Interesting how little things can still hurt.
Deep down I have known for some time that even if this pregnancy is successful, there will always be a part of me that will be a little bit bitter and jealous when I see a woman with a pregnant belly or a family with 3 or more kids. Even though I know that some of them may have endured what I've been through, or worse, the fact of the matter is that the vast majority of women don't suffer through infertility or repeated miscarriages. While I have come to "know" a lot of women who do thanks to this wonderfully supportive online community. IRL most of the women I know haven't had to deal with these issues.
Of course, it is true that my bitterness and jealousy tend to be reserved for strangers (or people I don't like ;). With good friends who I care about those emotions tend to fade.
I'm pretty sure I've mentioned here that my sister-in-law is pregnant. We've known since very early on. This weekend I found out through my other sister-in-law that she's having a boy. Hearing the news over the phone that way -- from the other SIL-- didn't really affect me too much. But for some reason when I checked our email the other day and saw "It's A Boy!" in one of the subject lines, it took my breath away. Now, I should say that this has not been an easy pregnancy for them and it follows on a couple of miscarriages, so I'm sure they are incredibly happy to have gotten this far and to be able to share such happy news. And I am truly happy for them. I think maybe that being able to hear the unbridled joy of that message just made me sad because we still feel like we have a long way to go before we get there.
I really didn't mean to make this another "I'm so scared... whoa is me" post. Really I was just surprised at my own reaction to some news that I already knew.