Decisions, Decisions

So today I met with my RE today. First of all can I just say that waiting on doctors doesn't bother me all that much -- frankly I kind of expect it. So I really wasn't all that annoyed with the 30 minute wait. HOWEVER, when you are waiting to meet with your RE to discuss next steps after the failure of your 5th (and seemingly best) IVF cycle it really sucks to have to overhear all the good news the nurses are delivering to other patients. I overheard 3 phone calls in which the nurse congratulated the patients on "another great beta" and listened while she went about scheduling each of them for their ultrasounds. Then I got to hear the doctor telling another of the nurses to schedule an appointment for the patient he'd just seen because "there's a good chance she might be pregnant with twins." ARGGGGH!

Fortunately, I really like my RE and we had a nice discussion and then I got a chance to talk with my nurse and go over a variety of possible options and the associated timelines so that the husband and I can make an informed decision about what to do next.

All the way home I thought about all the stuff I'd write here regarding my feelings about what the RE said, but frankly I'm just too tired right now. In a nutshell, he said he thinks that the failure of this last cycle was just me being on the bad side of 50/50 odds and he doesn't think there is anything else going on. He is still optimistic about our chances and reiterated that my response last time was fantastic. I found out that 8 of our embryos were 8 cell, grade 1 embryos, and he said that at 38 years old, he'd have considered getting 5 as great. He thinks there's a good chance we'll get at least 2 (if not all) of our 3 frozen blasts through thaw, but he did remind me that the chances of a pregnancy are always better with a fresh cycle. So, now we need to decide if we (1) proceed with a FET next (at a cost for us of about $4000-- no insurance coverage for FETs), or (2) another fresh cycle (our last with insurance) at a cost to us of about $6500 (our insurance pays 50%), and (3) when??? In theory, summer always seems like a good time to do stuff, but we are scheduled to be out of town a few times and I'm looking at a trip to Mississippi for work in late July/early August. Even though I really don't feel that I've totally dealt with my emotions about this last cycle yet, I'm so impatient that I hate the thought of waiting. However, I know that the added stress of worrying about scheduling around trips for any kind of cycle is probably not wise.

Decisions, decisions......

In Sum

So Jewels and MomOfOneForNow tagged me for a meme that's been going around for a bit. Actually they tagged me a few days ago, but it was a busy weekend so sorry to have taken so long to get to this.

Unfortunately I'm not all that creative and I've been thinking and thinking and thinking and I really haven't been able to come up with words to sum up my life, much less six clever words! I've also wondered how accurate anything I come up with now, while I'm in a kind of crappy state of mind, will be. Every idea I think of is pretty much all about my failure to have more kids. Despite my depressed mood I still wouldn't say that my whole life is about that, but of course it's what's on my mind. Anyway, I decided to just use what's in my head with the knowledge that if I tried to do this for a year I'd probably end up with 365 different responses! So I finally just decided to go with my thoughts on me for now.

The meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure.

It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words.

His words were, "For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn."

1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post http://herebaby.blogspot.com/2008/06/six-word-memior.html if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogsphere
4. Tag 5 more blogs with links
5. Don't forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play. My six word memoir:

Mommy who wants more kids now!

And MammaMia, Leah, Meghan, Shelli, and Paranoid you're it!!!

Random Rant #1

First I feel the need to say that I really do KNOW how lucky I am to have my daughter. She is the light of my life and there's no doubt in my mind that I appreciate her even more given our inability to provide her a sibling. So all the anger, frustration, depression, and rants resulting from secondary infertility do NOT mean that I don't get how incredibly lucky I am. And since I really don't want my problems to become hers I can't really just lay around my house avoiding the types of situations that remind me of what I want but don't have.

So that's the lead in to this random rant.

