Friday, November 30, 2007


I'm really getting tired of adding to my infertility story. I truly truly never thought we would be where we are right now. I suppose no one ever does, but looking back I can hardly believe how optimistic and unphased I was when we began seeing the first RE. I mean the year of trying prior to that had been hard, but then I felt like we'd found the problem, it wasn't actually all that awful and there was a way around it (IVF). Here I sit 2 1/2 years since we started trying for a second child. 4 IVF cycles, one surprise pregnancy, 2 miscarriages, and 1 chemical pregnancy under my belt and I'm starting to lose hope. I actually looked at myself in the mirror the other day and thought I myself "you may never have another successful pregnancy." Before now I've never really believed that. I'm not sure that even now I REALLY do, but that reality is starting to creep in. My brain tells me I should believe it, my brain tells me not to hold onto hope anymore. Hell, my BANK account tells me that I may not be able to afford additional attempts at this. Yet deep down I really haven't given up hope. I'm trying to figure out how we can afford at least one more cycle. I know I'm not ready to stop trying yet. But I just turned 38 and in another 2 1/2 years I'll be over 40. I'm frustrated and bitter and tired and also tired of feeling that way, tired of hearing myself complain about EVERYTHING these days, but I can't seem to find a way out of this right now. Maybe once the cramps and the bleeding finally stop and I actually physically feel better my head will follow suit. And now I'm off to investigate new insurance plans -- wish me luck.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


Thank goodness, or the deity of your choice, for Ad.vil!

Curse of the Surprise Pregnancy…

But first, a little update for inquiring minds. The short story is that I was scheduled for a D&C yesterday, but surprise, surprise, on Sunday, in the car on the way home from our Thanksgiving weekend, I was hit with horrendous cramps and by the time we got home I was bleeeeeeding. Not spotting, not brown smudges, but real bleeding. The doctor wasn’t ready to cancel, so I went in for a scan and blood test yesterday morning. I have to go back for another scan and test on Friday, to make sure things are progressing enough, but he doesn’t expect that I’ll need a D&C. And sure enough, my blood test revealed that my hcg dropped to about 1500, so that was good news. Now I just hope my boobs will clue in to what’s going on. They don’t hurt anymore, but they are still, shall we say, a bit bigger than usual.

Now onto our regularly scheduled program. Oh the irony. Everyone IRL, including my doctor, who knows what we’re dealing with seems to think it’s great that we managed to get pregnant. And I suppose it is. (I know there may be people reading this thinking “BITCH, she should be grateful she can at least GET pregnant!” But wait, let me ‘splain. As some of you may recall, just prior to finding out that I was pregnant we’d met with the doctor. He wanted to do one more blood test and schedule a hysterscopy. I was due to get my period so I would have been able to get all the additional tests done in early November, switch my health insurance in hopes of getting some additional IVF coverage, and have a break over the holidays. We expected to be resuming treatment (as in starting a new IVF) early in the new year. But now here we are at the end of November. I’ll be due to get my period just days before Christmas – when we won’t be here! Which means that I’ll have to postpone all the tests until January (at the earliest). Plus, it’s quite likely that I’ll be traveling for work in January (which I don’t normally do too much), meaning that I might have to wait even longer just to get the testing done, much less start a new cycle! But the real kicker – since we did manage to get pregnant on our own it is now highly unlikely that ANY insurance company will cover us for IVF. And let me just say, we can’t afford to keep doing this on our own. If we max out on our home equity line of credit we can probably swing one more IVF, but that’ll be it. I know at some point we’d need to draw the line anyway if IVF keeps failing or I have more miscarriages, but I HATE that we’ll be forced to make the decision based solely on finances. I know, I know, (a bitch again!) I know we’re so lucky to have the coverage we do have and to have had 50% coverage of three of our IVFs, and I know that many, many people would kill for that. But still I’m pissed.

