I feel as though I should have some really insightful or at least interesting things to say about how I feel about the cancellation. But I don’t. I’m just feeling sort of blah and sort of numb. Oh, add to that a little annoyed, because my nurse hasn’t called me back yet to talk “next steps”. Also, the financial coordinator hasn’t called me yet to discuss any refund from our initial payment. I realize that I could pretty easily pick up the phone and call myself, but I’m just tired from everything and she did say they’d be calling me and so I shouldn’t have to – so there!
I am trying to do a little more than just put one foot in front of the other, which is sort of the mode I've been in for quite some time. Even if we do end up doing another cycle right away I've decided that I really need to get my life back in order. I’ve been letting all this infertility crap and treatments run my life for too long. My schedule has been totally off, I’ve been eating badly, not exercising (and thus gaining even more weight), not sleeping well, chronically tired, having chronic headaches, and generally grumpy and depressed. And you can imagine that this does not really translate into a productive employee or an energetic and happy wife or mother. In fact, my 5 year old has actually started telling me that I need to exercise more because I’ve gotten too squishy, and that I need to go to bed earlier so that I’m not tired all the time. Yikes – talk about a wake up call! And the truth is, she’s right. Soooo, for the past couple of days I actually skipped the evening TV watching, gotten myself into bed earlier, and dragged my ever increasing rump out of bed earlier, and yesterday and today went to the gym. I know it’s only 2 days, but I realized yesterday that I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been to the gym, so I’m patting myself on the back about this.
This bit of forward motion will likely lead me to actually pick up the phone and call the nurse, the financial coordinator, and a few other folks on my to do list. Perhaps this will be the start to an upward spiral. :)
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
A Bottle of Red, Some Gruyere, and a Baguette
That's how I coped with the news of our cancellation. As predicted I got the call yesterday afternoon. Actually it was just moments after I posted to the blog. When I saw the number pop up on the caller ID I thought to myself ‘I wonder whether it will be the nurse or the doctor.’ Well, the nurse was on the other end and I had a tiny little moment of hope, but she immediately said, “I have Dr. S right here.” I just kind of laughed and said OK. Anyway, the doc thinks that my body didn’t “like” the birth control pills. HaHa, at least on that point my mind and body are in agreement. Oddly enough, I didn’t actually cry. I welled up a bit, but no tears fell. I don’t say that because I think it’s good or bad, but I’m still a bit surprised. I guess I really knew it was coming. Now I’m just pissed that we ate about $2500 and used up one of the 3 IVF s the insurance co. will cover – all for nothing. It’s not like we’ve got thousands of dollars just lying around. In fact, the night before we’d spent some time going over the budget and figuring out just how we were going to finance the IVF and the adoption. Now I feel like we need to go back to the drawing board. I know I know I know that things could be worse (financially that is), and I try to remind myself that we’re lucky to have any coverage at all and we’re lucky that though we feel squeezed we actually can afford to keep doing this (at least for a little while longer). To add insult to injury, my husband called about an hour after we found out about the cancellation to report that our laptop is dying. Oh goody, buying a new computer is just what I wanted to do right now! :\
Next steps are deciding whether to roll right into a new cycle after my period or wait a bit. Talking to the nurse today about what protocol the DR will use next time.
Oddly, I actually feel OK right now. In fact, I feel better than I did even before I got the call yesterday. Perhaps it was venting on the blog, or just having a decision made about the cycle, whatever it was I can say that I’m feeling less fragile today. Not exactly ready to take on the world, but certainly not feeling like I’m teetering on the edge of it anymore.
Now, for inquiring minds, in today’s adoption news. We’re actually making progress. We received the packet from the adoption agency on the computer-based training that we need to complete. It doesn’t look too bad and the fees aren’t too bad either. We figure we can do it while we wait for USCIS to process our home study. Which should be soon! The social worker called and she’s going to be sending us the draft to review within the week.
That’s all for now.
Next steps are deciding whether to roll right into a new cycle after my period or wait a bit. Talking to the nurse today about what protocol the DR will use next time.
