Thursday, October 30, 2008

Last Year

A year ago tonight, on what I thought was a pretty stupid whim I took a pregnancy test that came out positive. It was only three days after our initial consult with a new doctor at a new clinic and it was a completely unexpected surprise. We were pretty excited for about a week. Then things started to go bad.

One year later and I feel oddly like I'm in a similar place. I know that I'm not. When things started looking fishy last year I was only 5 weeks along, we never saw a heartbeat. Right now I am 2 days short of 11 weeks and I've seen a lovely flickering heartbeat 3 times already. Nevertheless, I feel a little like I did one year ago today (before things went downhill). I'm happy and excited to be pregnant, and I can't help but think about the future and what our life might be like in another 30 weeks. But I'm also still scared.

For my birthday yesterday I got a nice big check in the mail from my parents and a generous Amazon gift certificate from other family members. Money is a little tight these days because like or not we have to assume the best and start planning for how we'll finance maternity leave. Therefore, I intend to use the birthday money and gift certificate to buy some new clothes. But as I was telling that to my husband last night I also commented that there is no way I'll be buying anything until after the next scan in 12 days, and that would be the earliest. I don't think I'd realized until that moment just how nervous I am.

I'll confess that I have bought 1 thing for the baby. But that was the day I saw the heartbeat for the third time and I was feeling giddy and optimistic. Plus, I rationalized that if something goes wrong I can always gift it to someone else.

November 11th is the date of my next appointment and I can tell you it won't get here fast enough for me.

In my ongoing efforts to try and remember the bright side of life. I will report that my husband did surprise me last night with some yummy cannoli and a gift certificate for a spa manicure, pedicure, and a massage. He also brought home a chocolate truffle cake that he says will be part of a better though belated birthday celebration over the weekend.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Today's My Birthday, UGH!

I know it's just a number and it shouldn't matter, but still I'm hating that I turn 39 today. My sister called me yesterday to say that she's trying to forget my birthday because "39 is really fucking old, and I'm older than that!" We agreed we would not be accepting any more birthdays. So there!

Yesterday sucked a bit. Work was ok, but upon backing out of my parking row at the end of the day I had a little mishap. I was trying very carefully not to hit any of the cars parked to my right, but missed how close I was to the concrete pylons on my left and I completely tore off my driver side rear view mirror. Then when I got home I realized that the black rubber piece on the bottom of my boot heel was gone. I wore these boots almost every day between Oct and March last year and had every intention of doing the same this year, now I can't wear them and my feet are cold! Plus, it means more money to spend and one more thing to do! Then when my husband got home we got into a fight over my little mishap and money. I finally sat down this weekend to figure out how much money we need to save now to pay for my maternity leave and it wasn't pretty. So, he was already stressed about money and now of course we have to pay to fix the car. THEN, when I was getting my stuff ready to leave this morning I realized that he ate the last piece of the birthday cheesecake that his parents had brought me this weekend. ARGH! 'Cause I can bet he won't be surprising me with any birthday cake tonight. He always gets me some gift, but he's just not very good at birthdays. If it weren't for my parents or his parents, I wouldn't have had a birthday dessert in the last 10 years.

On the bright side, yesterday I got to have lunch with three great friends who I do not see often enough. I was also able to get a last minute appointment at the hair salon last night and got about 4 inches cut off (hooray!). And, I actually have already found a body shop that can fix my car and they might be able to have it done this week.

And the best bright thing of all, my kid. She's still planning to dress up as a pregnant cat for Halloween. I can't wait to explain that to everyone!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

If I had a choice

If my doctor told me to eat nothing but spinach and stand on my head for the next 30 weeks to make sure this pregnancy ends well I'd do it. So this post falls under the "not complaining, just sayin'" category.

If I was allowed to choose between a PIO injection once a night and the twice daily Prometrium suppositories that I'm on now, I'd definitely choose the injection. I'll do it as prescribed, but it's just all around icky.

Monday, October 27, 2008

We Told!

