Sunday, June 8, 2008
Well, I don't even know what to say or how to say it. I'm not sure how I should be feeling -- I waver between feeling utterly hopeless to slightly hopeful. I held out on the testing at home until yesterday afternoon, though by then I was actually feeling pretty optimistic again -- just impatient. So I bought a box of 3 tests (EPT to be specific). Nervous but hopeful, I peed in a cup. I dipped the first stick and watched the colors appear as I opened the second stick. This is what I saw in each circle "-". Hmmm? Panic set in, oh the thousands of things that flew through my brain in just seconds. First, because I've never used one the +/- tests before, I thought maybe I was reading it incorrectly. Then I realized that the 2nd test stick that I had just unwrapped did not look like the first. A moment of hopefulness that there was a mixup in the box. So I look more carefully at the box and see that it came with 2 regular and one digital test. The 2nd stick I'd unpacked was the digital, so I dip it and wait, and wait, and wait for what seemed like eternity. "PREGNANT" OK, so what to think about getting one of each???!!! So, after the sharing the unclear news with the husband I decide I need more tests, but I don't want to use the one regular left in the EPT box -- given the mixed results I thought it might be best to get a new brand. So I wait, we decide I'll go out after daughter is put to bed. In the meantime I revisit the first negative stick and notice the faintest of faint vertical lines crossing the "-" line in the circle. I show to husband who squints. I explain that it can be positive even if only faint. But really, it's sooo faint, I wonder if I'm just seeing the shadow of the ink (or whatever it is) that is just waiting for the right hormones to activate it. So a couple of hours after the first test I run to the store and pick up a 3 pack of First Response tests. Get home and dip two. Two clear negatives. I don't think I'll bother to describe the evening and night we had in our house. I was numb, and husband was angry, frustrated, sad --not much sleep was had. Then this morning after snuggling with my daughter for about an hour I felt compelled to use those last two tests -- one of each brand. I went in the bathroom and took another look at the first test from last night and that faintest of faint lines was now a pretty clear line. While they say the test results are good for about 48 hours I'm not sure what to think. So I proceed with the dipping. Faint positives. I don't know whether to be relieved or not. I mean if this was a good pregnancy -- why did I get two obvious negatives, and why, so far in (11&12dp5dt) would the positives be so faint? So one part of my brain feels slightly hopeful, but the smart part of my brain suspects another chemical or an ectopic. No matter how loudly the smart part of my brain yells, the other part is awfully persistent and it seems to be winning. Which kind of sucks, because it means that when the call comes in tomorrow I won't actually be prepared, I'll be devastated all over again and testing early will have done nothing but earned my husband and I an extra two days of frustration.