Going to our neighborbood swim club feels like negotiating land mines. I swear it seems like 99% of the families there have 3 or 4 kids. And of course they all appear to have been born rather close together. In addition, even though we've been members for several years, I still don't really know anyone else there. So, on most visits there me and my daughter go and play with each other or if she finds some other kids to play with I sit along and watch her. It so odd to go to such a busy, noisy, happy place and to feel so lonely and left out. Both because there are always many many groups of moms sitting and chatting and because I feel left out of the fertile mama club. And last but not least, NOW not only am I not pregnant after 3 years of trying and 5 IVF attempts, but I'm 20 to 25 lbs heavier! So guess what, not only am I the alone mom, but I'm the FAT alone mom. I know it's another exaggeration, but it really does seem like all those moms of 3 or 4 are also skinny and georgeous --walking around in their little bikinis. SIGH! I suppose that the weight is at least something I can control. Now I just need to get off my fat ass and do something about it.

Anyhoo -- part the reason the pool stuff depresses me is that I grew up at a swim club just like the one we now belong to. I was on swim teams from the time I was 4 through high school. I spent 7 summers as a lifeguard, taught swim lessons, and most of my closest friends were those I met through swimming. Even before I starting working at our club, from the time I was about 7 I practically lived that the pool during the summers and I can honestly say that they were the happiest moments of my childhood and teenage years. So, I guess I'm just sad that now I get so little joy from it.

Confused

So I lied yesterday, I guess I do have some things left to say.

I called the clinic today to make my "what now?" appointment with my RE and was shocked that they were able to fit me in next Wednesday! I'm not a patient person, so on the one hand I'm glad there won't be a long wait to figure out what, if anything, we do next. On the other hand, I really wasn't expecting to be having that conversation so soon and so it just feels a little weird. I feel as though I've barely begun to process this latest failure -- I haven't even gotten my period yet for Gds sake! -- and now I already need to start thinking rationally about what to do next. Hubby and I have agreed that we will at least make one more attempt with our blastosicles (assuming of course that doctor doesn't tell us to just throw in the towel), but after that I don't know. My emotional state and our doctor's recommendations aside (though they are of course two very large factors), we are limited by finances. We only have one more cycle covered by insurance, our insurance won't cover a FET, and I don't know how much they'll charge for the FET. Also, I wrote a check the other day that increased our home equity line debt by a huge chuck because we needed a certified check to include with our FINALLY complete dossier, which we will send via UPS to the adoption agency this afternoon.

The adoption stuff also has me feeling an emotional wreck. We're probably now looking at a 2 1/2 year (minimum) wait to be matched. The idea of having to continue waiting and to continue feeling like my life is on hold makes me sick to my stomach. I'm excited that we're finally going to submit, but honestly, if I could travel back in time to late last summer I would almost certainly press for us to go with a country with a shorter wait time. Oh well, I guess it gives us alot of time to save up money, leave, and to plan for our trip to China.

Done!

Just got the call from the clinic with confirmation that this one is really and truly over. So now that it's official I'm going to indulge and go get myself a nice cold caffienated, full of artiful crap, Diet Dr. Pepper. Sigh.

Anyhoo -- In addition to all the other crap going on, I feel horrible that I'm bowing out of NaComLeavMo. I love getting comments and I've really enjoyed discovering new blogs, leaving more comments and getting to know other bloggers. But I'm feeling pretty empty right now and I just don't have much to say. I've never been consistent about posting here, but it was never for lack of a gazillion thoughts about possible posts. Right now though there's just not much I feel the need to say. And frankly that goes for commenting too. I'm sure this will pass and soon I'll be craving more interaction with the community, but for at least a little while I'll probably be kinda quiet. But first I do have one thing to say.

I really hate small talk right now! I wish I could lock myself in my office all day and not have to make chit chat with anyone.

9.69

Fuck -- I really it was just zero. 'Cause they want me to keep taking my meds and come back on Wed -- seems pretty fucking stupid to me, but I'll be a good girl and follow doctor's orders because that's gotten me such good results so far right?

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Sorry, no news yet. I was at the clinic at the crack of dawn and blood was drawn. Now I wait. Oh the wait -- these final few hours will make the last 2 weeks seem like a party!

