Tripped Over the First Hurdle

Well, I made it over -- the test was positive-- but, I tripped on the way -- it was a "low positive". So I get to keep getting the progesterone needle stabbed in my ass for the next 4 mornings and then I go back on Monday for another test. When the nurse delivered this less than desirable news my response was "well, that's not good." Her response was "it's not good or bad". But anything less than an unequivocal "BFP, see you in a week" is not good news to me. Of course, as usual, they didn't give me a number. Part of me is dying to know and part of me is glad I don't. Really it probably doesn't matter -- I'm going to obsess and worry about this for the next four days anyway.

addendum:

And the thing that really gets me. The f*cking uncertainty. I mean the uncertainty of the 2WW sucks, but this is a real Mother F*cker. If it's not going to work, then I just want to know, have a beer, a really long cry and move on. CRAP -- now I'm sad and pissed off and it's not a good combination. And, what a lovely birthday present for my husband huh? A big fat "maybe, but probably not" AND a miserable wife.

Hormones, Hormones

Well, whether they're pregnancy or pre-period hormones, they're raging. For my sanity, I decided that I would actually take a break from work while I eat lunch. So I read some news online. The first story should have made me angry (and it did), the second should have made me happy (and it did), but, surprisingly, both made me cry! I suppose the added stress of work and the last day of my 2WW is not helping matters. I guess I'll stay away from the news for awhile.

A Busy, Nervous Wreck!

Only 2 days to go until 'THE TEST'. Still no symptoms and I'm a nervous wreck.

In other news... Work is still stressing me out. Things here have gone from bad to worse and the next 4 weeks are going to suck no matter what I find out on Thurs. In fact, things are so bad that I don't have time to write much now, nor do I have time to write back to any of the lovely folks who've commented here lately, or post on any other blogs. I apologize and please know that I TRULY appreciate all the kind words that have been left here for me and as soon as time permits I'll be returning the favors in spades!

Tick Tock

My pregnancy test is in one week. Thanks to the tempest at work, I haven't been dwelling on it quite as much as with my past cycles. Thankfully, this weekend will be busy too. Friday afternoon is my daughter's graduation from daycare (yes they actually have little caps and gowns for them!). Saturday we're attending a birthday party and after that dinner with some good friends. That means Sunday will be full of errands and cleaning. But I'm fully aware that as Thursday approaches I'm going to turn into a nervous, emotional wreck. I really don't know what I'll do if I get a BFN again. And just thinking that we might get such news on my husband's birthday breaks my heart.

Here's the odd thing. Lately it seems as though a number of bloggers have posted about having lost hope. As I read those posts, I thought how sad that seemed and until the last couple of days I wouldn't have described myself as having lost hope. But I've just realized that, in fact, I don't feel very hopeful about this cycle. Yet, at the same time, I know I'll be devastated if this doesn't work. Which, I suppose, means that somewhere deep down there must be some hope left, but I'm sure not feeling it right now.

Who but an IF would be praying for sore boobs and nausea???

:o)

Side Effects

This is my 4th IVF and in some ways it's like riding a bike. Cam, over at Infertility Diary (http://infertilitydiary.blogspot.com/) put it best when she wrote "Its amazing how routine this has all become." I couldn't agree more. HOWEVER, one thing I seem to forget from cycle to cycle is how my digestive tract reacts to the progest.erone. And I'm such a lame brain, that it's taken me two days to figure out what the problem is. Sorry if this is TMI, but it doesn't matter what I eat, or don't eat, I feel awful and I'm sick of rushing off the bathroom all of sudden. It's one thing at home, but during the day a work it's a real pain!

On a happier note, I'm still loving the commentation and the all the wonderful visitors I've gotten as a result. My only frustration is that with work being so busy, I don't have nearly as much time as I'd like to visit other blogs or leave comments. Also, as with Christmas and birthday cards, I feel a little guilty if I don't write something more than Hi and Bye. Nevertheless, I have already exceeded my weekly goal (modest though it was).

night night now -- I'm off to bed, finally!

Gratitude

Wow -- First of all, I need to thank Mel for organizing the commentation (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2007/06/welcome-to-commentathon.html), because I know it's the reason I just got more comments on one day's post than all the previous comments put together. But I also am so grateful to all the folks who've come to visit and wish me well, and to all the bloggers who are willing to share their stories, their heartaches, and their joys with the rest of us. I wish I was a better writer so I could do justice to how wonderful and important it is to be part of this community of fabulous, caring, thoughtful women. Though, I guess the number of people who have blogs and post comments on blogs suggest that you all already know that. I don't want to get all mushy about it, but it really nearly brings tears to my eyes. I never would have guessed what a comfort this could be for me.

