Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year

I know I've been a bad blogger lately, but December was crazy even before the holidays arrived. I'm actually looking forward to getting back to our normal work/school schedule. I thought I'd better post some photos of my Christmas cookies before we enter 2008. Taa Daa!


















And here's the chip off the old block and her cookies.



Obviously, I helped a little, but the color scheme was all her idea and she did all the decorating.




We had a nice Christmas with my husbands family, and I'm looking forward to spending New Year's Eve with some very good friends. But all in all, I'm glad to be leaving 2007 behind. In many ways it was a pretty crappy year, and my husband and I are still not fully recovered from everything we've been through. But I'm trying to be hopeful and I'm looking forward to 2008 being a better year for us. I'll hopefully find out what, if anything, my new insurance company will do for us soon. I just bought airline tickets for us to go spend a week in Florida in February while my parents are down there. And on this last day of 2007, I just got my period, so at least in some ways my body is back on schedule and I hope to get the testing done in early Feb, so we get move forward on the medical front. Also, we started playing phone tag with the social worker just before leaving town for Xmas, so we should be scheduling our home study interviews and visits soon!

I hope that anyone reading this had a good December -- whatever holiday(s) you may have celebrated.

Happy New Year! Here's hoping we all have a great 2008.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Where's My Game Face? (child mentioned)

Well, I confess I am in full Christmas prep mode. Most of the gifts are purchased and I spent the better part of the last two evenings decorating Christmas cookies. This effort greatly annoyed my husband. I started the process last Friday night and worked on the cookies on and off through last night. In addition to taking A LOT of time, the whole project pretty much wrecks the kitchen while I'm doing it. But I really love doing it and this past few days it proved to be a really good distraction to everything that's been stressing me out. I'm pretty proud of my cookies and I make people praise them before they're allowed to eat them! I'll try to take some photos and post them soon. In addition, I'm prepping for a mini-Christmas party this Saturday. We invited 5 of my daughters best friends from her old childcare center over for lunch and a few hours of playtime. I got a little carried away and actually bought stuff to make holiday gift bags for each girl and I got Christmasy plates, cups, etc. We've also been listening to lots of Christmas music and I'm looking forward to the holiday in general. However, one thing is really getting to me, even though I do have a child (which definitely helps inspire me to be "into" the holidays) and will probably send some cheesy photocard (if I ever get around to it) of her, all the cards we've gotten so far are from families with three kids. All these photos of families with a bunch of kids just kills me. The other day one came in an envelope with one of those personalized return labels with little cartoon-like characters representing each member of the family. I did keep the card, but tore the envelope to shreds.

Which gets me to my point, despite the holiday related cheer--which really appears when I'm alone in the kitchen or with my daughter--my mood is still pretty blah. I can't seem to muster up the energy to put on a game face. It really hit home yesterday when I was meeting with my boss about my performance at work and my potential for promotion. I tried to psych myself into at least seeming cheerful and enthusiastic about work, but I just couldn't do it. She said nice things and nothing bad, yet I'm sure I came across as being very unappreciative and a sourpuss. I suspect my potential for promotion just moved south! I just can't fake it at all these days. And since even I am getting sick of my depressing mood and hearing myself complain about just about everything, I can only imagine what the people who have to spend time with me are thinking.

On the bright side -- yes even I recognize that there is one -- I've been to the gym 4 days so far this week and am doing pretty well with the we.ight wat.chers. I suspect that if I can manage to shed a few more pounds and not have to struggle quite so hard to find clothes in my closet that fit, then my mood may lift a little. I even managed to NOT eat any of the fudge that a coworker brought to me the other day. And since she makes it every year I know how yummy it is. I'm also actually really looking forward to having almost a week away from work over Christmas and then hosting friends for dinner on the 29th and spending New Year's with really good friends.

Lastly, we got a big envelope in the mail from the home study agency yesterday, but we didn't open it yet. It's exciting, but I'm getting nervous about that!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

Dory's song from Finding Nemo describes pretty well how I've been lately. I'm just trying to get through each day and keep moving. It's not that I can't function and I'm not sobbing all the time, but I'm just feeling down. The littlest things make me tear up and part of me would love to just sit on the couch and watch bad television for about a week. There are bright spots however. One was the wonderful DC Bloggers cookie exchange party, hosted by the even more wonderful Leah. I won't go into too much detail since Leah described it so well here, but I will say that it was relaxing and fun, and I actually laughed! Oh, and I ate waaaaaaay too many cookies, but they were ALL so delicious I couldn't stop. I've even added some of the recipes to my Christmas baking list. And thanks to the lovely Sunny who gave me a ride and made me laugh the hardest.

So, I am trying to "just keep swimming" and not let myself get stuck in a funk. I mean really that's how I ended up gaining 20 lbs in the last nine months and I know that's only added to my bad mood. So I started weight wat.chers (again) on Monday and I've actually been to the gym 3 times this week. I am attending my office holiday party today and I'm pretty sure that I will actually enjoy myself. And I'll keep it up until eventually it doesn't feel like such an effort.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Frustration

I'm really getting tired of adding to my infertility story. I truly truly never thought we would be where we are right now. I suppose no one ever does, but looking back I can hardly believe how optimistic and unphased I was when we began seeing the first RE. I mean the year of trying prior to that had been hard, but then I felt like we'd found the problem, it wasn't actually all that awful and there was a way around it (IVF). Here I sit 2 1/2 years since we started trying for a second child. 4 IVF cycles, one surprise pregnancy, 2 miscarriages, and 1 chemical pregnancy under my belt and I'm starting to lose hope. I actually looked at myself in the mirror the other day and thought I myself "you may never have another successful pregnancy." Before now I've never really believed that. I'm not sure that even now I REALLY do, but that reality is starting to creep in. My brain tells me I should believe it, my brain tells me not to hold onto hope anymore. Hell, my BANK account tells me that I may not be able to afford additional attempts at this. Yet deep down I really haven't given up hope. I'm trying to figure out how we can afford at least one more cycle. I know I'm not ready to stop trying yet. But I just turned 38 and in another 2 1/2 years I'll be over 40. I'm frustrated and bitter and tired and also tired of feeling that way, tired of hearing myself complain about EVERYTHING these days, but I can't seem to find a way out of this right now. Maybe once the cramps and the bleeding finally stop and I actually physically feel better my head will follow suit. And now I'm off to investigate new insurance plans -- wish me luck.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

CRAMPS SUCK!!!!

Thank goodness, or the deity of your choice, for Ad.vil!

Curse of the Surprise Pregnancy…

But first, a little update for inquiring minds. The short story is that I was scheduled for a D&C yesterday, but surprise, surprise, on Sunday, in the car on the way home from our Thanksgiving weekend, I was hit with horrendous cramps and by the time we got home I was bleeeeeeding. Not spotting, not brown smudges, but real bleeding. The doctor wasn’t ready to cancel, so I went in for a scan and blood test yesterday morning. I have to go back for another scan and test on Friday, to make sure things are progressing enough, but he doesn’t expect that I’ll need a D&C. And sure enough, my blood test revealed that my hcg dropped to about 1500, so that was good news. Now I just hope my boobs will clue in to what’s going on. They don’t hurt anymore, but they are still, shall we say, a bit bigger than usual.

Now onto our regularly scheduled program. Oh the irony. Everyone IRL, including my doctor, who knows what we’re dealing with seems to think it’s great that we managed to get pregnant. And I suppose it is. (I know there may be people reading this thinking “BITCH, she should be grateful she can at least GET pregnant!” But wait, let me ‘splain. As some of you may recall, just prior to finding out that I was pregnant we’d met with the doctor. He wanted to do one more blood test and schedule a hysterscopy. I was due to get my period so I would have been able to get all the additional tests done in early November, switch my health insurance in hopes of getting some additional IVF coverage, and have a break over the holidays. We expected to be resuming treatment (as in starting a new IVF) early in the new year. But now here we are at the end of November. I’ll be due to get my period just days before Christmas – when we won’t be here! Which means that I’ll have to postpone all the tests until January (at the earliest). Plus, it’s quite likely that I’ll be traveling for work in January (which I don’t normally do too much), meaning that I might have to wait even longer just to get the testing done, much less start a new cycle! But the real kicker – since we did manage to get pregnant on our own it is now highly unlikely that ANY insurance company will cover us for IVF. And let me just say, we can’t afford to keep doing this on our own. If we max out on our home equity line of credit we can probably swing one more IVF, but that’ll be it. I know at some point we’d need to draw the line anyway if IVF keeps failing or I have more miscarriages, but I HATE that we’ll be forced to make the decision based solely on finances. I know, I know, (a bitch again!) I know we’re so lucky to have the coverage we do have and to have had 50% coverage of three of our IVFs, and I know that many, many people would kill for that. But still I’m pissed.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Distraction

My lovely friend at http://notdancingqueen.wordpress.com/2007/11/17/the-abc-meme/tagged me for this ABC meme. I'm only a week late in doing it, but since my posts have been such a downer lately, I thought this would be a good distraction. Though I know I'll be wondering why I'm doing it very soon. I mean really -- 26 ways of describing myself and I have to be positive! (see rules below)

Rules are: list a word that describes you for every letter of the alphabet. offer as much or as little explanation as you wish. please keep the words positive (for example, don’t use “fat” for F or “lame” for L), and feel free to get creative. tag as many or as few people as you wish. Link back to your tagger and forward to your taggees.

