Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Spring Time

A year ago, after a 4 month break, we were in the middle of IVF #3. I was so optimistic. I’d decided that during the break I would try to take back control of my own life. It was springtime and I felt great. I had lost 10 pounds and I’d started acupuncture. I truly felt as though my body and my mind were ready to make #3 the one that would work. And it was springtime, what better time to make a new life. I was optimistic and full of hope, and since I’d been through it twice already I really didn’t have any anxiety about the injections, blood draws, or other tests. Also, after the disaster that was IVF #2, we were set for using ICSI, which just felt like a little extra insurance. But despite my confidence and my hope, all we got for our effort was a big fat nothing! I should have known better, but I was stunned. The day of the beta I was of course nervous. Of course I used all the right words when I talked about it – IF, IF, IF. But in reality when the nurse called and told me it was negative I was completely blown. I’d really felt like the stars were aligned and I couldn’t have been more surprised to hear that it hadn’t worked.

Fast forward one year.

In the year since that disappointing cycle I did a mini-stim IVF cycle that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. My daughter started kindergarten. We started filling out paperwork for adopting from China. I found a new clinic and doctor. I turned 38. I was diagnosed with homogenous MTHFR and started taking high dose of B vitamins and baby aspirin. I had a surprise pregnancy and then a miscarriage. I gained back the 10 pounds I lost plus 6 more. I started my 5th cycle only to have it cancelled. I started taking metformin. I went back to the acupuncturist (money be damned! I need the stress relief). And now, here I sit, barely finished with my current period, and I look forward a few weeks and think about starting another cycle. I need to call the nurse to get the meds ordered and the insurance dealt with. I’m happy that spring is here and in many ways my mood has improved immensely as the temperatures have risen and the world has turned green and pink and purple and red. I LOVE spring, I always have. And I’m glad that I only have about 3 weeks until we start our next cycle. And I really, really hope it works. But the excitement and optimism that I felt last year are not here. I feel so differently now that it almost seems as if years, not just a year, have passed since last April. I have two IVF cycles left with insurance coverage. If we don’t succeed with one of them we’re done trying to do this with any medical assistance. I’m hoping that this springtime cycle is kinder to me. I’m hoping that I get and stay pregnant, that we have a baby, and then we adopt. I’m hoping we end up with three children. I know it’s greedy, but I don’t care.

7 comments:

Shelli said...

I have two insured cycles left too (for IVF). And, we also started China adoption (although I haven't blogged much about it yet... we are still working out the funding).

I hope this Spring is kinder to us than past ones. I'd be starting with you in three weeks, but our family is going on vacation in May... so I am waiting out one more cycle. Looks like my ferility road we be over by the end of the summer if nothing sticks.

Is it me, or does it seem there are so few of us left anymore? Maybe I need to find some more SIF blogs to read. lol.

B said...

Repeated failures sure knocks the stuffing out of you doesn't it? It is so hard to think that the next time 'might be the one' when all the others have failed...I am in exactly the same boat as you.

I hope this spring is the fresh start you need and that fantastic news is coming your way.

Meghan said...

Hoping all those same things for you!

deanna said...

Spring is definitely the perfect time to renew hope, and I am hoping LOTS for you!!!

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Jess said...

I'm here via Mel's roundup...

I hope you end up with 3 children, too...we were on our second IVF after almost 3 years and everything failed, and found we were pg the same week as our agency matched us with our daughter's birthfamily, so it CAN happen!! :)

I hope it does for you. It's a lot of work, but it's work well worth it.

beautycourage said...

I'm here via Mel's roundup too- your post really spoke to me, I just had my 5th IVF failure, am considering another round and adoption as well. After so many failures, hope seems like a luxury I can't afford to have any more. The downside is too crushing. But spring always comes around, doesn't it? It's still beautiful and growing. Something good must happen.... -Dot