Well, I don't even know what to say or how to say it. I'm not sure how I should be feeling -- I waver between feeling utterly hopeless to slightly hopeful. I held out on the testing at home until yesterday afternoon, though by then I was actually feeling pretty optimistic again -- just impatient. So I bought a box of 3 tests (EPT to be specific). Nervous but hopeful, I peed in a cup. I dipped the first stick and watched the colors appear as I opened the second stick. This is what I saw in each circle "-". Hmmm? Panic set in, oh the thousands of things that flew through my brain in just seconds. First, because I've never used one the +/- tests before, I thought maybe I was reading it incorrectly. Then I realized that the 2nd test stick that I had just unwrapped did not look like the first. A moment of hopefulness that there was a mixup in the box. So I look more carefully at the box and see that it came with 2 regular and one digital test. The 2nd stick I'd unpacked was the digital, so I dip it and wait, and wait, and wait for what seemed like eternity. "PREGNANT" OK, so what to think about getting one of each???!!! So, after the sharing the unclear news with the husband I decide I need more tests, but I don't want to use the one regular left in the EPT box -- given the mixed results I thought it might be best to get a new brand. So I wait, we decide I'll go out after daughter is put to bed. In the meantime I revisit the first negative stick and notice the faintest of faint vertical lines crossing the "-" line in the circle. I show to husband who squints. I explain that it can be positive even if only faint. But really, it's sooo faint, I wonder if I'm just seeing the shadow of the ink (or whatever it is) that is just waiting for the right hormones to activate it. So a couple of hours after the first test I run to the store and pick up a 3 pack of First Response tests. Get home and dip two. Two clear negatives. I don't think I'll bother to describe the evening and night we had in our house. I was numb, and husband was angry, frustrated, sad --not much sleep was had. Then this morning after snuggling with my daughter for about an hour I felt compelled to use those last two tests -- one of each brand. I went in the bathroom and took another look at the first test from last night and that faintest of faint lines was now a pretty clear line. While they say the test results are good for about 48 hours I'm not sure what to think. So I proceed with the dipping. Faint positives. I don't know whether to be relieved or not. I mean if this was a good pregnancy -- why did I get two obvious negatives, and why, so far in (11&12dp5dt) would the positives be so faint? So one part of my brain feels slightly hopeful, but the smart part of my brain suspects another chemical or an ectopic. No matter how loudly the smart part of my brain yells, the other part is awfully persistent and it seems to be winning. Which kind of sucks, because it means that when the call comes in tomorrow I won't actually be prepared, I'll be devastated all over again and testing early will have done nothing but earned my husband and I an extra two days of frustration.

Fear, Nerves, and Temptation

So if I counted the days correctly (and I'm not actually sure I did) I'm now 10dp5dt (or 10 days past a 5 day transfer). Until last night I was feeling relatively good about things. In fact, if I'm entirely honest with myself I'll admit that I've been more worried about another miscarriage than the results of the beta, which is scheduled for Monday. But something changed since last night and I'm now terrified that this didn't work at all. I'm a nervous wreck today and for the first time ever I'm feeling really tempted to POAS before the beta. But that kind of scares me too, I don't want to do it too early but I also worry about getting a positive and then finding out it's another chemical. I almost drove to the grocery store after dropping my daughter off at school this morning to pick up some tests, but I didn't. Not sure I'll be able to restrain myself on the way home from accupuncture later on. So, here's my question for anyone who might be visiting: If you were going to POAS, when would you do it?

Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah!!!

Ok, so now that we're over half way through the 2WW (beta scheduled for Monday), and THE FEAR has set it, it's time for a little pep talk. So blastobabies and body, LISTEN UP!

Blastobabies - Just wanted to say again, welcome to the womb, my womb is your womb, what's mine is yours. REALLY I mean that! So make yourselves comfortable, snuggle in and take a load off. Just in case you were wondering -- I know it make not look like a lot of space, but really there's more than enough room here for the both of you. I promise I can easily accomodate you both for the next 9 months -- so no need to fight over space, there'll be plenty of time for that sort of thing when you're teenagers. So grow, grow, grow, I know you can do it!