Things kind of suck right now. On the one hand I'm grateful to even be in a place where I was able to do another IVF cycle, get some eggs and actually get to be in a 2ww. On the other hand, I'm absolutely terrified. I'm terrified of a BFN, and truthfully, I'm terrified of a BFP. Because if the first test is positive, then I have to wait an agonizing week to see if test #2 is positive, then I have to wait another agonizing two weeks to find out whether or not there's a heartbeat. I know I will be lucky if I have to deal with that, but it also scares the shit out of me. At the same time, work is really kicking my ass right now. I'm behind, my team's behind, we're all panicking and my supervisor doesn't seem to realize there's a problem. So, I'm working late, not getting much sleep and generally stressed out. And, that stresses me out more, because I wonder if all the stress of work is sabotaging this cycle!

I'm really fucking tired, and I'm really fucking scared, and thank goodness you are all out there, because it really does help.

If I could type "thanks' a million times I would, but it's late, I'm tired, and I've still got a lot of work to get through tonight. So I'll keep it simple.

Thanks.

please implant, please implant, please implant.....

Wonder what I'm thinking about these days? :)

So, both embryos made it to Saturday and both were implanted. One was an 8 cell and one was 7, and the doc said they both looked good. My RE doesn't give me much detail about these things and I made a conscious decision not to ask for more. I know myself well enough, and I know that the more I know the more I obsess about things. The more info I have to put into the Google machine, the more stories I see, and of course it's always the worst case scenarios that I tend to focus on. So when he said they looked good, I said "great, that's good to hear".

So, I'm now a few days into the 2ww. I'm on prog.esterone and I started the Lu.pron this morning. I take the Lupron for 3 days and then I start on estro.gen patches. Quite the hormonal cocktail this time. But it a weird way I'm thinking that having to keep track of the schedule for the meds might help the 2 weeks go by a bit faster. That and a killer work deadline!

As for the weekend, I felt a bit bad that I couldn't do anything for my husband for father's day since I spent most of the weekend in bed. I did get tickets for us to see the Gipsy Kings at WolfTrap in August, but normally I'd do a nice dinner and bake something chocolate for him. Perhaps, though, it was appropriate that he spent the weekend taking care of our daughter. While I laid in bed, they played, ran errands and went to the pool. I missed going with them, but I will say that I discovered recently that the neighborhood pool is probably the single worst place to go while dealing with IF. EVERYONE there either has 3 or 4 kids or is pregnant -- and I swear I'm not exaggerating! So instead, I watched 5 movies and read an entire book. If only my back hadn't started hurting after the first few hours!

Anyway, so I'll be imploring these little embryos to implant and grow for the next two weeks. And then on my husbands birthday I will go in for my pregnancy test. Oh how I wish his birthday present will be a BFP!

Irony

Warning: child mentioned below.

For the first time EVER, antibiotics are making me utterly nauseous. I've never experienced this before -- not with the prior 3 IVFs or the 3 bouts of Strep I've had in the past year. I came SO close to pulling my car off the road this morning on the way to work because I felt so awful. The funny thing is, I'm actually hoping that in two to three weeks I'll be feeling this way because the IVF worked and I'm pregnant. If that happens I promise I won't complain about it. But until I can say I'm suffering from nausea because of pregnancy, I reserve the right to bitch and moan about any and all symptoms. So here goes -- even 3 hours after taking the Doxy.cycline I still feel ill, my boobs hurt, my ovaries still hurt, and I’m generally I’m bloated and uncomfortable. With this new protocol, instead of just progesterone, I’m also going to do 3 days of Lu.pron and 6 days of estro.gen patches. I’m kind of dreading how all of that might make me feel.

In other news, we had a great family night last night. Our daughter had a “recital” for her last gymnastics/ballet/tap class. Afterward, we all had dinner at Pot.belly, where she got soup and THREE packages of crackers. She never actually eats all of them, but every time we go she insists that she get three packages. Then we indulged in some B3n & J3rry’s ice cream. As always, she insisted on getting hers in a cone, though I don’t think I’ve ever seen her take even a single bit of the cone.

I’m still nervous about those eggs, and tomorrow morning will not arrive soon enough. Funny, as much as we all hate those 2WW, I’m hoping I’ll have to live through another one real soon.

So Far, So Good

Well I got the call this morning and our 2 little eggs fertilized. Now I'm just hoping they make it to Saturday.

In other news, the hubby and I had a serious knock-down-drag-out fight last night, followed by a fairly serious and difficult heart-felt conversation, all about what IF has done to us, our life, and our marriage. And then we both proceeded to NOT sleep much all night. The thing is, while we generally agree about the big issues, our personalities are so different that the trouble comes from how we cope with things day to day. He needs lots of quiet time to recharge, while I'm more of a "take my mind off of things, Go, Go, Go..." kind of gal. It's not that either way is wrong -- they just aren't always compatible. The big problem is that we both feel as though life has spun completely out of control. Not only is it making us crazy, but, unfortunately, it's affecting our daughter. I know we'll get through it, but it's just one more thing we need to deal with on top of an already long list.