A - Advice. As in, I suck at taking it, but I'm GREAT at giving it out. Hopefully not assvice though. ;)
B - Baking. love it and am happy for any excuse to make cookies, cupcakes, cakes, you name it.
C - Cautious.
D - Depressed. OK, so this one isn't so "positive", but honestly, this IS how I feel.
E - Eye roller. I REALLY can't control the impulse.
F - Friend. Yes, despite that fact that I can be a judgemental bitch (see below), I can also be quite friendly and a damn good friend, if I do say so myself.
G - Grumpy
I - Introverted.
J - Judgemental.
K - Kind. (Despite the other stuff on the list, I really can be.)
L - Lovable. (Alright, stop laughing already.)
M - Mama or Mimi (my daughter's pet name for me). 'Cause really that's my most important role ever. [But I have to list the close second for M - Messy. Really, you should see my desk -- oh, that's right you can't actually see any of the desk b/c it's COVERED with paper.]
N - Nosy. I admit it, and I know it's wrong, but I do love to hear good gossip.
O - Opinionated.
P - Passive. Not proud of it, but I really don't like conflict.
Q - Quibbling. (Did I mention I can be argumentative? I get THAT from my dad.)
R - Rambling. Let's just say I can lose track of my own stories.
S - Shopper, or spender.
T - Ticklish. VERY ticklish.
U - Untidy. See M above :)
V - Verbose. Just ask my co-workers!
W - Wahoo.
X - Xanthippe. I had to look it up, so you do too.
Y - Youthful. At least people tell me I look younger than my age. And I've been known to be a little childish at times.
Z - Zingy. ... come on, it's Z for goodness sake, and it IS in the dictionary.

Oops, almost forgot to tag some folks. So, LJ, Leah, DMarie, Meg, and Meghan ya'll are it.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Draggin' On...

Well it looks like my intuition was right all along. I still haven't started bleeding so they are trying to get me into the schedule for a D&C next Monday or Tuesday. They actually got me on the schedule for tomorrow afternoon, but since we're scheduled to leave town tomorrow morning I asked if we could wait. It's not that I want this to drag out, in fact I'd really like it to be over, but in addition to everything else I don't want it to fuck up our holiday plans. Fortunately, the doctor was ok with my waiting until next week. They took more blood this morning and I won't know for a few hours what the numbers have done, but considering my boobs are still pretty sore I doubt there will be much to cheer about. Funny really, 2 weeks ago, when I was ecstatic and things seemed so promising, I was running to the bathroom every 5 minutes and thinking to myself "yeah, nothing there!" Now it's more like, "damn, nothing there." Funny how your perspective on something can change so dramatically in such a short time! And I do have more to say on that matter, but now I'm off for some therapeutic baking.

Friday, November 16, 2007

The Middle of the End ???

Ok, so I have a feeling this is going to drag on a bit. UGH. I just wish it could be really over so I can move on. Until this morning I was sort of ok -- or at least numb enough that, while not cheerful, I wasn't feeling like I would cry at any minute. But then I had the scan this morning. I had to wait in a room, sitting on my bare ass no less, listening to a happy couple in the room next to me seeing their baby on an ultrasound. I literally laid there with my fingers in my ears humming so to block out the noise. Of course, nothing's happened since last time -- though the doctor didn't seem too concerned about it at this point--which was not a surprise because I've only spotted a tiny bit. Anyway, while I'd been feeling at least stable beforehand, I felt as though I'd been kicked in the stomach again and I've been completely off kilter ever since. Instead of coming right home to work, as planned, I make a stop at Michael's to buy some crafts for my daughter's holiday group playdate in a couple of weeks and to stock up on some cookie decorating supplies. Unfortunately it didn't cheer me up as I'd hoped it might.

I wrote the above this afternoon but had trouble with my connection, so now a late breaking update.

Looks like when it comes to bad news my intuition is right on. When I got home from errands this evening there were 2 messages on my machine one from the nurse and one from my doctor, who was not actually there this morning. Both were sufficiently sympathic, so sorry... call if you bleed too heavily... call if you have questions, blah blah. Here's the kicker, my hcg number actually went up a bit. So it explains why my symptoms haven't disappeared yet. It also explains why the doctor called, he wants to talk about our "options" on Monday. Hmmm? Pretty sure I see a D&C in my future. Not exactly excited, but then again I'm ready for this to be over and if that's how I can get this latest nightmare to end, well I guess I can stand some heavy duty painkillers (they always make me a little giddy), renting some girly movies and spending an afternoon on the couch. Perhaps some forced relaxation might actually be a good thing right now.

And on the bright side, I don't have to be back at work for NINE whole days!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Good and the Bad

Wow. I'm really overwhelmed by all the support from the blogosphere, thanks so much. I haven't had the energy to comment back, but please know that I really appreciate the support and I will start reading and commenting again soon.

I don't really feel like there's a good side to this, but I'm trying my hardest to keep my spirits up a bit and my sense of humor. So, first the status report and then my good/bad lists. After the scan on Tuesday, they drew blood -- want to make sure my hcg #s are going down. The nurse called yesterday to tell me that the number was 4462 -- so not much of a drop. I had a tiny bit of brown smears again yesterday morning, but that's been it. So I'll start with the bad.

#1. I'm thinking my odds of having to have another D&C are high, given the lack of any bleeding.

#2. My boobs are still sore and I still have a bit of indigestion, totally unfair to have symptoms at this point.

#3. Now I REALLY need to seriously start a diet and lose some weight. (I suppose that shouldn't be such a bad thing, but then again if that was my attitude about such things I probably wouldn't be 25 lbs overweight in the first place.) Guess I'll redouble my efforts for DMarie's 30-day-get-healthy-challenge (the http://labellavida.blogspot.com/2007/11/30-day-get-healthy-challenge.html).

#4. Realizing that my mom (who I love and get along with quite well) is just not capable of giving me the kind of emotional support I need right now.

#5. Feeling both guilty and angry that my husband and I can't seem to help each other emotionally. We're each having such a hard time and we need such different things to cope with this that it's been really hard. We've been snapping at eachother alot the past few days.

#6. Worrying about the prospect that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law (who are nice, but really annoy me) could easily be announcing a pregnancy any day now and having to actually spend time with them over both upcoming holidays. And then feeling really really guilty about that because they did have a miscarriage last summer and I wouldn't wish this brand of heartache on anyone. But honestly I just can't deal with that. If it were someone I really liked I know I could deal with it. In fact, I enthusiastically accepted an invitation for a workplace baby shower this morning. While I know it will probably be difficult, I know I can handle it because I really like this woman. My BIL & SIL though -- UGH, even if they aren't pregnant I'm not really looking forward to spending time with them.

So, in my effort to keep some perspective things, here is the good stuff, the stuff I'm grateful for.

#1. Red wine and pumpkin ale -- need I say more. (I can't recall who coined the phrase "infertility induced alcoholism" -- I think it was either LJ at http://jausshaus.blogspot.com/ or Sunny http://gracehopeandfaith.blogspot.com/ -- but it's sooooo true.)

#2. I'm taking ALL of next week off from work. I'm really looking forward to having some real alone time for a couple of days before heading out of town for the holiday. I NEVER have time to myself -- except for at the grocery store! Keep your fingers crossed that I don't have to spend one of those rare and precious days in the hospital.

#3. Cookie baking! During that time off I plan to use the new Christmas cookie cutters I just ordered from Wms Sonoma make some fabulous cookies.

#4. The husband remains in charge of all things adoption related and is now moving forward with renewed motivation. I'm not up for dealing with all that right now, but I'm really glad it's moving forward.

And last, but most certainly not least

#5. My friends, both IRL and via the internet. It's not that I wasn't already grateful for my friends, but going through this has really reminded me how fortunate I am to have such caring people in my life. As I've gotten older the number of IRL friends whom I talk to often and tell everything to has shrunk considerably, but the ones I have are worth their weight in diamonds! So another karmic thanks to my IRL friends and a real thanks to the one who found this site. Thanks Jacks, I'm glad you discovered my little secret! ;) And my new internet friends -- well what can I say, though I've only met a few of you in person and only once, but you've made the last 5 months immeasurably more bearable.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Beginning of the End

Thanks again everyone for all the comments and support.

I'm not really sure what to say right now other than today's appointment did not go well. Things are not measuring as they should be so I was instructed to stop all my meds and come back on Friday to make sure things progress as they should. Given my history and the fact that my body doesn't seem to function properly AT ALL when it comes to this stuff, I wouldn't be surprised if I end up needing a another D&C to deal with this. I sort of flip flop between feeling like I won't ever stop crying and feeling really numb. Exactly two weeks ago tonight I took those tests that came out positive. I feel like I've been clinging to a yo-yo ever since. Ironically, before those tests I was feeling pretty good. Now, having come soooo close to getting what I want, I feel worse than ever.

Purgatory

First, thanks so much to everyone who's come here and left comments. I can't say how much it means to me to have the support. I'm sorry I haven't responded to everyone's comments or even posted lately, but in addition to being out of town for the weekend, I've just been overwhelmed. And really I don't know what to say, I'm not even sure I know how to describe what I'm feeling. Much of the time I feel like I'm in purgatory. I'm miserable now, but there will be an end to it (one way or another). Other times I feel more like I'm in a tailspin -- completely out of control of things, I know it's going to end badly, I just don't know when.

