Wednesday, December 31, 2008

There's No Place Like Home

Christmas was nice. We generally had a good week away from home, splitting our time between each of our parents. But I have to say that I was very glad to get home yesterday. My mom was completely stressed out by her still unfinished kitchen remodel (great timing!), my sister and brother-in-law were their usual sulky selves, and my mother-in-law drove me absolutely batty. She is in many ways a wonderful MIL and I know she cares A LOT and would do anything for us, but still she can annoy me like no other. I now have two weeks to regroup before putting on a happy face and returning to their house for the long MLK day/inauguration weekend. Unfortunately, my parents will be out of town, so I won't even have the excuse of wanting to see my parents to get away for a bit. Oh well, I can only blame myself, in a moment of forgetfullness or stupidity I was the one who suggested the visit.

Now that I've got the complaints out, we really did have a lovely holiday. Despite everyone's saying they would be more restrained with the gift giving this year, the Ladybug got a ton of new stuff. And thanks to some very excited grandparents, the Bumblebee even got a few gifts already. Speaking of the Bumblebee, he's kicking harder and harder. I love it, it is very reassuring! On the other hand, I wish he would stop stomping on my cervix because that's not so comfortable or reassuring, though the doc told me not to worry (ha ha).

The sweetest thing that happened during our time away was a little "surprise" party my daughter orchestrated on my behalf. On our last day at my in-law's house she overheard my MIL congratulating me on making it to the half way mark of the pregnancy*. Shortly thereafter she went with my father-in-law to run some errands. When they got home she announced that I was not allowed in the kitchen and for the rest of the afternoon there were lots of whisperings that I wasn't supposed to hear.
Just before dinner she dragged me upstairs and did my hair (not my best look!) and then made me change clothes! She then led me into the dining room where my husband and the in-laws yelled out "congratulations". There were flowers on the table, party hats, a dessert made by daughter**, and even a little gift*** wrapped up for me. She's just been too cute. She is constantly hugging and rubbing my belly and ever since my MIL told her the baby might be able to hear her she talks to him too. One morning she even read him a story.

* I'll be 20 weeks this coming Sat, but since I'll have a c-section at 38 weeks, 19 is halfway for me.

** The Ladybug's homemade dessert was cutup apples and bananas with sugar and cinnamon sprinkled on top -- not bad actually!

*** MIL gave the Ladybug some old costume jewelry to give me. It's sweet, but not the first time I've gotten stuff like this from the two of them, and MIL seems to think this is stuff I'll actually wear. I tried to leave it on the dresser in the room we stayed in but the Ladybug went in after I'd packed and dutifully brought it to me. ;)

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


We arrived at my parents house at about 5:30pm yesterday. Had a nice dinner with the family and then my sister and I went out and began our traditional last minute shopping spree for the last few gifts and stocking stuffers for our parents. I was up until about midnight wrapping presents and talking and then fell into bed gleeful with the thought that I didn't have to get up for work and that my mom would be getting up with the kids. So why why why did my body decide that 5:30am was the right time to wake up this morning! I laid in bed for an hour hoping that I'd fall back asleep, but the bumblebee was kicking up a storm (very reassuring!) and then I had to pee, AND my mind was spinning, so at 6:30 I finally gave up. So, now I sit in a dark, quiet house finally about to write the post I've been thinking about for a few days now.

I'm not the best blogger in terms of how often I write or even what I write, and I don't have too many visitors or readers, but I still have been thinking that I really wanted to at least post some holiday greetings for anyone who might stop by.

Since I kept procrastinating getting online and writing a post, I've actually thought about what I would write more than usual. And in thinking about the types of things people usually say around the holidays to one another, about how our emotions can be heightened around the holidays, about what the holidays often signify to infertiles (even those lucky enough to have children or be pregnant), and about just how painful infertility can be all year long (again, even for those lucky enough to have children or be pregnant), I realized that that thing I've wished for most (besides another baby) in the past 3 years is what I'm wishing for all of you this holiday -- peace, more precisely peace of mind.