My in-laws were in town over the weekend and we told them. Before they arrived I asked my husband if he didn't think it would be weird to be spending most of the weekend with them and have this hanging out there. Plus, I suggested that if we lose this pregnancy at this point or later, wouldn't he want to have them to talk to about it. So, he told and then I spent about 4 hours on Sunday, while my husband and FIL took our daughter out to the pumpkin patch, talking to my MIL about it and listening to her tell me not to go up and down the stairs. WTF? And giving me dirty looks later on when my daughter sat on my lap and wanted to be tickled. I'll confess that a little part of me was actually starting to regret that we told them. But I'll be fair and say that the majority of our time together was fine and I know she's just concerned. Her other daughter-in-law is also pregnant right now (about 8 weeks further along than me) and she has also suffered through several miscarriages and has had a very rough pregnancy. So I get that my MIL now has something else to worry about, but what I really need are for people to be supportive and rational, not treat me like I might break at any moment. Of course, I'm being careful and frankly, I think I'm being overly cautious as it is. But I'm fairly certain that walking up and down one flight of stairs is not going to jeopardize this pregnancy.

***

My daughter thinks it's a big secret all of sudden, but she is still wishing for a new baby every day. She suddenly refuses to tell us what her "wish" is, but complains EVERY day that "it" hasn't come true. I'm actually a bit worried that when we finally tell her about the baby, she's going to think it's because of her magic wand wishes. I've also realized recently that she is incredibly jealous and a little angry that my sister-in-law is pregnant. She found out from my MIL about the same time that I did -- when my SIL was only about 6 weeks along. We've had some really odd conversations about the size of our extended family and the ages of all the kids and switching houses with my BIL/SIL. After a couple of these it finally dawned on me what the issue was and apparently this weekend she had some similar conversations with my MIL, who came to the exact same conclusions that I did.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

One Giant Leap to a Bizarre Conclusion

Wow, I really have no idea how what I wrote in my last post and an earlier post about our decision not to tell a lot of people about this pregnancy would lead Anonymous to ask this "So if the NT Scan is not normal are you going to have an abortion? Is that why you are waiting to tell family and friends?"

I suppose I could give anon the benefit of the doubt and assume it's an innocent quetion, but frankly it seems pretty loaded to me. It also seems downright rude, and frankly, odd. The two posts anon referenced have nothing to do with each other. We're nervous about this pregnancy because I've had so many early miscarriages before. Even when I was pregnant with my daughter and had only had one miscarriage we waited until after the first trimester to tell people. Doesn't seem so strange to me that we'd want to do the same now, with a greater history of miscarriage.

As for the NT scan: As most of you probably know, the scan will just give us a more precise statistic regarding the risk for certain problems including Downs syndrome. First of all, we wouldn't make ANY decision about the pregnancy based on the NT scan, at most it would help us decide if we want to proceed with CVS or an amnio.

And to be perfectly frank, if we have an amnio or CVS and there's a problem I really don't know what we'd do. I'm sure it would depend on the nature and severity of the problem. But I've learned a few things in my 39 years, one thing is to never say never, and another, and related thing, is that with very difficult situations it's pretty darn hard to know for sure how you'll feel or what decisions you might make in the abstract. It's one thing to say "if I was faced with xxxx", it's often quite another to actually have to deal with xxxx in real life.

I realize that there are some people out there who are so certain about their beliefs that life is pretty black and white and circumstances don't always factor into their decisions, but I'm not one of those people. And if you don't like it, you don't have to read my blog.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Miscellaneous Ramblings of A Tired, Emotional, Irrational Wreck

Ugh, I hardly know where to start today, I have so many random thoughts floating around in my head and I just need to get them out.

* November 11 is a long, long, long, long way off. That's the day of my appointment for my nuchal translucency scan. It's 3 weeks away! Since my first beta I haven't had to wait more than 10 days between tests or ultrasounds. After last Thursday's appointment I knew it would be about 4 weeks until my next appointment, but on the heels of my third good ultrasound I was feeling ok about that. Now, after 5 days and the pediatrician telling me yesterday that my daughter has the coxsackie virus, I'm no longer feeling so comfortable with that wait. According to Dr. Google, the coxsackie virus is very contagious AND "some studies have linked coxsackie viruses to miscarriage, neurodevelopmental delay, and cortical necrosis. One study associated the presence of coxsackievirus with respiratory failure and global cognitive defects." I know it's probably overkill, but in the past 24 hours I've washed just about anything I could fit into the washing machine on hot water. All of our bed linens, my daughters blankets, pillows and stuffed animals. I also pulled out the antibacterial gel. I don't usually use the stuff, but I am now!

