Karmic Payback

I knew I was tempting fate by actually saying and writing that the mammogram was no big deal. When I got home from work last night there was a message on our voicemail from the radiology center asking me to call back. For once I was actually hoping it was some insurance issue. I just called and it turns out they want me to come back in for more films due to some "thick tissue" on one side. Of course they can't see me until Monday. Of course I went straight to Dr. Google. It seems that thick tissue makes it more difficult to identify abnormalities on a mammogram. I'm going to try to remain calm. (ha ha ha) I now have almost exactly 96 hours in which to try to not panic and imagine all sorts of worst case scenarios. Thank you universe, I really needed something else to deal with right now!

Firsts

In the last few days I've had a few firsts. My first meeting with a therapist, my first mammogram, and my meeting with a "wellness coach".

I had intended to put up a post right away to give my very first impressions of these firsts, but Ha Ha, I should have known better. Though I don't think my thoughts on these have changed much, so what I'm about to write will probably be pretty similar to what I would have written 2 days ago.

I'll start with the easy one - the mammogram. Aside from making me feel old, it really was no big deal. So I'll risk saying that I don't get all the angst about them. Not that I love having some stranger grabbing my boob and mashing it down in a machine, but it really didn't hurt. In fact, I'd have to say that the worst part was having to hold my breath while the technician took the picture.

The appointment with the therapist was ok. She was nice and I felt comfortable talking to her. Though I'll pretty much tell anyone anything if given an opening. (The only reason I'm sort of anonymous here is because my husband would have a cow if I went "public" - plus I don't want to risk certain family members stumbling across all this.) So, I talked a lot and she talked a bit, and I suppose that's how those things go. I made another appointment for 2 weeks from now because she's going to be on vacation next week.

Despite liking the therapist, I felt disappointed after I left. It took me so long to get to this place and now I'm ready to tackle things. And there are a lot of things to tackle. While I definitely think there will be a benefit in the long-term from talking and working through this stuff with her, I'm wanting to take action, to move, to address stuff head on, not just talk. I want to get myself assessed for ADD, I think I want to get my daughter assessed too, I'm pretty sure we'll need to bring my husband in to talk about the parenting issues and some of the marriage issues, and I mentioned all those things, but that's as far as it went. She didn't offer to meet with us together, she said, "maybe you could talk with someone or go to a parenting class". She suggested maybe seeing psychiatrist for the ADD stuff. Mind you this is a full service counseling center that offers all of these services and more. One of the reasons I choose to go there even though they don't take my insurance was because of the one-stop-shopping. I'm feeling just a tad overwhelmed and the notion of having the built-in support and ease of dealing with these issues in one place was very reassuring. I realize her job is not to tell me what to do or do anything for me, but I guess I was hoping for someone who might at least volunteer some suggestions or referrals. I'll definitely go back for another appointment. I just need to figure out if I need to readjust my expectations or find someone else to work with. Sigh.

That leads to my last first, the "wellness coach". It may seem weird that I met with the therapist and wellness coach back to back, so let me 'splain. I actually signed up for the session with the coach through the fitness center at my work. I thought it would be focused on fitness and diet and I could definitely use some help here. I signed up thinking it would be a one-time meeting and hoped to discuss how to design realistic fitness and nutrition regimes for myself. Oh, but she was so much more. First of all she was super nice. Second, she made me cry, several times! She actually asked me some questions that I had expected the therapist might have asked me. But the thing I really liked is that she is action oriented. She is a coach, not a therapist, so when I walked out of the meeting I had two goals set for myself the next two weeks and another meeting scheduled with her.

I know I can't afford to keep seeing both of these women for very long, but I'm going to do a few sessions with each and see how I feel about things.

A Long Time Coming

Yesterday I finally made the call. On Monday I have an appointment with a therapist.
I have so many things to deal with that I really don't even know where to start. I know that finally calling and making the appointment, despite being worried about where it might lead and stressing over how to pay for, it is a good first step. Though it is probably a step I should have taken years ago.

In addition to my mental health, I'm also playing catch up on medical appointments. I saw the dentist last week, saw the gynecologist yesterday, and I see a new dermatologist in a week. Funny thing about all those intrusive exams and specula I dealt with during the years of infertility treatments -- instead of making my annual pap seem like no big deal, I actually dread it more than ever. I didn't have to wait for the doctor for very long, but by the time she came in I was sweating and my whole body was completely tensed up. Thank goodness the doctor is very nice, very quick, and overall it wasn't all that uncomfortable. Still, if I never saw another speculum as long as I live you wouldn't hear me complaining.

Back to the mental health stuff. One of the things I plan to talk about with the therapist is how to deal with our daughter's behavior. She's been winning the battles and we're all losing the war. She's actually been ok lately, but even on our best days it feels like a constant struggle. I suspect that at some point very soon my husband and I will go in together to discuss this, but I wanted to go to this first session alone and just be able to dump out all my issues at once and see where it makes sense to begin.

Tears and Nausea

No, I'm not pregnant. I'm just dealing with my typical end of summer blues. It always starts the same with the knowledge that "oh, it's August already". I try to focus on the bright side of the return to a "normal" schedule for Lucy and to help her get excited about a new school year, new teacher, getting to see friends again, etc. But it never works very well. The icky gnawing feeling in my stomach starts and I find myself ultra sensitive and on the verge of tears for about 2 weeks.

This year seems a bit worse. Ben has already transitioned to a new classroom at daycare and it's ok, but not great. He wails every morning. As we enter the classroom he begins shaking his head back and forth and saying "no, no, no, no, no". I love the tight hugs. The feel of his little arms around my arms and his head resting on my shoulder is the best. But he doesn't know the teachers yet and he won't be distracted by the toys and so at some point his new teacher pulls him off me and I try to be cheery and stoic as I leave, but it's a rotten way to start the day.

Lucy had a great summer. She spent most of it in the care of a teen-aged babysitter who she adores. The vast majority of their time was spent at the pool. They had a great time and I feel like I missed out on all the fun. There's some other stuff I'm feeling very blah about too, but I'll save that for another post.

I know that once school starts a lot of these feelings will dissolve away. We'll get busy with homework and ballet and tap and soccer and swimming. (Yes, I'm probably crazy to let her do all those activities, but if she had her way she'd also be taking hip hop classes, piano, and drama classes!) We have an EIGHTH! birthday party to plan and of course the holidays will approach like a speeding train. I guess like my own kids its the anticipation and the transition that's hard for me, once we're on the other side I'll feel better.

But this mood is making it hard to be a blog reader. Everyone seems to be writing things today that make me cry!