April 29 -- 1 week and 1 day old

I have so much to say and indeed there are a couple of half-written posts floating around, but somehow the days get away from me!

Yesterday our little B was one week old. I still can hardly believe he's here and he's ours. When thinking about the last week, well really the last 10 weeks, I feel as if it was all some sort of really weird dream. I'm sure I'll write more about all of that, but for now I thought I'd just post a few pictures I took yesterday at the one week mark.

The frog was the first thing I let myself buy during this pregnancy. I think I bought it after my 2nd or 3rd ultrasound when I felt like things could actually work out.




Little B in Yoga Pose


With Big Sister L -- the jealousy is already showing itself, but for the most part she is still very excited and sweet about her little brother

2 1/2 Days Old -- Quick Update

2 1/2 days old and all is well. Baby is well and we are both being released tomorrow afternoon. I can't believe that I get to go home and actually do normal stuff like walk around and eat meals at the table. I'm finding it even more incredible that our 35 1/2 weeker gets to come home too! After all the drama of this pregnancy, the birth and post-birth hospital stay have been remarkably NORMAL.

My recovery has had it's ups and downs, but that's pretty normal for a c-section. In short, I'm VERY grateful for Percoset and Ibuprofen! I was pretty miserable the second day (after the morphine wore off), but things were much improved today.

At our pediatrician's urging we are supplementing with formula, but before every feed we do give the breast a turn. I'm also pumping after every feed to try and stimulate things. Though my milk hasn't come in yet, thanks to the pump I have managed to produce some colostrum for the Bumblebee. Though his latch isn't great, he clearly enjoys being on the breast and he actually tries really hard, so I think we'll get there soon.

For your viewing pleasure -- my sweet Lovebugs.

The Bumblebee Has Arrived!

A proud big sister


At 6:44 am on April 21, 2009. He weighed in at 6 pounds and 4 ounces and is 19 1/2 inches long. I'll post a proper arrival story soon (more for myself than because I think anyone else is dying for those details), but for now I thought I'd introduce the little bug via some photos.


First photo shoot


This baby just wants to sleep


Had to get a shot with the hair


This big sister is so excited, she wants to do everything for him! I wonder how long that will last?

Feeling Sorry for Myself

My c-section is scheduled for 3 weeks from today. Given how long I've already been on bedrest that's not so bad. Tomorrow I'll be 35 weeks. Considering that I was admitted into the hospital at 26 weeks, I'm thrilled to have gotten this far.

BUT

It is 76 degrees out with sunshine and blue skies. My daughter's school, which is less than a mile away, let out 1/2 hour ago. I can hear kids playing outside in the neighborhood. I would give anything to be able to go outside, to be able to pick her up from aftercare and enjoy this beautiful afternoon together. I know keeping my ass on this couch is the best thing and I'll stay here for another 3 weeks for however long I'm lucky enough to keep this baby inside, but sometimes it really sucks!

I'm soooo happy to be at home and able to have more time with my family, but in some ways it was a little easier doing this in the hospital. I had a window and I could see whether it was a sunny day or a cloudy day, but I couldn't see the trees and flowers blooming or hear the wind blowing or hear the kids playing. I also couldn't see the dishes in the sink or the dirty laundry or the dust on the floor! Basically I was blissfully unaware of the outside world and the things that needed to be done around my house and let me say that actually did make it easier to stay in bed!

I know it doesn't help that right now I'm bored.

Though, just typing it out helps. And, in fact, it is nice to see the trees and flowers blooming in my yard and it's nice to actually have windows open and get fresh air and to hear the birds singing. And it is especially nice to know that in less than 2 hours my husband and daughter will be home and then we'll have the whole evening and weekend together.

Happy Friday and I hope anyone reading has a great weekend.

Greetings From My Couch!

You read that correctly – I’m typing from my very own couch in my very own house, NOT a hospital bed. I was released last Friday afternoon – woohoo! Despite my increasing impatience and desire to eat sitting up, apparently I was such a model patient that the docs decided I could just as well do this from home. So, yes, I’m still on bedrest. I’m still supposed to stay horizontal except for bathroom trips and short showers. So, today marks day 6 of home bedrest, 8 weeks of bedrest in all, and I’m now 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Since my c-section is scheduled on May 8th – one day shy of 38 weeks – I have, at most, just 3 weeks and 2 days left of living lying down.

