My Doting Spouse

This is the email I just got from my husband.

"calm down so you avoid making a bad decision in terms of:

eating the right things (yogurt, salads, fruits, veggies) - I will
buy it or cook it!

running around or climbing stairs quickly! I will get it.

picking up anything that even seems remotely heavy! I will do it.

check w/ Dr. S directly about ALL of the above ASAP!"

It's really sweet and I love him for it, but if HE doesn't calm down, one of us may not make it through this pregnancy! ;)

Phew!!! (updated - so I don't forget)

Pleasant surprises are too rare in the infertility world, or at least in my own experience. So, I'm still in a bit of shock and disbelief that not only was everything looking normal and were it should be -- as in INSIDE my uterus, but I actually saw a heartbeat today! One lovely little flickering on the screen. It's been almost 7 years since I've had a OB ultrasound where I saw a heartbeat and got a photo to bring home. So, here it is.
It's a picture of a picture and you really can't see anything, but I saw that flickering and then my nurse loaded me down with first trimester information and I still can't believe it. And I know it's early and lots can happen, but for the first time since the first blood test a week and a half ago, I was actually able to say out loud "I'm pregnant." My nurse gave me a recommendation for a high risk OB practice and suggested I call now to make sure I can get in to see them soon after my next and (hopefully) last appointment with my RE. It feels like tempting fate to be making that call already, but I guess I'm going to have to suck it up and do it.

So, let's agree that no one will pinch me, because if I'm dreaming I don't want to wake up!

Update
Forgot to mention that when the doctor looked at my chart even before they'd inserted the wand, she put me at 6 weeks 3 days (which frankly I can't figure out b/c based on the date of my last period I have exactly 6 weeks), and then once the ultrasound tech plugged in the measurements she got 6 weeks 3 days too. They didn't give me a due date (dare I even entertain that possibility!) but I figure it at the end of May.

Worry

The ultrasound is in 26 hours. Since Wednesday I've done a pretty good job of not thinking or worrying too much about it. On Friday afternoon I started feeling a little panicky, but that passed after a couple of hours. Having my parents arrive Friday afternoon, staying up half the night with party preparations, and then the party on Saturday was certainly a great distraction. Yesterday was more relaxed, but still busy. Started by sleeping in, then swim lessons, a playdate, and then dinner at our friends' house. But this morning the worry started creeping in. And I don't think it'll be going away anytime soon. Oh how I wish for the blissful ignorance of those without a history of bad outcomes. Oh how I would welcome some symptoms, ANY symptom!

WARNING: ALL ABOUT MY KID!!!

My girl is 6 years old today.

6 years ago today, while lying in a hospital bed halfway into my 11th day of complete bedrest (yes, that means bed pans!) my placenta abrupted. It was a horrifying experience due in no small part to the fact that I noticed blood during the nurses shift change. I won't tell you the long drawn out version, but suffice it to say that by the time my husband got to the hospital 30 minutes after I'd called him on his cell phone, the nurses still hadn't bothered to get a doctor to my room. I was screaming, sobbing, and terrified. Let's just say that my husband gave the staff holy hell and within seconds there were MANY doctors and nurses in the room. Anyhoo... A couple of hours later, my daughter was born via emergency c-section. When I finally woke up in a drugged haze hours later all I had were 2 polaroid photos of her. I didn't get to see her in the NICU until she was almost 24 hours old. She ended up staying in the NICU for 32 days. She was on an apnea monitor until she was six months old. Today she is a perfectly healthy, often sweet, often tempermental, funny, creative 6 year old.

My baby's come a long way!

Tagged, Guess I'm It!

I've been tagged by Jewels! So, here are 7 random / weird facts about me!

1. I'm a complete slob. You can hardly see the top of my desk.

2. My maiden name is another word for hotdog.

3. I hate any kind of cleaning that involves floors -- sweeping, mopping, vacuuming.

4. I was a lifeguard for 7 summers and loved it!

5. I do very well on standardized tests, but I have crappy study habits.

6. I am a HUGE procrastinator (hence the 2nd part of #5).

7. I like pigs (not the real kind, but cute fake ones that are stuffed, ceramic, etc.)

And now, Shelli, Leah, LJ, Meghan, Sunny, Shelby,and Jendeis, you're all IT!

One more hurdle down!

Today's number is ... 4980. Another rise of almost exactly 60 percent.

