I'm stunned right now. I don't know what to think or who to talk to so I'm coming back here. I know I've neglected this place for too long. But right now I need a safe place.
I just found out that earlier today the 9 year old son of a very old friend of mine died. He contracted H1N1. It went to his heart, his heart stopped beating and he was put into an induced coma. I don't know much more than that. I do know that he had underlying health problems, nevertheless, it's got me scared to death.
I haven't been in touch with this friend much over the past several years. We exchange Christmas cards and that's been about it. We exchanged a few emails this summer when she finally got on Facebook, but that's been the most direct contact we've had in ages. In fact I'd been sort of peeved that I never got even a card or an email after Ben was born. God, who cares.
Her little boy and my daughter share a birthday. He was born via emergency c-section after her placenta abrupted at 30 weeks. Exactly 2 years later my daughter was born via emergency c-section after my placenta abrupted at 32 weeks. I remember after my daughter was born thinking that until then I had no appreciation for what she and her husband had gone through after the birth of their son. This will sound horrible, but I can't help but think I never ever want to be able to appreciate what they are going through right now. I can't hardly believe it. It's just wrong. I keep thinking about what I can send or write or say and there isn't anything that makes sense. Flowers, food, words just seem so stupid and useless - they lost their son.
I just went to check on the baby in the next room, again. He's sleeping peacefully in his crib. My daughter is racing around the house like a banshee. A week ago my friend would have been juggling the demands of her 3 sons. Now she has two. I just can't wrap my mind around this at all.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
5 Months and 7 years.
Yesterday, Ben was 5 months old -- I can hardly believe it. But an even more shocking reality is that my daughter turns 7 on Friday!
The funny thing is that right now all the things Ben learns to do are cause for celebration -- hooray, another milestone reached. But with my daughter it is so bittersweet watching her grow up now. It is so obvious in the language she uses and the attitudes she adopts that she is growing up, but so often it just seems like a little kid mimicking the big kids she's around all day. It's the little things that make me catch my breath and want to hold her and wish everything would slow down. The other day we were getting ready to go somewhere and she wanted her hair in a ponytail. Instead of asking me to do it, I saw her get a hair band, put it around her wrist, pull up her hair and then pull the band off her wrist and onto her hair. Okay, it's not the first time she's put her own hair into a ponytail and it's not like she's just learned to drive, but there was something so familiar and so grown up about the way she moved her hands and did this one small act that made me pause and really look at her. She is still such a little girl in so many ways. She still snuggles with the stuffed giraffe that has been her favorite since she was about a year old. She still wants me to lay down with her at bedtime every night. She still has tantrums when she's overtired and she still loves to watch DVDs that she's been watching since she was 4. But she is also growing so independent and sure of herself in so many ways. I'm just not ready to have such a big girl. Honestly, it is hard to really remember her babyhood. But it is not at all hard to remember what it was like when she was 4 or 5, and suddenly here we are at 7!
My reading ballerina
As for Ben, well we've been working very hard on the sleep thing. I was about to lose my sanity, so I re-read Dr. Weiss.bluth's book and made my husband read the relevant section. I confess we are letting him cry a bit, which hurts my soul to hear, but fortunately he never cries for very long and we are making progress. He now naps 3 times a day at pretty regular times and bedtime has been moved up to between 6:30 and 7. Last night he slept 7 straight hours for the first time in almost a month!
He is rolling over from back to front quite regularly now. Though he first rolled from front to back he seems to have forgotten how now. He'll often get himself onto his belly and then whine once he's there. Though he's been teething for at least a month, his first tooth finally made it's appearance a week ago. We've tried Tylenol, ibuprofen, and ambesol, but nothing seems to give him much relief. He's a bit of a drool machine these days and he's always got his hands jammed into his mouth. That's no big deal, except when he does it during meal time!
We started rice cereal a couple of weeks ago and now feeding time is like a sport. Even when he eats it up well, he makes such a mess. After most bites of food he jams him hands into his mouth, and then rubs his hands all over the place, so we end up with one sticky mess of a baby. The other day after a meal he had cereal all over his hands, arms, legs, clothes, his face, and even in his ears! He also like to grab the spool and try to feed himself; he hasn't had much luck with that, but he keeps trying. His had made some progress with holding onto his toys and he is finally managing to get things other than cloth into his mouth.