Oddly, I actually feel OK right now. In fact, I feel better than I did even before I got the call yesterday. Perhaps it was venting on the blog, or just having a decision made about the cycle, whatever it was I can say that I’m feeling less fragile today. Not exactly ready to take on the world, but certainly not feeling like I’m teetering on the edge of it anymore.
Now, for inquiring minds, in today’s adoption news. We’re actually making progress. We received the packet from the adoption agency on the computer-based training that we need to complete. It doesn’t look too bad and the fees aren’t too bad either. We figure we can do it while we wait for USCIS to process our home study. Which should be soon! The social worker called and she’s going to be sending us the draft to review within the week.
That’s all for now.
Monday, March 3, 2008
AARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, I KNOW I'm being dramatic and that I have lots to be thankful for, but right now I feel as though NOTHING is working for me. IVF #5 has been a pain from the getgo and now it looks like it might get cancelled. (WTF?! - more on that later). Work has been downright painful lately. My child's behavior has been far from angelic and causing me mucho angst. And the latest injury, after such a long hiatus, I'd actually finally spent some time on the home computer this weekend and written up a blog entry. I mailed it to myself at work so I could put on the finishing touches and post it today, but guess what? The email didn't come through! I could really, really scream.
'Course what I'd written almost seems irrelevant, since now I'm totally consumed with why the F*ck my body is not responding and that this cycle might be cancelled, AND the $2000 worth of meds that I might as well have dumped down the drain (not to mention the doctor's fees).
I swear, twice just before we started this cycle I thought to myself that maybe we should delay a month and know I can’t help thinking that it was a huge mistake pushing forward.
We’d been anxious to get started again. So with my first period (early Feb), after the new insurance went into effect (Jan), we started the ball rolling. Of course, I had work and vacation travel planned, and it would require me to stay on the pill for 2 extra days, but no big deal. We were still waiting to find out if the new insurance would actually cover the IVF and my doctor was deciding whether or not we needed to do ICSI and I was realizing that I would have to back out of some travel for work. But none of that was surprising or seemed to be a big deal. Anyway, a couple of weeks go by, there are the inevitable phone calls with the clinic’s financial folks, the insurance company, the pharmacy, but I’m feeling ok. Hell, I’ve done this 4 times already, so I’m feeling pretty relaxed and “been there, done that” about the whole thing. UNTIL I realize that my meds are all new and the method of delivery is new. I’ve never used a pen before and am feeling a bit nervous, but still figure how hard can it be. The pharmacy my insurance contracts with is out of HCG, so they have to transfer part of my prescription. I manage to get all my meds just in time – annoying, but again not a new experience and not the end of the world. I’m scheduled to start my stims on Sunday, Feb 24 (225 follistim, 10 HCG). That evening I’m prepping the counter getting all my supplies together, kind of happy to finally be starting. Then I realize that I do not have the low dose HCG, I only have the HCG for my trigger shot. Keep in mind it’s 8pm on a Sunday. I burst into tears. I fumble around with the box full of paperwork and finally find a phone number to call. I call, leave a message, and wait for the doctor to call me back. He says no worries, just take the follistim and get the HCG in the morning. OK, so that’s a relief, but now my Monday morning is all effed up. Next morning I get up and call the office, BECAUSE it says they have a nurse available starting at 7:30. Guess what when you call you just get the stupid answering machine with no option for the on-call nurse. So I wait until 8am, when they are supposed to start answering their phones. I call at 8, 8:05, 8:10, 8:15 (actually I called many more times than that, I kept hitting redial). Finally, my husband suggests I just drive over since it’s pretty close. I do that, get a prescription, drive to the pharmacy, pick it up. Ok, so things are ok, but I’m increasingly stressed. I won’t bore you with the drama that I had with the follistim pen the first couple of nights. Turns out everything was fine, no big deal, but let’s just say there was added stress that I didn’t need. Anyhoo, I go in for monitoring after two days and my dosages are increased to 375 follistim, 20 HCG. I’m not worried, with the first 4 IVFs I was always slow to stim. But then 2 more days go by, another monitoring appointment and on Friday I get the message to increase to 300 follistim in the AM, another 300 in the PM, and up the HCG to 30. Now I’m getting a bit nervous. ALSO, by the time I get this message it’s 4:15 on Friday. I realize that with the increase in my dose I’ll barely make it to Monday. I call the pharmacy to order a refill – which two days prior they’d confirmed that I had – and, after talking with 2 people and being placed on hold 3 times for a total of 25 minutes, I am told that I can’t get a refill until the doctor submits another authorization!!! What? It’s late Friday. (Note: I’m on my cell phone outside of my daughter’s ballet class at this moment.) So, I choke back my tears, call 411, get the number to the main office of the clinic and dial. I almost cry when someone actually answers the phone. I think I actually yelled into the phone “thank goodness you picked up!” without even saying hello. So, she takes my number and says someone will call back. I wait 30 agonizing minutes and finally the phone rings. The on call nurse says they can’t do anything about the authorization until Monday, but she does have some spare Follistim that I can pick up on Monday morning. I hang up, relieved but so stressed that I burst into tears. I make the mistake of calling my mother. I love her and she is supportive in her own way, but without going into detail about now I’ll just say that I hung up feeling worse.