Before I say more let me say thanks to everyone who has stopped by and commented and offered support, advice, encouragement, hope, etc. I have to confess that while I'm still going to be a bit of a nervous wreck waiting for the next hurdle (next Tues to be exact), I was actually feeling pretty optimistic before today's call. I hope that soon I can be boring everyone with happy pregnancy talk instead of boring you with all my whining about how nervous I am. I know I should feel really grateful to be where I am (and I do!), but I've been here before and then had the rug pulled out from under me at the first ultrasound - twice. So please forgive me if I keep prattling on about how paranoid and nervous I am.

Onto the nitty gritty. The nurse told me the next step was to schedule an ultrasound for next week. I momentarily freaked out, because, well, "isn't that kind of early? Why does he want me to come in so soon, does he suspect something is wrong?" "Noooo, she explained calmly, it's because they base the timing of the ultrasound on the first day of my cycle. Because the FET was done later in my cycle the ultrasound seems early, but they need to stick to the 'standard'." She confirmed that they would not likely see a heartbeat by next week, but that they want to make sure everything is in the right place. I must have asked her 3 times
if my Dr. was worried but she kept saying no.

Thanks again for going through this with me -- it helps tremendously to be able to share this.

QUESTION

Since this cycle we did a FET -- how do I figure out or at least make a good guess on what my ovulation day would have been. Also, should I adjust for the fact that the blasts were frozen at 5 days?????

3094

That's it. I'm not too happy with that. I was hoping for something above 5000. After my nurse gave me the number and I digested it, I said "so that's not very good." She sounded surprised and said "no that's a good rise". So, I said, but it's been 3 days since my last test not 2, shouldn't it be higher. She tells me that they like to see a minimum rise of 60 percent* every 2 days. We both do some quick calculations and she says that I'm right at the 60% mark (adjusted for 3 days). She said that my doctor didn't comment at all on the number and that she doesn't think I should worry. HA -- I guess she hasn't ever been on the other side of this stuff. CRAP! If it's going to end badly I just want to f*cking KNOW, not have it dragged out.

I'd be lying if I said I'll try not to worry, but I will try not to obsess (ha ha ha ha ha).

*Anyone EVER heard this before. The only rule of thumb I've ever heard was that it should double.

No call yet

But if it doesn't come soon I may throw up I'm so nervous. Why oh why don't they call?!

Playacting

Today is going to be hard because while I've got plenty of things on my to do list at work I have no meetings or imminent deadlines to keep me distracted. Yesterday, however was a different story. I kept myself pretty busy with baking and yardwork. I also got a little help from my girl who, in keeping with the recent theme, wanted to play "Mommy's having a baby". So, twice yesterday I was conscripted to play the part of the pregnant mom. During the first go round I had to put her baby doll in my shirt and lie in bed and moan. Then she (playing the role of teenage daughter) would come in and escort me to the doctor (her room), where she would take on the role of doctor and show me the baby on the ultrasound machine (a book). The second go round later in the day I actually gave birth to triplets -- a giraffe, a dog, and a cat. Otherwise the story was pretty much the same, except we added in a trip to the baby store (her room). Later in the day, when she had a friend over for a playdate, I walked into her room to find them playing "baby shower" and this time my daughter was the one with several animals shoved up her shirt. As I was saying good night to her last night, she told me that she didn't think just her wishing for a baby would be enough so she had asked her friend to wish too. The whole theme is a little bittersweet, but she's so earnest about the whole thing it mostly makes me laugh. In case you're wondering we have not mentioned a word about any of our babymaking or adoption efforts to her. Truly she'd have to be a mind reader to know anything. Oh, and she learned about the ultrasound from this book , which she picked out months ago at the bookstore.

Sometimes I'm not sure who wants a baby more, me and my husband or our daughter!

Second verse, same as the first

I was at the office when they unlocked the door this morning. Got my blood drawn and left. I think I'm even more nervous today than I was on Friday. I've had a bad feeling since mid-day yesterday. I can't help wondering if it's some sort of intuition or just shear terror. Please keep your fingers crossed, pray, hope, whatever you do, that today's call brings more good news.

Gratitude

I just have to shout out thanks to the Internet, particularly the TOOTPU gals. The love, support, encouragement, and good wishes truly mean the world to me. I really feel there's no adequate way of expressing it so I'll keep it simple.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!