Monday, November 26, 2007


My lovely friend at me for this ABC meme. I'm only a week late in doing it, but since my posts have been such a downer lately, I thought this would be a good distraction. Though I know I'll be wondering why I'm doing it very soon. I mean really -- 26 ways of describing myself and I have to be positive! (see rules below)

Rules are: list a word that describes you for every letter of the alphabet. offer as much or as little explanation as you wish. please keep the words positive (for example, don’t use “fat” for F or “lame” for L), and feel free to get creative. tag as many or as few people as you wish. Link back to your tagger and forward to your taggees.

A - Advice. As in, I suck at taking it, but I'm GREAT at giving it out. Hopefully not assvice though. ;)
B - Baking. love it and am happy for any excuse to make cookies, cupcakes, cakes, you name it.
C - Cautious.
D - Depressed. OK, so this one isn't so "positive", but honestly, this IS how I feel.
E - Eye roller. I REALLY can't control the impulse.
F - Friend. Yes, despite that fact that I can be a judgemental bitch (see below), I can also be quite friendly and a damn good friend, if I do say so myself.
G - Grumpy
I - Introverted.
J - Judgemental.
K - Kind. (Despite the other stuff on the list, I really can be.)
L - Lovable. (Alright, stop laughing already.)
M - Mama or Mimi (my daughter's pet name for me). 'Cause really that's my most important role ever. [But I have to list the close second for M - Messy. Really, you should see my desk -- oh, that's right you can't actually see any of the desk b/c it's COVERED with paper.]
N - Nosy. I admit it, and I know it's wrong, but I do love to hear good gossip.
O - Opinionated.
P - Passive. Not proud of it, but I really don't like conflict.
Q - Quibbling. (Did I mention I can be argumentative? I get THAT from my dad.)
R - Rambling. Let's just say I can lose track of my own stories.
S - Shopper, or spender.
T - Ticklish. VERY ticklish.
U - Untidy. See M above :)
V - Verbose. Just ask my co-workers!
W - Wahoo.
X - Xanthippe. I had to look it up, so you do too.
Y - Youthful. At least people tell me I look younger than my age. And I've been known to be a little childish at times.
Z - Zingy. ... come on, it's Z for goodness sake, and it IS in the dictionary.

Oops, almost forgot to tag some folks. So, LJ, Leah, DMarie, Meg, and Meghan ya'll are it.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Draggin' On...

Well it looks like my intuition was right all along. I still haven't started bleeding so they are trying to get me into the schedule for a D&C next Monday or Tuesday. They actually got me on the schedule for tomorrow afternoon, but since we're scheduled to leave town tomorrow morning I asked if we could wait. It's not that I want this to drag out, in fact I'd really like it to be over, but in addition to everything else I don't want it to fuck up our holiday plans. Fortunately, the doctor was ok with my waiting until next week. They took more blood this morning and I won't know for a few hours what the numbers have done, but considering my boobs are still pretty sore I doubt there will be much to cheer about. Funny really, 2 weeks ago, when I was ecstatic and things seemed so promising, I was running to the bathroom every 5 minutes and thinking to myself "yeah, nothing there!" Now it's more like, "damn, nothing there." Funny how your perspective on something can change so dramatically in such a short time! And I do have more to say on that matter, but now I'm off for some therapeutic baking.

Friday, November 16, 2007

The Middle of the End ???

Ok, so I have a feeling this is going to drag on a bit. UGH. I just wish it could be really over so I can move on. Until this morning I was sort of ok -- or at least numb enough that, while not cheerful, I wasn't feeling like I would cry at any minute. But then I had the scan this morning. I had to wait in a room, sitting on my bare ass no less, listening to a happy couple in the room next to me seeing their baby on an ultrasound. I literally laid there with my fingers in my ears humming so to block out the noise. Of course, nothing's happened since last time -- though the doctor didn't seem too concerned about it at this point--which was not a surprise because I've only spotted a tiny bit. Anyway, while I'd been feeling at least stable beforehand, I felt as though I'd been kicked in the stomach again and I've been completely off kilter ever since. Instead of coming right home to work, as planned, I make a stop at Michael's to buy some crafts for my daughter's holiday group playdate in a couple of weeks and to stock up on some cookie decorating supplies. Unfortunately it didn't cheer me up as I'd hoped it might.