Update

Unfortunately, between work and all the doctor's appointments, I haven't had much chance to post lately. Which is too bad, because as usual when I'm alone my mind just races with stuff I'd like to write about.

Things are still crazy at work -- worse, if possible -- but I thought I'd post a short update on this cycle.

This morning we went in for the Retrieval. Things went ok. They only got two eggs, which was a real downer, but we knew that was possible, even likely, with the minimal stim protocol. In addition to the ICSI they are also going to use Assisted Hatching. We hadn't actually discussed this before, but I'm not going to argue with anything that might help!

For the first time ever, I lost it in recovery. I just started crying and couldn't stop. I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to be a basket case for the next few days (at least!). I know we signed on for this, but I was really hoping we'd get 3 or 4 eggs given the number of follicles they'd seen. In the past (except for the 2nd cycle) we've had pretty good luck with the number of eggs that fertilized and made it to transfer day, but Shit, only TWO eggs! I really don't know how I'm going to cope with this. I guess it IS a good thing that work is insane, it'll keep my mind off of stuff at least a little bit.

The Vicious Cycle That's Life

Hmmm? Spend 2 years trying to get pregnant. Even after getting diagnosed with effed up tubes and moved straight to IVF (do not pass Go), they still say it's so important to "relax". [Pull that damn ultrasound wand out and maybe I will!] But guess what... Turns out being obsessed with trying to have a child can affect your productivity at work a bit. A year of being, um, a tad distracted is biting me in the ass--and hard! I'm up working at all hours of the night, trying to figure out how to sheppard my project through the next two weeks, while being off for 3 days for IVF #4. So, right in the face of IVF #4, when I'm supposed to be all relaxed and optimistic, I'm nothing but completely stressed out. And I can't even have a damned drink!

sigh...

Nurses Rock!

Well, I’m happy to report that things are progressing. There appear to be about 6 follicles at this point. Of course, the doc is so matter of fact that I would have left the office feeling, well, neutral, had it not been for my favorite nurse ever. She walked over, asked if we were moving forward, then looked at my chart and said “wow, that’s great for your age”. I didn’t even mind the age comment! Plus, she had 3 syringes of Gani.relix and 2 vials of Meno.pur set aside for me--FREE meds, thank you very much!!! In other good news, a new nurse drew my blood this morning and it didn’t hurt at all. Easiest blood draw ever! Now I just hope that everything else will go as smoothly. My doc is going on vacation next week and it will be weird dealing with his new partner. I’ve only met him twice, though he does seem a bit more charismatic and outgoing than my doc, so it could be a refreshing change. Also, the lovely, kind, favorite nurse told me on the phone today that she’ll be there all week – hooray!

Now if I can just remember to take the meds at exactly the right time! Hubby and I are going out for a belated anniversary dinner/movie tomorrow night and I’ll have to do the injections is some public restroom – ick. However, nothing will be as bad as what I did last summer during our first IVF cycle. Halfway through a 5 hour drive to PA for my grandmother’s funeral, I had to stop and mix 4 vials of Brav.elle and then inject myself in a pretty filthy McDonalds bathroom, while my daughter watched, AND several complete strangers came in and out of the restroom. Oh, the things we do….

Confessions

Last night I finally fessed up and told my husband about this blog. And by that, I mean he knows it exists. He does not know what I've written or how to find this place. Fortunately, he didn't ask, because I would have felt a little guilty saying no. But I really want this to be a place where I can say anything, even complain about him or his family if need be. It may seem silly or odd, but I was nervous about telling him about this. Hubby values his privacy more than anyone I've ever known. He would be perfectly happy if we had told no one about our efforts to have another child. We have told our parents and it was easy to convince him to do so for practical purposes (grandparents have provided childcare during surgery, weekend procedures, and my mom took me for one transfer when hubby was out of town). However, he does not know that I have told a few of my friends. Do I feel guilty about this? Hell yes, and everyday. It's not that I don't think it's wrong. However, it has seemed to me the best way to preserve his incredibly intense need for privacy while allowing me a little support from a few friends. It's hard enough to pretend to most of the world that nothing's out of the ordinary. So, it's very comforting to have a few people with whom I can bitch and complain and even cry.

Despite this deception, in no way do I view his need for privacy as any less legitimate or valid than my need, just different. We have very different personalities and the issue of privacy is probably the area in which we differ the most. I do often feel guilty about how I've chosen to handle this and maybe I'm wrong, but it is the decision I've made. As for this blog, the ONLY reason my name is not on this blog is because of my husband. Personally, I would have no problem telling the whole world what we’re going through. In fact, it would make it a lot easier if I didn’t have to walk around pretending that things are “OK”. But, because of hubby I’ve kept our names out of it.

