Thursday, December 4, 2008

A Long-lasting Bitter Pill

Infertility that is. It's the shitty gift that keeps on giving. A very good friend told me yesterday that she is pregnant with her third child "sort of by accident". This after getting pregnant with her first two on the first try each. I am happy for my friend. I didn't cry after we talked this time like I did when she told me about her second pregnancy just months after the miscarriage I had following IVF #1. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about how unfair it feels that it's so damn easy for some people and so damn hard for others. I realize that as happy as I am to be pregnant right now, I'm still have a lot of bitterness, jealousy, resentfulness, and plain old sadness about what we've been through in the past 3 1/2 years, about what's been lost and can never be regained. And I hate that. I hate that I can't JUST be happy for this friend and other friends without all the other crap emotions swirling around in my head too. I hate that I'm jealous of my infertile sisters who are having twins* ('cause even though my doctor told me it would not be good, I really hoped it would happen). I hate that the idea of my ever giving birth to a third child is laughable. I hate that other people's happy news makes me sad and then I feel guilty for feeling all the crap emotions and that makes me feel like a really lousy friend, especially to people who have been really supportive over the years.

Ugh, I just feel like such an asshole.

* But I am happy for them, especially this lady -- no one deserves such good news more!


LJ said...

Yeah, I still get such jealousy, even though I know that we're on our way. I hate that.

Jendeis said...

I'm right there with you. I hate what IF does to me sometimes.

(If it helps, I don't think you're an a-hole.) :)

Penny said...

Nah. You're just scarred for life, like the rest of us :)

I find myself especially jealous of those having twins. I had really wished that as well, even though risks and stuff, yadda yadda.

Sunny said...

Really big hugs. I totally get it! I got news one of my friends is pregnant, a little ahead of me. It stung. SO STUPID! I wish it was different.

You are too precious!

notdancingqueen said...

You know that the very last person to think you are an a-hole is our newly prego friend... cut yourself some slack,'ve been through hell and back for many years. As is our occupational hazard, you are your own worst critic. That you manage to get out of bed some days is an inspiration.