* On a slightly related note, I think I got spoiled by the lovely and caring nurses and employees at my fertility clinic. I called my OB's office today to ask a few questions, including to find out if I need to be worried about this coxsackie virus. They don't have any sort of nurses line to call and the woman who answered the phone told me she'd just have to take a message for one of the nurses. She sounded so annoyed that I would have questions and want to leave an actual message. By the time I hung up, I was practically in tears AND really pissed off. This is a rather large high-risk practice, it's hard for me to believe that they don't get lots of patient calls and I'm frankly shocked that they don't have a better system than leaving a message about medical questions with the receptionist! I can only imagine how long it will take to get a return call.

* I'm getting increasingly stressed out concerning whether to have a CVS, amnio, or either. I'll be 39 in about a week. At my appointment last week, the perinatologist basically said to me, you're 39 here are your two options. (Don't get me wrong, he wasn't mean or rude about it, but he clearly thinks we should do some form of testing.) I was 32 when I had my daughter and I had no risk factors, so we didn't face any of these decisions then. Prior to this, my husband and I had only had theoretical discussions about this stuff and we both always said we definitely want to do something. However, after my appointment I emailed my husband a bunch of information on CVS and Amnio and in the face of the reality of this he completely freaked out. He doesn't usually call me during work hours, but that day we had about 4 phone conversations and then more discussion that night. Though he's always been firmly in the camp of testing, his response was that he is seriously considering that if the NT scan is ok we forgo the CVS/Amnio route because of the risks involved. I was absolutely floored. I've always assumed we'd do one of them, just wasn't sure which, and I really assumed that his stance was firm too. He's possible change of heart has really thrown me for a loop. Given what it's taken for us to get to this point I have no desire to put this pregnancy at any increased risk. On the other hand, no doing the test at my age seems like a big gamble that I don't really want to take. I'm hoping that when we go for the NT scan (he'll be with me this time), we can ask some more questions about both tests and perhaps the doctor can ease his mind about the risks and provide us with additional information that will help us choose (assuming we choose to do anything).

* One positive thing is that it turns out I actually can give myself injections on the left side! So, I'm not stuck repeatedly stabbing myself in my right butt cheek all week, while my husband is out of town. I still don't love doing them myself, but it hasn't been too bad. Oh, except... For those of you who may not know - after injecting the needle for an IM injection the instructions are to withdraw the plunger slightly to check for blood. If you see blood in the syringe, that indicates that you hit a vein, and you have to change needles and find a new site for the injection. Throughout all the IM injections for my 5 fresh IVFs and my FET, not once has there been blood in the syringe. Until Sunday night, the first night I had to do the injections myself. Since I had to redo the delestrogen because of the blood, I ended up having to stab myself 4 times that night (once for the progesterone, once for the lovenox, and twice for the delestrogen.)

* I'm excited that Saturday will be the last day of my progesterone and delestrogen injections. I'm also really nervous that Saturday will be the last day of my progesterone and delestrogen injections. I know the doctors who design the protocal know that they're doing, but so far this pregnancy has been progressing well and I'm more than a bit nervous about doing anything new and different!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

A Literal and Figurative Pain in My Ass

Yes, I know what you may be thinking... Three posts in one day! That's what happens when my husband is out of town (and I can actually get my hands on the computer) and my daughter is curled up on the couch all day. Anyway, I'm here to write about one consequence of my husband being gone this week.

I have to give myself my own progesterone and delestrogen injections for 4 nights!

I hate to whine about anything associated with this pregnancy, because I'm so grateful that I'm actually still pregnant, but the injections have been getting more and more painful and I can only inject myself on the right side. That means that every night I'll be injecting the progesterone on the right side and tonight and Wednesday I'll ALSO be injecting the delestrogen on the same side. The most annoying thing about this is the timing, if only the trip was one week later it wouldn't be an issue at all, because Saturday is the last day of these injections. After Saturday no more delestrogen and I move to progesterone suppositories. Sigh.

On that note I think I'll go watch the rest of Mary Poppins with my sweet girl.

