Solidarity

Things at work are better than last week, when I was up late working every night, but I’m still facing tight deadlines and lots of stress, so I don’t have much time to spend reading or writing blogs. Nevertheless, I wanted to post a quick note about the get together for DC area bloggers and readers. I had been looking forward to it for so long that I was surprised to realize on my way there that I was a bit nervous. I’ve always been pretty shy, so meeting with a group of people none of whom I’d met in person was bit daunting. Those feelings passed pretty quickly though. It was great evening with a fabulous bunch of women. ‘Thanks’ to LJ for setting it up. It was such a relief to be able to talk out load about all this infertility crap with a whole bunch of people who “get it”. And the really great thing is that even though what brought us all together is something rather unhappy, we laughed a lot and had a great time. Now I can’t wait for the next one!

I’m Firing My RE

Yes, today’s meeting went as anticipated. Mr. “Talks A lot… NOT!” lived up to my expectations, so, once work slows down, I will begin the quest to find a new RE. One regret I have is that I couldn’t channel Donald Trump and end the meeting with a loud “YOU’RE FIRED!”* It would have felt good. Instead I smiled sweetly, said “thanks, I’ll be in touch.” Knowing full well that the only reason I will be in touch with the office is to request copies of my records.

It’s not that I dislike him. In fact, I really and truly hope that he’s right and there’s nothing else wrong with me than the effed up tubes. But I can’t continue to suffer failed IVFs with a doctor who refuses to consider that there just might be another problem lurking around. I mean just because there's no discernable pattern in my failures doesn't mean he couldn’t investigate the possibility of a specific problem. Instead he insists I’m a good candidate, tells me that my embryos look good and I respond well (though slowly) to the stimulation, and frequently reminds me that I HAVE had a healthy pregnancy before (albeit one that ended at 32 weeks with a premature baby). So even though the first IVF ended with a blighted ovum, during the 2nd we failed to fertilize, the 3rd was a BFN, and the 4th ended with a chemical pregnancy (and should I have to remind him about the blighted ovum before I had my daughter and that my pregnancy ended 8 weeks early?) I’m supposed to happily move on to another IVF attempt because I’m “a good candidate”. Who is he fucking kidding?! Ok, taking a deep breath now. The vent is over.

The only surprising (and almost amusing) thing about the visit was his response when I told him we were taking some time off and wouldn’t be doing ANYTHING, including any testing, for at least a few months. His response to this was something along the lines of (drum roll please) ‘well, many people find themselves pregnant when they do that… I’ve seen it happen, many times.’ Ok, he may be telling the truth, but still I couldn’t believe it. I mean my RE was practically saying “just relax, take it easy and you could get pregnant.” As if he has never seen my blocked up tubes! Or hadn’t just told me that things were so mixed up inside that he’s never gotten a good look at my uterus during the many ultrasounds I’ve had. I’m sure I’m overreacting, but HAHAHA, didn't I just get a load of assvice from, of all people, my RE!

However, despite the vent and all the exclamation points in this post, my mind is so consumed with worry about work and how I’m going to meet my upcoming deadlines that, for the most part, I really am feeling remarkably calm about this. And yet, there is a little area in deepest recesses of my brain muttering ”crap, crap, crap” and already compiling the list of things to do (1) research other clinics and REs, (2) call insurance company, (3) make an appointment, (4) get copies of medical records …..

*I feel the need to note that I’ve never actually watched an episode of The Apprentice.

Miles to go before I sleep.....

Honestly I have no idea what to say right now. Well, that's not really true. The truth is that I've got lots to say, but I'm busy with work (working late from home again this week) and I'm tired from it, so I just don't have the time or energy to write much. Nevertheless, I was feeling bad about neglecting the site, and, in all honesty, a bit worried that if I don't show my face around here every now and again folks will stop visiting! So here I am, at 2AM, tired and uninspired. One sad consequence of my busy work is that, in addition to not writing, I haven't had much time to get out into the blog world and read. I just know I'm missing all kinds of funny, insightful, and heartfelt posts. It's funny how quickly I got used to reading all the blogs and now that I haven't had time to for awhile I really miss them. On the bright side, being so busy really has taken my mind off of my infertility woes. However, I go see Dr. "Not Much To Say" on Thursday and I suspect after that visit I'll feel moved to write something.