1437 = Joy and Fear All At Once

That's the number the nurse left on my voicemail. She also told me to make appointments for blood tests on Monday and Wednesday and to keep taking all my meds.
I'm terrified, I know what could lay ahead on Monday or Wednesday or in 4 weeks or in 4 months, but right now I'm going to try really hard to enjoy the moment. For now I am pregnant.

Hope and Fear Intertwined

The needle went in, the blood came out, and I stared at the vial of my blood wondering what it would reveal. Now I sit here trying not to stare at the phone.

Last night the stress finally got to me. I walked to my car after back to school night was over feeling awful for reasons I couldn't really pinpoint. I got into my car and sat there and cried. I suspect that I'll by crying again this afternoon, I just hope they are tears of joy rather than sorrow.

I'm getting tired of all these really depressing posts. I promise whatever happens I'll stop whining soon. ;)

Time

6 years ago today I was in the hospital on complete bedrest after going into labor 3 days earlier at 30 weeks; I was hoping to be there for at least several more weeks.
3 years ago we'd been trying to have a second child for several months, but I was already starting to worry and had scheduled an appointment with my OB-GYN. Just about 2 years ago I'd just had a D&C following the miscarriage I had after our first IVF. Today I'm very anxiously awaiting tomorrow's test results.

I've gone to bed at 9:15 the last two nights, but I'm so stressed out that I'm sleeping restlessly and I'm still tired. I truly can't wait for this week to be over!

FEAR!

I am a total basket case. This week could not be moving more slowly. Friday feels so close and yet sooooo far away. And while the slow movement of time is killing me and rendering my brain completely useless, I'm also terrified of what Friday will bring. I'm terrified of getting more bad news.

Sucker Punch (n. Slang. An unexpected punch or blow.)

Yesterday I woke up at 5:20 and went to the gym at work, spent the work day in training, raced to pick up the kid from aftercare, raced home to get her into ballet clothes, raced to ballet studio, while the kid tapped and pranced her way through an hour I went grocery shopping, drove home, unpacked groceries, and then raced off to my first ever PTA meeting. A busy day is great for keeping my mind off the beta coming at the end of the week. The PTA meeting was almost 2 hours long and boring, but basically uneventful. As the last item on the agenda was being discussed I felt great relief; the end of my day was near and all I could think about was going home and going straight to bed. And then the PTA president asked if anyone had any community announcements to make. A woman spoke up "so and so had her baby!" The room cheered. Inwardly I groaned a little. "It was her sixth." Yes, you read that correctly and I know I heard it correctly because it was repeated about 4 times. Inwardly I groaned, a lot!

Hating the Wait

This Monday sucks. Only 4 more days to go until my blood test. It feels like an eternity. I'm not feeling very hopeful at all, but of course I want it to work. Dreading the phone call. Can't sleep worth a damn, so I'm even more exhausted than usual. Very crampy and my boobs are killing me. Even though my test isn't until Friday, based on the first day of my cycle I'm due to get my period any day now. Of course, the progesterone would probably screw up those timeframes anyway. What a mindf*ck. Wish I could just sleep for the next 4 days.

The Shed

So, did I mention we got a shed? Turns out my hard work paid off in more ways than one. My mom was so impressed by my fixing up part of the yard that she decided to help us buy a shed in hopes that we'd actually clean up and reclaim the use of our screened porch. Of course, that meant we actually had to prep the area and put the darn thing together.

Here's a photo of the 2 gigantic boxes that it came in.

And now a photo of the initial stages of clearing a spot for it. The space was soooo dense with many different kinds of vines that when all was said and done we ended up filling about 10 garden bags!



But it all worked out and so here's the shed.


And here's the porch (wish I had a before photo of this - it was filled with all manner of bikes, garden tools, and junk)

My Lumpy Ass

My ass is a very sore lumpy thing right now. Okay, so it was already pretty lumpy, let's just say now it's lumpier. I've never had so much trouble with injections before. I mean really this is my 6th round with IM projesterone injections and not only are they hurting but they are leaving big hard lumps in my derriere! I mean sure the needles never felt goooood going in before, and there might have been an occassional stick that stung, but now every stick hurts and, in addition to the rock hard lumps, I'm really sore. I've been using a heating pad in bed right after the nightly jab fest, but it doesn't seem to be helping much. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Staying the Course (kid mentioned)