So, whereever you are on your journey and whatever holiday you may celebrate I wish you peace today and for the new year. I truly hope that 2009 will be a year of wishes coming true for all of us.

Friday, December 19, 2008

How in the world...

could I have gained 2 1/2 pounds since yesterday? And in a fit of disbelief I weighed myself after 30 minutes and I'd gained another 1/2 pound -- and I didn't have anything to eat or drink in the interim!

I know I can't be too concerned about my weight right now. And trust me I'm not trying to lose weight (in fact I've been pretty bad about what I've been eating lately), but until yesterday I was quite happy to have only gained about 3 to 4 pounds seeing as I started off this pregnancy 20 pounds heavier than I was a year and a half ago and 25 pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant with my daughter. I guess I'd better start thinking a bit more about what I put in my mouth. I sure don't need to gain too much with this baby. Both because I don't want to be faced with a 60 pound weight loss next summer and while I didn't have gestational diabetes with my daughter, I am 6 1/2 years older and we have quite the family history of diabetes. Oh well, I guess it's a good wake up call, because weight aside I know that junk food is bad for me and the bumblebee and that we both need good healthy foods.

Happy Friday Everyone!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Has he kicked today?

I'm so glad that we finally told our daughter about the baby. She remains very excited and has told everyone she comes in contact with, and I mean EVERYONE!

Since we told her Monday night, less than 72 hours ago, she's probably asked me several hundred times "is he kicking?" or "will you tell me when you feel him kick?"
The only downside to this is that it makes me all too aware of how often I'm feeling anything and so I'm starting to get paranoid when it seems like too much time as passed since the last time I felt the gentle poking and prodding from the inside. Like right now. I know it's silly. I'm 2 days shy of 18 weeks, and what I do feel is very gentle, so I know it's probably fine. But I'll be happy when the Bumblebee is big enough that I can do my own prodding from the outside for a little reassurance.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Big Sister!

So, we did tell our daughter about the baby last night. But it turns out that I was the big baby. We all got home later than usual and when my husband walked in the door at 7:30 my daughter was in the bath and dinner was no where in sight. So when I suggested he go get the video camera he told me didn't want to tell her because it was already late and she'd be too excited to sleep. I knew he was right but I didn't care, so I proceeded to pout all through dinner. It worked. So, after dinner he brought up the video camera.

I had really convinced myself that she was going to look at us and say "I told you so!" But she didn't. My husband was the one who announced that "mommy is going to have a baby". At first she just looked at us and said "what?", so he repeated it and she just leaped off the couch and started squealing and dancing around the room.

Once she calmed down a bit I told her that she was going to have a baby brother. I'd been a little worried that she'd be disappointed, but she was so excited. At one point last night after she'd calmed down a bit she did say "I really wanted a little sister, but I wanted a little brother too." She immediately asked if she could call her grandmother and tell her -- we did not tell her that she is pretty much the last person to know. ;) So she called my mom and at one point said "I'm just so excited I can't concentrate on talking!" After talking to my mom she called my in-laws and told them too. Throughout the rest of the evening and this morning she has repeatedly asked me to tell her when I feel him kick. Every now and then she'll look up and exclaim "I'm going to be a big sister!" She has also asked me a few times "are you REALLY going to have a baby?" and this morning she asked me if she could tell her teacher.

She was up late but I don't care. I've been waiting to tell her she was going to be a big sister for years now and her reaction was just priceless.

Ever since she was a baby I've called her my little Lulu Ladybug. As she was crawling into bed last night she asked if the baby would be another ladybug. I said "no, you're my little ladybug, maybe he can be our little bumblebee." She liked that. And this morning the weirdest thing happened. We've already decided on Ben for the baby's name, but we did not tell her that. While we were snuggling in bed this morning she said "I know, we can call him Ben Bumblebee!" My husband and I looked at each other and said "what made you think of Ben?" She replied "it rhymes." I did double check with the grandparents and none of them mentioned the name Ben to her!

