Really I should have called this entry the end of pumping. Actual nursing ended a few weeks ago and had a bumpy ride ever since just before Christmas. About a week before Christmas Ben started refusing to nurse. And by refuse I mean biting, hitting, and sometimes crying if I offered him a boob, except for during the wee hours of the night. All day long I’d pump and he’d drink from bottles, but late at night it was just as it had always been, the two of us in his dark room snuggled up and connected in a way that I loved. Then in mid-January one Saturday afternoon he seemed to be going for the boob, so I offered it and all of sudden we were back to nursing all the time (though of course he was getting bottles and I was pumping during the workday). That lasted for a few weeks and then in early February he just stopped nursing all together. He didn’t bite or cry, but just had no interest at all in nursing. So I went back to the pump full-time and for a couple of weeks I was able to pump enough that we only had to supplement with a little formula. But it got harder and harder for me to keep up with the pumping and so last night was my last pumping session. Today the pump has been silent and my boobs have stayed in my bra.
I’m sad.
I’ll never nurse a baby again. And even though Ben hasn’t been interested AT ALL, at least while I was pumping I could keep up the illusion that just maybe we weren’t done. But as I used the pump less often over the past couple of weeks my supply plunged dramatically. I think between the inconsistent pumping and the complete absence of any actual nursing, my body said enough is enough. The past 5 to 7 days I’ve hardly managed to get any milk out at all. It was one thing to keep up the pumping while I was home with a sick Ben last week and over the weekend, but to keep lugging the pump back and forth to work and have to pump in my office when I barely get any milk out just seems ridiculous. So, last night was my last pump. After about 15 minutes I’d gotten maybe a drop or two and I just decided I need to be done. But I’m working at home today and I keep seeing all the breast pump paraphernalia in the kitchen and the pump is still in there and it just makes me sad. I waited for so long wanting so much to have a successful pregnancy and to have another baby and to hopefully nurse. And I did and it was not wonderful all the time, because this time around I spent the summer outside or out and about a lot because this time around I had a 6 ½ year old too. There were times out in public in the hot summer weather when nursing wasn’t so fun, but overall I was happy that it was never really too difficult and then once my daughter went back to school and I was still at home for 2 months it was just great. And it was always wonderful in the evenings. Even in the middle of the night when I was up for the 2nd or 3rd time and exhausted, it was so great that I could offer him what he wanted, something that made him calm and happy.
I know I’m lucky it worked as well as it did for as long as it did, and even the pediatrician told me at Ben’s 9 month check up that anything more was gravy, but still I just wish it had lasted a little longer. I really wanted to nurse for a year and even once he quit, as much as I complained about the pump, I really hoped I could pump at least ½ his “milk” intake until a year. We’ve been supplementing pretty heavily the past 2 weeks and now he’ll be strictly a formula baby. Right now there’s a bottle in the fridge with not quite 3 oz of breast milk. It’ll be the last breast milk I’ll ever pump and the last breast milk Ben will ever drink. Every time I open the refrigerator and see it sitting on the shelf tears well up in my eyes. In fact, it’s took a lot of self control while I drafted this post not to go hook up to the pump, but I know it’s time. He’s fine with it, so I guess I should be. Partly I feel a little sad that I can’t keep giving him the same sustenance that I was able to give to his sister for a full year. But really it’s the milestone that it represents. My baby won’t be a baby much longer. He turns 1 in less than 2 months, he’s started to cruise along the furniture and eat table food, before long he’ll be a toddler not a baby. He’s my second and last baby and after every thing we went through to have our kids and to make sure they are healthy, I’m grateful. BUT, I always wanted more children and knowing that I’ll never be a mom to a baby again makes me so sad. And on a more intimate level I will simply miss that special bond and that time that was just ours.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Last Year
One year ago yesterday I was sent to the hospital. I was 26 1/2 weeks pregnant and my cervix was short and soft. I can still remember so vividly the anxiety I felt when the ultrasound tech told me she needed the doctor to come in and take a look and the panic that struck as I sat in the doctor's office while he called the hospital. I know exactly where I was standing in the waiting room when I called my husband and somehow choked out the words that he needed to come home and drive me to the hospital. I even remember exactly where I was on the drive home when I called into work to tell them I wasn't coming in and probably wouldn't be for a long time.