Mashed Potatoes Or If the fever doesn't fry her brain the TV will

Although my daughter was a 32 week preemie and spent 4 weeks in the hospital, she's actually been a remarkably healthy little girl ever since. In her 6 years she's had only 1 ear infection, she got a rotovirus when she was about 2, and she's had several bouts of strep. However, she's only once had a fever with strep and most of the time had very few symptoms. Other than that, she's had colds and a few fevers, but everything was mild and short-lived. So much so that her idea of being sick is feeling fine, but getting to stay home with mommy or daddy. But right now she's sick. I think it's safe to say she's got the flu. Her strep test on Thursday was negative, and I was relieved given her tendency to get it, but now I'd welcome something that could get knocked out with an antibiotic. She is now going on 5 days with a fever and sore throat and 3 days with fevers above 103. I know fevers that high are not too unusual for kids, but they are for my daughter. In fact, she's never had a fever this high or for this long before. She's hardly eaten in the past few days. Even when she's feeling better thanks to the children's mo.trin, she's still uninterested in food. However, she just asked for some mashed potatoes, so right now there's a large pot of potatoes boiling away in the kitchen.

I just finished the potatoes--turns out I made enough for a Thanksgiving dinner! There are certainly worse things to have too much of.

The kid's been so miserable and tired that she's basically done nothing but watch tv for the last 3 1/2 days. Of course, this part of being sick she loves, since we usually limit her tv watching to a dvd or two, depending on length, on the weekends.

I thought for sure she'd be back to school by tomorrow, but now it looks like I'm going to have to take at least one more day off from work to stay home with her (at noon today my husband flew off to attend a conference until Thursday, so right now it's just me). I haven't gotten a flu shot yet (though I know it's no guarantee anyway), so I'm praying that I don't catch this thing. Not only do I not want to get sick, but I'm a little paranoid about this pregnancy so I'd like to not have something else to worry about.

On the bright side.

Oh wait, I was just interrupted by brightness of a different sort than I'd intended to write about. Bright red. As in a nose bleed. As if the fever, sore throat and congestion weren't enough, she just had a doozy of a nosebleed. I was typing and she calls out, "mommy there's red stuff in my mashed potatoes". I got up casually assuming the cause was her loose tooth. What a surprise I got when I saw the bottom half of her face covered in blood.

So, where was I? Oh yes, the bright side. Despite feeling awful, my daughter has actually been quite sweet and well-behaved throughout this illness. Don't get me wrong, there's been some whining and nagging ("come sit with Meeeeee!"), but for the most part she's been quite a little dear. All pleases and thank yous, even in the middle of the night. Earlier today she even made this.

Show and Tell (Updated with Recipe)

So it's Fall now and, as happens every year, as the pumpkins show up on the sides of the road and at the grocery stores and the weather gets cool the urge to cook returns.

In the past couple of weeks I've made homemade sloppy joes, chicken pot pie (though the easy kind with biscuits on top instead of a crust), meatloaf & mashed potatoes, and an huge pot of navy bean soup. So far everything has been a big hit with the family and I make everything in batches big enough for lots of leftovers. This usually means that whenever we decide to thaw we get another delicious meal AND I don't have to cook that night. Yesterday I made a huge batch of lentil soup. It is, in my humble opinion, the best lentil soup recipe ever. I got it from my father-in-law and even my daughter loves it. So, here is the half of the batch that went into the basement freezer. Of course the photo doesn't do it justice, but knowing what's in there is making my mouth water.



If you want to see what everyone else is sharing go here.

Update starts here

I realize this probably isn't a unique recipe, but it's my favorite.

Lentil Vegetable Soup

2 large ham hocks (sometimes when the ham hocks have very little meat, I buy a boneless ham steak and chop it up and add it at the end)
2 cups lentils
1 cup chopped onion
1 cup chopped celery
1/2 cup chopped carrots
1 tablespoons of snipped parsley (I often use dried and it comes out fine)
1 clove minced garlic
1 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
1 large can tomatoes
2 tablespoons wine vinegar (I used red wine vinegar)

-Rinse lentils, drain and place in a large soup kettle with the ham hocks.
-Add 8 cups water and all remaining ingredients except tomatoes and vinegar.
-Cover and simmer for about 2 hours.
-Remove hocks to cool; then cut the bits of ham off the bones and add back to the soup. Discard the bones and skin.
-Add tomatoes and cut up any large pieces; add vinegar.
-Cover and simmer for another 30 minutes or so.
-Season to taste.