I wrote the above this afternoon but had trouble with my connection, so now a late breaking update.

Looks like when it comes to bad news my intuition is right on. When I got home from errands this evening there were 2 messages on my machine one from the nurse and one from my doctor, who was not actually there this morning. Both were sufficiently sympathic, so sorry... call if you bleed too heavily... call if you have questions, blah blah. Here's the kicker, my hcg number actually went up a bit. So it explains why my symptoms haven't disappeared yet. It also explains why the doctor called, he wants to talk about our "options" on Monday. Hmmm? Pretty sure I see a D&C in my future. Not exactly excited, but then again I'm ready for this to be over and if that's how I can get this latest nightmare to end, well I guess I can stand some heavy duty painkillers (they always make me a little giddy), renting some girly movies and spending an afternoon on the couch. Perhaps some forced relaxation might actually be a good thing right now.

And on the bright side, I don't have to be back at work for NINE whole days!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Good and the Bad

Wow. I'm really overwhelmed by all the support from the blogosphere, thanks so much. I haven't had the energy to comment back, but please know that I really appreciate the support and I will start reading and commenting again soon.

I don't really feel like there's a good side to this, but I'm trying my hardest to keep my spirits up a bit and my sense of humor. So, first the status report and then my good/bad lists. After the scan on Tuesday, they drew blood -- want to make sure my hcg #s are going down. The nurse called yesterday to tell me that the number was 4462 -- so not much of a drop. I had a tiny bit of brown smears again yesterday morning, but that's been it. So I'll start with the bad.

#1. I'm thinking my odds of having to have another D&C are high, given the lack of any bleeding.

#2. My boobs are still sore and I still have a bit of indigestion, totally unfair to have symptoms at this point.

#3. Now I REALLY need to seriously start a diet and lose some weight. (I suppose that shouldn't be such a bad thing, but then again if that was my attitude about such things I probably wouldn't be 25 lbs overweight in the first place.) Guess I'll redouble my efforts for DMarie's 30-day-get-healthy-challenge (the

#4. Realizing that my mom (who I love and get along with quite well) is just not capable of giving me the kind of emotional support I need right now.

#5. Feeling both guilty and angry that my husband and I can't seem to help each other emotionally. We're each having such a hard time and we need such different things to cope with this that it's been really hard. We've been snapping at eachother alot the past few days.

#6. Worrying about the prospect that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law (who are nice, but really annoy me) could easily be announcing a pregnancy any day now and having to actually spend time with them over both upcoming holidays. And then feeling really really guilty about that because they did have a miscarriage last summer and I wouldn't wish this brand of heartache on anyone. But honestly I just can't deal with that. If it were someone I really liked I know I could deal with it. In fact, I enthusiastically accepted an invitation for a workplace baby shower this morning. While I know it will probably be difficult, I know I can handle it because I really like this woman. My BIL & SIL though -- UGH, even if they aren't pregnant I'm not really looking forward to spending time with them.

So, in my effort to keep some perspective things, here is the good stuff, the stuff I'm grateful for.

#1. Red wine and pumpkin ale -- need I say more. (I can't recall who coined the phrase "infertility induced alcoholism" -- I think it was either LJ at or Sunny -- but it's sooooo true.)

#2. I'm taking ALL of next week off from work. I'm really looking forward to having some real alone time for a couple of days before heading out of town for the holiday. I NEVER have time to myself -- except for at the grocery store! Keep your fingers crossed that I don't have to spend one of those rare and precious days in the hospital.

#3. Cookie baking! During that time off I plan to use the new Christmas cookie cutters I just ordered from Wms Sonoma make some fabulous cookies.

#4. The husband remains in charge of all things adoption related and is now moving forward with renewed motivation. I'm not up for dealing with all that right now, but I'm really glad it's moving forward.