I also remember how nice all the nurses were when we arrived at the hospital. I remember calling my mother and convincing her she did not need to fly back from Florida and how awful it felt when my husband and daughter went home for the night that first night.
I ended up staying in the hospital for 7 1/2 weeks before I was sent home for more bedrest.
I am now exhausted thanks to an adorable 10 month who doesn't sleep well, but I am so grateful for the hospital, the nurses and doctors, the insurance coverage, and my flexible employers, all of which allowed me to keep baking that baby until he was ready to come out.
And thanks to everyone who commented here and on facebook or came to visit me in the hospital for helping to keep my spirits up. It was all worth it.
I also remember how nice all the nurses were when we arrived at the hospital. I remember calling my mother and convincing her she did not need to fly back from Florida and how awful it felt when my husband and daughter went home for the night that first night.
I ended up staying in the hospital for 7 1/2 weeks before I was sent home for more bedrest.
I am now exhausted thanks to an adorable 10 month who doesn't sleep well, but I am so grateful for the hospital, the nurses and doctors, the insurance coverage, and my flexible employers, all of which allowed me to keep baking that baby until he was ready to come out.
And thanks to everyone who commented here and on facebook or came to visit me in the hospital for helping to keep my spirits up. It was all worth it.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Snow My!
I'm sitting here typing and watching the snow blow around outside. I used to love snow. After the past week - not so much anymore. But it is pretty. The baby is napping and the kids -- meaning my daughter and my husband ;) -- are downstairs playing Wii. I've been so neglectful of the blog lately, but it's not because I don't have lots to say. There seems to be a constant swirling of thoughts in my head that I'd love to get down on paper, but unlike the snow outside my window, they never seem to settle anywhere. Between the baby who won't stay asleep and the 7 year old and the job and the commute and the husband, on the rare occasion that I find some time to type anything out I'm just too damn tired. Plus, it's almost as though with so much time past and so many thoughts floating around up there I just don't know where to start.
But today I felt like it was time to check in.
The tiredness.
I'm really tired of talking about how tired I am. Really I am. I finally have a small shred of hope that sometime soon it won't be the uppermost thought in my head. Ben is scheduled to get ear tubes put in on February 26th. Since November, the poor kid has just had a series of ear and sinus infections. He's now on his 5th round of antibiotic since early November. We went to see an ENT last week. He told me that he felt things were still "borderline" in terms of Ben's history with regard to recommending tubes. He said we could opt to do it if we wanted to be aggressive, but that we could also wait 4 to 6 weeks and see if the fluid in his ears went away on it's own. We hadn't really made a decision, but I did go ahead and schedule a followup appointment for 4 week out just in case. The on Saturday his eyes started seeming a little goopy. Sunday there was more goop, but it wasn't horrible and I did not want to go out with the roads still covered in snow. But when he woke up from his nap on Monday and both eyes were crusty I knew we had to go in. Turns out not only were his eyes infected, but he has another ear infection. As soon as I got home I called the ENT's office and asked if this changed the doctor's opinion at all. A nurse practitioner called me back pretty quickly to tell me the doctor did think this "tipped the balance" in favor of putting in tubes now. So, we are scheduled and I'm really hoping that no only does this keep him from getting the recurrent infections, but that perhaps he'll start sleeping better too.