So I'm stuck in the 2WW with not a single optimistic cell in my body, basically I just feel flat about the whole thing. But one thing keeps me very smiley these days. My girl is stuck on the magical theme. Even before the comment from my last post about magicing up some babies, she'd been on this theme of wishing stars and magic wands. It's been an ongoing discussion in our house for days. Well, really not so much a discussion as her dialogue that we get to listen to. The other morning, we were in the bathroom getting ready for the day when she started this ongoing dialogue about becoming magical, wishing stars and how once she has her magic wand she'll do all sorts of wonderful things, including jumping into her fairy books and becoming part of the story and cleaning the house for me. ;) She left the bathroom to get dressed, but then came marching back into the bathroom and said something along the lines of "Furthermore mommy, once I... then I can be a mythical creature..." She's always been a pretty verbal kid, but hearing the words "furthermore" and "mythical" come out of her mouth really surprised me. All I could do was laugh and say "ok". Fast forward past Tuesday's conversation about getting us some babies to last night. She asks me if I can pull up my shirt for her. I ask why and she says she can't make the babies unless I do. Then she pauses and tells me that she's not sure she'll be able to make TWO babies.

Here's a photo of my little mythical creature on her first day of first grade.

Tears in My Eyes

So, I'm sitting here working my way through Google reader trying to make a dent in the 600+ posts there. My daughter is sitting on the floor playing with her "little critters". I should be working, but she fell during gym class today and hit her head so I had to pick her up from school early. (Don't worry she is CLEARLY fine now!)

In typical fashion, she is stuffing the baby bunnies and kitties up the dresses of the lady cats and rabbits and every so often she annouces that someone has given birth. Then she carefully wraps them in blankets and puts them to bed, all with a running commentary on who's a girl, who's a boy, who was born too early, how worried the grown up animals are, who's cutest, etc. All of a sudden she asks me if I want another baby. I hedge and say maybe. She doesn't accept this and says "mama, I'm asking IF you WANT another baby." I say I think I'd like one someday. Then she says that she does want one. She asks if I want a boy or a girl. I tell her I wouldn't care, either way I'd be happy. Again, that's not acceptable, she asks what I'd prefer. I tell her that another little girl would be wonderful, but since we don't have a boy that would be great too. She thinks for a moment and then says that she thinks we should have one of each. She walks over to my chair and stands very close and tells me that if she can wish it on a wishbone, then she can wish it on a wishing star. She can also use her magic wand. But we might have to wait until she's 9 or 10.

La Di Da

Nothing much to report. I'm mostly trying to forget about the fact that I still have 11 more days until the test. The dreaded test! I'm doing ok now, but I know that by next week my nerves will take over - and not in a good way. My biggest problem right now is that I'm in a foul mood. Between sending my girl off to first grade (which is going ok, but not great so far), being in the 2WW, and the projes.terone and delest.rogen I've been swinging between sad, grumpy, and plain old bitchy. Ah well, what's new huh? ;)

In some fun news I'm in full swing of prepping for the aforementioned first grader's birthday party in 3 weeks. Unfortunately, due to many factors I won't bore you with, I don't think we'll have a steller turnout this year but what the heck. She picked out a unicorn pinata and loads of candy to stuff in it this weekend. The moonbounce has been rented, snacks have been bought and I can't wait to make the cupcakes!

FET #1 Complete -- Now We Wait

All three of our frozen blasts made it through the thaw. The doc said that they all looked pretty good and I didn't ask for any additional details because frankly what difference would it make. No matter what he might have said I would still be feeling the same things today, tomorrow and for the next two weeks: hope that it works and fear that it won't.

Despite the valium that I'd begged and begged for, the transfer was still excruciating. Last time was pretty awful too, but for some reason this time I just cried and cried through most of it. Maybe it was the anxiety of worrying beforehand that it might be that bad again. I really don't know why, but it sucked and all I could think was that it wasn't a good way to start things off. I think I was also pissed. Despite the horrible transfer last time (3 different speculums and multiple tries with several catheter); there were either no notes about it in my file or the doctor hadn't bothered to read it. Since he didn't mention anything I told him how difficult it had been and what had ended up working -- unfortunately, it still took ages and a lot of discomfort on my part before they were ready to transfer. But, at least that part is over now.

In the last 24 hours I've watched 3 discs full of House episodes, 1 movie, wrote out about 25 birthday invitations, and read half a book. Now all that's left to do is to wait, hope and try not to worry too much (hardy har har!.)