Thursday, March 6, 2008
So-So to Sad in 30 Seconds.
Funny the things that can turn your mood around in an instant. Today I’m wearing one of the two new fat dresses I bought this weekend. (I know I shouldn’t be so negative, but it’s true. I bought them because I can’t fit into most of my clothes and I’m sick and tired of wearing the same 4 outfits to work all the time.) Anyhoo. Both dresses have empire waists and full skirts. Good on many fronts – no waistline to worry about, no worries about tight fabric around the hip, thigh, & ass area. One dress is made of a stretchy lycraesqe fabric, the other more of a thin sweater knit. I was a bit concerned that the one that’s sweaterish would look like I was wearing a maternity dress. Well, I wore it yesterday and while at certain moments I’m sure someone might wonder. But it’s just so yummy feeling and I actually felt sort of stylish so I didn’t worry about it at all. Today I wore the one I wasn’t worried about – oh how foolish I was. Turns out THIS one makes me look about 5 months pregnant. Not sure exactly why, but yikes. So, naturally, I’ve been hiding out in my office most of the day. Of course I had to eat, so I ventured down to the cafeteria, sucking my tummy in as much as possible. Unfortunately, I ran into a woman I know, but haven’t seen in a few months. I swear it was worse than having men stare at your boobs. She could NOT keep her eyes from migrating down toward my belly and there’s no doubt in my mind that she thinks I’m pregnant. You know what, I wouldn’t care one bit if I actually WERE pregnant. But I’m soooooo NOT pregnant. And now I’m sad again. And while I don’t like the weight I’ve put on or how I look, that’s not why I’m sad. I’m sad because dammit I WANT to be pregnant. And I’m tired of wanting to be pregnant but not being pregnant. And I’m tired of choking out silly jokes or neutral answers when people ask if I only have one, or when are we going to have another. And I’m tired of hearing about and reading about everyone else’s pregnancy announcements, and I’m just fucking tired of it all. What I want, what most of us want, shouldn’t be too much to ask. I’ll admit right here and now that I don’t believe in god. I almost want to because I think it would make some things easier to cope with, but I just don’t and I can’t force myself to believe something that doesn’t make any sense to me. And I don’t believe in fate or destiny or things that are “meant to be”. And I don’t think that there’s anything anywhere that says the world or life is supposed to be fair. But right now I feel that life is unfair and I’m sick of it. I’m also sick of trying to cope and pretend to people like everything is normal. I’m tired to explaining the choices we’ve made to people who are supposed to love us and should just accept and support us. And I’m tired of being sad and angry and bitter and jealous and a lousy employee and a crappy wife and an impatient mother. And finally getting this all out makes me think that maybe I ought to call it quits and end it, but I know that I won’t because I’m still not ready to give up and somehow I need to figure out how to deal with it. But right now venting and crying feels like the right thing to do. Funny how a silly dress bought on sale could be the thing that made me cry for the first time since the cycle was cancelled. Stupid dress. I assure you I won’t wear it again until I’m either actually pregnant or at least 10 pounds lighter!