In retrospect I probably should have suspected another infection because late last week he started refusing to nurse, again. He never gets fevers with these things and he's so good natured that we never even suspect he has an infection. When he was diagnosed with the sinus infection is was because I was complaining to a nurse (who'd called me about a form being ready) at the pediatricians office about his sleep habits and she suggested we bring him in. 24 hours after finishing the course of antibiotics for that his nose was runny again. I thought I was being paranoid, but I called and they had me bring him in and he still had the sinus infection. After the 2nd course of antibiotic was done he was still coughing a lot. Again, this time it was my husband who was worried, but I humored him and called the doctor's office. They told me to bring him in and guess what? Ear infection. That time the doctor told us to go ahead and schedule a 2-week followup to make sure it got knocked out. When we went back in the infection was gone, but there was still fluid in his ears, so that's when they told us to go see an ENT. Oh, but where was I, back in last December in the middle of the sinus/ear infection mess, he suddenly stopped nursing during the day. It started with the biting (ouch!) and then he would just cry when I offered him the boob. Except in the middle of the night. So all of a sudden I was pumping round the clock and nursing him at 2am or whatever time he happened to wake up. Then about the 2rd week of January, just as suddenly, he went for my boob one day and all of sudden we were back to nursing again. But for the past 5 days I've been pumping during the day and nursing in the middle of the night again. I'm used to pumping at work, but boy do I hate having to pump when I'm actually home with Ben.
So that's our boring little saga, which I truly hope will be ending on February 26th. I know we're lucky because ear infections and ear tubes are not that big a deal, but chronic sleep deprivation really sucks.
But today I felt like it was time to check in.
The tiredness.
I'm really tired of talking about how tired I am. Really I am. I finally have a small shred of hope that sometime soon it won't be the uppermost thought in my head. Ben is scheduled to get ear tubes put in on February 26th. Since November, the poor kid has just had a series of ear and sinus infections. He's now on his 5th round of antibiotic since early November. We went to see an ENT last week. He told me that he felt things were still "borderline" in terms of Ben's history with regard to recommending tubes. He said we could opt to do it if we wanted to be aggressive, but that we could also wait 4 to 6 weeks and see if the fluid in his ears went away on it's own. We hadn't really made a decision, but I did go ahead and schedule a followup appointment for 4 week out just in case. The on Saturday his eyes started seeming a little goopy. Sunday there was more goop, but it wasn't horrible and I did not want to go out with the roads still covered in snow. But when he woke up from his nap on Monday and both eyes were crusty I knew we had to go in. Turns out not only were his eyes infected, but he has another ear infection. As soon as I got home I called the ENT's office and asked if this changed the doctor's opinion at all. A nurse practitioner called me back pretty quickly to tell me the doctor did think this "tipped the balance" in favor of putting in tubes now. So, we are scheduled and I'm really hoping that no only does this keep him from getting the recurrent infections, but that perhaps he'll start sleeping better too.
In retrospect I probably should have suspected another infection because late last week he started refusing to nurse, again. He never gets fevers with these things and he's so good natured that we never even suspect he has an infection. When he was diagnosed with the sinus infection is was because I was complaining to a nurse (who'd called me about a form being ready) at the pediatricians office about his sleep habits and she suggested we bring him in. 24 hours after finishing the course of antibiotics for that his nose was runny again. I thought I was being paranoid, but I called and they had me bring him in and he still had the sinus infection. After the 2nd course of antibiotic was done he was still coughing a lot. Again, this time it was my husband who was worried, but I humored him and called the doctor's office. They told me to bring him in and guess what? Ear infection. That time the doctor told us to go ahead and schedule a 2-week followup to make sure it got knocked out. When we went back in the infection was gone, but there was still fluid in his ears, so that's when they told us to go see an ENT. Oh, but where was I, back in last December in the middle of the sinus/ear infection mess, he suddenly stopped nursing during the day. It started with the biting (ouch!) and then he would just cry when I offered him the boob. Except in the middle of the night. So all of a sudden I was pumping round the clock and nursing him at 2am or whatever time he happened to wake up. Then about the 2rd week of January, just as suddenly, he went for my boob one day and all of sudden we were back to nursing again. But for the past 5 days I've been pumping during the day and nursing in the middle of the night again. I'm used to pumping at work, but boy do I hate having to pump when I'm actually home with Ben.