I’ll confess when I’m alone during the day I do get up a bit more often to shuffle into the kitchen for food. Fortunately (though I don’t usually think of this as a positive) our house is very small. My couch is literally about 2 feet from the kitchen doorway and about 6 feet from the refrigerator, so I’m still able to maintain my mostly horizontal routine without too much trouble.

Unfortunately, I’m still having trouble sleeping at night, but thanks to my nice docs I have a full bottle of Ambien in my bedside table. I tried to go without it last night, but that was a big mistake. I slept badly, so I won’t be skipping that pill again tonight.

Of course, getting to be home with my husband and daughter is wonderful. Poor husband is really still single parenting since I can’t do much AND now he has to wait on me too, but he’s handling it very well. I was a little worried that my daughter would find it hard having me here, but not able to do much, but she is also handling it very well. She’s been very helpful so far. She keeps telling me how she doesn’t want the baby to come early, but she wishes it were the time for him to be born now. Well, she isn’t the only one! Recovery from a c-section is no breeze, but at least I’ll have my baby AND be able to sit up again!.

33 Weeks!

What a difference a week makes! A week ago I was a real basket case. When I got here at 26 weeks, I so hoped we'd make it to 32 weeks. My daughter was a 32-weeker, and while not fun, at least we had some idea what to expect and she's fine now. But as I approached that mark just after completing 5 full weeks here. I was not at all relieved or happy. In fact I hit a real low point in my stay here. I have lots of ideas why, and I won't go into all of them, but I think the biggest was just that after 5 weeks being here was really getting to me. So, not only is 32 weeks still pretty darn early, but if I made it all the way to my previously scheduled c-section at 38 weeks (6 weeks away), I was still on the uphill climb in terms of the duration of my stay. By last weekend I was feeling better. And somehow 33 weeks feels pretty good right now. I'm a full week past the point when my daughter was born and if I'm lucky enough to make it to 38 weeks that means 6 1/2 weeks down and only 5 to go.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think my irritability will disappear. It's hard to be here and I am grumpier than normal and I'll probaby do some venting here. But I'm in a much, much better place than I was a week ago and despite my grumbling, I haven't been mean or yelled at anybody yet. ;)

In non hospital news. Today I ordered organic waterproof crib pads to go on the new organic crib mattress we recently ordered. I also ordered some new bath towels for my daughter, since she still uses the baby towels we got when she was born. I'm hoping she won't mind giving them up with the new pick towels I got that have her name on them. Next up is ordering the carpet for the nursery and the wall mural. I may not be home to get everything set up, but thanks to the Internet I can at least do the shopping! :)

NSTs are a good thing right?

I know the daily monitoring is good and I should be grateful that they are making sure the baby is doing well. But honestly, I hate it. Lying in bed all day is hard enough, but it's even harder to do so and stay relatively still for 30 minutes. It wouldn't be so bad, except that (like lots of pregnant women) I do tend to have contractions when my bladder is full. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I pee before they hook me up to the monitors, almost every time about halfway through I feel like my bladder is going to explode. And so I'll have a contraction or two, and that means I have to stay on the monitor longer. So far none of my contractions have been worrisome, it always stops when I get up to pee. Another annoying thing is that since dehydration can also cause contractions sometimes the nurses tell me to try and drink some water. HAHA! "That's never the problem" I would like to yell. Sometimes I'm up to pee every 20 minutes or so.

I'm sooooo glad the Bumblebee is still inside and I truly hope he stays there a while longer, but in all honesty I'm looking forward to the day he comes out and I get to not be pregnant any longer. I loved being pregnant with my daughter. It was easy, I felt pretty good, and I was excited. Until the 30 week mark when I ended up in the hospital. After that experience, plus several miscarriages, and failed IVFs (and other attempts to get pregnant), the early part of this pregnancy was certainly marked by some concern and worry. But really overall, I felt good, I was healthy, and I was excited. So, despite the history, I still felt pretty positive about the experience of walking around pregnant (or at least the experience once you get past those early ultrasounds). But now things have changed. This has ruined it for me.