Additional notes.
- I usually double for triple the recipe, but you do need a LARGE stockpot to do that (I have this one.)
- I also add fresh spinach leaves at the very end and even my daughter hasn't complained about the addition.
- For the tomatoes I sometimes buy canned whole tomatoes and cut them up, but I often I buy crushed and it works well (I prefer fire roasted crushed!)
- I usually add a few chicken bouillon cubes or replace some of the water with chicken or vegetable stock. In either case I usually cut the added salt.
- Lastly, buy some really good fresh bread and enjoy!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The telling (or not...)

Since anonymous asked in a comment to my last post, I thought I'd respond with a post about how we're handling sharing or not sharing our news.

Besides me and my husband, the only family who know that I'm pregnant are my parents and my sister. All of us are cautiously optimistic. I think my sister and mom are excited but nervous. My dad - and my mom too - I think are very concerned about my health. After my daughter was born I know that my dad hoped we'd stop at one for that reason. In addition to being my dad, he's also a biochemist with ALOT of doctor friends. I don't think he applied his research skills to find out as much as he probably could have, but I know he's been very concerned about the long-term effects of all the hormones that went along with my 6 IVF cycles. He did apply some research skills to the issue of the MTHFR mutation, which I clearly inherited from both parents, and that only added to his worries.

As for my husband's side of the family we are waiting. Since it's his family, it's his call and he's still very nervous about things and wants to wait until we are farther along. He's also not really very close with either of his siblings (I could count on both hands--maybe even one--the number of times he talks on the phone or exchanges emails with either of them in any given year), so there's not much temptation for him there. I sort of wonder if he won't end up telling his parents sooner rather than later, but I know he won't want to tell his siblings until later on.

Finally, we are holding off on telling our daughter for awhile. While it is difficult considering all of her hoping and wishing, neither of us wants to be in the position of telling her now when we feel the odds of losing this pregnancy are still too high for comfort. I will say that I can't wait to tell her. I know that she will be over the moon about it. Of course, by the time this baby comes she'll have been an only child for more than 6 1/2 years and I think she has no idea what she's in for!

All that said, I'm a blabber mouth and it is much harder for me to keep this a secret. Having the internet to "talk to" about all this is really saving my sanity. So thanks to everyone who reads and comments, because knowing at least a few people are reading and paying attention really helps!

High Blood Pressure

The first thing they did at my first appointment with the perinatal practice today was take my blood pressure. After the nurse took it she looked at me and asked if my blood pressure is usually on the high side. I almost laughed because my blood pressure is always good -- as in low. Both my sister in I have always had almost unusually low blood pressure. Anyway, after I laid on my side for a few minutes the nurse took it again and it was much lower. I wasn't too surprised. I suspect if they'd taken my blood pressure at the RE's office before my first 2 ultrasounds the results would have been the same. Despite the success of the prior two ultrasounds, in the 24 hours leading up to today's appointment I was getting progressively more anxious. My indigestion and nauseau have even let up a bit since last Friday, which only added to my worry.

I'm happy to report that everything was fine again today. The nurse practioner who I spent over an hour with was absolutely lovely and the baby measured at 8 weeks 5 days -- right on target. And I finally got an official due date (I'm almost afraid to say it (or write it) out loud) -- May 23rd! Though the nurse did make a comment about scheduling a c-section a couple of weeks ahead of that. I confess I didn't ask too many questions about that because (1) it seems like getting way ahead of things (I'm just looking to get to next scan in 4 weeks) and (2) every OB and RE I've had in the past 4 years has said that given my history and risk factors I'd likely have to have another c-section.

I confess my emotions almost got the better of me today. The office I went to for the intake was actually located in a nearby hospital, in fact it's the one in which I will deliver this baby if we make it that far. While I was registering at the front desk a woman walked up and asked when she and her family could go up to see their new grandchild. I looked over to see what appeared to be several grandparents and some aunts and uncles and I almost lost it. The tears welled in my eyes as it occurred to me that for a long time now I've worried that I'd never be in a position to have anyone visit me after giving birth. I also made me sad as I remembered that when my daughter was born there were no happy hospital family reunions. Between the time I entered the hospital at 30 weeks and when she was discharged from the NICU 7 weeks later we had plenty of visits, but they weren't filled with much joy. Granted, our daughter is now perfectly healthy (save the fever and sore throat we are all now suffering through with her), but it still makes me a little sad thinking about how her birth, and the weeks before and after, was not the joyful time one hopes for. Additionally, it was pretty weird once I got into the antenatal testing office and saw all the big round bellies. We all tend to be shielded from that at the RE's office, but I guess those days are over.

