Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Still Hurts

Interesting how little things can still hurt.

Deep down I have known for some time that even if this pregnancy is successful, there will always be a part of me that will be a little bit bitter and jealous when I see a woman with a pregnant belly or a family with 3 or more kids. Even though I know that some of them may have endured what I've been through, or worse, the fact of the matter is that the vast majority of women don't suffer through infertility or repeated miscarriages. While I have come to "know" a lot of women who do thanks to this wonderfully supportive online community. IRL most of the women I know haven't had to deal with these issues.

Of course, it is true that my bitterness and jealousy tend to be reserved for strangers (or people I don't like ;). With good friends who I care about those emotions tend to fade.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned here that my sister-in-law is pregnant. We've known since very early on. This weekend I found out through my other sister-in-law that she's having a boy. Hearing the news over the phone that way -- from the other SIL-- didn't really affect me too much. But for some reason when I checked our email the other day and saw "It's A Boy!" in one of the subject lines, it took my breath away. Now, I should say that this has not been an easy pregnancy for them and it follows on a couple of miscarriages, so I'm sure they are incredibly happy to have gotten this far and to be able to share such happy news. And I am truly happy for them. I think maybe that being able to hear the unbridled joy of that message just made me sad because we still feel like we have a long way to go before we get there.

I really didn't mean to make this another "I'm so scared... whoa is me" post. Really I was just surprised at my own reaction to some news that I already knew.

7 comments:

Elana Kahn said...

Oh I hear you 100%. I also still get a twinge when I hear about other people getting pregnant, but usually only when I know the baby was easily conceived. I know someone who got pregnant after 1 year of trying and without fertility treatments, had a baby boy (who is now a year old) and is currently 8 weeks pregnant with #2. She did have a very early m/c the month before she got pregnant with her 1 year old, but it still feels like she had it easy. On the other hand, her baby had a cleft palate and needed surgery...so as my dad would say, "Everyone has their tzorus". (Tzorus means problems in Yiddish.)

Meghan said...

You never know when it's going to hit. Sometimes I can hear news and be just fun, other times it's like a kick to the gut.

Penny said...

Normal. I got news yesterday about a friend who got accidently pregnant with her 3rd. She's due in Mar, already knows it's a girl, yadda yadda. I couldn't help but get a little frustrated.

Anne D. said...

Enduring repeated bad outcomes makes us scared, and feeling scared over a period of time can make us super-sensitive and angry. I totally understand.

When I got pregnant (an unlikely surprise) after we adopted, I was fanatically sensitive to my fellow travelers from the infertility/adoption community. It was painfully awkward for me to inform them of our news, and I held off until my belly could no longer be denied. Because I knew that pain myself: "Why did *she* effortlessly conceive when I couldn't?"

I wrote an essay on my infertility experience for the Boston Phoenix and would be happy to scan and share it with you. You can e-mail me at hennypenny (at) cox (dot) net if you're interested.

Not in the Water said...

Bean-

Thanks for the comment....I just read your history...any idea about the m/c's? No luck with reason for mine...and I feel for you with the SIL being pg. Mine is too and I know she did IVF for it but it still sucks.

holly said...

I just found your blog while researching cysts on both ovaries. I am inspired to say the least! Congratulations on your amazing journey.

I am so worried b/c I am 40 and just finished my 4th round of clomid and first IUI with yet another BFN.

I am on CD35 and still no period. I had a trigger of Ovidrel 22 days ago and IUI 20 days ago.

I just switched to an RE this week. Today they did an US and BW to figure out what is going on. THe tech saw a 'very small cyst' on each ovary. She also thought my lining looked a little funky like maybe there were fibroids (but nothing large.)

We are supposed to start injectibles after this round of testing and then move to IVF after 2 more rounds of IUI. Any helpful info or insight you could provide would be much appreciated!!

holly said...

oh if you want to email me i attached my email this time...
thanks!