But let me back up and fill you all in on what's happened since last Wednesday. Well, on Thursday my nurse (who'd had to leave early on Wed) called me to check in and see what had happened. I explained about the followup phone calls the day before, my panic, and that I'd be coming in on Friday. She reassured me that once numbers get over about 5000 they don't rise at the same rate and that since they don't usually run blood tests that late, they really don't know what it should do. She basically told me that the doctor was being very cautious, but she continued to sound very optimistic. So, my mood improved slightly (though I was still very anxious). So Friday morning my husband drives me to the doctor's office. I go in by myself since husband is sitting outside with my daughter, because the earliest they could see me was 10:15 and I was due to get on a bus for NY with my daughter at Noon and the only chance we had of getting there on time was to bring her with us. So, I go in by myself. The scan showed a gestational sac and yolk sac --about all they would expect to see at this point. The doctor confirmed what I'd suspected -- he wanted to rule out an ectopic. In addition, he confirmed my belief that he was very worried because of the result of the 3rd beta and it was clear by the end of our conversation that he doesn't think this pregnancy will last. First he said something along the lines of "well, I do believe in miracles." !!!! Wow, I thought, I had no idea the numbers looked so bad that I needed a miracle! A far cry from the 2 nurses who told me things looked great. He also instructed me on what to do if I started bleeding ("call and stop the Lovenox"), and told me to call my regular OB and tell her I'm pregnant, because if I need a D&C it would be easier to have her do it since she's closer to me. Finally, after initially saying I need to come in again in a week, he changes his mind and tells me to come back on Tuesday (today). Just no optimism there at all.

So, I head off to NY feeling pretty low, but that bitch Hope keeps creeping in. Frankly, I don't want her around, because everytime I get hopeful something happens and instead of getting easier to take it seems to hit harder everytime. Anyway, nothing happened in NY--meaning I didn't start bleeding. By the time we got home late Sunday I was feeling ok. But yesterday was a bad day. I think being back home and knowing I'd be getting another scan in day just put me in a tailspin from the get go. But I had a good cry and then decided to go to the mall and do a little therapy shopping. I was feeling alright until I went to the bathroom at Barnes & No.ble and there was a tiny spot of pink on the toilet paper. So I hightailed it out of the mall and called my nurse from the car. I explained that the "spotting" was barely noticeable, but that the doctor had me a LOT paranoid about the lovenox, so I wasn't sure how much was enough to warrant stopping the injections. Then I waited, and went to the grocery store, and went home, and waited some more -- and the whole time I did not let my cell phone out of my hand b/c I was NOT going to miss that call. So she finally calls back and is, as ever, optimistic. She reminds me that spotting is completely normal during pregnancy and that unless I really start bleeding I don't need to worry about the lovenox and says I should try not to worry. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Anyway, so for the rest of the day there was no more spotting. (and hope bubbles up again). So I've been a good girl and taken my Folgard, baby aspirin, prenatals, and my lovenox. So far this morning I've gone to the bathroom twice (which is actually not much because I've been so paranoid for the past week that I've been popping into restrooms as often as possible!) and both times had brown smudges. Which almost makes me cry, but dammit I can't seem to get rid of the little bit of hope that the nurse is right. And that scares me, because if the part of my brain that keeps telling me "this will not end well" is right and I find out later today, or god forbid today's scan is inconclusive and I have to go back in a few days, at the doctor's office I KNOW the fall is going to be even harder to take. So that's my story. My appointment is at 1:00 today, and I'm pretty much sick to my stomach already -- should be a great 6 hours until then. ;)

Thanks again for all the support, I REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate every comment. And now I'm off to the bathroom for another TP check.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

The Joke's On Me (or Hope, Short-lived)

So much for good Karma. Got the message on my voicemail from my nurse that I had "another great rise, beta was 5186, oh and please call and schedule an ultrasound for tomorrow. Congratulations again." WTF?!

First of all, 5186 is most definitely NOT a good rise from 4565 two days ago (I can fucking multiply.) And, coming in for an ultrasound at only 5 weeks. I'm no dummy, that's not normal.
So, I call her back but get a message that she's gone for the rest of the day. So I call the front desk to schedule the appointment. The woman asks why I'm coming in tomorrow. I tell her the nurse told me to. She gets a nurse and my chart and they discuss say it looks fine, they don't know why I should have to come in tomorrow. So, she says she'll have to talk to the Dr. and call me back. She calls a few minutes later to report that the doctor is out tomorrow so can I come Friday, oh and she tells me "everything's great, don't worry." Again I say to myself, WHAT THE FUCK?! "Don't worry" Are they kidding? So, once again I got to be the one to call my husband and deliver bad news. Happy Fucking Wednesday.

Incidentally, Babymed.com had this to say about my hcg rise: "The Two-Day hCG rise was 14% and is considered slower than normal." No kidding!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Gratitude and Good Karma

Today has been such an amazing day and I'm feeling so grateful to the World Wide Web right now. First of all, thanks to all of you from Blogland who stopped by with congratulations and well wishes -- I really can't express how much it means to me. All those positive vibes really do help me feel more hopeful and less fearful. Secondly, a karmic thanks to my real life friends and colleagues, who really stepped up to the plate today. I emailed about 20 people with a request to go vote for Mel in the Weblog awards. I was really surprised at the number who emailed me that they had voted and would continue to do so, and several even told me they planned to forward the link to friends of theirs. Only a handful of these friends actually know much about my efforts to have another baby and only one knows about this blog--and that's a story for another day :). Tomorrow I go in for my third blood test and I know that for about 6 hours tomorrow I'll be a nervous wreck. But right now I'm feeling really positive and I'll go to bed tonight daydreaming about the future. Thanks to you all!

Monday, November 5, 2007

Courting Hope

Well, here's the story. I'm pregnant. Today I got the results of my second beta and they came in at 4565, last Thursday's beta was 952. I'm still scared. I'm worried that it could end like others before it, laying on a table next to an ultrasound machine and finding no heartbeat. I'm worried about things that haven't ever happened before, an ectopic or suffering a later loss. The last week and a half has been a whirlwind of emotion. Renewed hope, confusion, elation, fear, relief, hope, fear, and so on.

For me the story really begins with the appointment with the RE on October 26. During that appointment he told us that I'd tested positive for the MTHFR mutation and was told to start baby aspirin and Folgard right away. I was also told that as soon as they reviewed some of my blood work I'd likely be starting Metformin. Finally, I was instructed to call on day 1 to schedule a hysteroscopy and have a few additional blood tests done. We went home feeling very happy about things. I expected to get my period at any time, so I expected to be getting confirmation for the Metformin and scheduling the hysterscopy at the same time on Monday. Well, Monday I started smudging (not really spotting, just some brown smudges), which is not an unusual way for my periods to start, but I know they don't consider that day 1, so I didn't call first thing. I called late enough that I didn't get a call back on Monday. Tuesday, I fully expected to begin bleeding heavily, but nothing, not even any smudges. When I got home that night there was a message from my nurse telling me to go ahead and fill the Metformin prescription. Instead, on a total whim, and ONLY because I had two old tests languishing and lonely in the bathroom, I peed on a stick. I almost didn't believe it when I saw two lines, so I took the other and it was positive too. My husband was probably more stunned that I was when I showed him when he got home. The RE was right about one thing -- nothing in our test results had indicated that we COULDN'T get pregnant on our own, but we sure hadn't expected it. So first thing the next morning I called my nurse. They arranged for a blood test on Thurs, and called in a prescription for Lovenox. So Thursday afternoon we got good news and that night I started the Lovenox injections. It wasn't until that night on the way home in the car that it hit me - WE had made done this, my husband and I. Just US, not me and him and a cup and a catheter and team of medical professionals. Just us and in our very own bed. And I cried and cried, because for well over a year I have truly believed that IF we ever were going to get pregnant it would be via IVF. So throughout the next four days I spent about half my time elated and daydreaming about the future and the other half terrified of all that could happen to ruin this fantasy. Today was the longest day. But the news was good and I go back on Wed for another test. In the meantime, I will continue to take my meds and I will try to be hopeful and I will try to not let the fear take over.

Please go vote for Mel -- for all of us!!!

It's easy as pie. Just click here

http://2007.weblogawards.org/polls/best-medicalhealth-issues-blog-1.php

Friday, November 2, 2007

Complaint of the Day #2

Lovenox stings like a bitch and it's fucking expensive!

(more details coming soon)

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Diagnosis and Question of the day, and unrelated Hooray of the Day

At our meeting with the new RE (have I mentioned that he's incredibly thorough and patient) last Friday, we were informed that I had tested positive with homozygous MTHFR mutation. I'm now taking Folgard twice a day and baby aspirin. The RE explained that the treating this is still controversial, but that given my history, repeated early losses AND a placental abruption during my pregnancy with my daughter, he did not want to ignore it. THIS is the thing I asked my former RE to test me for, and he refused. I know it's controversial and that it could be a red herring, but I'm still pissed!

Oops, I almost forgot my question of the day. This is all so new and I'm curious if anyone else out there who's been diagnosed has any good research or advice to share?

Hooray of the Day:
I was flipping through magazines while waiting in the RE's office this morning. How thrilled to read an article in which a celebrity came clean about using IVF. Check out the interview with Amy Brenneman from the October issue of Good Hskeeping here http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/names/celebrity/amy-brenneman-1007

Complaint of the Day

While I'm extremely happy with the new RE and quite happy with the office in general, I have to say that the women who draw blood in the lab there SUCK at it! They're nice, but horrible at drawing blood. I'll remind you that I've been through FOUR IVF cycles already, have had blood drawn for lots of other non-IVF reasons, and I used to donate blood on a regular basis, and in general it's never been a problem. Sure some are better than others (one nurse at my former RE's office was so good that I hardly felt anything), but no one has ever complained about it being difficult to get a vein or get my blood out. I just don't understand how someone who's primary job is to draw blood can be so bad at it!!! This morning the FIRST women to try was literally shoving the needle all around trying to get it in. The second women had to do the same, but luckily succeeded and I only had to get stuck twice. I rarely get bruises from blood draws or needles in general, but I've got a doozy of one growing now!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Barren Bitches Book Tour #7: Happiness Sold Separately, by Lolly Winston (Group B)

First of all, let me say that I’m sorry I’m late with this post. Secondly, I really enjoyed this book. I picked it up on a Saturday and finished it by Sunday. Years ago it would have seemed completely normal for me to read a book in a weekend, but nowadays its very unusual! Obviously, the topic was interesting to me, but I found the characters intriguing and overall I found it a great read. Here goes…

Both Elinor in this book and Amelia in Love and other Impossible Pursuits are uber-sarcastic. Come to think of it, Peggy Orenstein (Waiting for Daisy) is, too. Do you think the experience of being infertile makes one sarcastic, or do you think such high levels of sarcasm lower one's infertility? Obviously, I say this tongue-in-cheek, for the latter scenario is ridiculous. But as for the former, do you find yourself more sarcastic as a way of dealing with IF? If so, how does sarcasm help?

