Saturday, July 26, 2008

Show and Tell #1

I FINALLY got around to taking some photos for Show and Tell. So here's my first show and tell submission.

One day last week when I picked my daughter up from her summer camp, she handed me the two index cards below. I'll translate since we clearly we have a little work to do on the spelling and some of the ink she used is hard to see. The card on top is kinda obvious, but it says "Dear Mom I Miss You Alot Thanks For The Love". The bottom card says "Dear Mom Thanks for Sending Me To Camp Love Lucy"

My girl loves to draw and write and most days of the week I am presented with several pictures and notes with messages of love from her. In fact I have several large stacks around the house because I have trouble getting rid of any of them. But there was something about these two little cards that especially touched me. I can't really explain why; perhaps it's just the timing -- getting them at a time when I've been feeling sort of down -- but I've got them on my bedside table and I'm planning to have them framed.

For more from Show and Tell click here ...

Show and Tell

Friday, July 25, 2008


After the last post I actually did turn on an episode of and I DID hop on my elliptical for 45 minutes. I also had a fun exchange with this lovely lady about diaper bags (and yes I AM obsessed with bags of all kinds). While all in the world was not made right by these events I was feeling better. Fast forward an hour. My phone rings. It's my BIL -- the one who moved with his family to Japan earlier this year. The family being SIL and 3 year-old neice. The family was supposed to arrive in the US today. BIL would only be here for a week, but SIL and neice were scheduled to stay for an extended month-long stay with my in-laws. This has actually been much discussed as we were expected to make every effort to see them while here (never mind that my hubby and his siblings NEVER communicate except during major holidays). Anyway, so the plans were made for a visit. BUT, (is the suspense killing you, can you guess???) BIL reports to me that SIL is pregnant, but as it's early and she's had a miscarriage before her doctor ordered her to rest and not travel. So he came alone. I know I should have some sympathy since they have had their own troubles staying pregnant, but in all honesty I just want to cry. Truly I've been anticipating this for a long time. In fact, last summer right after our 4th IVF, I had a funny feeling that it was coming and sure enough I found out that they had gotten pregnant, but that SIL had miscarried.
I hate to sound hard hearted and I certainly don't wish them ill, I truly hope my SIL has a healthy pregnancy and does not have another miscarriage. But frankly I'm not close to them at all, my hubby is not close to them, and in fact they annoy both of us. So, basically I'm just feeling sorry for myself and frankly glad that she's not here because there is NO WAY in the world I could have handled being around her now.

Self Awareness

Well, I'm certainly aware that I'm in a funk. Unfortunately I don't really know why. I'm starting to suspect it's just a whole lot of stuff getting to me at once. I don't know. All I know is that for the couple of weeks I've been feeling increasingly down. The last two days have sucked. I feel like I'm on the verge of crying, in fact I'd like to have a good cry, but it never comes. I really don't know what's going on in my head.

I'm sick of being fat -- and please don't argue because I AM. I'm 20 lbs heavier than I was 15 months ago and even then I wanted to lose another 5. I've lost count of the number of times my daughter has looked at my stomach and announced that I must have a baby in there. Thanks kid! And since I have whined about my weight here on this blog for over a year now, I bet your asking yourself -- so why doesn't the dumbass just do something about it?! Well, isn't that the million dollar question. Seriously, I've been dieting on and off for well over half of my life. When I'm heavy I'm miserable about it, so why why why can't I just stop eating and exercise more. I don't know and I swear I give myself little pep talks every other day and sometimes I do even get to the gym and some days I do actually eat healthfully, but then inevitably I stumble and it starts all over again.

I don't know if this next item is adding to my distress or if my distress is making me imagine it, but I SWEAR it seems like everyone on the Internet (and IRL for that matter) is pregnant or giving birth. Seriously, I can think of about 4 of us who aren't pregnant right now.

I'm stressed about work. I'm behind and that stresses me out, but I can't focus so my days pass in a haze and I don't get much done and the stress grows.

I'm sick of how little I see my kid. I'm not going to get into a whole discussion of my family's financial situation and why I work full-time. Point is, I do and I have a 45 minute to an hour commute twice a day and so I don't see my kid nearly as much as either of us would like.

I'm tired of fighting with my husband over things like money and how to discipline the child that neither of us sees often enough.

I'm not looking forward to having to travel to Mississippi all of next week.

My mother-in-law drives me crazy!!! (But that's a story for another time!)

I feel like a big fat tired sad lazy mess these days. You'd think that being aware of some of the problems and knowing that truly much of it is in my control to change that I might actually feel motivated to get off the ever growing ass and make things better. You'd think that wouldn't you. Seems that instead I just feel unmotivated and blaaaaaaaaaaah.

I'm not even excited about our FET. Really I feel NOTHING when I think about it.
And the adoption, I suppose I should be happy that our paperwork is somewhere in China right now, but all I can think is that we still have well over 2 years to wait to reach the end of that path.

Ick -- I'm so pathetic. I don't even feel sorry for myself, just disgusted.

In typing all this out, however, I did finally shed a few tears. And I do actually feel a tiny bit better.

I think I'll put on an episode of and hop on my elliptical. Maybe a good dose of endorphins is what I need.

My thoughts... in sum

Monday, July 21, 2008

Day 1: Tick Clock Says the Clock

Well I finally got my period today, which means that it's time to call the clinic and put into motion the plan to do a FET next month. Oddly, I don't feel much of anything about it. Not sure why, I know as we get closer I will start the all too familiar rollercoaster of hope and worry, but for now it seems like just another thing on my very long to do list.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Has it really been a month?!

Wow! I knew it had been awhile since my last post but once I started getting emails and comments asking how I was I figured it must have been longer than I realized. Funny how quickly a month can fly by. So, for the few inquiring minds out there -- I'm fine. Nothing much to report other than work being busy and NOT cycling right now. Though... as a matter of fact I am beginning to wonder where old Aunt Flo has gone to. I'm usually right at 28 days and I'm now at day 33! And NOOOOO I AM DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT. Not unless my husband drugged me and had sex with me while I wasn't looking. Thanks to work stress (mine and his, but mostly his), the general malaise I've been experiencing--oh for the past 2 years thanks to all this IF crap, and our near constant arguments over how best to discipline the most stubborn almost 6 year old on the planet, we're both generally pretty grumpy much of the time and let's just say no one (or at least not me!) is in "the mood". I will admit here (quite sadly) that I truly cannot remember the last time we kissed goodnight much less actually "made love". My goodness the thought almost makes me laugh. Anyhoo, so I'm waiting (la la la) to get my period so I can call the RE's office and get the drugs ordered for the FET we will attempt with my NEXT cycle in August (assuming this one ever arrives). I'm assuming that I ovulated late thanks to all kinds of stress and am thinking I'll probably be about a week later than normal.

Other than that... I'm busy enough at work that I haven't had much time to do anything but read some blogs. And, because I've finally gotten back on my early morning work out schedule (yeah me!), I'm too tired at night to actually do anything--like get online and actually post here or comment anywhere else. But trust me I am visiting often and reading as much as possible.

I always love the notion of lazy summer days, but our summer has been anything but lazy. Every weekend is booked and I've been out of town for the past two. Fun stuff, but not a lot of time for lounging around and relaxing. I'll leave you with two things: photos of my kid from our most recent adventure visiting relatives and a promise to be at least a bit more present here in the blogosphere. Adieu!