So the weekend goes by and I am acutely aware that after a week on ever increasing stims I still feel totally NORMAL. There is no swelling, no tenderness, nothing seems to be going on. Except that my belly looks like a really ugly pincushion, something I have not experienced before -- with my past IVFs the injections did not leave me bruised like this. Anyway, I go in this morning and the monitoring doctor didn’t see much follicular activity and actually said the words I was dreading. If my levels haven’t increased much my doctor may call about stopping this cycle and rethinking how they stim. ARGH!!!! Though with my past cycles I was a little slow and produced tons of follicles/eggs, I was NEVER cancelled and it was NEVER even discussed.
So now I sit and wait for the phone to ring. Will it be the nurse with a plan for my meds, or my doctor telling me to cease and desist. With all the uncertainty and stress of IVF, I never expected to be facing a situation like this. I’m really not sure how I will cope. I’ve already been feeling like I’m on the edge. Life is overwhelming me right now. I’ve been feeling as though I fall further behind with every breath and it takes all my energy to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Perhaps I should have paid more attention to how I’ve been feeling and I should have postponed this cycle. I can’t dismiss the notion that my state of mind has certainly not been ideal for doing this now. I know I’m not ready to give up yet. If this is cancelled, or fails otherwise, I know that I will tell my husband I want to try again. But I am really tired. I thought the months of time off since the miscarriage (Nov), and the even longer break from treatment (June), would have let me start this new cycle feeling slightly rejuvenated, but I wasn’t and I’m not and I’m too old to wait a long time inbetween cycles, so I think I need to figure a way to move past this funk and fast.
Aren’t you glad I’m back? Some cheery reading huh?
'Course what I'd written almost seems irrelevant, since now I'm totally consumed with why the F*ck my body is not responding and that this cycle might be cancelled, AND the $2000 worth of meds that I might as well have dumped down the drain (not to mention the doctor's fees).
I swear, twice just before we started this cycle I thought to myself that maybe we should delay a month and know I can’t help thinking that it was a huge mistake pushing forward.