I laughed out loud when I read this question. I’ve always considered myself pretty sarcastic (a trait my husband doesn’t exactly enjoy), so I wouldn’t say that being infertile made me sarcastic. I would say that dealing with infertility has made me somewhat bitter and, therefore, more impatient with people and situations. So I would say that my sarcasm comes out more often. I realize that sarcasm can border on mean, even rude, but I’ve always thought of it as being on one end of the humor spectrum. So, I guess for me, sarcasm is like comic relief. And we all know that when dealing with IF any kind of relief is helpful.

At the very close of the book, having discovered her balanced translocation, Elinor likens herself to a screwed up silverware drawer. "Yet there's solace in discovering something is tangibly wrong. A diagnosis rather than you're old" Have you ever felt like this? Do you have a diagnosis for your fertility problems? Was it a relief? If your problem is unidentified, or age is against you, do you wish that you did have a reason? 5. At the very close of the book, having discovered her balanced translocation, Elinor likens herself to a screwed up silverware drawer. "Yet there's solace in discovering something is tangibly wrong. A diagnosis rather than you're old" Have you ever felt like this? Do you have a diagnosis for your fertility problems? Was it a relief? If your problem is unidentified, or age is against you, do you wish that you did have a reason?

This is an interesting question for me right now. When I was trying to get pregnant the first time, I didn’t get my period for several months, then had a miscarriage, then had odd cycles. My OBGYN was pretty relaxed and put me on Clomid and progesterone and I got and stayed pregnant. So, when we started trying again I expected we might have some trouble, but nothing that a few minor drugs couldn’t cure. Well, after a year and a half of trying and 2 different doctors, I finally got a referral to an RE and found out that my tubes were blocked up with adhesions. The RE did what he could with the adhesions and then we went straight to IVF. Well, after 4 IVF cycles and no baby or sustained pregnancy I started to wonder if something else wasn’t going on. While I had a tangible diagnosis, in my gut I knew that there was something else going on. My RE refused to do any additional testing, he was convinced my only problem had to do with my tubes. Well, here I am 6 months later with a new RE, who ran new tests and actually discovered some things that are likely contributing to our problems. I can’t begin to express how relieved I actually was to have an additional diagnosis that actually might explain what’s been going on. In general, I’m not a person who likes the unknown. I want to know what’s facing me so I can figure out a way to deal with it. I feel for anyone dealing with undiagnosed infertility, I know it would completely frustrate me.

Elinor's thought on page 47 really struck me: "When Elinor was paying attention to her career, she should have been paying attention to her biological clock. When she was paying attention to her biological clock, she should have been paying attention to her husband." It made me wonder: Am I paying attention now to the things I should be paying attention to now? Are you?

Ugh, this question brings up my one complaint about the book. I’m sure that there are many women who put childrearing on hold because of their careers or for other reasons, but I get frustrated that in so much of the public discussion on infertility women get blamed and are viewed as selfish for focusing on other things, like careers. I was bit disappointed when I started to read the book that once again, the focus was on a women who “made the mistake” of waiting too long.

As for what we pay attention to. There’s no doubt that this stuff has been hard on our marriage. Between dealing with IF and having a 3, then 4, then 5 year old daughter through all this we definitely don’t spend enough time focusing on each other as a husband and a wife. We have tried very hard not to let this affect our daughter and most of our energy and attention goes to her. Having said that, we have pulled together to deal with the IF and adoption stuff and I think in the long run our marriage will be stronger for all this, but it’s been a hard couple of years.

On pages 51-52, Elinor discusses her abortion experience. She says choices are a fairytale and that she had always been pro-choice but now realized she had no choice. Has your stance on abortion changed at all since you began suffering from infertility?

Not one bit, and I didn’t expect it to. I’ve always been strongly pro-choice (my first paying job after college was at a pro-choice advocacy organization) and I remain so today. In fact, given the lengths and manipulations we’ve gone through to get pregnant, if possible, I think I’m even more pro-choice than I was in the past. Ms. Planner said it so well that I’ll quote her “I remain steadfast that no one has the right to tell anyone what they should so with their body. The way my logic sees it, you if allow one to meddle in a women’s right to end her pregnancy, then we also have to put up with meddling in all sorts of other reproductive capacities, from donor eggs, freezing, donor sperm, surrogates, etc. And that kind of meddling, in my opinion, will lead us back to the dark ages.”

******
Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about Happiness Sold Separately? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade Tour by visiting the master list here http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2007/10/read-along-barren-bitches-book-brigade.html and here this post http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2007/10/read-along-barren-bitches-book-brigrade.html and scroll down a bit). All you need is a book and blog.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Happy Birthday to Me!

Well, it was yesterday actually. Hubby and I started the day by meeting with an estate planner (finally!) -- not exactly an uplifting way to begin a birthday. Then I went home and slept for 4 hours because I felt awful. That night I convinced my husband that we should all go to a restaurant because I wanted some good comfort food. Let's just say it didn't comfort me all that much. BUT I did get a gift certificate to a nice day spa, so once I feel better I've got something to look forward to! On a happier note, our meeting last Friday with the new RE went very well. I've got a bit of updating to do about that, but there's still some testing going on, so I'll wait and share everything at once.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Home Study Angst

Well, I got home last night and our new passports were in the mail. They arrived much faster than we'd expected given the recent news about delays in processing passports, and we didn't even pay for the expedited service. The new passports are important because we needed them in order to fill out our home study application. And that my friends, has me just a wee bit nervous. Um, no, it has me ALOT nervous. I'm mean I know there's lots of room for improvement in our parenting and housekeeping skills (certainly I could be more patient when the child fusses and whines, and certainly the house could be neater), but I also know that we're far from the worst. Still, the idea of someone asking us a thousand questions, checking out our home, generally scrutinizing our ability to parent, really scares me. I suppose it's a little like when I see the surveillance cameras or security guards in a store and, while I've never shoplifted and wouldn't consider it, for some strange reason I get nervous. But the stakes are a whole lot higher here, so my nervousness seems less amusing than my shopping paranoia.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Unbelievable

So I went in for my annual Pap yesterday (though it's actually been 2 years since my last). It started out well enough, the nurse was nice and when I asked if my results could be faxed to the RE's office, she told me that she'd had a friend who went there and ended up with twin girls. She seemed super nice and asked about my daughter and chatted about her own daughter and her grandchildren while she updated my chart. Then for some reason I don't understand she tell me that the friend, who is actually a friend of her daughter's, who had the twins via IVF went back to work after having her twins. She goes on to say, that her daughter's reaction was "I don't know anyone could parent that way" and then adds she doesn't understand how this woman could hire a nanny, especially since the twins were premature.

I was truly speechless. I had said nothing to this woman about my own work status. (I work outside of the home fulltime, by the way, AND my daughter was premature!) Frankly, I'm still dumbfounded that this woman would say this to a complete stranger, especially not knowing whether I worked or what I thought of such things. Yet, I said nothing to her, and I'm still mad at myself for not saying anything. While I admit to be a serious conflict avoider, I really was just shocked. In fact, I don't think I said another word to her. Shortly after that she left the room and I not certainly not sorry to see her leave.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Lonely

By far the primary reason that I haven't written much in the past couple of months is that I've been unbelievably busy at work. But I have to confess that I haven't really felt inspired either. In some ways a lot has been happening--adoption paperwork, tests for the new doctor, and house repairs--but in some ways I feel like nothing's happening. I realize it's the difference between doing what seems like administrative things versus actual treatment. In some ways its good, the pressure has certainly been off -- no 2 week waits, no shots, not many appointments or ultrasounds. But I also have been feeling as if I've stepped back a bit from the whole infertility world a bit. And now that I actually have the time to read a few blogs and am seeing how many people have gotten pregnant or are in the middle of a cycle I confess I feel a bit left out. And I know THIS will sound crazy, but I can't even join in the complaining about treatments or the angst over 2WWs, etc. I think I may even understand a bit the feelings those lucky ones who have found themselves pregnant express about not being sure of their place in this world. It's unfortunate that what's brought many of us together is the shared pain and frustration of infertility, but at the same time it helps create a pretty unique and powerful bond. And I get that no matter why--including the good fortune of a healthy pregnancy--to feel that bond and support system slipping away is difficult. So, I feel a bit sad that the bond seems to be slipping or weakening for me right now. I suspect that as my time frees up and I can post, read, and comment more often, I'll feel this less. In fact, just writing this post makes me feel a bit better. I guess it's a little like dating-- I just need to put myself out there more. ;)

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I think I can, I think I can....

keep up with this blog. I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since that last post. So, I guess I'll just give another update. We're still working on all the paperwork for the adoption. It's slower going than we'd like, but we are making progress. Arranging for the home study is the next thing to do -- I'll confess THAT makes me very nervous.