And last, but most certainly not least

#5. My friends, both IRL and via the internet. It's not that I wasn't already grateful for my friends, but going through this has really reminded me how fortunate I am to have such caring people in my life. As I've gotten older the number of IRL friends whom I talk to often and tell everything to has shrunk considerably, but the ones I have are worth their weight in diamonds! So another karmic thanks to my IRL friends and a real thanks to the one who found this site. Thanks Jacks, I'm glad you discovered my little secret! ;) And my new internet friends -- well what can I say, though I've only met a few of you in person and only once, but you've made the last 5 months immeasurably more bearable.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Beginning of the End

Thanks again everyone for all the comments and support.

I'm not really sure what to say right now other than today's appointment did not go well. Things are not measuring as they should be so I was instructed to stop all my meds and come back on Friday to make sure things progress as they should. Given my history and the fact that my body doesn't seem to function properly AT ALL when it comes to this stuff, I wouldn't be surprised if I end up needing a another D&C to deal with this. I sort of flip flop between feeling like I won't ever stop crying and feeling really numb. Exactly two weeks ago tonight I took those tests that came out positive. I feel like I've been clinging to a yo-yo ever since. Ironically, before those tests I was feeling pretty good. Now, having come soooo close to getting what I want, I feel worse than ever.


First, thanks so much to everyone who's come here and left comments. I can't say how much it means to me to have the support. I'm sorry I haven't responded to everyone's comments or even posted lately, but in addition to being out of town for the weekend, I've just been overwhelmed. And really I don't know what to say, I'm not even sure I know how to describe what I'm feeling. Much of the time I feel like I'm in purgatory. I'm miserable now, but there will be an end to it (one way or another). Other times I feel more like I'm in a tailspin -- completely out of control of things, I know it's going to end badly, I just don't know when.

But let me back up and fill you all in on what's happened since last Wednesday. Well, on Thursday my nurse (who'd had to leave early on Wed) called me to check in and see what had happened. I explained about the followup phone calls the day before, my panic, and that I'd be coming in on Friday. She reassured me that once numbers get over about 5000 they don't rise at the same rate and that since they don't usually run blood tests that late, they really don't know what it should do. She basically told me that the doctor was being very cautious, but she continued to sound very optimistic. So, my mood improved slightly (though I was still very anxious). So Friday morning my husband drives me to the doctor's office. I go in by myself since husband is sitting outside with my daughter, because the earliest they could see me was 10:15 and I was due to get on a bus for NY with my daughter at Noon and the only chance we had of getting there on time was to bring her with us. So, I go in by myself. The scan showed a gestational sac and yolk sac --about all they would expect to see at this point. The doctor confirmed what I'd suspected -- he wanted to rule out an ectopic. In addition, he confirmed my belief that he was very worried because of the result of the 3rd beta and it was clear by the end of our conversation that he doesn't think this pregnancy will last. First he said something along the lines of "well, I do believe in miracles." !!!! Wow, I thought, I had no idea the numbers looked so bad that I needed a miracle! A far cry from the 2 nurses who told me things looked great. He also instructed me on what to do if I started bleeding ("call and stop the Lovenox"), and told me to call my regular OB and tell her I'm pregnant, because if I need a D&C it would be easier to have her do it since she's closer to me. Finally, after initially saying I need to come in again in a week, he changes his mind and tells me to come back on Tuesday (today). Just no optimism there at all.

