Last Year

One year ago yesterday I was sent to the hospital. I was 26 1/2 weeks pregnant and my cervix was short and soft. I can still remember so vividly the anxiety I felt when the ultrasound tech told me she needed the doctor to come in and take a look and the panic that struck as I sat in the doctor's office while he called the hospital. I know exactly where I was standing in the waiting room when I called my husband and somehow choked out the words that he needed to come home and drive me to the hospital. I even remember exactly where I was on the drive home when I called into work to tell them I wasn't coming in and probably wouldn't be for a long time.

I also remember how nice all the nurses were when we arrived at the hospital. I remember calling my mother and convincing her she did not need to fly back from Florida and how awful it felt when my husband and daughter went home for the night that first night.

I ended up staying in the hospital for 7 1/2 weeks before I was sent home for more bedrest.

I am now exhausted thanks to an adorable 10 month who doesn't sleep well, but I am so grateful for the hospital, the nurses and doctors, the insurance coverage, and my flexible employers, all of which allowed me to keep baking that baby until he was ready to come out.

And thanks to everyone who commented here and on facebook or came to visit me in the hospital for helping to keep my spirits up. It was all worth it.

Snow My!

I'm sitting here typing and watching the snow blow around outside. I used to love snow. After the past week - not so much anymore. But it is pretty. The baby is napping and the kids -- meaning my daughter and my husband ;) -- are downstairs playing Wii. I've been so neglectful of the blog lately, but it's not because I don't have lots to say. There seems to be a constant swirling of thoughts in my head that I'd love to get down on paper, but unlike the snow outside my window, they never seem to settle anywhere. Between the baby who won't stay asleep and the 7 year old and the job and the commute and the husband, on the rare occasion that I find some time to type anything out I'm just too damn tired. Plus, it's almost as though with so much time past and so many thoughts floating around up there I just don't know where to start.

But today I felt like it was time to check in.

The tiredness.

I'm really tired of talking about how tired I am. Really I am. I finally have a small shred of hope that sometime soon it won't be the uppermost thought in my head. Ben is scheduled to get ear tubes put in on February 26th. Since November, the poor kid has just had a series of ear and sinus infections. He's now on his 5th round of antibiotic since early November. We went to see an ENT last week. He told me that he felt things were still "borderline" in terms of Ben's history with regard to recommending tubes. He said we could opt to do it if we wanted to be aggressive, but that we could also wait 4 to 6 weeks and see if the fluid in his ears went away on it's own. We hadn't really made a decision, but I did go ahead and schedule a followup appointment for 4 week out just in case. The on Saturday his eyes started seeming a little goopy. Sunday there was more goop, but it wasn't horrible and I did not want to go out with the roads still covered in snow. But when he woke up from his nap on Monday and both eyes were crusty I knew we had to go in. Turns out not only were his eyes infected, but he has another ear infection. As soon as I got home I called the ENT's office and asked if this changed the doctor's opinion at all. A nurse practitioner called me back pretty quickly to tell me the doctor did think this "tipped the balance" in favor of putting in tubes now. So, we are scheduled and I'm really hoping that no only does this keep him from getting the recurrent infections, but that perhaps he'll start sleeping better too.

In retrospect I probably should have suspected another infection because late last week he started refusing to nurse, again. He never gets fevers with these things and he's so good natured that we never even suspect he has an infection. When he was diagnosed with the sinus infection is was because I was complaining to a nurse (who'd called me about a form being ready) at the pediatricians office about his sleep habits and she suggested we bring him in. 24 hours after finishing the course of antibiotics for that his nose was runny again. I thought I was being paranoid, but I called and they had me bring him in and he still had the sinus infection. After the 2nd course of antibiotic was done he was still coughing a lot. Again, this time it was my husband who was worried, but I humored him and called the doctor's office. They told me to bring him in and guess what? Ear infection. That time the doctor told us to go ahead and schedule a 2-week followup to make sure it got knocked out. When we went back in the infection was gone, but there was still fluid in his ears, so that's when they told us to go see an ENT. Oh, but where was I, back in last December in the middle of the sinus/ear infection mess, he suddenly stopped nursing during the day. It started with the biting (ouch!) and then he would just cry when I offered him the boob. Except in the middle of the night. So all of a sudden I was pumping round the clock and nursing him at 2am or whatever time he happened to wake up. Then about the 2rd week of January, just as suddenly, he went for my boob one day and all of sudden we were back to nursing again. But for the past 5 days I've been pumping during the day and nursing in the middle of the night again. I'm used to pumping at work, but boy do I hate having to pump when I'm actually home with Ben.

So that's our boring little saga, which I truly hope will be ending on February 26th. I know we're lucky because ear infections and ear tubes are not that big a deal, but chronic sleep deprivation really sucks.