I went in for my day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound last week. I have to say I was again very happy and impressed with the new doctor & clinic. They may be big and run like a factory, but as far as I can tell, it's a well-run factory and the people are really nice. I also had my HSG yesterday. Not so pleasant, but at least it's over. Next up is some more blood tests and then a followup visit on the 26th.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Long Time No See

Wow, I know I've been MIA lately, but even I didn't realize how long it's been since I last posted! I'm slowly trying to catch up on all the news in the IF blogging world, but still don't have tons of free time to read or comment. Nevertheless, I thought I'd actually post something today in an effort to try and get back into the swing of things. So here's an update on what's been going on with me the past month.

First a quick update of things unrelated to the baby quest.

Work continues to be very busy and stressful. While there is an end in sight for my current project, I recently found out I have been staffed to a new project that will be very difficult for a variety of reasons. No rest for the weary!

I'm still adjusting to my new schedule: up at 5:15, arrive at work at 6; workout until 7; work until 4:15; drive home and pick up daughter. On the bright side I like the morning workouts and I've worked out more in the past 3 weeks than I have in the past 3 years. I'm hoping this will help me shed the 15 pounds I gained last year! However, I haven't exactly adjusted my bedtime yet, so getting up that early is taking a toll.

My daughter started Kindergarten a few weeks ago and yesterday was her 5th birthday! I'm still in shock a bit about both of these events. Fortunately she's quite happy at her new school and even had a very successful playdate with one of her new friends this past weekend.

And now for the update on BabyQuest 2007

Well, we're moving forward on 2 fronts and the long to do lists are making me dizzy.

We submitted our adoption application (we opted for an agency that deals solely with Chinese adoptions) and are now busy trying to schedule a home study and gathering all the required paperwork, which is no small feat. As if I haven't been poked and prodded enough in the past 2 years, I went last week for a full physical and to have my doctor fill out the gazillion page form that's required. The appointment went well and they were very accomodating, but still when I picked up the completed form the other day I noticed they didn't fill it out quite the right way (and the Chinese government is particular!), so now I need to find time to get back there. Along with all the other stuff I need to do. We really have written a long "to do" list, and while it's daunting, we actually are making progress.

I also had a very positive appointment at the Super Giant Fertility Clinic and so far I'm very pleased with everyone I've dealt with. In a nutshell, the doctor had several theories about what might be going on and we agreed to a whole lot of diagnostic tests (with repeats of some I had done a year and a half ago, including an HSG). Hooray! This is pretty much what I wanted. Someone to acknowledge that there's a problem and try to figure it out! Right now I'm justing waiting for my period so I can schedule the day 3 bloodwork and the HSG. One big challenge is getting my husband back on board. He's willing in theory, but his spirit took a beating with the previous 4 IVF failures, so he's nervous.

One surprising thing has come of all this. Husband has for years been clear about wanting only two children, for many reasons that I won't bore you all with. Now, however, he's suddenly interested in three. I think the struggle to have another child really made him realize how much he loves being a dad. After the happy appointment with the new RE, my husband told me that even if things work out on that front, he doesn't want to stop the adoption process. He's also said if it doesn't work, we should plan to adopt 2 children. I'm not at all upset by this turn of events. I always wanted a bigger family, but part of me does think I wished he'd figured it out before we were nearly 40!

Well, time to get back to the crazy world of work. I'll try not to let another month pass before the next post. :)

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Countdown Begins

Well, last Wednesday I picked up my records from my RE. On Friday I finally made person-to-person contact with the new clinic and I actually got an appointment for this coming Thursday! I know that this transition may be difficult and I may need to repeat some procedures and tests, but I'm glad to at least be getting in the door. This in-between time has been weird. Part of the reason I haven't been posting, reading, or leaving comments is that I've been really, really busy at work. But I have to admit that part of it has been being in this weird in-between place. Not only am I not in the middle of a cycle (with treatment), but I'm not approaching one or even recovering from one. Because of this, I don't feel as though I've got so much that I'm dying to say. I'm sure that will change soon!

Monday, August 13, 2007

A Snail's Pace

Well, I finally contacted the Super Giant Fertility Clinic to try and schedule an appointment with a new RE and now I'm waiting to hear back. I finally called to get copies of all my medical records from my former RE, and now I'm waiting until I can get over there to pick them up. I mailed the adoption application last week, and now we're waiting for who knows what's next. I went to Home Depot because we need a new storm door (after I put my hand through the glass a few weeks back I covered the opening with Saran Wrap so the bugs wouldn't get in. Of course, I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and I used the lavendar colored stuff. Our house looks like some serious red necks live here), and now I'm waiting for them to call and schedule a time to come measure. Tomorrow I'm going to call a contractor because we need an estimate for some work on the house. No doubt that will involve even more waiting. I should feel good about all the first steps I've taken, but it would be really nice to actually get something ACCOMPLISHED!

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

No Man's Land

OK, so I'm officially the worst blogger ever! But between being busy at work and the "between REs funk" that I'm in I haven't been able to muster up the energy to write lately. Generally I'm feeling frustrated about our situation. I feel like I'm back where I was two years ago, when I knew there was a problem, but was waiting for an appointment with my OB and then waiting for the insurance stuff to sort through before we could take action. I really feel like I'm in no man's land right now. Perhaps if I actually picked up the damn phone and made an appointment with a new doc I'd feel better, but for some reason I'm really nervous about doing it. Not sure if it's the money I'm worried about, or maybe I worried that a new doc would actually find something and wouldn't be as optimistic as my former RE has been. UGH. I think I just need to take the plunge, I know I'll feel better once we're back on the road to treatment. I guess I'll move making the appointment up to #1 on my to do list.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Solidarity

Things at work are better than last week, when I was up late working every night, but I’m still facing tight deadlines and lots of stress, so I don’t have much time to spend reading or writing blogs. Nevertheless, I wanted to post a quick note about the get together for DC area bloggers and readers. I had been looking forward to it for so long that I was surprised to realize on my way there that I was a bit nervous. I’ve always been pretty shy, so meeting with a group of people none of whom I’d met in person was bit daunting. Those feelings passed pretty quickly though. It was great evening with a fabulous bunch of women. ‘Thanks’ to LJ for setting it up. It was such a relief to be able to talk out load about all this infertility crap with a whole bunch of people who “get it”. And the really great thing is that even though what brought us all together is something rather unhappy, we laughed a lot and had a great time. Now I can’t wait for the next one!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

I’m Firing My RE

Yes, today’s meeting went as anticipated. Mr. “Talks A lot… NOT!” lived up to my expectations, so, once work slows down, I will begin the quest to find a new RE. One regret I have is that I couldn’t channel Donald Trump and end the meeting with a loud “YOU’RE FIRED!”* It would have felt good. Instead I smiled sweetly, said “thanks, I’ll be in touch.” Knowing full well that the only reason I will be in touch with the office is to request copies of my records.

It’s not that I dislike him. In fact, I really and truly hope that he’s right and there’s nothing else wrong with me than the effed up tubes. But I can’t continue to suffer failed IVFs with a doctor who refuses to consider that there just might be another problem lurking around. I mean just because there's no discernable pattern in my failures doesn't mean he couldn’t investigate the possibility of a specific problem. Instead he insists I’m a good candidate, tells me that my embryos look good and I respond well (though slowly) to the stimulation, and frequently reminds me that I HAVE had a healthy pregnancy before (albeit one that ended at 32 weeks with a premature baby). So even though the first IVF ended with a blighted ovum, during the 2nd we failed to fertilize, the 3rd was a BFN, and the 4th ended with a chemical pregnancy (and should I have to remind him about the blighted ovum before I had my daughter and that my pregnancy ended 8 weeks early?) I’m supposed to happily move on to another IVF attempt because I’m “a good candidate”. Who is he fucking kidding?! Ok, taking a deep breath now. The vent is over.

The only surprising (and almost amusing) thing about the visit was his response when I told him we were taking some time off and wouldn’t be doing ANYTHING, including any testing, for at least a few months. His response to this was something along the lines of (drum roll please) ‘well, many people find themselves pregnant when they do that… I’ve seen it happen, many times.’ Ok, he may be telling the truth, but still I couldn’t believe it. I mean my RE was practically saying “just relax, take it easy and you could get pregnant.” As if he has never seen my blocked up tubes! Or hadn’t just told me that things were so mixed up inside that he’s never gotten a good look at my uterus during the many ultrasounds I’ve had. I’m sure I’m overreacting, but HAHAHA, didn't I just get a load of assvice from, of all people, my RE!

However, despite the vent and all the exclamation points in this post, my mind is so consumed with worry about work and how I’m going to meet my upcoming deadlines that, for the most part, I really am feeling remarkably calm about this. And yet, there is a little area in deepest recesses of my brain muttering ”crap, crap, crap” and already compiling the list of things to do (1) research other clinics and REs, (2) call insurance company, (3) make an appointment, (4) get copies of medical records …..

*I feel the need to note that I’ve never actually watched an episode of The Apprentice.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Miles to go before I sleep.....

Honestly I have no idea what to say right now. Well, that's not really true. The truth is that I've got lots to say, but I'm busy with work (working late from home again this week) and I'm tired from it, so I just don't have the time or energy to write much. Nevertheless, I was feeling bad about neglecting the site, and, in all honesty, a bit worried that if I don't show my face around here every now and again folks will stop visiting! So here I am, at 2AM, tired and uninspired. One sad consequence of my busy work is that, in addition to not writing, I haven't had much time to get out into the blog world and read. I just know I'm missing all kinds of funny, insightful, and heartfelt posts. It's funny how quickly I got used to reading all the blogs and now that I haven't had time to for awhile I really miss them. On the bright side, being so busy really has taken my mind off of my infertility woes. However, I go see Dr. "Not Much To Say" on Thursday and I suspect after that visit I'll feel moved to write something.

