Purgatory

First, thanks so much to everyone who's come here and left comments. I can't say how much it means to me to have the support. I'm sorry I haven't responded to everyone's comments or even posted lately, but in addition to being out of town for the weekend, I've just been overwhelmed. And really I don't know what to say, I'm not even sure I know how to describe what I'm feeling. Much of the time I feel like I'm in purgatory. I'm miserable now, but there will be an end to it (one way or another). Other times I feel more like I'm in a tailspin -- completely out of control of things, I know it's going to end badly, I just don't know when.

But let me back up and fill you all in on what's happened since last Wednesday. Well, on Thursday my nurse (who'd had to leave early on Wed) called me to check in and see what had happened. I explained about the followup phone calls the day before, my panic, and that I'd be coming in on Friday. She reassured me that once numbers get over about 5000 they don't rise at the same rate and that since they don't usually run blood tests that late, they really don't know what it should do. She basically told me that the doctor was being very cautious, but she continued to sound very optimistic. So, my mood improved slightly (though I was still very anxious). So Friday morning my husband drives me to the doctor's office. I go in by myself since husband is sitting outside with my daughter, because the earliest they could see me was 10:15 and I was due to get on a bus for NY with my daughter at Noon and the only chance we had of getting there on time was to bring her with us. So, I go in by myself. The scan showed a gestational sac and yolk sac --about all they would expect to see at this point. The doctor confirmed what I'd suspected -- he wanted to rule out an ectopic. In addition, he confirmed my belief that he was very worried because of the result of the 3rd beta and it was clear by the end of our conversation that he doesn't think this pregnancy will last. First he said something along the lines of "well, I do believe in miracles." !!!! Wow, I thought, I had no idea the numbers looked so bad that I needed a miracle! A far cry from the 2 nurses who told me things looked great. He also instructed me on what to do if I started bleeding ("call and stop the Lovenox"), and told me to call my regular OB and tell her I'm pregnant, because if I need a D&C it would be easier to have her do it since she's closer to me. Finally, after initially saying I need to come in again in a week, he changes his mind and tells me to come back on Tuesday (today). Just no optimism there at all.

So, I head off to NY feeling pretty low, but that bitch Hope keeps creeping in. Frankly, I don't want her around, because everytime I get hopeful something happens and instead of getting easier to take it seems to hit harder everytime. Anyway, nothing happened in NY--meaning I didn't start bleeding. By the time we got home late Sunday I was feeling ok. But yesterday was a bad day. I think being back home and knowing I'd be getting another scan in day just put me in a tailspin from the get go. But I had a good cry and then decided to go to the mall and do a little therapy shopping. I was feeling alright until I went to the bathroom at Barnes & No.ble and there was a tiny spot of pink on the toilet paper. So I hightailed it out of the mall and called my nurse from the car. I explained that the "spotting" was barely noticeable, but that the doctor had me a LOT paranoid about the lovenox, so I wasn't sure how much was enough to warrant stopping the injections. Then I waited, and went to the grocery store, and went home, and waited some more -- and the whole time I did not let my cell phone out of my hand b/c I was NOT going to miss that call. So she finally calls back and is, as ever, optimistic. She reminds me that spotting is completely normal during pregnancy and that unless I really start bleeding I don't need to worry about the lovenox and says I should try not to worry. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Anyway, so for the rest of the day there was no more spotting. (and hope bubbles up again). So I've been a good girl and taken my Folgard, baby aspirin, prenatals, and my lovenox. So far this morning I've gone to the bathroom twice (which is actually not much because I've been so paranoid for the past week that I've been popping into restrooms as often as possible!) and both times had brown smudges. Which almost makes me cry, but dammit I can't seem to get rid of the little bit of hope that the nurse is right. And that scares me, because if the part of my brain that keeps telling me "this will not end well" is right and I find out later today, or god forbid today's scan is inconclusive and I have to go back in a few days, at the doctor's office I KNOW the fall is going to be even harder to take. So that's my story. My appointment is at 1:00 today, and I'm pretty much sick to my stomach already -- should be a great 6 hours until then. ;)

Thanks again for all the support, I REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate every comment. And now I'm off to the bathroom for another TP check.