Self Awareness

Well, I'm certainly aware that I'm in a funk. Unfortunately I don't really know why. I'm starting to suspect it's just a whole lot of stuff getting to me at once. I don't know. All I know is that for the couple of weeks I've been feeling increasingly down. The last two days have sucked. I feel like I'm on the verge of crying, in fact I'd like to have a good cry, but it never comes. I really don't know what's going on in my head.

I'm sick of being fat -- and please don't argue because I AM. I'm 20 lbs heavier than I was 15 months ago and even then I wanted to lose another 5. I've lost count of the number of times my daughter has looked at my stomach and announced that I must have a baby in there. Thanks kid! And since I have whined about my weight here on this blog for over a year now, I bet your asking yourself -- so why doesn't the dumbass just do something about it?! Well, isn't that the million dollar question. Seriously, I've been dieting on and off for well over half of my life. When I'm heavy I'm miserable about it, so why why why can't I just stop eating and exercise more. I don't know and I swear I give myself little pep talks every other day and sometimes I do even get to the gym and some days I do actually eat healthfully, but then inevitably I stumble and it starts all over again.

I don't know if this next item is adding to my distress or if my distress is making me imagine it, but I SWEAR it seems like everyone on the Internet (and IRL for that matter) is pregnant or giving birth. Seriously, I can think of about 4 of us who aren't pregnant right now.

I'm stressed about work. I'm behind and that stresses me out, but I can't focus so my days pass in a haze and I don't get much done and the stress grows.

I'm sick of how little I see my kid. I'm not going to get into a whole discussion of my family's financial situation and why I work full-time. Point is, I do and I have a 45 minute to an hour commute twice a day and so I don't see my kid nearly as much as either of us would like.

I'm tired of fighting with my husband over things like money and how to discipline the child that neither of us sees often enough.

I'm not looking forward to having to travel to Mississippi all of next week.

My mother-in-law drives me crazy!!! (But that's a story for another time!)

I feel like a big fat tired sad lazy mess these days. You'd think that being aware of some of the problems and knowing that truly much of it is in my control to change that I might actually feel motivated to get off the ever growing ass and make things better. You'd think that wouldn't you. Seems that instead I just feel unmotivated and blaaaaaaaaaaah.

I'm not even excited about our FET. Really I feel NOTHING when I think about it.
And the adoption, I suppose I should be happy that our paperwork is somewhere in China right now, but all I can think is that we still have well over 2 years to wait to reach the end of that path.

Ick -- I'm so pathetic. I don't even feel sorry for myself, just disgusted.

In typing all this out, however, I did finally shed a few tears. And I do actually feel a tiny bit better.

I think I'll put on an episode of Hou.se and hop on my elliptical. Maybe a good dose of endorphins is what I need.