Unbelievable

So I went in for my annual Pap yesterday (though it's actually been 2 years since my last). It started out well enough, the nurse was nice and when I asked if my results could be faxed to the RE's office, she told me that she'd had a friend who went there and ended up with twin girls. She seemed super nice and asked about my daughter and chatted about her own daughter and her grandchildren while she updated my chart. Then for some reason I don't understand she tell me that the friend, who is actually a friend of her daughter's, who had the twins via IVF went back to work after having her twins. She goes on to say, that her daughter's reaction was "I don't know anyone could parent that way" and then adds she doesn't understand how this woman could hire a nanny, especially since the twins were premature.

I was truly speechless. I had said nothing to this woman about my own work status. (I work outside of the home fulltime, by the way, AND my daughter was premature!) Frankly, I'm still dumbfounded that this woman would say this to a complete stranger, especially not knowing whether I worked or what I thought of such things. Yet, I said nothing to her, and I'm still mad at myself for not saying anything. While I admit to be a serious conflict avoider, I really was just shocked. In fact, I don't think I said another word to her. Shortly after that she left the room and I not certainly not sorry to see her leave.

Lonely

By far the primary reason that I haven't written much in the past couple of months is that I've been unbelievably busy at work. But I have to confess that I haven't really felt inspired either. In some ways a lot has been happening--adoption paperwork, tests for the new doctor, and house repairs--but in some ways I feel like nothing's happening. I realize it's the difference between doing what seems like administrative things versus actual treatment. In some ways its good, the pressure has certainly been off -- no 2 week waits, no shots, not many appointments or ultrasounds. But I also have been feeling as if I've stepped back a bit from the whole infertility world a bit. And now that I actually have the time to read a few blogs and am seeing how many people have gotten pregnant or are in the middle of a cycle I confess I feel a bit left out. And I know THIS will sound crazy, but I can't even join in the complaining about treatments or the angst over 2WWs, etc. I think I may even understand a bit the feelings those lucky ones who have found themselves pregnant express about not being sure of their place in this world. It's unfortunate that what's brought many of us together is the shared pain and frustration of infertility, but at the same time it helps create a pretty unique and powerful bond. And I get that no matter why--including the good fortune of a healthy pregnancy--to feel that bond and support system slipping away is difficult. So, I feel a bit sad that the bond seems to be slipping or weakening for me right now. I suspect that as my time frees up and I can post, read, and comment more often, I'll feel this less. In fact, just writing this post makes me feel a bit better. I guess it's a little like dating-- I just need to put myself out there more. ;)

I think I can, I think I can....

keep up with this blog. I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since that last post. So, I guess I'll just give another update. We're still working on all the paperwork for the adoption. It's slower going than we'd like, but we are making progress. Arranging for the home study is the next thing to do -- I'll confess THAT makes me very nervous.

I went in for my day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound last week. I have to say I was again very happy and impressed with the new doctor & clinic. They may be big and run like a factory, but as far as I can tell, it's a well-run factory and the people are really nice. I also had my HSG yesterday. Not so pleasant, but at least it's over. Next up is some more blood tests and then a followup visit on the 26th.

Long Time No See

Wow, I know I've been MIA lately, but even I didn't realize how long it's been since I last posted! I'm slowly trying to catch up on all the news in the IF blogging world, but still don't have tons of free time to read or comment. Nevertheless, I thought I'd actually post something today in an effort to try and get back into the swing of things. So here's an update on what's been going on with me the past month.

First a quick update of things unrelated to the baby quest.

Work continues to be very busy and stressful. While there is an end in sight for my current project, I recently found out I have been staffed to a new project that will be very difficult for a variety of reasons. No rest for the weary!

I'm still adjusting to my new schedule: up at 5:15, arrive at work at 6; workout until 7; work until 4:15; drive home and pick up daughter. On the bright side I like the morning workouts and I've worked out more in the past 3 weeks than I have in the past 3 years. I'm hoping this will help me shed the 15 pounds I gained last year! However, I haven't exactly adjusted my bedtime yet, so getting up that early is taking a toll.

My daughter started Kindergarten a few weeks ago and yesterday was her 5th birthday! I'm still in shock a bit about both of these events. Fortunately she's quite happy at her new school and even had a very successful playdate with one of her new friends this past weekend.

