Friday, November 30, 2007
I'm really getting tired of adding to my infertility story. I truly truly never thought we would be where we are right now. I suppose no one ever does, but looking back I can hardly believe how optimistic and unphased I was when we began seeing the first RE. I mean the year of trying prior to that had been hard, but then I felt like we'd found the problem, it wasn't actually all that awful and there was a way around it (IVF). Here I sit 2 1/2 years since we started trying for a second child. 4 IVF cycles, one surprise pregnancy, 2 miscarriages, and 1 chemical pregnancy under my belt and I'm starting to lose hope. I actually looked at myself in the mirror the other day and thought I myself "you may never have another successful pregnancy." Before now I've never really believed that. I'm not sure that even now I REALLY do, but that reality is starting to creep in. My brain tells me I should believe it, my brain tells me not to hold onto hope anymore. Hell, my BANK account tells me that I may not be able to afford additional attempts at this. Yet deep down I really haven't given up hope. I'm trying to figure out how we can afford at least one more cycle. I know I'm not ready to stop trying yet. But I just turned 38 and in another 2 1/2 years I'll be over 40. I'm frustrated and bitter and tired and also tired of feeling that way, tired of hearing myself complain about EVERYTHING these days, but I can't seem to find a way out of this right now. Maybe once the cramps and the bleeding finally stop and I actually physically feel better my head will follow suit. And now I'm off to investigate new insurance plans -- wish me luck.