We’d been anxious to get started again. So with my first period (early Feb), after the new insurance went into effect (Jan), we started the ball rolling. Of course, I had work and vacation travel planned, and it would require me to stay on the pill for 2 extra days, but no big deal. We were still waiting to find out if the new insurance would actually cover the IVF and my doctor was deciding whether or not we needed to do ICSI and I was realizing that I would have to back out of some travel for work. But none of that was surprising or seemed to be a big deal. Anyway, a couple of weeks go by, there are the inevitable phone calls with the clinic’s financial folks, the insurance company, the pharmacy, but I’m feeling ok. Hell, I’ve done this 4 times already, so I’m feeling pretty relaxed and “been there, done that” about the whole thing. UNTIL I realize that my meds are all new and the method of delivery is new. I’ve never used a pen before and am feeling a bit nervous, but still figure how hard can it be. The pharmacy my insurance contracts with is out of HCG, so they have to transfer part of my prescription. I manage to get all my meds just in time – annoying, but again not a new experience and not the end of the world. I’m scheduled to start my stims on Sunday, Feb 24 (225 follistim, 10 HCG). That evening I’m prepping the counter getting all my supplies together, kind of happy to finally be starting. Then I realize that I do not have the low dose HCG, I only have the HCG for my trigger shot. Keep in mind it’s 8pm on a Sunday. I burst into tears. I fumble around with the box full of paperwork and finally find a phone number to call. I call, leave a message, and wait for the doctor to call me back. He says no worries, just take the follistim and get the HCG in the morning. OK, so that’s a relief, but now my Monday morning is all effed up. Next morning I get up and call the office, BECAUSE it says they have a nurse available starting at 7:30. Guess what when you call you just get the stupid answering machine with no option for the on-call nurse. So I wait until 8am, when they are supposed to start answering their phones. I call at 8, 8:05, 8:10, 8:15 (actually I called many more times than that, I kept hitting redial). Finally, my husband suggests I just drive over since it’s pretty close. I do that, get a prescription, drive to the pharmacy, pick it up. Ok, so things are ok, but I’m increasingly stressed. I won’t bore you with the drama that I had with the follistim pen the first couple of nights. Turns out everything was fine, no big deal, but let’s just say there was added stress that I didn’t need. Anyhoo, I go in for monitoring after two days and my dosages are increased to 375 follistim, 20 HCG. I’m not worried, with the first 4 IVFs I was always slow to stim. But then 2 more days go by, another monitoring appointment and on Friday I get the message to increase to 300 follistim in the AM, another 300 in the PM, and up the HCG to 30. Now I’m getting a bit nervous. ALSO, by the time I get this message it’s 4:15 on Friday. I realize that with the increase in my dose I’ll barely make it to Monday. I call the pharmacy to order a refill – which two days prior they’d confirmed that I had – and, after talking with 2 people and being placed on hold 3 times for a total of 25 minutes, I am told that I can’t get a refill until the doctor submits another authorization!!! What? It’s late Friday. (Note: I’m on my cell phone outside of my daughter’s ballet class at this moment.) So, I choke back my tears, call 411, get the number to the main office of the clinic and dial. I almost cry when someone actually answers the phone. I think I actually yelled into the phone “thank goodness you picked up!” without even saying hello. So, she takes my number and says someone will call back. I wait 30 agonizing minutes and finally the phone rings. The on call nurse says they can’t do anything about the authorization until Monday, but she does have some spare Follistim that I can pick up on Monday morning. I hang up, relieved but so stressed that I burst into tears. I make the mistake of calling my mother. I love her and she is supportive in her own way, but without going into detail about now I’ll just say that I hung up feeling worse.
So the weekend goes by and I am acutely aware that after a week on ever increasing stims I still feel totally NORMAL. There is no swelling, no tenderness, nothing seems to be going on. Except that my belly looks like a really ugly pincushion, something I have not experienced before -- with my past IVFs the injections did not leave me bruised like this. Anyway, I go in this morning and the monitoring doctor didn’t see much follicular activity and actually said the words I was dreading. If my levels haven’t increased much my doctor may call about stopping this cycle and rethinking how they stim. ARGH!!!! Though with my past cycles I was a little slow and produced tons of follicles/eggs, I was NEVER cancelled and it was NEVER even discussed.
So now I sit and wait for the phone to ring. Will it be the nurse with a plan for my meds, or my doctor telling me to cease and desist. With all the uncertainty and stress of IVF, I never expected to be facing a situation like this. I’m really not sure how I will cope. I’ve already been feeling like I’m on the edge. Life is overwhelming me right now. I’ve been feeling as though I fall further behind with every breath and it takes all my energy to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Perhaps I should have paid more attention to how I’ve been feeling and I should have postponed this cycle. I can’t dismiss the notion that my state of mind has certainly not been ideal for doing this now. I know I’m not ready to give up yet. If this is cancelled, or fails otherwise, I know that I will tell my husband I want to try again. But I am really tired. I thought the months of time off since the miscarriage (Nov), and the even longer break from treatment (June), would have let me start this new cycle feeling slightly rejuvenated, but I wasn’t and I’m not and I’m too old to wait a long time inbetween cycles, so I think I need to figure a way to move past this funk and fast.
