Drugs Have Arrived

So, last Friday $3000 worth of drugs arrived at my house (oops, what am I saying! $3000 is just my 50% of the cost). So, last Friday, $6000 worth of drugs arrived at my house—follis.tim and meno.pur. I did take a picture of the expensive boxes full of vials along with the all the other stuff I already had on hand from the canceled cycle—gani.relax, progesterone, novarel, antibiotics, estrace—and all the associated paraphernalia, needles and whatnot. Of course, I haven’t actually downloaded said photo yet. Anywoo, so now I’m just waiting to get my period and then we are on the IVF fast track! Based on my IVF history, we’re not using BCP or lup.ron this round, so I start stimming on day 2. I’m perfectly happy to avoid the BCPs and the lupron and the extra time that entails. But it’s a little weird to think we’ll be through the whole cycle in just 2 weeks.

Normally, my cycles are just about 28 days. So, I could be getting my period as soon as the end of the this week. Yikes, I am glad to get going again, but while I’m prepared—as in I’ve got my meds, the bills are paid, and I’ve warned my team at work that I’ll be late a lot and out on leave for a few unspecified days—I don’t really feel mentally ready and I’m not sure why.

Thinking about it makes me a little reflective about things. It’s hard to think about the fact that we’ve been trying for 3 years now. 2 years ago I had just started seeing the first RE, had my HSG and blood tests and was about to have my lap done. I did my first lupron shot for my first IVF on the 4th of July of 2006. We were at my parents house for the week and so I’d hidden my lupron in the very back of the refrigerator. My mom knew about the IVF, but I hadn’t told my sister about it. I was terrified of giving myself a shot and was actually glad that we were at my mom’s, since she was trained as a nurse and could help me if needed. Turns out it was easy—giving myself shots has turned out to be the one thing I didn’t need to worry about. At the same time, my dad was in the hospital recovering from triple bypass and valve replacement surgery. A few weeks later, on my way to my Grandmother’s funeral, I stopped at a McDonald’s in the middle of nowhere, and in the small and filthy bathroom I mixed 4 vials of Brav.elle and injected myself, all while trying to keep my not quite 4-year-old from touching anything!

If anyone had told me back then that I’d still be on this rollercoaster now I don’t know what I would have done. I certainly never expected it to be this hard or to take this long. If someone had asked me back then to think about what my life would be like in 2 years I would surely have imagined us with another baby by now.