Monday, July 9, 2007

Overwhelmed!!!

I know folks are going to get tired of my grumbling real soon. I'M getting tired of my grumbling! But I can't stop myself. Since my husband is also feeling pretty worn out and depressed I don't want to keep dumping my crappy emotions on him, and I don't have too many other people in "real life" that I can't talk to about this. Anyway, I'm feeling utterly overwhelmed by life right now. I'm still depressed about the last IVF, the state of our finances, and the overall uncertainty about all things IF related right now. And thanks to craziness at work, the 4th of July family get together, and generally having to be a mom to my daughter, I haven't even had a chance to crawl under the covers and cry my eyes out yet. My to do list is growing, growing, growing and I can’t seem to make any progress. I know we need a break from all the IF stuff, but at the same time I really want to talk to my RE and find out what he’s thinking. I also want to make an appointment with a new RE to get a second opinion. Yet, thanks to work, and my frustration and depression, I haven’t picked up the phone to even inquire about scheduling either appointment. I’m also realizing that I need to get the rest of my life in order. Between surgery and 4 IVFs in the last year, I haven’t done shit about the rest of my health. I’m about a year overdue for a Pap smear, and I haven’t been to the eye doctor in almost 2 years. My weight is at an all time high and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve worked out in the past 9 months. My husband is in full court press on the adoption front and just added a bunch of things to my to do list so we’ll have all the information we need for the application. Also, despite all the money we’ve spent, and anticipate spending on the adoption application and more IVF (unless they tell me something really unexpected I’m not about to give up on that front), hubby is pressing me to FINALLY order the dresser and armoire and bookshelf we’ve been wanting to buy for ages. Our house is small and crammed full of all our crap. He’s always been bothered by the clutter more than I am. I think his overall level of frustration on the baby making front is making him less tolerant of other things. So, he wants me to get the furniture so the house will be more organized AND because he’s starting to worry about a possible home study. While I’ve been dying for the new furniture myself – spending the money right now scares the hell out of me. We’ve been working so hard to pay for the medical bills and pay down our other debt, the thought of adding several thousand to the credit card or the home equity line freaks me out! So, in summary, I’m overwhelmed. My mind is spinning will all the crap I need to get done and yet I feel paralyzed and can’t seem to get anything done!

Calgon, take me away!!!

I know I just REALLY dated myself with that one. :)

5 comments:

chicklet said...

I've never been so incapable of doing anything as I am now with infertility. It sounds like an excuse, but it feels to me like there's so much responsiblity and deadlines with that, that the other life stuff just sits cuz it's too much. Hope things get better this week for ya.

SULLY said...

Oh honey...deep breaths. You can only do so much! I am just coming off a TWO YEAR vacation from the RE! He looked at my chart yesterday and realized I just LEFT mid stream last time I saw him.

Anyway...do what is best with you. If its throwing it all away and taking a break DO IT. If its trudging forward come what may...DO IT. Only you know what you can handle and are capable of.

Good luck!

Princess Peach said...

wow, you have a lot going on...sending peaceful vibes your way....

Hang in there.

Lea Bee said...

((((bean)))) i'm looking forward to meeting with you. after my last m/c my hubs went full court press on adoption too. i think its at least something they think they can control a little more.

Waiting Amy said...

Oh Bean, I so know how you feel. It is most overwhelming. I wish we all were free of the financial binds of IF, as it makes everything infinitely more involved. And I totally know how trying to care for a child complicates things. Sometimes I feel so emotionally empty, yet here is this precious being who needs my attention. IT WILL GET BETTER.

Lots of deep breaths. Take a bath if it helps, go ahead and buy that Calgon!