Aren’t you glad I’m back? Some cheery reading huh?
Monday, January 14, 2008
Heaving a Huge Sigh of Relief
The first interview is over and it really wasn't bad at all. As predicted, early the morning of the interview I did start to get nervous. Just before she was due to arrive I was really feeling sick to my stomach. But she was as nice in person as she'd seemed on the phone and again I had the feeling that her job is as much to help us as it is to scrutinize us. I think we spent about an hour talking and answering questions. Then we took her on a tour of the house and scheduled the rest of the sessions. We have to do 4 total so we have 3 more. Fortunately, we were able to schedule them for the next three weekends, so we'll be done on Feb 2. After she left we went through all our paperwork and made a list of things to do and questions we have for the agency. We're pretty close and except for making some copies and faxing some forms to the agency, and finishing the home study, we're basically now at the mercy of USCIS and the state government to process paperwork. All in all, I was feeling pretty good. Then twice in the last two days I've heard about how Chinese adoptions are taking even longer than they've been. I've been prepared for a 2 year wait, but the notion of 3 to 4 years definitely has me freaking out a bit!
In other news, I realized something yesterday. Shopping as therapy at the mall isn't really very effective when you are having trouble trying to build a family. I know my antennae are tuned to detect pregnant women and large families, but at large suburban malls they are EVERYWHERE. And of course they are all skinny and georgous too. ;)
In other news, I realized something yesterday. Shopping as therapy at the mall isn't really very effective when you are having trouble trying to build a family. I know my antennae are tuned to detect pregnant women and large families, but at large suburban malls they are EVERYWHERE. And of course they are all skinny and georgous too. ;)
Friday, January 11, 2008
19 Hours 'Till the Interview!
Well, I did finally touch base with the housecleaners and they came yesterday. What a treat to get home from work to a clean house! There's still plenty I should do to make this place seem more child friendly, but I feel so much better having had the cleaners here. In a surprise twist, I'm not feeling too nervous right now. I'm sure a full blown panic will hit around 4AM, but for now I'm pretty calm. Not sure why, but I'm going to enjoy it for now. The social worker is scheduled to arrive here at 9am, so anything we want done has to be done tonight. I think I'm going to try to talk hubby in going out to dinner, that way we can have a more relaxing evening and not worry about cooking or dishes. Right now I'm avoiding going through all the paperwork to make sure we have enough copies of everything - soooo tedious. I am a little annoyed at the pediatrician's office. The home study requires a health form about our daughter be completed by her doctor. I dropped it off last week and just got it in the mail. But they didn't stamp it or include any identifying information like the practice name or address. ????? This is pretty standard and I know if I just walk in their office I can probably get it stamped, but it's just stupid that they didn't do it. Oh well.
In other news, well not much news really, but I just got off the phone with the financial coordinator from my RE's office. I'm still nervous about the new insurance and since I haven't been through a cycle here before I'm just trying to make sure I understand how everything works. But I feel sort of odd about it all right now. I'm due to get my period in just over two weeks, soon after that I'll have a few tests and then my RE is expecting (barring any big surprises) that we'll move right on to an IVF cycle. Meaning, it's not that far off. I can't come up with a good way to describe how I feel about it. Nothings quite right, but detached might be closest. It's not really much time to wait, but I don't FEEL like we're about to step back on that rollercoaster. Perhaps it's because we've been focusing on adoption stuff and we haven't been talking about IVF at all. Also, while I want to get started again, I don't think I'll ever have that feeling of excitement that I had with my previous cycles. Yes, you read that correctly, I did feel excited. IVF was supposed to be the answer to my problem. While I won't recap my whole history here and all the reasons, it wasn't until the fourth and last IVF that I lost the sense of excitement and hope. I guess I'm in that place that so many IF veterans find themselves in. Not ready to give up, but also too much history not to be scared. Because we used to think that our problem was getting pregnant, but now it seems like staying that way is just as big a problem. I guess I haven't been thinking much about this lately, because as I write I realize my initial enthusiasm with the new RE and clinic has worn off and now I'm just flat scared that it won't work or that it will and it won't last. Hope has not disappeared, because I know I need to give it a try again, at least one more, but my old friend fear is lurking, and while I'm not really focused on it now, I know that once we jump back on the IVF path he's going to grab hold tightly.