So, I head off to NY feeling pretty low, but that bitch Hope keeps creeping in. Frankly, I don't want her around, because everytime I get hopeful something happens and instead of getting easier to take it seems to hit harder everytime. Anyway, nothing happened in NY--meaning I didn't start bleeding. By the time we got home late Sunday I was feeling ok. But yesterday was a bad day. I think being back home and knowing I'd be getting another scan in day just put me in a tailspin from the get go. But I had a good cry and then decided to go to the mall and do a little therapy shopping. I was feeling alright until I went to the bathroom at Barnes & No.ble and there was a tiny spot of pink on the toilet paper. So I hightailed it out of the mall and called my nurse from the car. I explained that the "spotting" was barely noticeable, but that the doctor had me a LOT paranoid about the lovenox, so I wasn't sure how much was enough to warrant stopping the injections. Then I waited, and went to the grocery store, and went home, and waited some more -- and the whole time I did not let my cell phone out of my hand b/c I was NOT going to miss that call. So she finally calls back and is, as ever, optimistic. She reminds me that spotting is completely normal during pregnancy and that unless I really start bleeding I don't need to worry about the lovenox and says I should try not to worry. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Anyway, so for the rest of the day there was no more spotting. (and hope bubbles up again). So I've been a good girl and taken my Folgard, baby aspirin, prenatals, and my lovenox. So far this morning I've gone to the bathroom twice (which is actually not much because I've been so paranoid for the past week that I've been popping into restrooms as often as possible!) and both times had brown smudges. Which almost makes me cry, but dammit I can't seem to get rid of the little bit of hope that the nurse is right. And that scares me, because if the part of my brain that keeps telling me "this will not end well" is right and I find out later today, or god forbid today's scan is inconclusive and I have to go back in a few days, at the doctor's office I KNOW the fall is going to be even harder to take. So that's my story. My appointment is at 1:00 today, and I'm pretty much sick to my stomach already -- should be a great 6 hours until then. ;)

Thanks again for all the support, I REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate every comment. And now I'm off to the bathroom for another TP check.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

The Joke's On Me (or Hope, Short-lived)

So much for good Karma. Got the message on my voicemail from my nurse that I had "another great rise, beta was 5186, oh and please call and schedule an ultrasound for tomorrow. Congratulations again." WTF?!

First of all, 5186 is most definitely NOT a good rise from 4565 two days ago (I can fucking multiply.) And, coming in for an ultrasound at only 5 weeks. I'm no dummy, that's not normal.
So, I call her back but get a message that she's gone for the rest of the day. So I call the front desk to schedule the appointment. The woman asks why I'm coming in tomorrow. I tell her the nurse told me to. She gets a nurse and my chart and they discuss say it looks fine, they don't know why I should have to come in tomorrow. So, she says she'll have to talk to the Dr. and call me back. She calls a few minutes later to report that the doctor is out tomorrow so can I come Friday, oh and she tells me "everything's great, don't worry." Again I say to myself, WHAT THE FUCK?! "Don't worry" Are they kidding? So, once again I got to be the one to call my husband and deliver bad news. Happy Fucking Wednesday.

Incidentally, had this to say about my hcg rise: "The Two-Day hCG rise was 14% and is considered slower than normal." No kidding!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Gratitude and Good Karma

Today has been such an amazing day and I'm feeling so grateful to the World Wide Web right now. First of all, thanks to all of you from Blogland who stopped by with congratulations and well wishes -- I really can't express how much it means to me. All those positive vibes really do help me feel more hopeful and less fearful. Secondly, a karmic thanks to my real life friends and colleagues, who really stepped up to the plate today. I emailed about 20 people with a request to go vote for Mel in the Weblog awards. I was really surprised at the number who emailed me that they had voted and would continue to do so, and several even told me they planned to forward the link to friends of theirs. Only a handful of these friends actually know much about my efforts to have another baby and only one knows about this blog--and that's a story for another day :). Tomorrow I go in for my third blood test and I know that for about 6 hours tomorrow I'll be a nervous wreck. But right now I'm feeling really positive and I'll go to bed tonight daydreaming about the future. Thanks to you all!

Monday, November 5, 2007

Courting Hope

Well, here's the story. I'm pregnant. Today I got the results of my second beta and they came in at 4565, last Thursday's beta was 952. I'm still scared. I'm worried that it could end like others before it, laying on a table next to an ultrasound machine and finding no heartbeat. I'm worried about things that haven't ever happened before, an ectopic or suffering a later loss. The last week and a half has been a whirlwind of emotion. Renewed hope, confusion, elation, fear, relief, hope, fear, and so on.

