Courting Hope

Well, here's the story. I'm pregnant. Today I got the results of my second beta and they came in at 4565, last Thursday's beta was 952. I'm still scared. I'm worried that it could end like others before it, laying on a table next to an ultrasound machine and finding no heartbeat. I'm worried about things that haven't ever happened before, an ectopic or suffering a later loss. The last week and a half has been a whirlwind of emotion. Renewed hope, confusion, elation, fear, relief, hope, fear, and so on.

For me the story really begins with the appointment with the RE on October 26. During that appointment he told us that I'd tested positive for the MTHFR mutation and was told to start baby aspirin and Folgard right away. I was also told that as soon as they reviewed some of my blood work I'd likely be starting Metformin. Finally, I was instructed to call on day 1 to schedule a hysteroscopy and have a few additional blood tests done. We went home feeling very happy about things. I expected to get my period at any time, so I expected to be getting confirmation for the Metformin and scheduling the hysterscopy at the same time on Monday. Well, Monday I started smudging (not really spotting, just some brown smudges), which is not an unusual way for my periods to start, but I know they don't consider that day 1, so I didn't call first thing. I called late enough that I didn't get a call back on Monday. Tuesday, I fully expected to begin bleeding heavily, but nothing, not even any smudges. When I got home that night there was a message from my nurse telling me to go ahead and fill the Metformin prescription. Instead, on a total whim, and ONLY because I had two old tests languishing and lonely in the bathroom, I peed on a stick. I almost didn't believe it when I saw two lines, so I took the other and it was positive too. My husband was probably more stunned that I was when I showed him when he got home. The RE was right about one thing -- nothing in our test results had indicated that we COULDN'T get pregnant on our own, but we sure hadn't expected it. So first thing the next morning I called my nurse. They arranged for a blood test on Thurs, and called in a prescription for Lovenox. So Thursday afternoon we got good news and that night I started the Lovenox injections. It wasn't until that night on the way home in the car that it hit me - WE had made done this, my husband and I. Just US, not me and him and a cup and a catheter and team of medical professionals. Just us and in our very own bed. And I cried and cried, because for well over a year I have truly believed that IF we ever were going to get pregnant it would be via IVF. So throughout the next four days I spent about half my time elated and daydreaming about the future and the other half terrified of all that could happen to ruin this fantasy. Today was the longest day. But the news was good and I go back on Wed for another test. In the meantime, I will continue to take my meds and I will try to be hopeful and I will try to not let the fear take over.