So that's our boring little saga, which I truly hope will be ending on February 26th. I know we're lucky because ear infections and ear tubes are not that big a deal, but chronic sleep deprivation really sucks.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
milestones
Oh my -- I started this post back on Jan 20th. New proof that I suck at this whole blogging thing. I could blame it on the baby, but really I wasn't all that much better before he came along. But the reason for the post was to document a milestone. The day I started writing he was 39 weeks and 1 day. If counting by the day of month he hit the 9 month mark the following day, but if counting by weeks it was the day before. Either way, I can't believe my baby is 9 months (now 9 months and a few weeks!) old.
He had an uneventful appointment with the doctor. Only 1 vaccination and he only cried for a second. He weighed in at 23 1/2 lbs and is at the 90th percentile for his weight. He's 29+ inches = 80th percentile for height. His big sis was only 16 pounds, 5 oz at 9 months, so the ache in my back and arms is NOT in my head.
Little man is crawling all over the place and pulling himself up on anything that he can grab. I don't know if it's a boy thing or a coincidence, but he's already into things that his sister never even noticed. For instance, he'll go after and try to chew on any electrical cord within reach and shoes. He also is fascinated with the vacuum cleaner, the CD player in his room, and his humidifier. I just spent a ridiculous sum of money on a play yard which will take up probably half of our upstairs living space, but there's no way around it. There's no good way to keep him contained and even if there were, there's not a really good baby safe space in our house. Now if only it will stop snowing so that the play yard can get here.
The little guy exhausts me because he doesn't sleep well, and he exhausts me because now that he's mobile I can't take my eyes off of him, but he's damn cute and I really can't get enough of him.
He had an uneventful appointment with the doctor. Only 1 vaccination and he only cried for a second. He weighed in at 23 1/2 lbs and is at the 90th percentile for his weight. He's 29+ inches = 80th percentile for height. His big sis was only 16 pounds, 5 oz at 9 months, so the ache in my back and arms is NOT in my head.
Little man is crawling all over the place and pulling himself up on anything that he can grab. I don't know if it's a boy thing or a coincidence, but he's already into things that his sister never even noticed. For instance, he'll go after and try to chew on any electrical cord within reach and shoes. He also is fascinated with the vacuum cleaner, the CD player in his room, and his humidifier. I just spent a ridiculous sum of money on a play yard which will take up probably half of our upstairs living space, but there's no way around it. There's no good way to keep him contained and even if there were, there's not a really good baby safe space in our house. Now if only it will stop snowing so that the play yard can get here.
The little guy exhausts me because he doesn't sleep well, and he exhausts me because now that he's mobile I can't take my eyes off of him, but he's damn cute and I really can't get enough of him.
Friday, January 8, 2010
More Photos
Feeling the need to share a little cuteness. I'm feeling a bit better than I was yesterday, but I do have a few posts on things floating around in my head. Hope to get some of it typed out but that would require time (hahahahaha!).
On a more positive note I'll provide a few Ben updates. He now has 5 teeth (good for biting mom!) and is army crawling all over the place. He hasn't figured out how to get his legs in on the action, but he can pull himself all the way across a room with just his arms. His favorite food is plain yogurt. He's getting picky about other food and sometimes I have to dip it in yogurt to get him to eat it. He doesn't really like much with any texture yet, but he does seem to like the baby puffs -- if only he could get them in his mouth! I tried some mashed (but not pureed) banana the other day and he made the ugliest little face and then gagged and threw up all over me.
After not noticing them for almost 8 months, Ben has finally discovered the cats. He is obsessed and lunges towards them whenever he sees them. He also will twist himself almost completely around in the highchair to get a look at them.
