Tuesday, June 19, 2007


Wow -- First of all, I need to thank Mel for organizing the commentation (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2007/06/welcome-to-commentathon.html), because I know it's the reason I just got more comments on one day's post than all the previous comments put together. But I also am so grateful to all the folks who've come to visit and wish me well, and to all the bloggers who are willing to share their stories, their heartaches, and their joys with the rest of us. I wish I was a better writer so I could do justice to how wonderful and important it is to be part of this community of fabulous, caring, thoughtful women. Though, I guess the number of people who have blogs and post comments on blogs suggest that you all already know that. I don't want to get all mushy about it, but it really nearly brings tears to my eyes. I never would have guessed what a comfort this could be for me.

Things kind of suck right now. On the one hand I'm grateful to even be in a place where I was able to do another IVF cycle, get some eggs and actually get to be in a 2ww. On the other hand, I'm absolutely terrified. I'm terrified of a BFN, and truthfully, I'm terrified of a BFP. Because if the first test is positive, then I have to wait an agonizing week to see if test #2 is positive, then I have to wait another agonizing two weeks to find out whether or not there's a heartbeat. I know I will be lucky if I have to deal with that, but it also scares the shit out of me. At the same time, work is really kicking my ass right now. I'm behind, my team's behind, we're all panicking and my supervisor doesn't seem to realize there's a problem. So, I'm working late, not getting much sleep and generally stressed out. And, that stresses me out more, because I wonder if all the stress of work is sabotaging this cycle!

I'm really fucking tired, and I'm really fucking scared, and thank goodness you are all out there, because it really does help.

If I could type "thanks' a million times I would, but it's late, I'm tired, and I've still got a lot of work to get through tonight. So I'll keep it simple.



Leah said...

We definitely missed you tonight, it was a wonderful time. Looking forward to meeting you at the next gathering.

I'm sorry that everything is so stressful for you right now. I can't wait to hear the results from this latest cycle, I really hope this is the one for you.

Thank you SO much for your comment. It helps enormously to know that we are not alone!

BestLight said...

Wow, Bean. You sure have a lot on your plate right now.

May all things resolve well.

P.S. Your daughter is beautiful!

(I'm assuming that's her on your blog.)

Anonymous said...

I'm in the same boat as you Bean, 2ww's are murder on the old nerves! Therapy should be provided as part of the process, don't we just need it!

Wishing you LUCK, LUCK and more LUCK that you get a positive :)

Your daughter is really gorgeous!

Don't forget to drop by again soon, k :)

X Artblog

Caro said...

I'm loving the commentathon as well. I'm also sending you lots of hope that this cycle works out.

Tam said...

Oh I so know the feeling, I'm scared shitless too, of many things. We'll be with you through this 2ww and although it's still hard and you'll still feel alone, we will be here :)

Good luck with work and try not let it get to you too much.

Hugs xxx

Tuesday said...

If you had typed 'thanks' a million times it would have been an extremely long post. :)

I second being grateful for support from others. I have a very small following and it's what keeps me sane.

Also, hi.

Stacie said...

I'm sorry about all the stress and fear. I hope that all the fear of this cycle turns into a healthy pregnancy. IF just sucks.

serenity said...


Fingers crossed here and that the fear loosens in a bit.

You're not alone.

M said...

Hey neighbor. Life is stressful enough without IF. Wishing you some happiness.

decemberbaby said...

So familiar, being scared either way. I hope you get to be scared over a bfp for a change!

Cece said...

I'm in the 2WW for my last DIY cycle before IVf... when are you testing??? Maybe we are cycle buds.

Good luck!

Carrie said...

I know the damned if I do, damned if I don't feeling too. Its all so scary.

Hope this 2WW wait isn't too torturous and ends happily.

Matthew M. F. Miller said...

I hope you feel better soon, and I hope you have a good way to rid yourself of stress.

I find tennis calming because I get to hit things really hard and nobody gets hurt.


CAM said...

I totally agree with you on how comforting this blogging can be. I look forward to reading everyone's comments and posts so much. The best thing is having people out there who feel the same way you do. Most people in our day to day life just don't get it. This is where we find complete empathy! :)

Hez said...

Wishing you lots and lots of luck. I'm hoping like crazy for you!

chicklet said...

YOu're dead on with the commentathon, it's really well-timed. It's helping in ways I didn't think it could - and to think I almost didn't sign up out of laziness! Good luck on the cycle, and on just enduring all of this crap in general.