Since I'm here I guess I'll give a quick update on the adoption front. We chucked the application from preferred agency number 1 after realizing that we'd have to sign a statement saying that we would not pursue a pregnancy while pursuing the adoption. Maybe this is normal, but I was flabbergasted. Bascially they're saying it could take 2 years or more before we can adopt a child, but we also have to put all our eggs (I know, really bad analogy) in their one basket. The husband did a little more research and found that preferred agency #2 has no such requirement (at least not that we could find on the application). Since we received the 2nd application we haven't done much. Oh, except order thousands of dollars worth of furniture!!!! I'm excited, but a bit freaked about how much we spent. But hubby is determined to get the house cleaned, organized and generally in shape prior to any possible home study and frankly, it really didn't take too much arm twisting to get me to agree to a bunch of new furniture.

Time to get back to work -- and soon bed! I'll post an update after my appointment of Thursday. I fully expect to be frustrated and full of venom!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Because I haven't had enough of doctors and needles in the last year...

Last night the hubby and I spent 2 and a half hours in the emergency room so that I could get two stiches in my hand. On our way out of the house to get some dinner I was pushing our storm door shut and somehow the glass shattered. Seriously, I still can't figure out how is happened, especially since there is a decorative metal grill(think VERY old 1950's storm door) in front of the glass. So we left my father-in-law (who arrived yesterday afternoon to stay with us because he has a meeting in the city today) behind to clean up the glass and take care of the child. Speaking of the child, she wasn't the least bit upset by the broken glass or my bloody hand, in fact she wanted to come with us to watch me get stitches, but began sobbing when she realized we wouldn't be joining them for dinner. Anyway... So the hand hurts, and I discovered that putting on a bra, putting on pants, and going to the bathroom are a bit more complicated with only one hand! Though, surprisingly, typing isn't too bad -- the range of motion is reduced, but I can still move the fingers well enough to type with two hands. All in all the emergency room experience wasn't so bad. The staff we dealt with were all very nice and a cut hand is definitely not such a big deal. Nevertheless, after the nurse looked me over and I was waiting to be seen I had quite an urge to cry and had to really fight back tears. It happened again while I was waiting to go to x-ray. Both times it came on so suddenly and I couldn't figure out why -- except perhaps that I really didn't need anything else on my plate right now!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Progress

Well, after my pity party the other night I woke up yesterday and actually got quite a bit done. I scratched many items off my 'to do' list, including making the appointment with my RE. I meet with him next week and this time I'm going alone. My husband is so fed up with the lack of information that he doesn't want to take 4 hours off of work to go spend 10 minutes with a guy who doesn't ever give us much info. At first I was annoyed, but now I'm really fine with it. We're both short on leave after a year of this stuff and whether we continue with IVF AND adoption, or just adoption, we're going to need to save up what we've got. Plus, hubby doesn't hide his emotions well, if he's annoyed at the doc it'll show and anticipating that will make me uncomfortable even before we get in the office.

Of course, life is not just hunky dory all of sudden. I still haven't made it to the gym and I feel like a beached whale. Also, I'm anticipating that after meeting with my RE I'll be quickly trying to schedule an appointment with a new clinic, AND I've got TONS of research to do on other insurance plans (as a federal employee I can switch at the beginning of the year and I'm hoping I might be able to get myself some additional coverage). And work is still insane.

I am beginning to feel, however, that the black cloud that descended with the last failed IVF is finally lifting a bit. I'm not quite so sad right now. In fact, I just found out that a colleague is pregnant and I emailed her to say congratulations. It's really amazing to me how the circumstances of every pregnancy affects how I feel. In this case, it's a woman who I really like (we worked on a team together for about a year) AND it's her first.

Gotta get back to work, but thought I'd update on my 'progress'.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Overwhelmed!!!

I know folks are going to get tired of my grumbling real soon. I'M getting tired of my grumbling! But I can't stop myself. Since my husband is also feeling pretty worn out and depressed I don't want to keep dumping my crappy emotions on him, and I don't have too many other people in "real life" that I can't talk to about this. Anyway, I'm feeling utterly overwhelmed by life right now. I'm still depressed about the last IVF, the state of our finances, and the overall uncertainty about all things IF related right now. And thanks to craziness at work, the 4th of July family get together, and generally having to be a mom to my daughter, I haven't even had a chance to crawl under the covers and cry my eyes out yet. My to do list is growing, growing, growing and I can’t seem to make any progress. I know we need a break from all the IF stuff, but at the same time I really want to talk to my RE and find out what he’s thinking. I also want to make an appointment with a new RE to get a second opinion. Yet, thanks to work, and my frustration and depression, I haven’t picked up the phone to even inquire about scheduling either appointment. I’m also realizing that I need to get the rest of my life in order. Between surgery and 4 IVFs in the last year, I haven’t done shit about the rest of my health. I’m about a year overdue for a Pap smear, and I haven’t been to the eye doctor in almost 2 years. My weight is at an all time high and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve worked out in the past 9 months. My husband is in full court press on the adoption front and just added a bunch of things to my to do list so we’ll have all the information we need for the application. Also, despite all the money we’ve spent, and anticipate spending on the adoption application and more IVF (unless they tell me something really unexpected I’m not about to give up on that front), hubby is pressing me to FINALLY order the dresser and armoire and bookshelf we’ve been wanting to buy for ages. Our house is small and crammed full of all our crap. He’s always been bothered by the clutter more than I am. I think his overall level of frustration on the baby making front is making him less tolerant of other things. So, he wants me to get the furniture so the house will be more organized AND because he’s starting to worry about a possible home study. While I’ve been dying for the new furniture myself – spending the money right now scares the hell out of me. We’ve been working so hard to pay for the medical bills and pay down our other debt, the thought of adding several thousand to the credit card or the home equity line freaks me out! So, in summary, I’m overwhelmed. My mind is spinning will all the crap I need to get done and yet I feel paralyzed and can’t seem to get anything done!

Calgon, take me away!!!

I know I just REALLY dated myself with that one. :)

Friday, July 6, 2007

Wearied

Well, I’m back from the 4th of July festivities and it wasn’t really bad at all. Will I never learn? Looking back, I know that I have a bad habit of anticipating the worst and (with the exception of the IVF failures) things are almost never as bad, or even bad at all, as I imagine they might be. Not only was there no mention of my SIL’s miscarriage, but there was even less tension amongst the family than usual. Basically, we swam, we ate, we drank (I drank a lot, but luckily not TOO much), and then we went to bed. Oh, and I washed a lot of dishes to keep myself occupied (with 14 people in one house there’s no end to the dirty dishes). Still, driving back home last night all I could think about was the fact that there is an extremely high probability that the SIL will be pregnant again soon, and will probably have another baby long before anything is resolved for us. I really don’t know how I’ll get through that! I suppose I should be grateful that we don’t see them all that often.

The other thing causing me great angst right now is trying to decide what to do concerning my RE. We haven’t met with him yet to discuss the latest failure, or next steps. In fact, I haven’t even called to schedule the meeting. Throughout the past year+, my RE has insisted that I’m a good candidate for IVF and that my only problem is my blocked tubes. Of course I hope he’s right, but after a pregnancy ended in a blighted ovum, a cycle in which no eggs & sperm fertilized, a failed ICSI cycle, and now a chemical pregnancy, I just wonder if it isn’t time to start ruling out other possible problems. I think I’m scared to meet with him, because based on what he’s said in the past I don’t think he’ll agree with me. And if he doesn’t I know that I really need to find a new RE to at least ask about a second opinion. But just the notion of picking a new doctor, waiting to get the first appointment, getting my records transferred, and doing all of it with no insurance makes me feel ill. It seems like it’ll be such a struggle and I’m already so darn tired and worn out from everything. Maybe in a couple of weeks I’ll feel better, but I know I should take care of it now – every day matters in the IF fight, right?

And even without that stuff to do, my to do list is growing by the minute. Many of the items on it are related to the fact that my daughter is starting Kindergarten in 2 months. Not only am I having a hard time dealing with the fact my baby is actually starting school soon, but I never thought I’d be sending her to Kindergarten and closing in on her 5th birthday without having produced a sibling for her!

My God, I’m so tired of being sad.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

More Ways to Feel Bad

Timing is a funny thing. Just the other day, I read this post hot-forks-sharp-knives-and-rusty-nails over at Leah's blog My Dusty Ovaries and thought to myself "wow, I know exactly how she feels." But then I got some news that very night that really revealed the sorry state of my emotional health.

But first, some background. For at least the past year, prior to every family get together with my husband's family, I've spent a ridiculous amount of time worrying about whether my husband's brother and his wife will be announcing they are pregnant with baby #2 (they have a 2 year old) and how I will handle it. No one ever told me they were trying, but I had a feeling it wouldn't be long. Once again, my husband's entire family will be together for a few days around the 4th of July. Having JUST received confirmation that IVF #4 was a failure (yesterday, only one day before the big get together), I, of course, began worrying about the possibility of hearing "happy news" from the in-laws. But last night my husband told me something that I wasn't anticipating. It turns out I was right that they are trying for #2, but it also turns out that my sister-in-law just had a miscarriage. I don't know much about the circumstances, expect that it was very early and apparently they're "doing just fine".