For me the story really begins with the appointment with the RE on October 26. During that appointment he told us that I'd tested positive for the MTHFR mutation and was told to start baby aspirin and Folgard right away. I was also told that as soon as they reviewed some of my blood work I'd likely be starting Metformin. Finally, I was instructed to call on day 1 to schedule a hysteroscopy and have a few additional blood tests done. We went home feeling very happy about things. I expected to get my period at any time, so I expected to be getting confirmation for the Metformin and scheduling the hysterscopy at the same time on Monday. Well, Monday I started smudging (not really spotting, just some brown smudges), which is not an unusual way for my periods to start, but I know they don't consider that day 1, so I didn't call first thing. I called late enough that I didn't get a call back on Monday. Tuesday, I fully expected to begin bleeding heavily, but nothing, not even any smudges. When I got home that night there was a message from my nurse telling me to go ahead and fill the Metformin prescription. Instead, on a total whim, and ONLY because I had two old tests languishing and lonely in the bathroom, I peed on a stick. I almost didn't believe it when I saw two lines, so I took the other and it was positive too. My husband was probably more stunned that I was when I showed him when he got home. The RE was right about one thing -- nothing in our test results had indicated that we COULDN'T get pregnant on our own, but we sure hadn't expected it. So first thing the next morning I called my nurse. They arranged for a blood test on Thurs, and called in a prescription for Lovenox. So Thursday afternoon we got good news and that night I started the Lovenox injections. It wasn't until that night on the way home in the car that it hit me - WE had made done this, my husband and I. Just US, not me and him and a cup and a catheter and team of medical professionals. Just us and in our very own bed. And I cried and cried, because for well over a year I have truly believed that IF we ever were going to get pregnant it would be via IVF. So throughout the next four days I spent about half my time elated and daydreaming about the future and the other half terrified of all that could happen to ruin this fantasy. Today was the longest day. But the news was good and I go back on Wed for another test. In the meantime, I will continue to take my meds and I will try to be hopeful and I will try to not let the fear take over.

Please go vote for Mel -- for all of us!!!

It's easy as pie. Just click here

Friday, November 2, 2007

Complaint of the Day #2

Lovenox stings like a bitch and it's fucking expensive!

(more details coming soon)

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Diagnosis and Question of the day, and unrelated Hooray of the Day

At our meeting with the new RE (have I mentioned that he's incredibly thorough and patient) last Friday, we were informed that I had tested positive with homozygous MTHFR mutation. I'm now taking Folgard twice a day and baby aspirin. The RE explained that the treating this is still controversial, but that given my history, repeated early losses AND a placental abruption during my pregnancy with my daughter, he did not want to ignore it. THIS is the thing I asked my former RE to test me for, and he refused. I know it's controversial and that it could be a red herring, but I'm still pissed!

Oops, I almost forgot my question of the day. This is all so new and I'm curious if anyone else out there who's been diagnosed has any good research or advice to share?

Hooray of the Day:
I was flipping through magazines while waiting in the RE's office this morning. How thrilled to read an article in which a celebrity came clean about using IVF. Check out the interview with Amy Brenneman from the October issue of Good Hskeeping here

Complaint of the Day

While I'm extremely happy with the new RE and quite happy with the office in general, I have to say that the women who draw blood in the lab there SUCK at it! They're nice, but horrible at drawing blood. I'll remind you that I've been through FOUR IVF cycles already, have had blood drawn for lots of other non-IVF reasons, and I used to donate blood on a regular basis, and in general it's never been a problem. Sure some are better than others (one nurse at my former RE's office was so good that I hardly felt anything), but no one has ever complained about it being difficult to get a vein or get my blood out. I just don't understand how someone who's primary job is to draw blood can be so bad at it!!! This morning the FIRST women to try was literally shoving the needle all around trying to get it in. The second women had to do the same, but luckily succeeded and I only had to get stuck twice. I rarely get bruises from blood draws or needles in general, but I've got a doozy of one growing now!