Spring Time

A year ago, after a 4 month break, we were in the middle of IVF #3. I was so optimistic. I’d decided that during the break I would try to take back control of my own life. It was springtime and I felt great. I had lost 10 pounds and I’d started acupuncture. I truly felt as though my body and my mind were ready to make #3 the one that would work. And it was springtime, what better time to make a new life. I was optimistic and full of hope, and since I’d been through it twice already I really didn’t have any anxiety about the injections, blood draws, or other tests. Also, after the disaster that was IVF #2, we were set for using ICSI, which just felt like a little extra insurance. But despite my confidence and my hope, all we got for our effort was a big fat nothing! I should have known better, but I was stunned. The day of the beta I was of course nervous. Of course I used all the right words when I talked about it – IF, IF, IF. But in reality when the nurse called and told me it was negative I was completely blown. I’d really felt like the stars were aligned and I couldn’t have been more surprised to hear that it hadn’t worked.

Fast forward one year.

In the year since that disappointing cycle I did a mini-stim IVF cycle that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. My daughter started kindergarten. We started filling out paperwork for adopting from China. I found a new clinic and doctor. I turned 38. I was diagnosed with homogenous MTHFR and started taking high dose of B vitamins and baby aspirin. I had a surprise pregnancy and then a miscarriage. I gained back the 10 pounds I lost plus 6 more. I started my 5th cycle only to have it cancelled. I started taking metformin. I went back to the acupuncturist (money be damned! I need the stress relief). And now, here I sit, barely finished with my current period, and I look forward a few weeks and think about starting another cycle. I need to call the nurse to get the meds ordered and the insurance dealt with. I’m happy that spring is here and in many ways my mood has improved immensely as the temperatures have risen and the world has turned green and pink and purple and red. I LOVE spring, I always have. And I’m glad that I only have about 3 weeks until we start our next cycle. And I really, really hope it works. But the excitement and optimism that I felt last year are not here. I feel so differently now that it almost seems as if years, not just a year, have passed since last April. I have two IVF cycles left with insurance coverage. If we don’t succeed with one of them we’re done trying to do this with any medical assistance. I’m hoping that this springtime cycle is kinder to me. I’m hoping that I get and stay pregnant, that we have a baby, and then we adopt. I’m hoping we end up with three children. I know it’s greedy, but I don’t care.