So today I met with my RE today. First of all can I just say that waiting on doctors doesn't bother me all that much -- frankly I kind of expect it. So I really wasn't all that annoyed with the 30 minute wait. HOWEVER, when you are waiting to meet with your RE to discuss next steps after the failure of your 5th (and seemingly best) IVF cycle it really sucks to have to overhear all the good news the nurses are delivering to other patients. I overheard 3 phone calls in which the nurse congratulated the patients on "another great beta" and listened while she went about scheduling each of them for their ultrasounds. Then I got to hear the doctor telling another of the nurses to schedule an appointment for the patient he'd just seen because "there's a good chance she might be pregnant with twins." ARGGGGH!
Fortunately, I really like my RE and we had a nice discussion and then I got a chance to talk with my nurse and go over a variety of possible options and the associated timelines so that the husband and I can make an informed decision about what to do next.
All the way home I thought about all the stuff I'd write here regarding my feelings about what the RE said, but frankly I'm just too tired right now. In a nutshell, he said he thinks that the failure of this last cycle was just me being on the bad side of 50/50 odds and he doesn't think there is anything else going on. He is still optimistic about our chances and reiterated that my response last time was fantastic. I found out that 8 of our embryos were 8 cell, grade 1 embryos, and he said that at 38 years old, he'd have considered getting 5 as great. He thinks there's a good chance we'll get at least 2 (if not all) of our 3 frozen blasts through thaw, but he did remind me that the chances of a pregnancy are always better with a fresh cycle. So, now we need to decide if we (1) proceed with a FET next (at a cost for us of about $4000-- no insurance coverage for FETs), or (2) another fresh cycle (our last with insurance) at a cost to us of about $6500 (our insurance pays 50%), and (3) when??? In theory, summer always seems like a good time to do stuff, but we are scheduled to be out of town a few times and I'm looking at a trip to Mississippi for work in late July/early August. Even though I really don't feel that I've totally dealt with my emotions about this last cycle yet, I'm so impatient that I hate the thought of waiting. However, I know that the added stress of worrying about scheduling around trips for any kind of cycle is probably not wise.
Decisions, decisions......
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
In Sum
So Jewels and MomOfOneForNow tagged me for a meme that's been going around for a bit. Actually they tagged me a few days ago, but it was a busy weekend so sorry to have taken so long to get to this.
Unfortunately I'm not all that creative and I've been thinking and thinking and thinking and I really haven't been able to come up with words to sum up my life, much less six clever words! I've also wondered how accurate anything I come up with now, while I'm in a kind of crappy state of mind, will be. Every idea I think of is pretty much all about my failure to have more kids. Despite my depressed mood I still wouldn't say that my whole life is about that, but of course it's what's on my mind. Anyway, I decided to just use what's in my head with the knowledge that if I tried to do this for a year I'd probably end up with 365 different responses! So I finally just decided to go with my thoughts on me for now.
The meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure.
It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words.
His words were, "For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn."
1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post http://herebaby.blogspot.com/2008/06/six-word-memior.html if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogsphere
4. Tag 5 more blogs with links
5. Don't forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play. My six word memoir:
Mommy who wants more kids now!
And MammaMia, Leah, Meghan, Shelli, and Paranoid you're it!!!
Unfortunately I'm not all that creative and I've been thinking and thinking and thinking and I really haven't been able to come up with words to sum up my life, much less six clever words! I've also wondered how accurate anything I come up with now, while I'm in a kind of crappy state of mind, will be. Every idea I think of is pretty much all about my failure to have more kids. Despite my depressed mood I still wouldn't say that my whole life is about that, but of course it's what's on my mind. Anyway, I decided to just use what's in my head with the knowledge that if I tried to do this for a year I'd probably end up with 365 different responses! So I finally just decided to go with my thoughts on me for now.
The meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure.
It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words.
His words were, "For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn."
1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post http://herebaby.blogspot.com/2008/06/six-word-memior.html if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogsphere
4. Tag 5 more blogs with links
5. Don't forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play. My six word memoir:
Mommy who wants more kids now!