I can do it myself!
Oops!
Future Opera Singer
Got her!
Almost there
In My Big Boy Clothes
I love my jumperoo
He'll hate me for this later
The funny thing is that right now all the things Ben learns to do are cause for celebration -- hooray, another milestone reached. But with my daughter it is so bittersweet watching her grow up now. It is so obvious in the language she uses and the attitudes she adopts that she is growing up, but so often it just seems like a little kid mimicking the big kids she's around all day. It's the little things that make me catch my breath and want to hold her and wish everything would slow down. The other day we were getting ready to go somewhere and she wanted her hair in a ponytail. Instead of asking me to do it, I saw her get a hair band, put it around her wrist, pull up her hair and then pull the band off her wrist and onto her hair. Okay, it's not the first time she's put her own hair into a ponytail and it's not like she's just learned to drive, but there was something so familiar and so grown up about the way she moved her hands and did this one small act that made me pause and really look at her. She is still such a little girl in so many ways. She still snuggles with the stuffed giraffe that has been her favorite since she was about a year old. She still wants me to lay down with her at bedtime every night. She still has tantrums when she's overtired and she still loves to watch DVDs that she's been watching since she was 4. But she is also growing so independent and sure of herself in so many ways. I'm just not ready to have such a big girl. Honestly, it is hard to really remember her babyhood. But it is not at all hard to remember what it was like when she was 4 or 5, and suddenly here we are at 7!
My reading ballerina
As for Ben, well we've been working very hard on the sleep thing. I was about to lose my sanity, so I re-read Dr. Weiss.bluth's book and made my husband read the relevant section. I confess we are letting him cry a bit, which hurts my soul to hear, but fortunately he never cries for very long and we are making progress. He now naps 3 times a day at pretty regular times and bedtime has been moved up to between 6:30 and 7. Last night he slept 7 straight hours for the first time in almost a month!
He is rolling over from back to front quite regularly now. Though he first rolled from front to back he seems to have forgotten how now. He'll often get himself onto his belly and then whine once he's there. Though he's been teething for at least a month, his first tooth finally made it's appearance a week ago. We've tried Tylenol, ibuprofen, and ambesol, but nothing seems to give him much relief. He's a bit of a drool machine these days and he's always got his hands jammed into his mouth. That's no big deal, except when he does it during meal time!
We started rice cereal a couple of weeks ago and now feeding time is like a sport. Even when he eats it up well, he makes such a mess. After most bites of food he jams him hands into his mouth, and then rubs his hands all over the place, so we end up with one sticky mess of a baby. The other day after a meal he had cereal all over his hands, arms, legs, clothes, his face, and even in his ears! He also like to grab the spool and try to feed himself; he hasn't had much luck with that, but he keeps trying. His had made some progress with holding onto his toys and he is finally managing to get things other than cloth into his mouth.
I can do it myself!
Oops!
Future Opera Singer
Got her!
Almost there
In My Big Boy Clothes
I love my jumperoo
He'll hate me for this later
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Ouch!
I know a baby who's getting his first tooth. I also know a baby who is going to lose his boobie privileges if he doesn't stop biting!
I tried to get a photo of the tooth, but couldn't.
I tried to get a photo of the tooth, but couldn't.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Still Here
No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Just not very good at time management and frankly just coping these days. In some ways I loved being home with the kids this summer, the one and only time we'll have that. But it was a lot harder than I'd expected. The Ladybug is not used to being home and I'm not used to having to keep her entertained and of course doing it while taking care of an infant is not so easy. School started this week and I'm both very sad that my one summer at home is over and I'm also relieved.
One month ago Ben was sleeping like a champ -- we had a week when we was sleeping between 7 and 9 hours a night. This went downhill from there and we are now back to coping with a baby up ever hour and a half to two hours. In addition after a nice 4-month honeymoon period, my daughter is finally expressing her frustration with the new family dynamic. There have been a series of meltdowns in the past 2 weeks with a lot of frustration expressed regarding the amount of attention she's getting compared to her brother. Everything seems to have come to a head in the past two days and the result is that I'm exhausted, frustrated, and feeling like pretty much the crappiest mother on earth right now. I've spent much of the past 2 days in tears. And just to add to the chaos did I mention that we adopted 2 cats a few weeks ago.
