I cried and cried, because for well over a year I have truly believed that IF we ever were going to get pregnant it would be via IVF. So throughout the next four days I spent about half my time elated and daydreaming about the future and the other half terrified of all that could happen to ruin this fantasy. Today was the longest day. But the news was good and I go back on Wed for another test. In the meantime, I will continue to take my meds and I will try to be hopeful and I will try to not let the fear take over.

Please go vote for Mel -- for all of us!!!

It's easy as pie. Just click here

http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-blog-1.php

Complaint of the Day #2

Lovenox stings like a bitch and it's fucking expensive!

(more details coming soon)

Diagnosis and Question of the day, and unrelated Hooray of the Day

At our meeting with the new RE (have I mentioned that he's incredibly thorough and patient) last Friday, we were informed that I had tested positive with homozygous MTHFR mutation. I'm now taking Folgard twice a day and baby aspirin. The RE explained that the treating this is still controversial, but that given my history, repeated early losses AND a placental abruption during my pregnancy with my daughter, he did not want to ignore it. THIS is the thing I asked my former RE to test me for, and he refused. I know it's controversial and that it could be a red herring, but I'm still pissed!

Oops, I almost forgot my question of the day. This is all so new and I'm curious if anyone else out there who's been diagnosed has any good research or advice to share?

Hooray of the Day:
I was flipping through magazines while waiting in the RE's office this morning. How thrilled to read an article in which a celebrity came clean about using IVF. Check out the interview with Amy Brenneman from the October issue of Good Hskeeping here http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/names/celebrity/amy-brenneman-1007

Complaint of the Day

While I'm extremely happy with the new RE and quite happy with the office in general, I have to say that the women who draw blood in the lab there SUCK at it! They're nice, but horrible at drawing blood. I'll remind you that I've been through FOUR IVF cycles already, have had blood drawn for lots of other non-IVF reasons, and I used to donate blood on a regular basis, and in general it's never been a problem. Sure some are better than others (one nurse at my former RE's office was so good that I hardly felt anything), but no one has ever complained about it being difficult to get a vein or get my blood out. I just don't understand how someone who's primary job is to draw blood can be so bad at it!!! This morning the FIRST women to try was literally shoving the needle all around trying to get it in. The second women had to do the same, but luckily succeeded and I only had to get stuck twice. I rarely get bruises from blood draws or needles in general, but I've got a doozy of one growing now!