And now for the update on BabyQuest 2007

Well, we're moving forward on 2 fronts and the long to do lists are making me dizzy.

We submitted our adoption application (we opted for an agency that deals solely with Chinese adoptions) and are now busy trying to schedule a home study and gathering all the required paperwork, which is no small feat. As if I haven't been poked and prodded enough in the past 2 years, I went last week for a full physical and to have my doctor fill out the gazillion page form that's required. The appointment went well and they were very accomodating, but still when I picked up the completed form the other day I noticed they didn't fill it out quite the right way (and the Chinese government is particular!), so now I need to find time to get back there. Along with all the other stuff I need to do. We really have written a long "to do" list, and while it's daunting, we actually are making progress.

I also had a very positive appointment at the Super Giant Fertility Clinic and so far I'm very pleased with everyone I've dealt with. In a nutshell, the doctor had several theories about what might be going on and we agreed to a whole lot of diagnostic tests (with repeats of some I had done a year and a half ago, including an HSG). Hooray! This is pretty much what I wanted. Someone to acknowledge that there's a problem and try to figure it out! Right now I'm justing waiting for my period so I can schedule the day 3 bloodwork and the HSG. One big challenge is getting my husband back on board. He's willing in theory, but his spirit took a beating with the previous 4 IVF failures, so he's nervous.

One surprising thing has come of all this. Husband has for years been clear about wanting only two children, for many reasons that I won't bore you all with. Now, however, he's suddenly interested in three. I think the struggle to have another child really made him realize how much he loves being a dad. After the happy appointment with the new RE, my husband told me that even if things work out on that front, he doesn't want to stop the adoption process. He's also said if it doesn't work, we should plan to adopt 2 children. I'm not at all upset by this turn of events. I always wanted a bigger family, but part of me does think I wished he'd figured it out before we were nearly 40!

Well, time to get back to the crazy world of work. I'll try not to let another month pass before the next post. :)

The Countdown Begins

Well, last Wednesday I picked up my records from my RE. On Friday I finally made person-to-person contact with the new clinic and I actually got an appointment for this coming Thursday! I know that this transition may be difficult and I may need to repeat some procedures and tests, but I'm glad to at least be getting in the door. This in-between time has been weird. Part of the reason I haven't been posting, reading, or leaving comments is that I've been really, really busy at work. But I have to admit that part of it has been being in this weird in-between place. Not only am I not in the middle of a cycle (with treatment), but I'm not approaching one or even recovering from one. Because of this, I don't feel as though I've got so much that I'm dying to say. I'm sure that will change soon!

A Snail's Pace

Well, I finally contacted the Super Giant Fertility Clinic to try and schedule an appointment with a new RE and now I'm waiting to hear back. I finally called to get copies of all my medical records from my former RE, and now I'm waiting until I can get over there to pick them up. I mailed the adoption application last week, and now we're waiting for who knows what's next. I went to Home Depot because we need a new storm door (after I put my hand through the glass a few weeks back I covered the opening with Saran Wrap so the bugs wouldn't get in. Of course, I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and I used the lavendar colored stuff. Our house looks like some serious red necks live here), and now I'm waiting for them to call and schedule a time to come measure. Tomorrow I'm going to call a contractor because we need an estimate for some work on the house. No doubt that will involve even more waiting. I should feel good about all the first steps I've taken, but it would be really nice to actually get something ACCOMPLISHED!

No Man's Land

OK, so I'm officially the worst blogger ever! But between being busy at work and the "between REs funk" that I'm in I haven't been able to muster up the energy to write lately. Generally I'm feeling frustrated about our situation. I feel like I'm back where I was two years ago, when I knew there was a problem, but was waiting for an appointment with my OB and then waiting for the insurance stuff to sort through before we could take action. I really feel like I'm in no man's land right now. Perhaps if I actually picked up the damn phone and made an appointment with a new doc I'd feel better, but for some reason I'm really nervous about doing it. Not sure if it's the money I'm worried about, or maybe I worried that a new doc would actually find something and wouldn't be as optimistic as my former RE has been. UGH. I think I just need to take the plunge, I know I'll feel better once we're back on the road to treatment. I guess I'll move making the appointment up to #1 on my to do list.