However, despite my crazy emotions I am trying to focus on the good moments. As of Labor day Ben began eating rice cereal and rolling over from his back to his tummy. He loves the cereal and slurps it down when I give it to him. My daughter was actually excited to start school again and seems to like her teacher so far. Here are some pictures because I'm too tired to write more.
One month ago Ben was sleeping like a champ -- we had a week when we was sleeping between 7 and 9 hours a night. This went downhill from there and we are now back to coping with a baby up ever hour and a half to two hours. In addition after a nice 4-month honeymoon period, my daughter is finally expressing her frustration with the new family dynamic. There have been a series of meltdowns in the past 2 weeks with a lot of frustration expressed regarding the amount of attention she's getting compared to her brother. Everything seems to have come to a head in the past two days and the result is that I'm exhausted, frustrated, and feeling like pretty much the crappiest mother on earth right now. I've spent much of the past 2 days in tears. And just to add to the chaos did I mention that we adopted 2 cats a few weeks ago.
However, despite my crazy emotions I am trying to focus on the good moments. As of Labor day Ben began eating rice cereal and rolling over from his back to his tummy. He loves the cereal and slurps it down when I give it to him. My daughter was actually excited to start school again and seems to like her teacher so far. Here are some pictures because I'm too tired to write more.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Big Ben
Yes, that's right, I let the Bee out of the bag. The Bumblebee's name is Ben. Around home he's also known as Benbee and Bubby. And he is my big boy. He'll be 15 weeks next Tuesday and he's already about 17 1/2 pounds. Just for the sake of comparison -- my daughter weighed 16 pounds when she was 9 months old.
In this first picture Ben is wearing an outfit that my husband wore when he was a baby. It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that the outfit is almost 40 years old! I took this photo almost 2 weeks ago and the outfit barely fit him. My husband wore the outfit when he was 6 months old.
Next a good sibling shot from a few days ago. My daughter is still in love with her brother and is constantly lifting him and kissing him and trying to do everything for him. Although given his weight she can't hold him for very long anymore.
And last but not least, a shot of the boy in his bouncy seat. He loves the darn thing so much that I'm replacing the batteries constantly!
In this first picture Ben is wearing an outfit that my husband wore when he was a baby. It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that the outfit is almost 40 years old! I took this photo almost 2 weeks ago and the outfit barely fit him. My husband wore the outfit when he was 6 months old.
Next a good sibling shot from a few days ago. My daughter is still in love with her brother and is constantly lifting him and kissing him and trying to do everything for him. Although given his weight she can't hold him for very long anymore.
And last but not least, a shot of the boy in his bouncy seat. He loves the darn thing so much that I'm replacing the batteries constantly!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sleep
Guess who slept for 7 straight hours last night??? Give up? It wasn't me and it wasn't my husband, but the Bee slept from 10pm until 5am! I couldn't believe it. Not that I'm foolish enough to expect a repeat tonight, but still I'm so excited over the possibilities. Stupidly, both my husband and I stayed up late last night--until about 1am. He was watching a movie and I was reading. Even so, just knowing that the baby had slept for 7 hours made the getting up a lot easier.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
12 Weeks
I can't believe that it's been 12 weeks since little Bee was born. I also can't believe how little I get done every day. I've got a thousand posts in my head, but never find the time to sit down and type out my thoughts. To be honest things have been a bit rough lately. We're still not getting great sleep; while it's a bit better than it was a 5 weeks ago, the Bee's sleep habits are really inconsistent and we still often have nights when he's up far too often. I know the lack of sleep is probably the main factor in why I've been feeling down -- not only am I exhausted all the time, but it definitely contributed to the entire family coming down with a cold. And let me tell you -- a baby with a cold doesn't sleep well! And because I'm paranoid about an 11 week old with a cold I took him to the pediatrician and it turns out he had an ear infection, so he's been on an antibiotic for the past week.
So we're all tired and grumpy. And while I may not be the most pleasant person to be around when I'm tired, my grumpiness is nothing compared to that of my husband and daughter when they are tired. I never knew anyone whose mood is more negatively affected by lack of sleep or food than my husband... until I met my daughter.