Since I'm here I guess I'll give a quick update on the adoption front. We chucked the application from preferred agency number 1 after realizing that we'd have to sign a statement saying that we would not pursue a pregnancy while pursuing the adoption. Maybe this is normal, but I was flabbergasted. Bascially they're saying it could take 2 years or more before we can adopt a child, but we also have to put all our eggs (I know, really bad analogy) in their one basket. The husband did a little more research and found that preferred agency #2 has no such requirement (at least not that we could find on the application). Since we received the 2nd application we haven't done much. Oh, except order thousands of dollars worth of furniture!!!! I'm excited, but a bit freaked about how much we spent. But hubby is determined to get the house cleaned, organized and generally in shape prior to any possible home study and frankly, it really didn't take too much arm twisting to get me to agree to a bunch of new furniture.

Time to get back to work -- and soon bed! I'll post an update after my appointment of Thursday. I fully expect to be frustrated and full of venom!

Because I haven't had enough of doctors and needles in the last year...

Last night the hubby and I spent 2 and a half hours in the emergency room so that I could get two stiches in my hand. On our way out of the house to get some dinner I was pushing our storm door shut and somehow the glass shattered. Seriously, I still can't figure out how is happened, especially since there is a decorative metal grill(think VERY old 1950's storm door) in front of the glass. So we left my father-in-law (who arrived yesterday afternoon to stay with us because he has a meeting in the city today) behind to clean up the glass and take care of the child. Speaking of the child, she wasn't the least bit upset by the broken glass or my bloody hand, in fact she wanted to come with us to watch me get stitches, but began sobbing when she realized we wouldn't be joining them for dinner. Anyway... So the hand hurts, and I discovered that putting on a bra, putting on pants, and going to the bathroom are a bit more complicated with only one hand! Though, surprisingly, typing isn't too bad -- the range of motion is reduced, but I can still move the fingers well enough to type with two hands. All in all the emergency room experience wasn't so bad. The staff we dealt with were all very nice and a cut hand is definitely not such a big deal. Nevertheless, after the nurse looked me over and I was waiting to be seen I had quite an urge to cry and had to really fight back tears. It happened again while I was waiting to go to x-ray. Both times it came on so suddenly and I couldn't figure out why -- except perhaps that I really didn't need anything else on my plate right now!

Progress

Well, after my pity party the other night I woke up yesterday and actually got quite a bit done. I scratched many items off my 'to do' list, including making the appointment with my RE. I meet with him next week and this time I'm going alone. My husband is so fed up with the lack of information that he doesn't want to take 4 hours off of work to go spend 10 minutes with a guy who doesn't ever give us much info. At first I was annoyed, but now I'm really fine with it. We're both short on leave after a year of this stuff and whether we continue with IVF AND adoption, or just adoption, we're going to need to save up what we've got. Plus, hubby doesn't hide his emotions well, if he's annoyed at the doc it'll show and anticipating that will make me uncomfortable even before we get in the office.

Of course, life is not just hunky dory all of sudden. I still haven't made it to the gym and I feel like a beached whale. Also, I'm anticipating that after meeting with my RE I'll be quickly trying to schedule an appointment with a new clinic, AND I've got TONS of research to do on other insurance plans (as a federal employee I can switch at the beginning of the year and I'm hoping I might be able to get myself some additional coverage). And work is still insane.

I am beginning to feel, however, that the black cloud that descended with the last failed IVF is finally lifting a bit. I'm not quite so sad right now. In fact, I just found out that a colleague is pregnant and I emailed her to say congratulations. It's really amazing to me how the circumstances of every pregnancy affects how I feel. In this case, it's a woman who I really like (we worked on a team together for about a year) AND it's her first.

Gotta get back to work, but thought I'd update on my 'progress'.

Overwhelmed!!!

