Friday, June 13, 2008

Random Rant #1

First I feel the need to say that I really do KNOW how lucky I am to have my daughter. She is the light of my life and there's no doubt in my mind that I appreciate her even more given our inability to provide her a sibling. So all the anger, frustration, depression, and rants resulting from secondary infertility do NOT mean that I don't get how incredibly lucky I am. And since I really don't want my problems to become hers I can't really just lay around my house avoiding the types of situations that remind me of what I want but don't have.

So that's the lead in to this random rant.

Going to our neighborbood swim club feels like negotiating land mines. I swear it seems like 99% of the families there have 3 or 4 kids. And of course they all appear to have been born rather close together. In addition, even though we've been members for several years, I still don't really know anyone else there. So, on most visits there me and my daughter go and play with each other or if she finds some other kids to play with I sit along and watch her. It so odd to go to such a busy, noisy, happy place and to feel so lonely and left out. Both because there are always many many groups of moms sitting and chatting and because I feel left out of the fertile mama club. And last but not least, NOW not only am I not pregnant after 3 years of trying and 5 IVF attempts, but I'm 20 to 25 lbs heavier! So guess what, not only am I the alone mom, but I'm the FAT alone mom. I know it's another exaggeration, but it really does seem like all those moms of 3 or 4 are also skinny and georgeous --walking around in their little bikinis. SIGH! I suppose that the weight is at least something I can control. Now I just need to get off my fat ass and do something about it.

Anyhoo -- part the reason the pool stuff depresses me is that I grew up at a swim club just like the one we now belong to. I was on swim teams from the time I was 4 through high school. I spent 7 summers as a lifeguard, taught swim lessons, and most of my closest friends were those I met through swimming. Even before I starting working at our club, from the time I was about 7 I practically lived that the pool during the summers and I can honestly say that they were the happiest moments of my childhood and teenage years. So, I guess I'm just sad that now I get so little joy from it.


beautycourage said...

Your most made me think of going to a pool with my best friend from college last summer and her 2 babies. I was miserable, having just had another failed IVF cycle, seeing all of the beautiful moms and their perfect kids playing in the water. If you were there, I would have looked at you and thought you were so content, playing with your daughter by the pool. And you would have been miserable, too, and I would never had known. All the while my friend was miserable, because her 2nd was a preemie and was behind on her development and very sensitive and irritable, and she was envious of all of the moms with their normal happy kids. It just makes me think that you never know what is really going on with people. We might all be miserable, but we just hide it well.

Anyways, I hope you find a way to enjoy the club again, or that you find a way to avoid it with style!

Jewels said...

Hi, I found your link on SQASPJ (secondary Infertility),
My friend Jenn tagged me, and instead of tagging the same women I always tag, I thought I’d tag 5 women I’ve never met. I was reading some blogs and enjoyed reading your’s. So I hope its okay I’m tagging you, if you want.
And If its okay also, I’d like to put you on my list of blogs I read.

momofonefornow said...

Hi there, I am fairly new to blogging but I actually got tagged for a meme today. Since I don't know many bloggers yet, I chose some of the blogs that I regularly read. Yours is one of them. So, I guess that means that I am tagging you for a meme.I hope you don't mind and if you have already done it than just ignore this. :0)

Oh, I just looked down at the comments and realized that jewel, who tagged me is tagging you. I don't really know how blogging etiquette works...does that means that we have tag-teamed you?

La La said...

It's terrible how IF sucks the joy out of things you once enjoyed. I'm so sorry sweetie - but it is AWESOME that you are creating those memories with/for your daughter.

Kim said...

Sorry you feel so alone. I have three kids after tons of IF treatments and I still don't feel I really belong with most Moms. NCLM

Lost in Space said...

I'm sorry you feel so alone and out of place with all the other moms, especially in a place that you used to love so much.

Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts for a great appointment with your RE this week.

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

Hi there, sorry you feel so's never easy...sending you some positive vibes and hugs, love along the way...

here from NCLM.

~Jess said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so left out and alone, especially at a place where you used to feel so happy and a part of *hugs* I hope things get better for you soon! Your daughter is adorable.

Here via NCLM

Penny said...

Oh man. I was at our community pool yesterday and experienced some of the same things. Huge bellies everywhere, multiple, practically "Irish twins" running around. Le sigh.

I'll join your fat alone mama's club. Scoot over.

Meghan said...

Sorry I'm just getting to this. Whenever I see those skinny fat (bitches) moms with a couple kids, I like to think about how hard they have to freaking work to maintain that. My friend has turned into the yuppiest mom of 2, won't eat anything, got a personal trainer 4 days a week, a nanny, is looking into plastic surgery...all to keep up appearances. And to top it all off, she's miserable. I'd rather be fat...(still working on the happy part)

Hope you find a way to enjoy the pool again. Could we have a TOOTPU social there and claim it as our own???