Used to be that I couldn't relate to women who complained about being pregnant (and I'm not talking about extreme cases of severe complications or previous loss, but average women who just didn't feel good). I know several friends and relatives who had normal pregnancies with happy outcomes who did not enjoy being pregnant. And while my situation is more extreme, I get it now. I can see how someone can want the pregnancy and want the baby, but not like BEING pregnant. I wish I didn't get it, but I do. Because pregnancy has been ruined for me. I missed out on so much with my daughter being premature. I'm still jealous of baby showers, because while my friends held mine later on for me, it wasn't the same. It was rescheduled for over a month after my daughter was born and well over half of my friends couldn't come to the rescheduled party. I didn't get to go there with a big belly and a cute maternity outfit on. And because she was a preemie and on a monitor and it was cold and flu season, I couldn't even bring my daughter with me.

And now I'm missing out on more stuff. Of course being away from husband and daughter is the worse part, but again I'm missing out on all the normal baby prep stuff. While I'm grateful that my in-laws have been here alot to help my husband and for all the things they have done around the house, I'm also a bit sad about some of the things they've done. My in-laws cleaned out the nursery for us. My mom has washed blankets and crib sheets. Other people are getting my house and my nursery ready. And while I know there will be lots more to do in the nursery and around the house once I get home, it just sort of bothers me that once again I'm missing out on the preparations. And, while I'm so grateful for the comments left here and the emails and messages on facebook. I'm sad that I'm missing out (again!) on the last couple of months of pregnancy. I certainly didn't expect a shower for my second baby, but I would have liked to have gotten the chance to wear some of the cute maternity clothes that I bought (for the last time and this time) that I never got big enough to wear. I would have liked to have walked around with a belly so big that everyone asked me questions about how soon and am I ready. I would have liked to have just once experienced the growing anticipation and excitement as the weeks wound down to a due date, rather than fear and dread that the baby will arrive too soon and/or that there will be some type of complication for the baby or even me. In short I would like to have been able to enjoy and celebrate this time, rather than being miserable with boredom, fear, and the uncomfortableness of living in bed for so long.

I hate feeling this way, but it's the truth. I know that in at most another 5 weeks I will very likely be a mom to 2 children and I know how incredibly fortunate that makes me. I truly know how lucky I am, but at the same time I do feel robbed of an awful lot.

32 Weeks, 4 days

Today is day 43, so I'm starting my 7th week in here. I'm grateful to have made it this far, and I truly hope that this baby stays in for a few more weeks, but I am going crazy in here! I'm bored and alone almost all of the time. While nothing has been happening medically, for some reason, as the days pass my anxiety level goes up and up. Every twinge scares me and I'm having a hard time keeping negative thoughts out of my head. I'm also both incredibly disappointed and angry with a couple of my friends. I truly don't expect the world to stop because of my situation and I really don't expect to get many visitors as most of my friends have children and full-time jobs and nobody lives very near the hospital. But I've had visits, phone calls, and emails from friends that I usually see or talk to only infrequently, while a couple of women whom I would have described as among my closest friends, women whom I have lunch with and generally email and talk to pretty regularly, I have barely heard from at all. Both made plans to come visit and then didn't even bother to call or email to say they weren't coming -- and never called or emailed after the fact either. As I said, I don't expect alot of visits, but if someone tells me they're coming tomorrow, I think it's pretty damn rude to just not show up! I really don't know if I'm more sad or angry about it. Vent over.

On the bright side, my mom is coming back up tomorrow. She'll be here for 2 days and then is taking my daughter back home with her for spring break. I'll miss seeing my little Ladybug next week, but I know she's going to have a great time and it'll be a great break for my husband.

In other news, starting today I now get NSTs everyday. So far they've all looked good. My blood pressure is still good. I've only gained about 2 pounds since I got here, but they don't seem at all concerned by that. The only time I have any contractions is when my bladder is full, so no big deal.

Thats all for now. I'll try to update a little more frequently. And sorry I've been lousy about returning comments, but I do appreciate everyone's comments, concerns, and good wishes. Thanks.