Confessions

Last night I finally fessed up and told my husband about this blog. And by that, I mean he knows it exists. He does not know what I've written or how to find this place. Fortunately, he didn't ask, because I would have felt a little guilty saying no. But I really want this to be a place where I can say anything, even complain about him or his family if need be. It may seem silly or odd, but I was nervous about telling him about this. Hubby values his privacy more than anyone I've ever known. He would be perfectly happy if we had told no one about our efforts to have another child. We have told our parents and it was easy to convince him to do so for practical purposes (grandparents have provided childcare during surgery, weekend procedures, and my mom took me for one transfer when hubby was out of town). However, he does not know that I have told a few of my friends. Do I feel guilty about this? Hell yes, and everyday. It's not that I don't think it's wrong. However, it has seemed to me the best way to preserve his incredibly intense need for privacy while allowing me a little support from a few friends. It's hard enough to pretend to most of the world that nothing's out of the ordinary. So, it's very comforting to have a few people with whom I can bitch and complain and even cry.

Despite this deception, in no way do I view his need for privacy as any less legitimate or valid than my need, just different. We have very different personalities and the issue of privacy is probably the area in which we differ the most. I do often feel guilty about how I've chosen to handle this and maybe I'm wrong, but it is the decision I've made. As for this blog, the ONLY reason my name is not on this blog is because of my husband. Personally, I would have no problem telling the whole world what we’re going through. In fact, it would make it a lot easier if I didn’t have to walk around pretending that things are “OK”. But, because of hubby I’ve kept our names out of it.

Given all that background, I was half expecting to have to defend my decision to create the blog and to have to remind him many times that there’s no personal identifying information on it. Well, of course I told him it’s anonymous, but I didn’t have to repeat it. And he was actually quite happy for me. Told me he could see it was helpful to me and he was really glad I’d found this support network that clearly meant a lot to me. I’m always telling my husband that he should be less pessimistic about human nature, that he’s too quick to assume the worst in people, and he shouldn’t always expect negative reactions from people. I guess I need to take my own advice.

As for this cycle: Tomorrow I go in for the dreaded ultrasound. Oh how I hate them! I'm really hoping that tomorrow I'll be able to write about how wonderfully I’m responding to this new protocol. Keep your fingers crossed!