I know folks are going to get tired of my grumbling real soon. I'M getting tired of my grumbling! But I can't stop myself. Since my husband is also feeling pretty worn out and depressed I don't want to keep dumping my crappy emotions on him, and I don't have too many other people in "real life" that I can't talk to about this. Anyway, I'm feeling utterly overwhelmed by life right now. I'm still depressed about the last IVF, the state of our finances, and the overall uncertainty about all things IF related right now. And thanks to craziness at work, the 4th of July family get together, and generally having to be a mom to my daughter, I haven't even had a chance to crawl under the covers and cry my eyes out yet. My to do list is growing, growing, growing and I can’t seem to make any progress. I know we need a break from all the IF stuff, but at the same time I really want to talk to my RE and find out what he’s thinking. I also want to make an appointment with a new RE to get a second opinion. Yet, thanks to work, and my frustration and depression, I haven’t picked up the phone to even inquire about scheduling either appointment. I’m also realizing that I need to get the rest of my life in order. Between surgery and 4 IVFs in the last year, I haven’t done shit about the rest of my health. I’m about a year overdue for a Pap smear, and I haven’t been to the eye doctor in almost 2 years. My weight is at an all time high and I could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve worked out in the past 9 months. My husband is in full court press on the adoption front and just added a bunch of things to my to do list so we’ll have all the information we need for the application. Also, despite all the money we’ve spent, and anticipate spending on the adoption application and more IVF (unless they tell me something really unexpected I’m not about to give up on that front), hubby is pressing me to FINALLY order the dresser and armoire and bookshelf we’ve been wanting to buy for ages. Our house is small and crammed full of all our crap. He’s always been bothered by the clutter more than I am. I think his overall level of frustration on the baby making front is making him less tolerant of other things. So, he wants me to get the furniture so the house will be more organized AND because he’s starting to worry about a possible home study. While I’ve been dying for the new furniture myself – spending the money right now scares the hell out of me. We’ve been working so hard to pay for the medical bills and pay down our other debt, the thought of adding several thousand to the credit card or the home equity line freaks me out! So, in summary, I’m overwhelmed. My mind is spinning will all the crap I need to get done and yet I feel paralyzed and can’t seem to get anything done!

Calgon, take me away!!!

I know I just REALLY dated myself with that one. :)

Wearied

Well, I’m back from the 4th of July festivities and it wasn’t really bad at all. Will I never learn? Looking back, I know that I have a bad habit of anticipating the worst and (with the exception of the IVF failures) things are almost never as bad, or even bad at all, as I imagine they might be. Not only was there no mention of my SIL’s miscarriage, but there was even less tension amongst the family than usual. Basically, we swam, we ate, we drank (I drank a lot, but luckily not TOO much), and then we went to bed. Oh, and I washed a lot of dishes to keep myself occupied (with 14 people in one house there’s no end to the dirty dishes). Still, driving back home last night all I could think about was the fact that there is an extremely high probability that the SIL will be pregnant again soon, and will probably have another baby long before anything is resolved for us. I really don’t know how I’ll get through that! I suppose I should be grateful that we don’t see them all that often.

The other thing causing me great angst right now is trying to decide what to do concerning my RE. We haven’t met with him yet to discuss the latest failure, or next steps. In fact, I haven’t even called to schedule the meeting. Throughout the past year+, my RE has insisted that I’m a good candidate for IVF and that my only problem is my blocked tubes. Of course I hope he’s right, but after a pregnancy ended in a blighted ovum, a cycle in which no eggs & sperm fertilized, a failed ICSI cycle, and now a chemical pregnancy, I just wonder if it isn’t time to start ruling out other possible problems. I think I’m scared to meet with him, because based on what he’s said in the past I don’t think he’ll agree with me. And if he doesn’t I know that I really need to find a new RE to at least ask about a second opinion. But just the notion of picking a new doctor, waiting to get the first appointment, getting my records transferred, and doing all of it with no insurance makes me feel ill. It seems like it’ll be such a struggle and I’m already so darn tired and worn out from everything. Maybe in a couple of weeks I’ll feel better, but I know I should take care of it now – every day matters in the IF fight, right?

And even without that stuff to do, my to do list is growing by the minute. Many of the items on it are related to the fact that my daughter is starting Kindergarten in 2 months. Not only am I having a hard time dealing with the fact my baby is actually starting school soon, but I never thought I’d be sending her to Kindergarten and closing in on her 5th birthday without having produced a sibling for her!

My God, I’m so tired of being sad.

More Ways to Feel Bad

Timing is a funny thing. Just the other day, I read this post hot-forks-sharp-knives-and-rusty-nails over at Leah's blog My Dusty Ovaries and thought to myself "wow, I know exactly how she feels." But then I got some news that very night that really revealed the sorry state of my emotional health.