Body - yeah you - I know you can do this. Despite our recent (ahem) problems in the area of growing babies, I have faith in you. Don't be lazy, it's time to step up and do your part. I know you may feel a little bit abused lately, and maybe you're a little resentful of all the poking, prodding, and needle sticks, but it's all just to help you out with this. We've gotten as much help as we can with this, now it's your turn. It's up to you now, you're the only one who can do it. Don't be scared. You can do it and there's great evidence of that. That cute 5 year old who snuggles up to you every night, gives you countless hugs and kisses is your greatest achievement and I know you can do it again. Ok? Good. I'm glad we had this little chat.

Daily Regimen

Ok -- right upfront I'll say this is one boring post, but I'm doing it for myself rather than any potential readers. I have a shit memory and I know that whatever the results of this latest attempt I'll have forgotten the details of what I did to try and make it work in no time. So here's how my days go.

6:00am -- alarm goes off, hit snooze button a few times.
All of a sudden realize that daughter is calling "mamaaaaa, mamaaaaa, mamaaaa" over and over again from her bed. Decide I might as well deal since I'm already running late.
Retrieve child from bed and walk her into the bathroom. Have daily discussion that NO I CANNOT take her to school because I need to get to work and school is not yet open. Fix her some breakfast, tell her to be quiet as Daddy is still asleep, jump in shower.
Race around getting dressed, packing my lunch, getting daughter more food or books or markers.
Take my Folgard and my Estradiol pills.
Go through looooooooong kiss and hug routine with daughter, while she begs me not to leave (super sweet, but oooh the guilt!).
Drive, drive, drive to work.
Work, work, work,
After lunch take my prenatal and calcium pills (trying to spread things out a bit)
Drive, drive, drive home.
Pick up daughter from school, get home and try to get dinner ready AND interact with daughter who of course would like to actually play!
Eat dinner, then take second Estradiol pill of the day and stool softener (thanks hormones!)
Get daughter to bed, clean up in kitchen, maybe watch a little tv, do some laundry.
Before bed take second Folgard pill of the day and baby aspirin.
Prep for nightly injections.
Hubby administer's Progesterone injection and I administer Lovenox injection. Play solitaire on my Palm Pilot (the only thing I use it for) and then fall fast asleep.

Of course, you must add in countless fantasizing about this attempt actually working and many, many boob probes (hopefully no one's caught me at this yet -- thank goodness I have an actuall office!).

Mind Games, Part II

Only 1 week in and my boobs hurt. Yes, the same boobs I just wrote about yesterday. The darn things hurt. And, even though I KNOW it's just a side effect of the all the hormones that I'm injecting and ingesting everyday, still I'm obsessively poking at them every few minutes to see if they still hurt. What a mindfvck!

These Boobs Were Made for Nursing!

No -- there will be NO photos of my boobs -- move along if that's what you're looking for. Actually, this is a post that I've been mulling around in my brain for awhile. It'll probably piss some people off for a variety of reasons and for that I'm sorry. Let me just say now that if you don't want to read about how I nursed my kid click away now.

Anyhoo- probably about 6 weeks ago I was getting out of the shower and caught sight of myself in the mirror. And the thought that went through my head at that moment was the title of the post. And at that moment I teared up thinking that I might not ever get to nurse another baby. You may think I'm kidding about the boobs, but really it's true. About the only thing my body has done well when it comes to baby stuff is making milk. I started pumping about 24 hours after my daughter was born via emergency c-section. Luckily the late start didn't cause any problems for me. Since she was in the NICU for almost 4 weeks and was little enough that she didn't take much milk I pumped ALOT. I really impressed the NICU nurses because I could fill up 2 bags of milk in about 10 minutes. Since I had no prior experience with this, I had no idea that this was at all particularly unusual. I pumped so much milk before my daughter came home that we had to buy a chest (ha ha) freezer for our basement. Even after my daughter came home and started breastfeeding on demand, I still produced more than she needed, so the stockpile grew. In no time the new freezer was FULL! So I was good at producing lots of milk AND I loved nursing my daughter. She was (and still is) a slow eater, our nursing sessions would last sooo long, but that was just fine with me. And there was nothing better than bringing her into my bed when she woke up in the morning and nursing her back to sleep and snuggling for a couple more hours (oh how I loved my maternity leave!). So, these boobs really were made to nurse and I really, really, really, hope I get to do it again.