Thursday, March 6, 2008

So-So to Sad in 30 Seconds.

Funny the things that can turn your mood around in an instant. Today I’m wearing one of the two new fat dresses I bought this weekend. (I know I shouldn’t be so negative, but it’s true. I bought them because I can’t fit into most of my clothes and I’m sick and tired of wearing the same 4 outfits to work all the time.) Anyhoo. Both dresses have empire waists and full skirts. Good on many fronts – no waistline to worry about, no worries about tight fabric around the hip, thigh, & ass area. One dress is made of a stretchy lycraesqe fabric, the other more of a thin sweater knit. I was a bit concerned that the one that’s sweaterish would look like I was wearing a maternity dress. Well, I wore it yesterday and while at certain moments I’m sure someone might wonder. But it’s just so yummy feeling and I actually felt sort of stylish so I didn’t worry about it at all. Today I wore the one I wasn’t worried about – oh how foolish I was. Turns out THIS one makes me look about 5 months pregnant. Not sure exactly why, but yikes. So, naturally, I’ve been hiding out in my office most of the day. Of course I had to eat, so I ventured down to the cafeteria, sucking my tummy in as much as possible. Unfortunately, I ran into a woman I know, but haven’t seen in a few months. I swear it was worse than having men stare at your boobs. She could NOT keep her eyes from migrating down toward my belly and there’s no doubt in my mind that she thinks I’m pregnant. You know what, I wouldn’t care one bit if I actually WERE pregnant. But I’m soooooo NOT pregnant. And now I’m sad again. And while I don’t like the weight I’ve put on or how I look, that’s not why I’m sad. I’m sad because dammit I WANT to be pregnant. And I’m tired of wanting to be pregnant but not being pregnant. And I’m tired of choking out silly jokes or neutral answers when people ask if I only have one, or when are we going to have another. And I’m tired of hearing about and reading about everyone else’s pregnancy announcements, and I’m just fucking tired of it all. What I want, what most of us want, shouldn’t be too much to ask. I’ll admit right here and now that I don’t believe in god. I almost want to because I think it would make some things easier to cope with, but I just don’t and I can’t force myself to believe something that doesn’t make any sense to me. And I don’t believe in fate or destiny or things that are “meant to be”. And I don’t think that there’s anything anywhere that says the world or life is supposed to be fair. But right now I feel that life is unfair and I’m sick of it. I’m also sick of trying to cope and pretend to people like everything is normal. I’m tired to explaining the choices we’ve made to people who are supposed to love us and should just accept and support us. And I’m tired of being sad and angry and bitter and jealous and a lousy employee and a crappy wife and an impatient mother. And finally getting this all out makes me think that maybe I ought to call it quits and end it, but I know that I won’t because I’m still not ready to give up and somehow I need to figure out how to deal with it. But right now venting and crying feels like the right thing to do. Funny how a silly dress bought on sale could be the thing that made me cry for the first time since the cycle was cancelled. Stupid dress. I assure you I won’t wear it again until I’m either actually pregnant or at least 10 pounds lighter!


Anonymous said...

Why can't you let all your anger and sadness and frustration go and ENJOY AND LOVE your daughter and accept how blessed you are that you are already a mother? I am afraid you are going to be so miserable and miss the joy she can bring you. You will never be able to get back this time with all goes by too quickly.

Bean said...

Wow -- I'm not even sure where to start responding to that comment. I'll start of by agreeing that I do need to find a way to cope with the anger and sadness. HOWEVER, recognizing and admitting that I'm not terribly happy these days and that I'm not as patient as I'd like to be with my daughter, in no way means that I don't enjoy or love her. Despite the tone of my post and that fact that yes I am tired and my daughter notices that. I enjoy her tremendously and I couldn't love her more. And so, I DO know just how blessed I am to have her. I am not a one dimensional person and I assure you that I'm capable of having all the emotions I described about not being able get pregnant and have more children AND also find tremendous joy and comfort in the child I do have.

Shelli said...