Given all that background, I was half expecting to have to defend my decision to create the blog and to have to remind him many times that there’s no personal identifying information on it. Well, of course I told him it’s anonymous, but I didn’t have to repeat it. And he was actually quite happy for me. Told me he could see it was helpful to me and he was really glad I’d found this support network that clearly meant a lot to me. I’m always telling my husband that he should be less pessimistic about human nature, that he’s too quick to assume the worst in people, and he shouldn’t always expect negative reactions from people. I guess I need to take my own advice.

As for this cycle: Tomorrow I go in for the dreaded ultrasound. Oh how I hate them! I'm really hoping that tomorrow I'll be able to write about how wonderfully I’m responding to this new protocol. Keep your fingers crossed!

IVF Lite

Warning: Child Mentioned

So, tonight I start my injections. For this minimal stim protocol I only mix 2 vials a night--compared to 4 for all my prior cycles. Plus, I haven't had to do the Lup.ron shots every morning. I should confess (don't hate me please) that the injections don't bother me much. To be sure they aren't fun, and before the first cycle I was terrified, but I really don't have too much trouble with the injections. In fact, I would give myself double the injections if I could avoid the ultrasounds! Nevertheless, things are just so much easier this time, fewer meds to keep track of, fewer needles, etc. Of course I won't be feeling so grateful if it doesn't work. :)

In other news...

Do you know when it's time to go on a diet? I do. The other night my 4 1/2 year old looked at my belly, walked over, stuck her finger in my belly fat and said with great excitement and glee in her eyes "you know what that is? That's a baby in your belly".

For a moment I was speechless and thought to myself "I WISH!" Then I went on to explain to her that sometimes people's bellies are just big, and listed all the people we know with big bellies who don't have a baby, Grandpa, Grandma, etc.

The bright side is that it redoubled my motivation to lose the darn 10 pounds, because if I can't BE pregnant, I sure as hell don't want to look like I am!!!

Irritability

So, I'm blaming my recent irritability on the clo.mid. My husband seems to be buying this even though I been pretty darn irritable for the better part of a year now. I realized the other day that next month will be the 1-year anniversary of starting our first IVF cycle. In the past 13 months I've been put under anesthesia 5 times. I’ve had an HSG and laparoscopic surgery. I’ve undergone 3 IVF cycles and 1 D&C. I was soooo hopeful a year ago. We’d found the problem and we had every hope that IVF would help us overcome it. Looking back it seems that I was so naive. I guess I can’t really say that I have no hope left; if I didn’t I don’t think I’d still be willing to go through all this. But the pessimism has started to settle and, most of all, I’m exhausted. Tonight I take the last two clo.mid and tomorrow I’ll start the Brav.elle & Meno.pur injections. I won’t know until my office visit on Friday how I’m responding to any of this. I love NOT having blood drawn and ultrasounds every day, but there was something comforting in being told every morning that “things look good.”

Hello...???

The nice ladies over at Cyclesista were kind enough to add me to the June/July list. A hearty "Thank You" to them all. I don't know if anyone will bother to visit me here, but in case anyone does... Welcome, and thanks for coming.

Well, I took my first two clo.mid pills last night. It seems weird. I last took clo.mid to get pregnant with my daughter - over 5 years ago. That time I was ONLY taking clo.mid, this time I'm taking it as part of my IVF protocol. But who knows--maybe it'll be some mystical common denominator for me and I'll actually get (and stay) pregnant this time around. It's funny that I'm now looking for "signs" or connections to help me feel hopeful, because I'm really a science kind of gal and not really much of a believer in things if I don't see proof. I guess you could say Faith is not a big part of my life. I mean, I might say I have faith that something will turn out a certain way, but it's not because I believe in any kind of higher power willing it to be so. Similarly, it drives me nuts when people say "it was/wasn't meant to be", particularly about infertility. I know that in most cases these are people who are trying to be nice and comfort others, and I generally bite my tongue and don't respond. But really! I mean are you telling me someone/something/some force actually means for me to be infertile and have to go through all this pain? I don't believe it. And I don't believe it for any of the other infertiles out there either - or for that matter for people who are ill, lose loved ones, or are suffering in any way. I do believe that it just happens and it sucks! There's an awful lot of stuff in this world that's pretty shitty and I don't think any of us were "meant to" deal with it. But I will continue to bite my tongue, because I know that the people who say it are trying their best to help.

Hmmm? Not sure how I got from A to B on this one, but there it is.

To any readers out there, have a happy weekend!