I know this is getting long, but I want to record this as much for me as anything else, so one more story. But first a little background. Sometime between a year to 18 months ago (long before IVF cycle that produced 14 eggs or the thawing of the 3 that made it to freeze) my weight really started to creep up and it was pretty obvious that my belly was growing. My daughter would look at me and insist that I had a baby in my belly. I've always tried very hard not to talk about my weight or diets in front of my daughter, but given her insistence we had a few conversations about eating healthy foods and getting exercise and I told her I hadn't been doing those things very well and so I'd gained some weight and I wasn't happy because it was bad for my health. While I told her I was trying to lose some of the weight, I tried very hard to stay away from discussing size and focused on the health issues. She has occasionally since then commented on the obvious fact that I hadn't lost any weight. So, back to last night. She was getting ready for bed and finally said what I'd been expecting all along "I knew you were pregnant". She proceeded to tell me that the baby must be the reason I hadn't lost any weight (I wish!) and that while I hadn't known because the baby had been so small and I hadn't been to the doctor yet, she knew it because I hadn't lost any weight.

Just because... here's a recent picture of the big sister on the night she lost her first tooth.

In other news. The Bumblebee has been making his presence known more and more. Truly sometime between last Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning my stomach just sort of exploded. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it just seemed so sudden. Saturday I was still feeling pretty camouflaged in my sweaters, but by the time I was getting dressed for Sunday's Tootpu Cookie Exchange not a sweater in my closet was hiding my growing belly. I've also been feeling the little bug kicking on a regular basis. Still pretty mild little pokes, but no doubt about what they are!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Another hurdle cleared!

So, I just off the phone with the doctor's office and my AFP came back negative. Yeah! Looks like we'll be pulling out the video camera and telling our daughter very soon. Next stop on this crazy train ride is the anatomy scan on Jan 6th. I'm so glad the holidays are between now and then, as it'll help make the time pass more quickly.

I'll post more interesting stuff soon, but now I'm off to lunch!

Show and Tell

Here's my submission for this week's Show and Tell.

Somebody got mad yesterday. While I was out having a great time at the TOOTPU cookie exchange, my husband was on kid duty. Apparently things didn't go so well at the grocery store and she was mad when they got home. This is the sign she made for her door. Absolutely cracked me up when I saw it! I love the hands on hips. I recommend clicking on the photo to get the up close view so you can really see the faces -- the small version doesn't do it justice.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Tagged, again.

Elana at Elana's Musings tagged me.
I think I've done this one before, but I thought it might be fun to do it without looking at the old answers and see whether I repeat any.

The rules are:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

So here goes...

1) I often drink hot water - no tea bag, no lemon, just plain old hot water. (My dad thinks it's gross. )

2) At the ripe old age of 39, I'm still oddly influenced by my big sister. I seek her advice on all sorts of matters (mostly shopping and decorating) and even though she's sometimes not very nice about her opinions I find it VERY hard not to take her advice. In fact, she picked the the paint colors that we used in our bedroom, our daughter's bedroom, the nursery, and our kitchen.

3) I hate the taste of coffee, but I love the smell and I love coffee flavored ice cream.

4) I love Malted Milk Balls and Milk Duds.

5) I make my chocolate chip cookies with milk chocolate chips, I much prefer it to semisweet chocolate.

6) I like To.m's of Ma.ine Fluoride Wint.ermint ToothPASTE (not gel!). Other flavors make my mouth burn. Since my local grocery stores don't carry it when I find a place that has it I buy about 6 at a time.

7) Though I don't eat much fast food, I do occassionally indulge in a M.cDon.alds sausage, egg & cheese biscuit - YUM!

And now. I pass the Weird Facts Meme baton to ...

1) momofonefornow at Stop the Train, I Wanna Get Off...
2)Penny at Incompl_te
3)Waiting Amy at Waiting For...
4)Sunny at My Journey Towards My Little Miracle
5)Mo at Life and Love in the Petri Dish
6)Jendeis at Sell Crazy Someplace Else
7)Shelli at BagMomma

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


Busy busy busy today, so this will be quick.

Today I'm 16 weeks and 3 days.