As a result of the tiredness and the colds and the grumpiness, we're not all getting along so well.
So the point of all this is that in addition to being frustrated by my own inability to get much done around the house (it is a disaster area), I'm feeling down and frustrated about my relationships with my husband and daughter. I know that this will pass, but still it sucks right now. It's also frustrating to know that it doesn't have to be so bad. My daughter spent the weekend with my parents, who love her but are definitely not blind to bad behavior. They described her as delightful the whole weekend. Within a few hours of returning home yesterday she was stomping her feet and acting generally rude because she didn't like what I was serving for dinner. And let's just say that it didn't end there. And today there's been more of the same. Sigh. And honestly I'm as frustrated with my own reactions to her as I am with her. So I just put up another behavior chart that we'll start using tomorrow. We used one from January until April with pretty good success, it gives her incentives to behave well and with a tool for monitoring her behavior I'm less likely to overreact when things don't go well.
But life is not all bad. The Ladybug has her good moments and these days a lot of them are with her brother. She adores him and is constantly wanting to hold him and kiss him and comfort him when he's upset.
As for the Bee. He is not exactly the easiest baby in the world, but not the hardest either. He's pretty vocal when he's unhappy, but I've figured out that he's generally only unhappy about three things -- when he's hungry, when he needs to burp, and when he's tired. The hungry I can satisfy, the burping might take a little while but can generally be resolved without too much delay, but the tiredness is tricky. He really can't/won't fall asleep on his own, so it's either I nurse him to sleep (most of the time) or we rock/sway/jiggle him to sleep. But all in all, I can't complain, he's pretty easily soothed. And he loves is big sister too. He probably gives her as many smiles as I get - and I feed him! He'll follow her around the room with his eyes and smile when she talks to him -- I think my husband might even be a bit jealous.
Well, both kids are asleep and so I'm going to bed myself. I'll finish with a few cute photos of my little man at 12 weeks.
So we're all tired and grumpy. And while I may not be the most pleasant person to be around when I'm tired, my grumpiness is nothing compared to that of my husband and daughter when they are tired. I never knew anyone whose mood is more negatively affected by lack of sleep or food than my husband... until I met my daughter.
As a result of the tiredness and the colds and the grumpiness, we're not all getting along so well.
So the point of all this is that in addition to being frustrated by my own inability to get much done around the house (it is a disaster area), I'm feeling down and frustrated about my relationships with my husband and daughter. I know that this will pass, but still it sucks right now. It's also frustrating to know that it doesn't have to be so bad. My daughter spent the weekend with my parents, who love her but are definitely not blind to bad behavior. They described her as delightful the whole weekend. Within a few hours of returning home yesterday she was stomping her feet and acting generally rude because she didn't like what I was serving for dinner. And let's just say that it didn't end there. And today there's been more of the same. Sigh. And honestly I'm as frustrated with my own reactions to her as I am with her. So I just put up another behavior chart that we'll start using tomorrow. We used one from January until April with pretty good success, it gives her incentives to behave well and with a tool for monitoring her behavior I'm less likely to overreact when things don't go well.
But life is not all bad. The Ladybug has her good moments and these days a lot of them are with her brother. She adores him and is constantly wanting to hold him and kiss him and comfort him when he's upset.
As for the Bee. He is not exactly the easiest baby in the world, but not the hardest either. He's pretty vocal when he's unhappy, but I've figured out that he's generally only unhappy about three things -- when he's hungry, when he needs to burp, and when he's tired. The hungry I can satisfy, the burping might take a little while but can generally be resolved without too much delay, but the tiredness is tricky. He really can't/won't fall asleep on his own, so it's either I nurse him to sleep (most of the time) or we rock/sway/jiggle him to sleep. But all in all, I can't complain, he's pretty easily soothed. And he loves is big sister too. He probably gives her as many smiles as I get - and I feed him! He'll follow her around the room with his eyes and smile when she talks to him -- I think my husband might even be a bit jealous.
Well, both kids are asleep and so I'm going to bed myself. I'll finish with a few cute photos of my little man at 12 weeks.
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