The thing with which I'm struggling is that I can't seem to muster even a little bit of sympathy. I'm so wrapped up in my own problems that I truly have nothing left for anyone else. My poor husband did not relish delivering this news and I didn't disappoint. All I could think about was that I could not handle having to listen to any discussion of their miscarriage and that having to deal with everyone's sympathy for my SIL would push me completely over the edge. There are 2 main reasons for my thinking about this. One, my SIL is a bit of a prima donna, and, despite the fact that she went to business school and had quite the high powered job for awhile, at the best of times my BIL and much of the family treat her like she's made of glass. Second, while they have clearly told the entire family about their miscarriage, my husband refuses to tell anyone but his parents about our struggles. Now, do I think they don't deserve everyone's sympathy, including my own? No, they do deserve it, but I can't provide it right now. In fact, one of my first thoughts when I heard was "hell, at least they can get pregnant without major medical intervention!" Nor can I sit around and listen to everyone be ultra nice and sympathetic to her, while I have to pretend that I'm fine, when I am most decidedly NOT FINE! I'm so NOT FINE that I can't even come up with any decent words to describe how absolutely f*cking horrible I feel.

My husband drove with our daughter to his parents this morning, while I worked. The plan was that I would follow after work. I spoke to my husband on my way down this evening and according to him everything is fine there. I'm pretty sure that he understood what I was asking and that was his way of saying don't worry it's not a topic of conversation. Nevertheless, I have ZERO desire to go spend time with his family. They're not a bad bunch, but frankly, I find my MIL increasingly annoying (I'm sure it has nothing to do with my own sour mood over the past year!) and his brother and SIL have always annoyed me. Oh, and my SIL's sister, who is visiting from Japan for a year and whom I don't know at all, is there too. I do not want to make small talk and I do not want to pretend that I'm fine.

Luckily, I got a temporary reprieve from it all. And, not only did my husband endorse it, but he suggested it! (Thank goodness he understands!) Instead of driving to the in-law's house, I drove to my parent's house (all of 15 minutes from my in-laws). So, tonight I'm staying at my parent's, and I got a bonus of getting to spend some time with my sister (who is also in town with her family for the holiday). Tomorrow I'll have to face the music and head over, but at least I'll have gotten an extra 12 hours of coping with the latest bad news under my belt before having to put on a fake smile and playing nice.

Am I proud of how I feel? No. But, I will not beat myself up over it, because I already have enough reasons to feel lousy.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Back to the Beginning

Well, the numbers went down. I have to confess, as much as I kept telling myself to expect the worst, I was really hoping for the best. Despite my best efforts to be pessimistic, so that I wouldn't be devastated -- I'm devastated.

I can't even begin to think about what we do next. I'll post more soon, but I don't even know what else to say now.

Addendum:

And to add insult to injury -- since this potential pregnancy was the result of IVF, and, since my insurance coverage ran out after the last IVF, I got a bill for $430 for last week's and today's blood tests. ARGH!!!! Since I'm at work and I can't go get a beer, I'm going get myself the biggest bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper that I can find. And tonight I'm going to get on my elliptical machine and stay on until my legs won't go anymore. I'm depressed and tired, I don't know what to do and I can't concentrate on work, but one thing I do know -- if I'm not pregnant I sure as shit don't want to look it. Time to drop (again) the 10 pounds I picked up in the past month.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Tripped Over the First Hurdle

Well, I made it over -- the test was positive-- but, I tripped on the way -- it was a "low positive". So I get to keep getting the progesterone needle stabbed in my ass for the next 4 mornings and then I go back on Monday for another test. When the nurse delivered this less than desirable news my response was "well, that's not good." Her response was "it's not good or bad". But anything less than an unequivocal "BFP, see you in a week" is not good news to me. Of course, as usual, they didn't give me a number. Part of me is dying to know and part of me is glad I don't. Really it probably doesn't matter -- I'm going to obsess and worry about this for the next four days anyway.

addendum:

And the thing that really gets me. The f*cking uncertainty. I mean the uncertainty of the 2WW sucks, but this is a real Mother F*cker. If it's not going to work, then I just want to know, have a beer, a really long cry and move on. CRAP -- now I'm sad and pissed off and it's not a good combination. And, what a lovely birthday present for my husband huh? A big fat "maybe, but probably not" AND a miserable wife.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Hormones, Hormones

Well, whether they're pregnancy or pre-period hormones, they're raging. For my sanity, I decided that I would actually take a break from work while I eat lunch. So I read some news online. The first story should have made me angry (and it did), the second should have made me happy (and it did), but, surprisingly, both made me cry! I suppose the added stress of work and the last day of my 2WW is not helping matters. I guess I'll stay away from the news for awhile.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

A Busy, Nervous Wreck!

Only 2 days to go until 'THE TEST'. Still no symptoms and I'm a nervous wreck.

In other news... Work is still stressing me out. Things here have gone from bad to worse and the next 4 weeks are going to suck no matter what I find out on Thurs. In fact, things are so bad that I don't have time to write much now, nor do I have time to write back to any of the lovely folks who've commented here lately, or post on any other blogs. I apologize and please know that I TRULY appreciate all the kind words that have been left here for me and as soon as time permits I'll be returning the favors in spades!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Tick Tock

My pregnancy test is in one week. Thanks to the tempest at work, I haven't been dwelling on it quite as much as with my past cycles. Thankfully, this weekend will be busy too. Friday afternoon is my daughter's graduation from daycare (yes they actually have little caps and gowns for them!). Saturday we're attending a birthday party and after that dinner with some good friends. That means Sunday will be full of errands and cleaning. But I'm fully aware that as Thursday approaches I'm going to turn into a nervous, emotional wreck. I really don't know what I'll do if I get a BFN again. And just thinking that we might get such news on my husband's birthday breaks my heart.

Here's the odd thing. Lately it seems as though a number of bloggers have posted about having lost hope. As I read those posts, I thought how sad that seemed and until the last couple of days I wouldn't have described myself as having lost hope. But I've just realized that, in fact, I don't feel very hopeful about this cycle. Yet, at the same time, I know I'll be devastated if this doesn't work. Which, I suppose, means that somewhere deep down there must be some hope left, but I'm sure not feeling it right now.

Who but an IF would be praying for sore boobs and nausea???

:o)

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Side Effects

This is my 4th IVF and in some ways it's like riding a bike. Cam, over at Infertility Diary (http://infertilitydiary.blogspot.com/) put it best when she wrote "Its amazing how routine this has all become." I couldn't agree more. HOWEVER, one thing I seem to forget from cycle to cycle is how my digestive tract reacts to the progest.erone. And I'm such a lame brain, that it's taken me two days to figure out what the problem is. Sorry if this is TMI, but it doesn't matter what I eat, or don't eat, I feel awful and I'm sick of rushing off the bathroom all of sudden. It's one thing at home, but during the day a work it's a real pain!

On a happier note, I'm still loving the commentation and the all the wonderful visitors I've gotten as a result. My only frustration is that with work being so busy, I don't have nearly as much time as I'd like to visit other blogs or leave comments. Also, as with Christmas and birthday cards, I feel a little guilty if I don't write something more than Hi and Bye. Nevertheless, I have already exceeded my weekly goal (modest though it was).

night night now -- I'm off to bed, finally!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Gratitude

Wow -- First of all, I need to thank Mel for organizing the commentation (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2007/06/welcome-to-commentathon.html), because I know it's the reason I just got more comments on one day's post than all the previous comments put together. But I also am so grateful to all the folks who've come to visit and wish me well, and to all the bloggers who are willing to share their stories, their heartaches, and their joys with the rest of us. I wish I was a better writer so I could do justice to how wonderful and important it is to be part of this community of fabulous, caring, thoughtful women. Though, I guess the number of people who have blogs and post comments on blogs suggest that you all already know that. I don't want to get all mushy about it, but it really nearly brings tears to my eyes. I never would have guessed what a comfort this could be for me.

Things kind of suck right now. On the one hand I'm grateful to even be in a place where I was able to do another IVF cycle, get some eggs and actually get to be in a 2ww. On the other hand, I'm absolutely terrified. I'm terrified of a BFN, and truthfully, I'm terrified of a BFP. Because if the first test is positive, then I have to wait an agonizing week to see if test #2 is positive, then I have to wait another agonizing two weeks to find out whether or not there's a heartbeat. I know I will be lucky if I have to deal with that, but it also scares the shit out of me. At the same time, work is really kicking my ass right now. I'm behind, my team's behind, we're all panicking and my supervisor doesn't seem to realize there's a problem. So, I'm working late, not getting much sleep and generally stressed out. And, that stresses me out more, because I wonder if all the stress of work is sabotaging this cycle!

I'm really fucking tired, and I'm really fucking scared, and thank goodness you are all out there, because it really does help.

If I could type "thanks' a million times I would, but it's late, I'm tired, and I've still got a lot of work to get through tonight. So I'll keep it simple.

Thanks.

Monday, June 18, 2007

please implant, please implant, please implant.....

Wonder what I'm thinking about these days? :)

So, both embryos made it to Saturday and both were implanted. One was an 8 cell and one was 7, and the doc said they both looked good. My RE doesn't give me much detail about these things and I made a conscious decision not to ask for more. I know myself well enough, and I know that the more I know the more I obsess about things. The more info I have to put into the Google machine, the more stories I see, and of course it's always the worst case scenarios that I tend to focus on. So when he said they looked good, I said "great, that's good to hear".

So, I'm now a few days into the 2ww. I'm on prog.esterone and I started the Lu.pron this morning. I take the Lupron for 3 days and then I start on estro.gen patches. Quite the hormonal cocktail this time. But it a weird way I'm thinking that having to keep track of the schedule for the meds might help the 2 weeks go by a bit faster. That and a killer work deadline!

