Friday, July 6, 2007

Wearied

Well, I’m back from the 4th of July festivities and it wasn’t really bad at all. Will I never learn? Looking back, I know that I have a bad habit of anticipating the worst and (with the exception of the IVF failures) things are almost never as bad, or even bad at all, as I imagine they might be. Not only was there no mention of my SIL’s miscarriage, but there was even less tension amongst the family than usual. Basically, we swam, we ate, we drank (I drank a lot, but luckily not TOO much), and then we went to bed. Oh, and I washed a lot of dishes to keep myself occupied (with 14 people in one house there’s no end to the dirty dishes). Still, driving back home last night all I could think about was the fact that there is an extremely high probability that the SIL will be pregnant again soon, and will probably have another baby long before anything is resolved for us. I really don’t know how I’ll get through that! I suppose I should be grateful that we don’t see them all that often.

The other thing causing me great angst right now is trying to decide what to do concerning my RE. We haven’t met with him yet to discuss the latest failure, or next steps. In fact, I haven’t even called to schedule the meeting. Throughout the past year+, my RE has insisted that I’m a good candidate for IVF and that my only problem is my blocked tubes. Of course I hope he’s right, but after a pregnancy ended in a blighted ovum, a cycle in which no eggs & sperm fertilized, a failed ICSI cycle, and now a chemical pregnancy, I just wonder if it isn’t time to start ruling out other possible problems. I think I’m scared to meet with him, because based on what he’s said in the past I don’t think he’ll agree with me. And if he doesn’t I know that I really need to find a new RE to at least ask about a second opinion. But just the notion of picking a new doctor, waiting to get the first appointment, getting my records transferred, and doing all of it with no insurance makes me feel ill. It seems like it’ll be such a struggle and I’m already so darn tired and worn out from everything. Maybe in a couple of weeks I’ll feel better, but I know I should take care of it now – every day matters in the IF fight, right?

And even without that stuff to do, my to do list is growing by the minute. Many of the items on it are related to the fact that my daughter is starting Kindergarten in 2 months. Not only am I having a hard time dealing with the fact my baby is actually starting school soon, but I never thought I’d be sending her to Kindergarten and closing in on her 5th birthday without having produced a sibling for her!

My God, I’m so tired of being sad.

6 comments:

Amy said...

Oh, Bean I know how you feel about watching your child pass major milestones and having no sibling. J just turned 4 and seems so big and grown. I want him to learn how to nurture a little sibling. It is so diffficult. And it seems no matter what we do, we just can't win.

Be good to yourself, and I'm glad the holiday wasn't too gruesome. Getting a 2nd opinion might not be as tough as you think. A little bit of a pain, but if you find a nice office it should be smooth. Wishing you luck and good thoughts.
(waiting) Amy

CAM said...

Give yourself time to grieve over what has happened and then meet with the RE. You may be surprised and maybe he/she has another option or idea on which direction to travel.
You said it best with the two words "tired" and "sad." That sums up all of this. This whole IF ordeal just beats us up something terrible.
You will find the strength to go on and keep up the fight. We are all here to support you.
:)

Shelli said...

I stumbled on your blog and I cried reading the last paragraph in your post. I am also in the void which is secondary infertility, and just had my 4th miscarriage last week. The sadness seems unending, and at the end of the day what breaks my heart the most is my four year old asking me why he doesn't have a brother or sister.

It's hard not to lose faith, I am aware of that today more than ever. But if you have the will to move forward, you have to take it as far as you can go. Take some deep breaths and do what is in your heart.

Bookmarking your blog as it is hard to find others to relate to.
Peace and good wishes.... Shelli

LJ said...

I'm so sorry that you're having a tough time right now, especially with the bittersweet joy of seeing your baby grow up.

I don't think you need to sympathize with the SIL. Sometimes we just need to take care of ourselves. I'm glad you're doing that. Wine does indeed help.

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