Friday, May 11, 2007

Tired

I'm so tired right now.

I'm tired of wanting what I don't have
I'm tired of feeling disappointed
I'm tired of the jealousy I feel towards other parents
I'm tired of arguing with the insurance company
I'm tired of writing large checks to doctors
I'm tired of worrying about money, and being angry that more and more decisions are being made due to finances
I'm tired of answering my daughters pleas for a sibling with vague words like "maybe" and "someday"
I'm tired of explaining the timing of an IVF cycle to my husband (who should know after 3 times!)
I'm tired of ultrasounds
I'm tired of using up all my leave at work for fun things like ultrasounds and blood draws
I’m tired of feeling like my whole life is on hold!

I want my happiness back, but I don’t know where to go to find it. It's not that there are no good moments; my daughter brings me great joy. But I feel overwhelmed by this disappointment, and it feels like everything is tainted with sadness. This of course just adds guilt to the mix. It seems unfair that my daughter, my husband, my family and my friends are all suffering from my feelings. Alright, suffer may be too strong a word, but it's not altogether off base. I don't think a day goes by that I don't cry. If our efforts to have another child fail will I ever get past it? Will I carry this sadness with me forever? I guess deep down I know I’ll cope and move on if things don’t work out the way we hope they will. But, will I ever be able to pass by a pregnant woman or a baby in a stroller without wanting to turn away?

3 comments:

The Town Criers said...

Hey, sweetie--here's the margarita. It's a hard balance to be happy with what you have when your heart is so deeply entrenched in trying to obtain what you don't have. That need to have a child is so base and so primal and so ingrained. It's not something that can be rationally denied like understanding why you can't afford a nice piece of jewelry that you covet. It's really really really hard.

I hope tomorrow is fun with your friends. Please come back to the bar often--I just added you to my blogroll too.

The Town Criers said...

I have a bunch of stuff on thrombophilias that I found bit by bit. And I can tell you some good people to see in the D.C. area too--we're on the Maryland side. You can email me at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

It feels like the studies have been relatively recent and this new OB said that even a year ago, it was unusual to test people. But sure enough, once I pushed for it, I found out that I'm homozygous for the MTHFR mutation and now they're looking for other clotting factors that could be causing implantation problems. I do know two other people who have the same diagnosis, used the Lovenox, and carried to term. So...I'm hopeful.

Geohde said...

Hi there, I'm a blog round-up reader.

I'm so sorry that you feel so wrought-out and worn down.

I have nothing that can fix it, but I wish you the best of luck,

J