Lucy is still 7 going on 17. Within a span of 10 minutes she can be begging to sit on my lap, hugging me and kissing me and then stomping around with such an attitude. She told me the other day "mommy, you just don't get it!" Sheesh, I thought I'd have a few more years before I got that kind of BS thrown at me. ;)
On the bright side she still adores Ben, and I'm pretty sure that she is his favorite person. He just squeals whenever she's around.
Without further ado here are some more photos from the past couple of months.
At Thanksgiving trying to get some good Christmas card photos.
Playing with the box is more fun than playing with the toys
Playing in the snow in front of the "clubhouse" her grandfather built her
A closeup from Christmas break
On a more positive note I'll provide a few Ben updates. He now has 5 teeth (good for biting mom!) and is army crawling all over the place. He hasn't figured out how to get his legs in on the action, but he can pull himself all the way across a room with just his arms. His favorite food is plain yogurt. He's getting picky about other food and sometimes I have to dip it in yogurt to get him to eat it. He doesn't really like much with any texture yet, but he does seem to like the baby puffs -- if only he could get them in his mouth! I tried some mashed (but not pureed) banana the other day and he made the ugliest little face and then gagged and threw up all over me.
After not noticing them for almost 8 months, Ben has finally discovered the cats. He is obsessed and lunges towards them whenever he sees them. He also will twist himself almost completely around in the highchair to get a look at them.
Lucy is still 7 going on 17. Within a span of 10 minutes she can be begging to sit on my lap, hugging me and kissing me and then stomping around with such an attitude. She told me the other day "mommy, you just don't get it!" Sheesh, I thought I'd have a few more years before I got that kind of BS thrown at me. ;)
On the bright side she still adores Ben, and I'm pretty sure that she is his favorite person. He just squeals whenever she's around.
Without further ado here are some more photos from the past couple of months.
At Thanksgiving trying to get some good Christmas card photos.
Playing with the box is more fun than playing with the toys
Playing in the snow in front of the "clubhouse" her grandfather built her
A closeup from Christmas break
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Trying
to cheer myself up. I could go on and on about all the things that are bothering me right now, but instead I'll post some things here that always put a smile on my face -- hope they bring one to yours too. One of the things I love about Ben's daycare center is that they routinely take lots of photos of the kids and send them out. These are all from his daycare center. The first and last are my favorites. He just looks so skeptical of Santa in the first, and in the last just so happy.
Tired
Tons of thoughts swirling in my head, but I can't ever find the time or energy to get them out.
Am tired and sad. Love the kids and am sooo grateful for them. I know I'm just damn lucky to have them, much less a home, a job, health insurance, healthy family, etc. But I'm dissatisfied. This is not how I envisioned my life. Too busy, too little time with the kids, no time for myself, no time to spend with my husband. I know a lot of this is coming from a place of sheer exhaustion. Ben still isn't sleeping particularly well and I'm averaging 4 to 5 interrupted hours of sleep a night. Also something set me off today that is so stupid I can't bring myself to say what it is, but still it's got me frustrated. I know I need to focus on what I have, but fuck it right now I just want to feel sorry for myself a bit.
I've got lots of Ben and Lucy updates and photos to post, will do it soon as that will cheer me up, but just needed to do something to get this out a bit - besides cry at my dining room table.
Thanks for listening.
Am tired and sad. Love the kids and am sooo grateful for them. I know I'm just damn lucky to have them, much less a home, a job, health insurance, healthy family, etc. But I'm dissatisfied. This is not how I envisioned my life. Too busy, too little time with the kids, no time for myself, no time to spend with my husband. I know a lot of this is coming from a place of sheer exhaustion. Ben still isn't sleeping particularly well and I'm averaging 4 to 5 interrupted hours of sleep a night. Also something set me off today that is so stupid I can't bring myself to say what it is, but still it's got me frustrated. I know I need to focus on what I have, but fuck it right now I just want to feel sorry for myself a bit.
I've got lots of Ben and Lucy updates and photos to post, will do it soon as that will cheer me up, but just needed to do something to get this out a bit - besides cry at my dining room table.
Thanks for listening.
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