A year ago tonight, on what I thought was a pretty stupid whim I took a pregnancy test that came out positive. It was only three days after our initial consult with a new doctor at a new clinic and it was a completely unexpected surprise. We were pretty excited for about a week. Then things started to go bad.
One year later and I feel oddly like I'm in a similar place. I know that I'm not. When things started looking fishy last year I was only 5 weeks along, we never saw a heartbeat. Right now I am 2 days short of 11 weeks and I've seen a lovely flickering heartbeat 3 times already. Nevertheless, I feel a little like I did one year ago today (before things went downhill). I'm happy and excited to be pregnant, and I can't help but think about the future and what our life might be like in another 30 weeks. But I'm also still scared.
For my birthday yesterday I got a nice big check in the mail from my parents and a generous Amazon gift certificate from other family members. Money is a little tight these days because like or not we have to assume the best and start planning for how we'll finance maternity leave. Therefore, I intend to use the birthday money and gift certificate to buy some new clothes. But as I was telling that to my husband last night I also commented that there is no way I'll be buying anything until after the next scan in 12 days, and that would be the earliest. I don't think I'd realized until that moment just how nervous I am.
I'll confess that I have bought 1 thing for the baby. But that was the day I saw the heartbeat for the third time and I was feeling giddy and optimistic. Plus, I rationalized that if something goes wrong I can always gift it to someone else.
November 11th is the date of my next appointment and I can tell you it won't get here fast enough for me.
In my ongoing efforts to try and remember the bright side of life. I will report that my husband did surprise me last night with some yummy cannoli and a gift certificate for a spa manicure, pedicure, and a massage. He also brought home a chocolate truffle cake that he says will be part of a better though belated birthday celebration over the weekend.