I'm stunned right now. I don't know what to think or who to talk to so I'm coming back here. I know I've neglected this place for too long. But right now I need a safe place.

I just found out that earlier today the 9 year old son of a very old friend of mine died. He contracted H1N1. It went to his heart, his heart stopped beating and he was put into an induced coma. I don't know much more than that. I do know that he had underlying health problems, nevertheless, it's got me scared to death.

I haven't been in touch with this friend much over the past several years. We exchange Christmas cards and that's been about it. We exchanged a few emails this summer when she finally got on Facebook, but that's been the most direct contact we've had in ages. In fact I'd been sort of peeved that I never got even a card or an email after Ben was born. God, who cares.

Her little boy and my daughter share a birthday. He was born via emergency c-section after her placenta abrupted at 30 weeks. Exactly 2 years later my daughter was born via emergency c-section after my placenta abrupted at 32 weeks. I remember after my daughter was born thinking that until then I had no appreciation for what she and her husband had gone through after the birth of their son. This will sound horrible, but I can't help but think I never ever want to be able to appreciate what they are going through right now. I can't hardly believe it. It's just wrong. I keep thinking about what I can send or write or say and there isn't anything that makes sense. Flowers, food, words just seem so stupid and useless - they lost their son.

I just went to check on the baby in the next room, again. He's sleeping peacefully in his crib. My daughter is racing around the house like a banshee. A week ago my friend would have been juggling the demands of her 3 sons. Now she has two. I just can't wrap my mind around this at all.