First I feel the need to say that I really do KNOW how lucky I am to have my daughter. She is the light of my life and there's no doubt in my mind that I appreciate her even more given our inability to provide her a sibling. So all the anger, frustration, depression, and rants resulting from secondary infertility do NOT mean that I don't get how incredibly lucky I am. And since I really don't want my problems to become hers I can't really just lay around my house avoiding the types of situations that remind me of what I want but don't have.
So that's the lead in to this random rant.
Going to our neighborbood swim club feels like negotiating land mines. I swear it seems like 99% of the families there have 3 or 4 kids. And of course they all appear to have been born rather close together. In addition, even though we've been members for several years, I still don't really know anyone else there. So, on most visits there me and my daughter go and play with each other or if she finds some other kids to play with I sit along and watch her. It so odd to go to such a busy, noisy, happy place and to feel so lonely and left out. Both because there are always many many groups of moms sitting and chatting and because I feel left out of the fertile mama club. And last but not least, NOW not only am I not pregnant after 3 years of trying and 5 IVF attempts, but I'm 20 to 25 lbs heavier! So guess what, not only am I the alone mom, but I'm the FAT alone mom. I know it's another exaggeration, but it really does seem like all those moms of 3 or 4 are also skinny and georgeous --walking around in their little bikinis. SIGH! I suppose that the weight is at least something I can control. Now I just need to get off my fat ass and do something about it.
Anyhoo -- part the reason the pool stuff depresses me is that I grew up at a swim club just like the one we now belong to. I was on swim teams from the time I was 4 through high school. I spent 7 summers as a lifeguard, taught swim lessons, and most of my closest friends were those I met through swimming. Even before I starting working at our club, from the time I was about 7 I practically lived that the pool during the summers and I can honestly say that they were the happiest moments of my childhood and teenage years. So, I guess I'm just sad that now I get so little joy from it.