As for the weekend, I felt a bit bad that I couldn't do anything for my husband for father's day since I spent most of the weekend in bed. I did get tickets for us to see the Gipsy Kings at WolfTrap in August, but normally I'd do a nice dinner and bake something chocolate for him. Perhaps, though, it was appropriate that he spent the weekend taking care of our daughter. While I laid in bed, they played, ran errands and went to the pool. I missed going with them, but I will say that I discovered recently that the neighborhood pool is probably the single worst place to go while dealing with IF. EVERYONE there either has 3 or 4 kids or is pregnant -- and I swear I'm not exaggerating! So instead, I watched 5 movies and read an entire book. If only my back hadn't started hurting after the first few hours!

Anyway, so I'll be imploring these little embryos to implant and grow for the next two weeks. And then on my husbands birthday I will go in for my pregnancy test. Oh how I wish his birthday present will be a BFP!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Irony

Warning: child mentioned below.

For the first time EVER, antibiotics are making me utterly nauseous. I've never experienced this before -- not with the prior 3 IVFs or the 3 bouts of Strep I've had in the past year. I came SO close to pulling my car off the road this morning on the way to work because I felt so awful. The funny thing is, I'm actually hoping that in two to three weeks I'll be feeling this way because the IVF worked and I'm pregnant. If that happens I promise I won't complain about it. But until I can say I'm suffering from nausea because of pregnancy, I reserve the right to bitch and moan about any and all symptoms. So here goes -- even 3 hours after taking the Doxy.cycline I still feel ill, my boobs hurt, my ovaries still hurt, and I’m generally I’m bloated and uncomfortable. With this new protocol, instead of just progesterone, I’m also going to do 3 days of Lu.pron and 6 days of estro.gen patches. I’m kind of dreading how all of that might make me feel.

In other news, we had a great family night last night. Our daughter had a “recital” for her last gymnastics/ballet/tap class. Afterward, we all had dinner at Pot.belly, where she got soup and THREE packages of crackers. She never actually eats all of them, but every time we go she insists that she get three packages. Then we indulged in some B3n & J3rry’s ice cream. As always, she insisted on getting hers in a cone, though I don’t think I’ve ever seen her take even a single bit of the cone.

I’m still nervous about those eggs, and tomorrow morning will not arrive soon enough. Funny, as much as we all hate those 2WW, I’m hoping I’ll have to live through another one real soon.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

So Far, So Good

Well I got the call this morning and our 2 little eggs fertilized. Now I'm just hoping they make it to Saturday.

In other news, the hubby and I had a serious knock-down-drag-out fight last night, followed by a fairly serious and difficult heart-felt conversation, all about what IF has done to us, our life, and our marriage. And then we both proceeded to NOT sleep much all night. The thing is, while we generally agree about the big issues, our personalities are so different that the trouble comes from how we cope with things day to day. He needs lots of quiet time to recharge, while I'm more of a "take my mind off of things, Go, Go, Go..." kind of gal. It's not that either way is wrong -- they just aren't always compatible. The big problem is that we both feel as though life has spun completely out of control. Not only is it making us crazy, but, unfortunately, it's affecting our daughter. I know we'll get through it, but it's just one more thing we need to deal with on top of an already long list.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Update

Unfortunately, between work and all the doctor's appointments, I haven't had much chance to post lately. Which is too bad, because as usual when I'm alone my mind just races with stuff I'd like to write about.

Things are still crazy at work -- worse, if possible -- but I thought I'd post a short update on this cycle.

This morning we went in for the Retrieval. Things went ok. They only got two eggs, which was a real downer, but we knew that was possible, even likely, with the minimal stim protocol. In addition to the ICSI they are also going to use Assisted Hatching. We hadn't actually discussed this before, but I'm not going to argue with anything that might help!

For the first time ever, I lost it in recovery. I just started crying and couldn't stop. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to be a basket case for the next few days (at least!). I know we signed on for this, but I was really hoping we'd get 3 or 4 eggs given the number of follicles they'd seen. In the past (except for the 2nd cycle) we've had pretty good luck with the number of eggs that fertilized and made it to transfer day, but Shit, only TWO eggs! I really don't know how I'm going to cope with this. I guess it IS a good thing that work is insane, it'll keep my mind off of stuff at least a little bit.

Monday, June 11, 2007

The Vicious Cycle That's Life

Hmmm? Spend 2 years trying to get pregnant. Even after getting diagnosed with effed up tubes and moved straight to IVF (do not pass Go), they still say it's so important to "relax". [Pull that damn ultrasound wand out and maybe I will!] But guess what... Turns out being obsessed with trying to have a child can affect your productivity at work a bit. A year of being, um, a tad distracted is biting me in the ass--and hard! I'm up working at all hours of the night, trying to figure out how to sheppard my project through the next two weeks, while being off for 3 days for IVF #4. So, right in the face of IVF #4, when I'm supposed to be all relaxed and optimistic, I'm nothing but completely stressed out. And I can't even have a damned drink!

sigh...

Friday, June 8, 2007

Nurses Rock!

Well, I’m happy to report that things are progressing. There appear to be about 6 follicles at this point. Of course, the doc is so matter of fact that I would have left the office feeling, well, neutral, had it not been for my favorite nurse ever. She walked over, asked if we were moving forward, then looked at my chart and said “wow, that’s great for your age”. I didn’t even mind the age comment! Plus, she had 3 syringes of Gani.relix and 2 vials of Meno.pur set aside for me--FREE meds, thank you very much!!! In other good news, a new nurse drew my blood this morning and it didn’t hurt at all. Easiest blood draw ever! Now I just hope that everything else will go as smoothly. My doc is going on vacation next week and it will be weird dealing with his new partner. I’ve only met him twice, though he does seem a bit more charismatic and outgoing than my doc, so it could be a refreshing change. Also, the lovely, kind, favorite nurse told me on the phone today that she’ll be there all week – hooray!

Now if I can just remember to take the meds at exactly the right time! Hubby and I are going out for a belated anniversary dinner/movie tomorrow night and I’ll have to do the injections is some public restroom – ick. However, nothing will be as bad as what I did last summer during our first IVF cycle. Halfway through a 5 hour drive to PA for my grandmother’s funeral, I had to stop and mix 4 vials of Brav.elle and then inject myself in a pretty filthy McDonalds bathroom, while my daughter watched, AND several complete strangers came in and out of the restroom. Oh, the things we do….

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Confessions

Last night I finally fessed up and told my husband about this blog. And by that, I mean he knows it exists. He does not know what I've written or how to find this place. Fortunately, he didn't ask, because I would have felt a little guilty saying no. But I really want this to be a place where I can say anything, even complain about him or his family if need be. It may seem silly or odd, but I was nervous about telling him about this. Hubby values his privacy more than anyone I've ever known. He would be perfectly happy if we had told no one about our efforts to have another child. We have told our parents and it was easy to convince him to do so for practical purposes (grandparents have provided childcare during surgery, weekend procedures, and my mom took me for one transfer when hubby was out of town). However, he does not know that I have told a few of my friends. Do I feel guilty about this? Hell yes, and everyday. It's not that I don't think it's wrong. However, it has seemed to me the best way to preserve his incredibly intense need for privacy while allowing me a little support from a few friends. It's hard enough to pretend to most of the world that nothing's out of the ordinary. So, it's very comforting to have a few people with whom I can bitch and complain and even cry.

Despite this deception, in no way do I view his need for privacy as any less legitimate or valid than my need, just different. We have very different personalities and the issue of privacy is probably the area in which we differ the most. I do often feel guilty about how I've chosen to handle this and maybe I'm wrong, but it is the decision I've made. As for this blog, the ONLY reason my name is not on this blog is because of my husband. Personally, I would have no problem telling the whole world what we’re going through. In fact, it would make it a lot easier if I didn’t have to walk around pretending that things are “OK”. But, because of hubby I’ve kept our names out of it.

Given all that background, I was half expecting to have to defend my decision to create the blog and to have to remind him many times that there’s no personal identifying information on it. Well, of course I told him it’s anonymous, but I didn’t have to repeat it. And he was actually quite happy for me. Told me he could see it was helpful to me and he was really glad I’d found this support network that clearly meant a lot to me. I’m always telling my husband that he should be less pessimistic about human nature, that he’s too quick to assume the worst in people, and he shouldn’t always expect negative reactions from people. I guess I need to take my own advice.

As for this cycle: Tomorrow I go in for the dreaded ultrasound. Oh how I hate them! I'm really hoping that tomorrow I'll be able to write about how wonderfully I’m responding to this new protocol. Keep your fingers crossed!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

IVF Lite

Warning: Child Mentioned

So, tonight I start my injections. For this minimal stim protocol I only mix 2 vials a night--compared to 4 for all my prior cycles. Plus, I haven't had to do the Lup.ron shots every morning. I should confess (don't hate me please) that the injections don't bother me much. To be sure they aren't fun, and before the first cycle I was terrified, but I really don't have too much trouble with the injections. In fact, I would give myself double the injections if I could avoid the ultrasounds! Nevertheless, things are just so much easier this time, fewer meds to keep track of, fewer needles, etc. Of course I won't be feeling so grateful if it doesn't work. :)

In other news...

Do you know when it's time to go on a diet? I do. The other night my 4 1/2 year old looked at my belly, walked over, stuck her finger in my belly fat and said with great excitement and glee in her eyes "you know what that is? That's a baby in your belly".

For a moment I was speechless and thought to myself "I WISH!" Then I went on to explain to her that sometimes people's bellies are just big, and listed all the people we know with big bellies who don't have a baby, Grandpa, Grandma, etc.

The bright side is that it redoubled my motivation to lose the darn 10 pounds, because if I can't BE pregnant, I sure as hell don't want to look like I am!!!