I realize that's not a very cheery note for a Friday. Nevertheless, hope everyone out there has a nice weekend.
In other news, well not much news really, but I just got off the phone with the financial coordinator from my RE's office. I'm still nervous about the new insurance and since I haven't been through a cycle here before I'm just trying to make sure I understand how everything works. But I feel sort of odd about it all right now. I'm due to get my period in just over two weeks, soon after that I'll have a few tests and then my RE is expecting (barring any big surprises) that we'll move right on to an IVF cycle. Meaning, it's not that far off. I can't come up with a good way to describe how I feel about it. Nothings quite right, but detached might be closest. It's not really much time to wait, but I don't FEEL like we're about to step back on that rollercoaster. Perhaps it's because we've been focusing on adoption stuff and we haven't been talking about IVF at all. Also, while I want to get started again, I don't think I'll ever have that feeling of excitement that I had with my previous cycles. Yes, you read that correctly, I did feel excited. IVF was supposed to be the answer to my problem. While I won't recap my whole history here and all the reasons, it wasn't until the fourth and last IVF that I lost the sense of excitement and hope. I guess I'm in that place that so many IF veterans find themselves in. Not ready to give up, but also too much history not to be scared. Because we used to think that our problem was getting pregnant, but now it seems like staying that way is just as big a problem. I guess I haven't been thinking much about this lately, because as I write I realize my initial enthusiasm with the new RE and clinic has worn off and now I'm just flat scared that it won't work or that it will and it won't last. Hope has not disappeared, because I know I need to give it a try again, at least one more, but my old friend fear is lurking, and while I'm not really focused on it now, I know that once we jump back on the IVF path he's going to grab hold tightly.
I realize that's not a very cheery note for a Friday. Nevertheless, hope everyone out there has a nice weekend.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Small Steps
Well, I'm feeling a bit better today. I actually called my nurse and now I know what's coming next. I was a tiny bit annoyed, because instead of the hysteroscopy that we'd discussed with the RE back at the end of Oct (before the surprising and short-lived pregnancy), she said I'll need to start on birth control pills and then have a mock embryo transfer. HUH? Depending on the results of that, then he'll decide whether to go forward with the hysterscopy. I had her explain it all about three times, but I confess I'm still not 100% getting it. She did say that he had changed the game plan after we got pregnant, but didn't want to discuss it while we were going through everything. I guess I can understand that, but personally I wish we'd just had the discussion since I was in the office many times while the miscarriage played out. On the bright side, I called the new insurance company and registered for the infertility program. I know anything can happen once the clinic starts calling for authorizations, but the woman I spoke to seemed pretty optimistic about my coverage and said there shouldn't be any problems with any of the tests I will hopefully be undergoing in about 3 weeks!
So, I did NOT get much done on the house front last night and then husband woke up at 3am having some sort of panic attack! I have a feeling it's going to be a relatively sleepless week in our house. I feel awful that I'm clearly not capable of giving him the kind of comfort that he needs right now. To be honest, I was so tired that I actually was annoyed and now I feel very guilty. The weird thing is when he's depressed or stressed he can't sleep and wants to talk. When I'm depressed or stressed all I want to do is sleep and I prefer to hash things out in my own head. Since our coping mechanisms are basically the opposite, when we're both stressed and depressed it's not a pretty scene. I'm really, really hoping that Saturday's interview goes well. As much as I'm nervous, I think hubby is tens times so, and I think a good meeting will go a long way to making him feel better.
And, now it's time to go call the house cleaners again!