But first, some background. For at least the past year, prior to every family get together with my husband's family, I've spent a ridiculous amount of time worrying about whether my husband's brother and his wife will be announcing they are pregnant with baby #2 (they have a 2 year old) and how I will handle it. No one ever told me they were trying, but I had a feeling it wouldn't be long. Once again, my husband's entire family will be together for a few days around the 4th of July. Having JUST received confirmation that IVF #4 was a failure (yesterday, only one day before the big get together), I, of course, began worrying about the possibility of hearing "happy news" from the in-laws. But last night my husband told me something that I wasn't anticipating. It turns out I was right that they are trying for #2, but it also turns out that my sister-in-law just had a miscarriage. I don't know much about the circumstances, expect that it was very early and apparently they're "doing just fine".

The thing with which I'm struggling is that I can't seem to muster even a little bit of sympathy. I'm so wrapped up in my own problems that I truly have nothing left for anyone else. My poor husband did not relish delivering this news and I didn't disappoint. All I could think about was that I could not handle having to listen to any discussion of their miscarriage and that having to deal with everyone's sympathy for my SIL would push me completely over the edge. There are 2 main reasons for my thinking about this. One, my SIL is a bit of a prima donna, and, despite the fact that she went to business school and had quite the high powered job for awhile, at the best of times my BIL and much of the family treat her like she's made of glass. Second, while they have clearly told the entire family about their miscarriage, my husband refuses to tell anyone but his parents about our struggles. Now, do I think they don't deserve everyone's sympathy, including my own? No, they do deserve it, but I can't provide it right now. In fact, one of my first thoughts when I heard was "hell, at least they can get pregnant without major medical intervention!" Nor can I sit around and listen to everyone be ultra nice and sympathetic to her, while I have to pretend that I'm fine, when I am most decidedly NOT FINE! I'm so NOT FINE that I can't even come up with any decent words to describe how absolutely f*cking horrible I feel.

My husband drove with our daughter to his parents this morning, while I worked. The plan was that I would follow after work. I spoke to my husband on my way down this evening and according to him everything is fine there. I'm pretty sure that he understood what I was asking and that was his way of saying don't worry it's not a topic of conversation. Nevertheless, I have ZERO desire to go spend time with his family. They're not a bad bunch, but frankly, I find my MIL increasingly annoying (I'm sure it has nothing to do with my own sour mood over the past year!) and his brother and SIL have always annoyed me. Oh, and my SIL's sister, who is visiting from Japan for a year and whom I don't know at all, is there too. I do not want to make small talk and I do not want to pretend that I'm fine.

Luckily, I got a temporary reprieve from it all. And, not only did my husband endorse it, but he suggested it! (Thank goodness he understands!) Instead of driving to the in-law's house, I drove to my parent's house (all of 15 minutes from my in-laws). So, tonight I'm staying at my parent's, and I got a bonus of getting to spend some time with my sister (who is also in town with her family for the holiday). Tomorrow I'll have to face the music and head over, but at least I'll have gotten an extra 12 hours of coping with the latest bad news under my belt before having to put on a fake smile and playing nice.

Am I proud of how I feel? No. But, I will not beat myself up over it, because I already have enough reasons to feel lousy.

Back to the Beginning

Well, the numbers went down. I have to confess, as much as I kept telling myself to expect the worst, I was really hoping for the best. Despite my best efforts to be pessimistic, so that I wouldn't be devastated -- I'm devastated.

I can't even begin to think about what we do next. I'll post more soon, but I don't even know what else to say now.

Addendum:

And to add insult to injury -- since this potential pregnancy was the result of IVF, and, since my insurance coverage ran out after the last IVF, I got a bill for $430 for last week's and today's blood tests. ARGH!!!! Since I'm at work and I can't go get a beer, I'm going get myself the biggest bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper that I can find. And tonight I'm going to get on my elliptical machine and stay on until my legs won't go anymore. I'm depressed and tired, I don't know what to do and I can't concentrate on work, but one thing I do know -- if I'm not pregnant I sure as shit don't want to look it. Time to drop (again) the 10 pounds I picked up in the past month.