And MammaMia, Leah, Meghan, Shelli, and Paranoid you're it!!!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Random Rant #1
First I feel the need to say that I really do KNOW how lucky I am to have my daughter. She is the light of my life and there's no doubt in my mind that I appreciate her even more given our inability to provide her a sibling. So all the anger, frustration, depression, and rants resulting from secondary infertility do NOT mean that I don't get how incredibly lucky I am. And since I really don't want my problems to become hers I can't really just lay around my house avoiding the types of situations that remind me of what I want but don't have.
So that's the lead in to this random rant.
Going to our neighborbood swim club feels like negotiating land mines. I swear it seems like 99% of the families there have 3 or 4 kids. And of course they all appear to have been born rather close together. In addition, even though we've been members for several years, I still don't really know anyone else there. So, on most visits there me and my daughter go and play with each other or if she finds some other kids to play with I sit along and watch her. It so odd to go to such a busy, noisy, happy place and to feel so lonely and left out. Both because there are always many many groups of moms sitting and chatting and because I feel left out of the fertile mama club. And last but not least, NOW not only am I not pregnant after 3 years of trying and 5 IVF attempts, but I'm 20 to 25 lbs heavier! So guess what, not only am I the alone mom, but I'm the FAT alone mom. I know it's another exaggeration, but it really does seem like all those moms of 3 or 4 are also skinny and georgeous --walking around in their little bikinis. SIGH! I suppose that the weight is at least something I can control. Now I just need to get off my fat ass and do something about it.
Anyhoo -- part the reason the pool stuff depresses me is that I grew up at a swim club just like the one we now belong to. I was on swim teams from the time I was 4 through high school. I spent 7 summers as a lifeguard, taught swim lessons, and most of my closest friends were those I met through swimming. Even before I starting working at our club, from the time I was about 7 I practically lived that the pool during the summers and I can honestly say that they were the happiest moments of my childhood and teenage years. So, I guess I'm just sad that now I get so little joy from it.
So that's the lead in to this random rant.
Going to our neighborbood swim club feels like negotiating land mines. I swear it seems like 99% of the families there have 3 or 4 kids. And of course they all appear to have been born rather close together. In addition, even though we've been members for several years, I still don't really know anyone else there. So, on most visits there me and my daughter go and play with each other or if she finds some other kids to play with I sit along and watch her. It so odd to go to such a busy, noisy, happy place and to feel so lonely and left out. Both because there are always many many groups of moms sitting and chatting and because I feel left out of the fertile mama club. And last but not least, NOW not only am I not pregnant after 3 years of trying and 5 IVF attempts, but I'm 20 to 25 lbs heavier! So guess what, not only am I the alone mom, but I'm the FAT alone mom. I know it's another exaggeration, but it really does seem like all those moms of 3 or 4 are also skinny and georgeous --walking around in their little bikinis. SIGH! I suppose that the weight is at least something I can control. Now I just need to get off my fat ass and do something about it.
Anyhoo -- part the reason the pool stuff depresses me is that I grew up at a swim club just like the one we now belong to. I was on swim teams from the time I was 4 through high school. I spent 7 summers as a lifeguard, taught swim lessons, and most of my closest friends were those I met through swimming. Even before I starting working at our club, from the time I was about 7 I practically lived that the pool during the summers and I can honestly say that they were the happiest moments of my childhood and teenage years. So, I guess I'm just sad that now I get so little joy from it.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Confused
So I lied yesterday, I guess I do have some things left to say.
I called the clinic today to make my "what now?" appointment with my RE and was shocked that they were able to fit me in next Wednesday! I'm not a patient person, so on the one hand I'm glad there won't be a long wait to figure out what, if anything, we do next. On the other hand, I really wasn't expecting to be having that conversation so soon and so it just feels a little weird. I feel as though I've barely begun to process this latest failure -- I haven't even gotten my period yet for Gds sake! -- and now I already need to start thinking rationally about what to do next. Hubby and I have agreed that we will at least make one more attempt with our blastosicles (assuming of course that doctor doesn't tell us to just throw in the towel), but after that I don't know. My emotional state and our doctor's recommendations aside (though they are of course two very large factors), we are limited by finances. We only have one more cycle covered by insurance, our insurance won't cover a FET, and I don't know how much they'll charge for the FET. Also, I wrote a check the other day that increased our home equity line debt by a huge chuck because we needed a certified check to include with our FINALLY complete dossier, which we will send via UPS to the adoption agency this afternoon.
