Friday, November 30, 2007

Frustration

I'm really getting tired of adding to my infertility story. I truly truly never thought we would be where we are right now. I suppose no one ever does, but looking back I can hardly believe how optimistic and unphased I was when we began seeing the first RE. I mean the year of trying prior to that had been hard, but then I felt like we'd found the problem, it wasn't actually all that awful and there was a way around it (IVF). Here I sit 2 1/2 years since we started trying for a second child. 4 IVF cycles, one surprise pregnancy, 2 miscarriages, and 1 chemical pregnancy under my belt and I'm starting to lose hope. I actually looked at myself in the mirror the other day and thought I myself "you may never have another successful pregnancy." Before now I've never really believed that. I'm not sure that even now I REALLY do, but that reality is starting to creep in. My brain tells me I should believe it, my brain tells me not to hold onto hope anymore. Hell, my BANK account tells me that I may not be able to afford additional attempts at this. Yet deep down I really haven't given up hope. I'm trying to figure out how we can afford at least one more cycle. I know I'm not ready to stop trying yet. But I just turned 38 and in another 2 1/2 years I'll be over 40. I'm frustrated and bitter and tired and also tired of feeling that way, tired of hearing myself complain about EVERYTHING these days, but I can't seem to find a way out of this right now. Maybe once the cramps and the bleeding finally stop and I actually physically feel better my head will follow suit. And now I'm off to investigate new insurance plans -- wish me luck.

8 comments:

Waiting Amy said...

Take care of yourself Bean. Hoping the frustration eases up soon.

Meghan said...

It's crazy to look at the journey we've been on and see all of the stops we've had to make on the way from pt A to B.

Hope you get some insurance answers and start to feel better (at least physically)

CAM said...

Right now your body and your mind are feeling completely beat up. The ubelievable journey is sometimes too much to take. I hope you find some good answers with your insurance.
:)

The Town Criers said...

Wishing you luck on insurance. If you find anything local, let me know.

I'm sending so many good thoughts for peace. For finding a break in all of the frustrations.

Tam said...

Oh Bean, it has beend a long road and I am so sorry that you've had even more heartache to go along with it. It truly sucks!!

Hoping that you find peace of mind real soon sweetie.

Love and hugs xxx

In and Out of Luck said...

I'm so sorry. I am thinking of you.

Katie said...

First time by. I was reading through your recent miscarriage and wanted to send my condolences your way. I hate the "at least you can get pregnant" statement. Gee, you mean so I can go through the rollercoaster of miscarriage?! Yeah, I am a lucky son of a gun, that's for sure.

Anyway, I know how much it all sucks and I wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and your family.

LJ said...

Oh Bean, I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this. It really isn't fair.