Well, I don't want to end this post on a sad note, because I assure you I'm not in the least bit sad right now. I've got three new ultrasound photos on my dresser upstairs and I AM feeling just as horridly tired as I have been for a few weeks now. So, probably until about a day before my next appointment I expect to be in pretty good spirits--with regard to the pregnancy anyway. ;)

Monday, October 13, 2008

Show and Tell

A couple of weeks ago my daughter turned 6. My favorite part of birthdays (or any holiday for that matter) is the baking. So here's what I did this time...



The inspiration for the cake was a painting we bought for her room a couple of years ago. The actual painting has lots of princesses and a dragon, but I know my limits with icing and they don't extend that far!

The cookie bouquets didn't come out quite as I'd hoped, but for a first and rushed attempt I wasn't too disappointed (and the kids sure didn't care!)



Friday, October 10, 2008

Did Everyone Hear My Huge Sigh of Relief?

So, yes everything looks good. The little bugger is even measuring a couple of days ahead (at 8 weeks) with a heart rate of 166. We got to see where the placenta has formed and my husband and the nurse even saw the little guy moving around! Apparently when my nurse told me last week that his was to be my last visit there she was wrong. My RE said he would have seen me one more time, but since I already have an appointment with the perinatologist in a week (next Thursday!) that he didn't need to bother. So they did one last blood draw and gave us the paperwork we need for the next doc and sent us on our merry way. My husband and I talked on the way home and agreed that it's still early enough that we're not totally at ease yet. But, right now I'm feeling pretty darn good!

Hope anyone reading has a fantastic weekend!!!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

18 Hours To Go!

I'm a little anxious, but the lack of any additional bleeding has me feeling more hopeful than I'd expected. Frankly, it's a little scary to feel this hopeful. My husband and I were actually daring enough last night to discuss when we would tell people. It felt a little like we were tempting fate. But I guess it's a little late to worry about that since last week I already made the appointment with the perinatologist and got on the waiting list of a daycare center (gulp).

In unrelated happy news, my mom is on her way to my house right now, and she's bringing beef stew. Not only will I get a see my mom, but I get a yummy dinner, AND I don't have to cook it!

I'll be back with a full report in 18 hours....

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

72 hours to go!

Truly, my next appointment with my RE is in almost exactly 72 hours -- 9:45 on Friday. If things go well there (please, please, please!) then I'm already scheduled to see the perinatologist on October 16. Right now I'm feeling just slightly queasy and I have an awful headache. I'm too paranoid to take anything (mostly b/c of the blood thinner I'm on), so I'm just trying to drink tons of water, but it's not really helping. The indigestion/queasiness settled in over the weekend. It's not too bad, I'm not vomiting or anything, (and really I'm not complaining I'll take any pregnancy symptom the universe wants to the throw at me -- just let everything be ok, ok?) but it is awfully distracting. Still running to the bathroom constantly to check on things. No more red bleeding. Have a had a few very small brown smudges since last week, but am trying not to worry too much.

Guess I better get back to my self-assessment for work (UGH!)

Monday, October 6, 2008

Warning Another Crazy Kid Story

A little (ok maybe a lot) background for this story. My father is Jewish, he is not religiously observant, and growing up his family didn't practice anything. My mom is Italian/Polish Catholic and while she grew up attending church, in my lifetime she has only attended church for weddings, funerals, and (when I was little) an occassional Christmas Eve service. Because my father had little family to speak of, and my mom had a lot, we grew up spending holidays with my mom's family. So, while as a child I rarely entered a church, I did grow up celebrating Christmas, and looking forward to the Easter bunny. My husband, though his family is decidedly Christian, was also raised with a similar lack of religion. And so, our daughter, like her parents, will grow up celebrating Christmas and Easter, but without any real religious beliefs to go along with them.