The adoption stuff also has me feeling an emotional wreck. We're probably now looking at a 2 1/2 year (minimum) wait to be matched. The idea of having to continue waiting and to continue feeling like my life is on hold makes me sick to my stomach. I'm excited that we're finally going to submit, but honestly, if I could travel back in time to late last summer I would almost certainly press for us to go with a country with a shorter wait time. Oh well, I guess it gives us alot of time to save up money, leave, and to plan for our trip to China.
I called the clinic today to make my "what now?" appointment with my RE and was shocked that they were able to fit me in next Wednesday! I'm not a patient person, so on the one hand I'm glad there won't be a long wait to figure out what, if anything, we do next. On the other hand, I really wasn't expecting to be having that conversation so soon and so it just feels a little weird. I feel as though I've barely begun to process this latest failure -- I haven't even gotten my period yet for Gds sake! -- and now I already need to start thinking rationally about what to do next. Hubby and I have agreed that we will at least make one more attempt with our blastosicles (assuming of course that doctor doesn't tell us to just throw in the towel), but after that I don't know. My emotional state and our doctor's recommendations aside (though they are of course two very large factors), we are limited by finances. We only have one more cycle covered by insurance, our insurance won't cover a FET, and I don't know how much they'll charge for the FET. Also, I wrote a check the other day that increased our home equity line debt by a huge chuck because we needed a certified check to include with our FINALLY complete dossier, which we will send via UPS to the adoption agency this afternoon.
The adoption stuff also has me feeling an emotional wreck. We're probably now looking at a 2 1/2 year (minimum) wait to be matched. The idea of having to continue waiting and to continue feeling like my life is on hold makes me sick to my stomach. I'm excited that we're finally going to submit, but honestly, if I could travel back in time to late last summer I would almost certainly press for us to go with a country with a shorter wait time. Oh well, I guess it gives us alot of time to save up money, leave, and to plan for our trip to China.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Done!
Just got the call from the clinic with confirmation that this one is really and truly over. So now that it's official I'm going to indulge and go get myself a nice cold caffienated, full of artiful crap, Diet Dr. Pepper. Sigh.
Anyhoo -- In addition to all the other crap going on, I feel horrible that I'm bowing out of NaComLeavMo. I love getting comments and I've really enjoyed discovering new blogs, leaving more comments and getting to know other bloggers. But I'm feeling pretty empty right now and I just don't have much to say. I've never been consistent about posting here, but it was never for lack of a gazillion thoughts about possible posts. Right now though there's just not much I feel the need to say. And frankly that goes for commenting too. I'm sure this will pass and soon I'll be craving more interaction with the community, but for at least a little while I'll probably be kinda quiet. But first I do have one thing to say.
I really hate small talk right now! I wish I could lock myself in my office all day and not have to make chit chat with anyone.
Anyhoo -- In addition to all the other crap going on, I feel horrible that I'm bowing out of NaComLeavMo. I love getting comments and I've really enjoyed discovering new blogs, leaving more comments and getting to know other bloggers. But I'm feeling pretty empty right now and I just don't have much to say. I've never been consistent about posting here, but it was never for lack of a gazillion thoughts about possible posts. Right now though there's just not much I feel the need to say. And frankly that goes for commenting too. I'm sure this will pass and soon I'll be craving more interaction with the community, but for at least a little while I'll probably be kinda quiet. But first I do have one thing to say.
I really hate small talk right now! I wish I could lock myself in my office all day and not have to make chit chat with anyone.
Monday, June 9, 2008
9.69
Fuck -- I really it was just zero. 'Cause they want me to keep taking my meds and come back on Wed -- seems pretty fucking stupid to me, but I'll be a good girl and follow doctor's orders because that's gotten me such good results so far right?
Waiting, waiting, waiting
Sorry, no news yet. I was at the clinic at the crack of dawn and blood was drawn. Now I wait. Oh the wait -- these final few hours will make the last 2 weeks seem like a party!
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