Monday, April 21, 2008
Jealousy
Ironically, a few days ago, right on the heels of my last post I ran into a man that I know because our kids were in daycare together. He and his wife have two kids, one is a year older than my daughter and the other is about 3 months younger. Consequently, my daughter was alternatively in classes with each of them during her daycare years. When I saw him coming down the hall towards me I just wanted to run away. Why you ask? He and his wife are now expecting baby #3—and according to the rumor mill this was completely unplanned and unexpected. This man, in fact the whole family, is really nice. I’ve been to countless birthday parties with him or his wife and always enjoyed talking with them. And, in fact, when I saw him the other day we did end up having a long and pleasant conversation about our kids, home repairs, kindergarten, homework, etc. And yet, as I walked away I thought about how when I see either him or his wife the hallway I just want to run and hide. I don’t want to see them or talk to them or think about their baby on the way. And that makes me really sad, because six months ago I would have been perfectly happy to see either of them and would have looked forward to talking with them. I know it shouldn’t but when I see them it just plain makes me sad.
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3 comments:
I know that sadness well, it's round me all the time at the moment. I am normally a great sleeper but last night I kept half-waking, my mind turning to TTC and jealousy and exactly what your post speaks of. I decided to self-ban myself from some forums and places that I have been a regular - it is just too painful to see sigs and info about people well on their way to #3, whose #1 is younger than my nearly 4 year old DS....
And what makes me even sadder is that for me it is a cumulative thing. Not going to places where there will be too many bumps or "perfect" families; not contacting old friends and acquaintances, not going to the gym at certain times because of pregnancy classes or pregnant instructors, now this. I hate this self-limiting and wonder where it will all end...
It is sad that this IF thing makes us change our behaviour towards people, it's so hard not to.
Why on earth would we do something that would hurt us? So we don't, but it creates a gap between us and others, and it's a gap we can't do anything about.
We just have to hope that our time will come and we can get through the quicksand we are stuck in.
My husband tells me all the time that one persons pregnancy or children have nothing to do with us and to try and let it go. But- I can't. Seeing these people is a constant reminder of what I CANT DO! I cannot watch them rub their bellies or talk about feeding schedules. I have lost touch with so many good friends because they are raising their families and I am not...and I cannot sit by and watch them do it. You are right, its all so sad.
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