So, I did NOT get much done on the house front last night and then husband woke up at 3am having some sort of panic attack! I have a feeling it's going to be a relatively sleepless week in our house. I feel awful that I'm clearly not capable of giving him the kind of comfort that he needs right now. To be honest, I was so tired that I actually was annoyed and now I feel very guilty. The weird thing is when he's depressed or stressed he can't sleep and wants to talk. When I'm depressed or stressed all I want to do is sleep and I prefer to hash things out in my own head. Since our coping mechanisms are basically the opposite, when we're both stressed and depressed it's not a pretty scene. I'm really, really hoping that Saturday's interview goes well. As much as I'm nervous, I think hubby is tens times so, and I think a good meeting will go a long way to making him feel better.
And, now it's time to go call the house cleaners again!
Monday, January 7, 2008
Off to the Races
Yikes, I finally caught up with the social worker last Thursday and now the first of 4 interviews for our home study is schedule for next Saturday!!! On the one hand I'm glad she wanted to get started right away because I'm already tired of the waiting and we probably have a good two years to go. However, the house is a complete wreck and my husband and I haven't been getting along very well lately. I'm nervous that it'll come through during the interview. The stress of work (for both of us), almost 3 years of TTC, the recent miscarriage, the adoption, all the uncertainty, and frankly, raising a very tempermental 5-year old has really taken a toll on us. Basically, we've been snapping at each other alot and I'm pretty sure that I'm annoying him as much as he's annoying me lately. Aside from the face that we're both unhappy, it hasn't gone unnoticed by our daughter. Plus, we're both so irritable that we have less patience with her. No one ever said life or relationships would be easy, but I'm getting a little sick of feeling like everything is such a struggle all the time.
So, you may ask, what is she going to do about it?!
Well, first things first, I put in a call to the housecleaning company we used until about a year ago and I am really hoping they can come sometime this week before Saturday's interview, that would go a long way to making me feel better. I also got hubby to agree to schedule them to come once a month. I'd prefer every two weeks, which is what we used to do, but this seems like a good compromise between trying to save money and not having the house get too dirty. Also, I think the trip to Florida next month will be good for all of us. I plan to spend my evenings this week trying to make the house look somewhat less of a disaster area. Fortunately, I did manage to get the Christmas decorations put away last night and my husband is going to take down the tree today -- getting all the furniture back in place should help a bit. While the impetus for this is Saturday's interview, getting the house in order is something that we've needed to do for a long time, so it'll feel good to get it done. And, once again, I'm going to start wei.ght watc.hers. Because I do realize that while there are many things in life that I can't control, what I eat is not one of them. So, I'm trying to be hopeful that I'll get my shit together in 2008, but I'm also trying to be realistic. I know that my weight won't fall off overnight, my marriage won't be fully repaired overnight, and my house won't turn into my dream home anytime soon, but it can be neater. So, I'm going to try and take things one step at a time and focus on the positive. In that vein, I am happy to report that I'm pretty sure we are actually done with all the adoption paperwork, for now. PHEW! That was no small feat.
So, you may ask, what is she going to do about it?!
Well, first things first, I put in a call to the housecleaning company we used until about a year ago and I am really hoping they can come sometime this week before Saturday's interview, that would go a long way to making me feel better. I also got hubby to agree to schedule them to come once a month. I'd prefer every two weeks, which is what we used to do, but this seems like a good compromise between trying to save money and not having the house get too dirty. Also, I think the trip to Florida next month will be good for all of us. I plan to spend my evenings this week trying to make the house look somewhat less of a disaster area. Fortunately, I did manage to get the Christmas decorations put away last night and my husband is going to take down the tree today -- getting all the furniture back in place should help a bit. While the impetus for this is Saturday's interview, getting the house in order is something that we've needed to do for a long time, so it'll feel good to get it done. And, once again, I'm going to start wei.ght watc.hers. Because I do realize that while there are many things in life that I can't control, what I eat is not one of them. So, I'm trying to be hopeful that I'll get my shit together in 2008, but I'm also trying to be realistic. I know that my weight won't fall off overnight, my marriage won't be fully repaired overnight, and my house won't turn into my dream home anytime soon, but it can be neater. So, I'm going to try and take things one step at a time and focus on the positive. In that vein, I am happy to report that I'm pretty sure we are actually done with all the adoption paperwork, for now. PHEW! That was no small feat.
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