Geez "Anonymous", hope you don't take this the wrong way... but what you said in that first sentence is what Moms like Bean and I find really NOT supportive at all. Secondary fertility is HARD especially when everyone in the world thinks that you are being ungrateful for wanting another child.

Bean, giving you a hug. I am there with you right now. Having the same emotions and just being so sick and tired of being sick and tired. But we can support each other and take each day ONE STEP at a time... finding a way to make sense of the emptiness while still loving our families and living life.

xo Shelli

Meghan said...

Wow--always nice when someone hides from their snarky comments. Well done anonymous.

Bean--I'm sorry you got the comment, anyone who has followed your blog or met you knows how much you love your little girl.

And I'm also sorry about the insensitive co-worker. It is so hard when everyone always assumes you're always gets really old!

Leah said...

Anonymous can bite me. That comment was just stupid and insensitive. Makes me want to open up a can of whoop ass, but that wouldn't really help anyway.

To say that I understand those feelings of being so. damn. tired. of it all is an understatement. I distinctly remember writing a post (at least one of them) about it. The good news is that once you've hit a stage like this, it's usually uphill from here at some point.

Please don't give up. I won't blow rainbows and daisies up your ass by pretending to know of God's plan or fate or that other crap that you don't buy into anyway. I'll just say that I bet even on your worst day you are 10 times the Mom that other people strive to be and it would be a shame if another child didn't get the benefit of enjoying that.

I truly have no idea the lengths to which we would have gone to have another child, but I suspect we would have done damn near absolutely anything. While I questioned that decision repeatedly, I simply knew that the pain I was feeling would be dwarfed in comparison to the cumulative pain I'd carry around forever if we didn't have another child (one way or another).

Please hang in there. I am so looking forward to seeing you on the 16th, but if you need a friend to come bring you some hot chocolate and a series of giant, warm hugs before then, just say the word and I'll be there.

Anonymous said...

Infertility is HARD and I am not being "Insensitive or stupid" If anything, I am truly trying to help you focus on what you have and try to stay positive. It is very disheartening for those out there with no children that have been trying for years to hear about people with children still wanting more. I am not minimizing your pain, just thinking you need to focus on what you have instead of what you don't. Many people out there would LOVE to be in your position. I NEVER once said you were a bad mother to your daughter. I don't want your sadness for wanting another baby to overshadow the joy of your current child. As you mentioned, she is noticing your behavior and I am sure she feels the stress in the house. I don't want you to look back 5 years from now and be sad at the time you lost with your daughter because you were obsessing about trying to give her a sibling instead of cherishing every moment of the life you have been blessed with.

notdancingqueen said...

Anonymous, I think you said it all when you said infertility is HARD. Whether or not you already have children doesn't make much difference - it doesn't make it harder or easier. It pretty much just sucks all around.

I've seen Bean enjoy and love her daughter ever since the day the kid was born - literally.

"Why can't you let all your anger/sadness/frustration go?" Well...because most people can't do that easily. Or overnight. Mourning is a process. Like anyone else, Bean has good days and bad days. And this is where she comes to "talk" - mostly to herself - when she has especially bad days.

It might be best if you'd respect this space and either be silent or be supportive *in the way she needs people to be supported* rather than dish out what you think she needs to hear.

And here's a little secret for you - no one who has children "cherishes every single moment" -- there are days you just want to smack the little buggers...and anyone who says differently is a big fat liar.

Allison said...

Don't pay any attention to the snarkiness (is that a word?) of anon posters. Not sure iif this is the same person that has been spewing her "you need to be positive" venom on another blog I frequent, but it sure sounds similar.

How nice to come onto someone's safe haven and tell them what they "should" be doing. How wonderfully helpful.

Anyway, moving on - I have several empire-waisted outfits, but only wear them when I am having a good day. I work with mostly women in their 50's and I know they mean well, but they aren't into current trends and think that everyone of childbearing age should be pregnant. So I know I'll get the comments on the days I wear those outfits. Sucks, but it's true.

Sorry you had a bad day, hon.