Had an uneventful but pleasant appointment (the best kind!) -- met the third of four doctors in the practice and both my husband and I really like her -- what a relief!

And, drum roll please,

It's a BOY!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Telling Our Daughter (for inquiring minds)

A few folks have asked if we've told our daughter yet. We haven't. I'm just too paranoid. I was originally hoping to hold out for as long as possible, but my husband and I agreed that we'll tell her sometime after our next appointment (assuming everything is ok). Right now we're thinking we'll try to hold out until Christmas. Not specifically on Christmas -- I don't want her thinking this is some kind of gift for her -- but sometime during our holiday break. We do plan to pull out the video camera to try and capture her reaction. Knowing my daughter, she'll probably just say "I told you so", which she has, many times!

A Long-lasting Bitter Pill

Infertility that is. It's the shitty gift that keeps on giving. A very good friend told me yesterday that she is pregnant with her third child "sort of by accident". This after getting pregnant with her first two on the first try each. I am happy for my friend. I didn't cry after we talked this time like I did when she told me about her second pregnancy just months after the miscarriage I had following IVF #1. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about how unfair it feels that it's so damn easy for some people and so damn hard for others. I realize that as happy as I am to be pregnant right now, I'm still have a lot of bitterness, jealousy, resentfulness, and plain old sadness about what we've been through in the past 3 1/2 years, about what's been lost and can never be regained. And I hate that. I hate that I can't JUST be happy for this friend and other friends without all the other crap emotions swirling around in my head too. I hate that I'm jealous of my infertile sisters who are having twins* ('cause even though my doctor told me it would not be good, I really hoped it would happen). I hate that the idea of my ever giving birth to a third child is laughable. I hate that other people's happy news makes me sad and then I feel guilty for feeling all the crap emotions and that makes me feel like a really lousy friend, especially to people who have been really supportive over the years.

Ugh, I just feel like such an asshole.

* But I am happy for them, especially this lady -- no one deserves such good news more!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Sleeping Beauty and Other Miscellaneous Ramblings

No, this post is not about one of my daughters fairytale books. Rather, I was thinking I wish I could be a little like Sleeping Beauty. While the beauty part would be nice, it's the sleeping part that I crave. And no, it's not about my ability to sleep at night. It's that I wish I could take some sort of potion and wake up in May just in time to give birth. This weekend we spilled the beans on the pregnancy to the rest of our family and I've told a few more friends. Everytime I told someone that I was about 15 weeks, they'd say something like "wow, you're already in the second trimester!" But to me it feels like nowhere. I feel like I'm holding my breath and time is just barely moving along.

I'm not a terribly patient person to begin with, when I want something I want it NOW. But the thing about pregnancy after infertility and miscarriages (and I can only imagine how much worse it would be for someone who has suffered through a stillbirth or later term losses) is that it feels interminable. I confess I was also impatient during my pregnancy with my daughter, but at the same time I enjoyed it. It was like a long but pleasant walk. But this pregnancy feels more like a marathon - with lots of hurdles thrown in.

My next OB appointment is in a week. I can't wait. I've sort of told myself that once I get through the next appointment I'll start telling the next group of friends.


In other news, Thanksgiving was a bit of a bust. My sister-in-law decided to behave like a petulant 16 year old instead of a 40 year old mother of three, thus ruining the long weekend for everyone else. Unfortunately it's not the first time she's behaved this way. Though, it may be the last time she ruins our holiday as, at the very least, my husband and I agreed we won't ever stay in the same house with her for more than 2 days. Personally, I'm leaning toward sleeping at my parents' house (they live 15 minutes away) and just making short appearances during the day.

In happier news, I did get to sneak away from the in-laws on Friday and spent several hours shopping with my mom. We met my dad for a nice Thai lunch, and I got most of my Christmas shopping out of the way. My mom also let me pick out an awesome Christmas present for myself!

Lastly, I'm happy at the moment because - since my mom is having her kitchen remodeled starting today and thus got all of her Christmas baking done early - I'm enjoying some yummy homemade poppy seed bread.