Anyhoo - It was with some surprise that I heard my daughter ask her friend during lunch at our house on Saturday "Jane are you Jewish?" The look on her friend's face suggested she may have never heard the word before. I asked my daughter why she'd asked that and her response was that her friend "looked like it." After taking a deep breath, I explained that you can't tell someone's religion based on the way they look (I was certainly not going to get into the Jewish religion/race discussion with a 6 year old). The conversation fizzled with the friend's confusion and a little distraction on my part. Skip ahead a day and a half. I was telling the story to my husband at dinner last night. We asked our daughter why she'd asked her friend this and she just shrugged. So, I asked if she knew who was Jewish and then told her that her Grandpa F. is and so that makes me and her part Jewish. Her response was to look me in the eye and, full of indignation, ask me "then why don't we celebrate Chanukah?"

Warning: Hysterical Kid Story (In my opinion anyway)

Yesterday after we got home from my daughter's swim lesson she went into her room to change clothes. All of a sudden she comes running into the kitchen in a t-shirt and nothing else and yells "momma I have to show you something". She grabs my hand and takes me back to her room. She sits on the floor cross-legged, says "I KNOW where the babies come out" and points to the correct area of her anatomy. I calmly said "that's right, that's where they come out." She then looks up at me and says "I know why it hurts so much. Have you seen that hole? It's really small!"

Thursday, October 2, 2008

My Home Away From Home: The Bathroom

In addition to the paranoia induced by the bleeding yesterday, I'm also drinking an absolute ton of water. I'd bet I've been to the bathroom at least 10 times already today and there are still about 5 hours until bedtime. Based on my rough calculations, I will probably visit the bathroom nearly 100 more times before my ultrasound next Friday. I think it's going to be a long week.

My husband doesn't understand why I can't put it out of my mind. I tried to explain to him that even if I was capable of not thinking about while doing other things, I'm reminded every time I need to use the bathroom. I think he's not doing such great job of putting it out of his own head though. He keeps calling me at work to check in and see how I'm doing -- he never does that! We're not a couple that needs to talk all the time, so most days we don't talk during work hours. My cell phone and work caller ID are now filled with his phone number in the "missed called" logs.
But it's kind of nice, I think I'll milk it while I can. :)

More Whining and Worrying

Nothing new to report. Just still nervous. Haven't had anymore red, just a few brown smudges that, I suppose, are to be expected. Nevertheless I am wishing I didn't have to wait 8 more days for the next ultrasound. It's going to be an eternity! My husband is doing EVERYTHING for me. I mentioned that I'd had to stop to get gas on the way home last night, over the course of the evening he must have told me 10 times that he'll do it next time. I feel asleep in my daughters bed last night. Then after my 3 injections and 2 evening pills went to bed at 9:30 and didn't get up until 7am. If only I could sleep through the next week.

I caved in and told my sister yesterday. She called in the afternoon and I realized that no matter what happens with this pregnancy I'll end up telling her anyway so why wait. I completely understand why my mom and sister are so reserved about things, because my husband and I are trying hard to be hopeful but not too excited yet. But still it's sort of sad that when I delivered the news the reaction is so muted. So sad that we can't all just be really excited.

Last, but not least, thanks again for all the comments and support and encouragement. Ladies of the Internet -- you rock!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Still Shaky but My Phone Finally Rang

My nurse just called. The first thing out of her mouth after "Hi xxxx, it's xxx" was "it's because of the ultrasound." She was very nice about reminding me that I'm on baby aspirin AND an injectible blood thinner. She said that unless I start bleeding a lot I really shouldn't worry. Easier said than done! But I do feel a bit better. Won't stop me from running to the bathroom for a panty check as often as possible, but I'm trying to breath deep. Plan to do nothing but lie on the couch all night!!!!!

DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN

My body couldn't just let me enjoy this for a few days. No, I got only almost exactly 24 hours. About a hour and a half ago I went the bathroom. As always did the quick panty check and it was fine, but when I wiped there was bright red blood. Not a ton and it hasn't returned, but I'm freaking out! I called my nurse and left a message and am hoping they'll let me come in for a quick check before my next scheduled appointment on Friday, Oct 10th. I feel like I'm going to throw up and it sure isn't a pregnancy symptom -- it's just pure terror. Why oh why oh why did this have to happen?!