Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Good and the Bad

Wow. I'm really overwhelmed by all the support from the blogosphere, thanks so much. I haven't had the energy to comment back, but please know that I really appreciate the support and I will start reading and commenting again soon.

I don't really feel like there's a good side to this, but I'm trying my hardest to keep my spirits up a bit and my sense of humor. So, first the status report and then my good/bad lists. After the scan on Tuesday, they drew blood -- want to make sure my hcg #s are going down. The nurse called yesterday to tell me that the number was 4462 -- so not much of a drop. I had a tiny bit of brown smears again yesterday morning, but that's been it. So I'll start with the bad.

#1. I'm thinking my odds of having to have another D&C are high, given the lack of any bleeding.

#2. My boobs are still sore and I still have a bit of indigestion, totally unfair to have symptoms at this point.

#3. Now I REALLY need to seriously start a diet and lose some weight. (I suppose that shouldn't be such a bad thing, but then again if that was my attitude about such things I probably wouldn't be 25 lbs overweight in the first place.) Guess I'll redouble my efforts for DMarie's 30-day-get-healthy-challenge (the

#4. Realizing that my mom (who I love and get along with quite well) is just not capable of giving me the kind of emotional support I need right now.

#5. Feeling both guilty and angry that my husband and I can't seem to help each other emotionally. We're each having such a hard time and we need such different things to cope with this that it's been really hard. We've been snapping at eachother alot the past few days.

#6. Worrying about the prospect that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law (who are nice, but really annoy me) could easily be announcing a pregnancy any day now and having to actually spend time with them over both upcoming holidays. And then feeling really really guilty about that because they did have a miscarriage last summer and I wouldn't wish this brand of heartache on anyone. But honestly I just can't deal with that. If it were someone I really liked I know I could deal with it. In fact, I enthusiastically accepted an invitation for a workplace baby shower this morning. While I know it will probably be difficult, I know I can handle it because I really like this woman. My BIL & SIL though -- UGH, even if they aren't pregnant I'm not really looking forward to spending time with them.

So, in my effort to keep some perspective things, here is the good stuff, the stuff I'm grateful for.

#1. Red wine and pumpkin ale -- need I say more. (I can't recall who coined the phrase "infertility induced alcoholism" -- I think it was either LJ at or Sunny -- but it's sooooo true.)

#2. I'm taking ALL of next week off from work. I'm really looking forward to having some real alone time for a couple of days before heading out of town for the holiday. I NEVER have time to myself -- except for at the grocery store! Keep your fingers crossed that I don't have to spend one of those rare and precious days in the hospital.

#3. Cookie baking! During that time off I plan to use the new Christmas cookie cutters I just ordered from Wms Sonoma make some fabulous cookies.

#4. The husband remains in charge of all things adoption related and is now moving forward with renewed motivation. I'm not up for dealing with all that right now, but I'm really glad it's moving forward.

And last, but most certainly not least

#5. My friends, both IRL and via the internet. It's not that I wasn't already grateful for my friends, but going through this has really reminded me how fortunate I am to have such caring people in my life. As I've gotten older the number of IRL friends whom I talk to often and tell everything to has shrunk considerably, but the ones I have are worth their weight in diamonds! So another karmic thanks to my IRL friends and a real thanks to the one who found this site. Thanks Jacks, I'm glad you discovered my little secret! ;) And my new internet friends -- well what can I say, though I've only met a few of you in person and only once, but you've made the last 5 months immeasurably more bearable.


Meghan said...

I am so sorry you're still stuck on this ride. And I'm pretty impressed you were able to find things to be thankful for right about now.

I know we emailed about this once but I'm pretty much right around the corner if you need anything. Please don't hestitate to email me.

Crossing my fingers that you don't need a d&c next week!

Hez said...

You're on my mind.


Lea Bee said...

ugh, i'm so sorry you still have symptoms. it is so unfair.

i too am thankful for red wine.

Baby Deux? said...

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you!!!

CAM said...

Oh my goodness...I am so sorry I haven't checked in with you in few days. The doc warned me about the lovenox thing too when I found out I had "issues."
I have been where you are now and despite all the negative feelings its good that you are finding things to be happy about. The worst is that you have that intense rush when you find out its positive...and its just further to crash down when you find out it won't last.
I am so sorry, again. We are all here for you.

Jacks said...

You made me all teary. Very un-BB like. How about we make an early new years' resolution...let's walk up and down the 3 flights more in 2008. jacks xx

LJ said...

I owe you a return email, but just wanted to publicly say how sorry I am that you've had to go through this.

And Sunny and I jointly came up with infertility induced alcoholism...while drunk. :)